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Author Topic: 17 year old daughter lied to boyfriend about abuse - Advice?  (Read 900 times)
2girls3canines

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« on: March 04, 2014, 07:19:00 AM »

Good Morning, I am really needing some advice this morning. My daughter has been dating a very nice young man for a little over a month. As she has gotten more comfortable around him, she has begun her typical behavior when things don't go well. She gets mad if he has other plans, she wants things to be her way at all times, just the typical behaviors she displays with her parents at home.

Evidently, the boyfriend got a little aggravated with her demands and drama and they got into a text argument. Well, they were able to work things out and are now back together.

Here is the problem. I was using her computer to look up something yesterday. I took that opportunity to read through her messages to the boyfriend. Not the best choice, but we own the  phone and computer and she has been told that we can and will check it if we choose. While they were arguing, she told him she was in therapy (Her DBT therapy) because her dad is hitting her and abuses her. She went on to tell him that she was "always" getting fussed at for no reason, and that her mom (me) wanted her out of the house and I suggested she either run away or find somewhere else to live. She said she had never confided in someone before and she was telling him that because she trusted him. Needless to say, these things are not true, and I was sick in my stomach.

I did not mention this to my husband, and in hindsight, I wish I had never even read the messages. But now, I am so upset with what she has done, all an immature way to trick this guy into maybe feeling sorry for her and getting back together with her.

I don't want to tell her that I read the messages, and don't want to make this into the much larger situation that it will be if I share this with her. However, I also don't want this young man to think he needs to share this false information with perhaps his parents or other friends, I don't want him to look at us with disgust when he visits our home, and I am horrified and embarrassed that she said these things and worry she will just repeat this or something worse the next time she thinks it will benefit her. I know her too well to think that she will come clean with him and admit she was lying. She simply won't do it. She cares more about her own image with everyone but her parents and could really care less what we feel or what could happen as a result of these lies.

The irony of this is that we have been getting along very well the last several months since we found a medication that seems to be working and the therapy seems to be effective.

I just don't know what to do. I can barely look at her right now. Just can't believe the situation she put us in with her lies and the potential damage she has created... .
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
MissTajo
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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2014, 07:40:38 AM »

 

That is a very stressfull situation. Lying is a way of getting this young man to pay attention to her and to feel sorry for her.

In your situation I would tell her therapist what happend and ask for his/her opinion on this and maybe slownly "warning" her boyfriend that sometimes she needs to make up some stories to gain attention. He deserves to know, anyway.

good luck!
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2girls3canines

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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2014, 07:46:01 AM »

thanks so much! I wanted to call the therapist as soon as I saw it, but felt I needed to sleep on it and calm down a little… I will plan to call today. I just am shocked that she would stoop so low, but then again, I guess I shouldn't be shocked at anything she says or does any longer… I am just wondering what else she has said and to whom….
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MissTajo
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2014, 07:58:39 AM »

You are so welcome. You are a wonderful mom. Just for the fact of coming here to the forum and to ask for advice to help your daughter (and yourself!) proves that she is lucky to have you. 

She will always need more attention than the rest of us. She will do anything to have it, even lie.

Her therapist needs to know whats going on because these details that only you know help the therapist to do his/her job well! Your daughter is not going to admit she lies to her bf and friends to the therapist and this is information that can help him/her to deal with her and adjust therapy to be more effective.


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2girls3canines

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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2014, 08:11:16 AM »

Thanks. I guess I am concerned that if she tells the wrong people these kinds of lies, horrible things can happen... Making accusations of abuse can ruin families, careers, reputations, etc… Not to mention the problems she could cause for herself if she gets caught in these lies by her friends….I just can't wrap my mind around this, and it is so hard to just carry on like I didn't know what she had done… But to confront her with it would start world war 3…. she graduates in a few months. I was thinking things were going so well and she was starting to get her life going in a better direction and all along, she was just throwing us under the bus while smiling to our faces and enjoying the privileges of her "improved behaviors"... .
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maxen
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« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2014, 08:11:57 AM »

hi 2girls3canines. i'm not a resident of this board as we (my stbxBPDw and i) don't have children. so, it's hard for me to imagine the emotions that run through a parent when dealing with a child. however, telling people that her father is hitting her and abusing her could be actionable information if it reaches certain ears. you're certainly right to speak with her therapist and i'd be strongly tempted to speak with her bf too. well, my $0.02. i would be interested to hear how the therapist responds, if you;re okay posting that.

best of luck to you! i come to this board to read about the strength parents show. i think all you parents are amazing.
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Thursday
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« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2014, 08:18:25 AM »

Hi twogirls,

The teen years are so very difficult.

During my BPDSD's teen years we made no apologies for snooping around on her computer, checking her room and certainly much, much more. Each and every time we made the effort we found something and none of it good. I frankly wish we had invaded her privacy more as by the time we were at maximum concern, she was already deep into an addiction to benzos (valium, Xanax).

I know it feels horrible to snoop, however, with this disorder, and an untrustworthy teen who is likely to get herself into trouble, you are limited in your options.

I DO recommend you tell her what you found and explain your values around lying. This may not be the most popular stance however, not to do so feels too much like walking on eggshells to me. It is likely that you will find a need to snoop again, likely you will accidentally discover something else... . and being transparent now will set your course. I encourage you to discuss this with your T although jury is out on what they might tell you to do or not to do.

As for talking to the boyfriend, I would NOT do so. This is her relationship to navigate and his as well. I know it's horrible to have the young man thinking poorly of you but it is out of your control except to be your kind and reasonable selves in front of him. Sometimes even very young men can see the forest for the trees and in his case he has already had her difficulties to sort through.

I would encourage her to come clean with the boyfriend and explain her lies even if it is just an empty exercise... . (in that she won't do so) but at least this way you are able to council her to a better way of being so that she can simply HEAR IT being said outloud. I would give a few examples of how her lies could go wrong for her and talk a bit about the way it feels to live honestly. Short talks are always better than long lectures with our kids with BPD (and really, what teen ever wants to hear their parents drone on and on).

This is a perfect opportunity to open the door to setting straight your family values, to possibly open the door to a discussion that your daughter is having difficulty in managing her relationships. Might be a good time to ask her the question if she desires a relationship that she has had to manipulate the other person to keep.

It might not work to change things immediately but at least she will hear the message and hear firmly where you are coming from. Use SET, use validation but please let yourself have this important conversation... .

I don't think it hurts a teen to understand that their privacy is a privilege and not an entitlement. The computer is hers to use and also yours to use and you found what you found because it was there.

my two cents

thursday

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2girls3canines

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« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2014, 08:22:09 AM »

I agree... hence my urgency to decide how to best handle this…the boyfriend is a nice kid, whom I can see not being ok with this info (obviously) and trying to "help"….Even accusations of something like this would ruin my husbands career… If he knew she had said this, along with all disrespectful behavior she has with him, he would be so completely devastated, that I doubt their relationship would ever recover... .
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2girls3canines

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« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2014, 08:26:29 AM »

I would like to confront her with it. She keeps passwords on both her phone and computer because she says we have no business on them and are too nosey. I can say for sure that if we tell her what we saw, any relationship we thought we were starting to build will be gone, and she will just go back to failing classes, verbally abusing us and destroying property, worsening depression, etc… I am so worried about having her go off to college this way when there isn't anyone there to monitor her...
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Verbena
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« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2014, 10:48:22 AM »

You are, indeed, in a tough spot.  I tend to agree with thursday that you should discuss what you know with your dd but not her boyfriend.  Lying is never right, but this particular lie is very serious. 

Your post reminded me of an incident with my  DD28 when she was about 17.  She  called everyone she knew telling them that she had been falsely accused of cheating on a boyfriend and slandering the person who had accused her.  This went on all day long.  With the way our house is laid out and her very loud voice, I could hear her from nearly every room. I wasn't sure what was going on, but it was clear she was obsessed with defending herself and tearing down the person who had accused her.

Then after maybe ten hours this, she completely switched gears and calmly called the boy she had cheated with to beg him not to tell.  I remember being shocked at the contrast in her voice and demeanor with him compared to the yelling and viciousness she had used to lie to her friends all day long and attack the person who had wronged her by "lying" about her. 

I never confronted my DD with what she had done because I feared another attack on me, but your situation is different.  This is a lie that she needs to correct and be accountable for.
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suchsadness
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« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2014, 10:49:11 AM »

Hello 2girls3canines  

As I read your post I see my own situation with my BPD dd36 who told her ex husband all about her abusive childhood (many horrible lies) - that she had never told anyone else about in her life, according to her.  It was around the time that their divorce was happening and I told my dh that I believe she told him these lies as an excuse for her out of control rages/behaviors about the divorce.  She was trying desperately to hold on to him and was wiling to do anything to keep the relationship.  Sad to say that 4 years later she is still hanging on to the hopes of getting back with him.  She is even telling people that she is still sleeping with him even though he has moved on and even has a live-in girlfriend.  Her ex once yelled at me and said we were "unaccountable, naïve, and disgusting".  I didn't know what he was talking about at the time but have now figured out that he was saying that based on the lies my dd had fed him.

I would advise you to address this head on with you dd and stop it before it goes any further.  At least you are aware of what she has said and you were smart and proactive in looking at her computer.  She will most likely try to turn it around and put the blame on you for looking at her computer - but you did nothing wrong, so be strong in stating your values and stopping her lies.  
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jellibeans
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« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2014, 01:13:44 PM »

Dear 2girls3canines

I would not confront your daughter or tell her bf. I don't think it is walking on eggshells at all not to confront her. You are the reasonable person here... . not the one with the disorder... . my daughter has accused us abuse many times... . she has had CPs come to our home... . these lies have never been confirmed and we have never been arrested or our dd removed from our home. We know in our hearts we are not abusers... . we are kind and loving parents who at times have had to defend ourselves against attacks. I have a lock on my bedroom door for my protection.

Although it is hard I would just see this as part of her illness... . and at this stage she has not reported you to the police... . telling her bf is not something I would be concerned about. She is probably telling him all kinds of lies. Do not get involved with her relationship. Hopefully her bf can see how you interact with your dd and he will be smart enough to know she is lying.

She is getting ready to graduate... . is she going to college? moving out? I just think you need to look at what you are hoping to achieve by confronting her? Is she going to stop lying? NO. Is she going to say she is so sorry? No. I feel the only reason you want to confront her is because your feelings are hurt and although that is a valid reason I don't think you will get any satisfaction from that kind of encounter.

Now I would discuss it with her therapist... . he/she needs to know that you are not abusing your daughter. If she started telling these lies to T then the T would have an obligation to report you so telling the T of these false reports would be best now rather thatn later. I would seek the T's advise on how to deal with this. Try to take the emotion out of this situation... . don't react out of anger or hurt.
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« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2014, 01:40:42 PM »

I agree with what jellibeans said above. Smiling (click to insert in post)

You can't waste valuable energy defending yourself against her distortions. But do share with her therapist.

So sorry you are having to deal with this.
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lever.
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« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2014, 01:55:03 PM »

About 10 years ago DD started saying similar things to friends but not reporting to authorities. I never confronted it, the truth tends to come out in the end and I used to say to myself "they can take your reputation but not your character". However I might log it with the therapist in case she says this in a more formal setting. I don't know if I did right but I also stopped looking at computer and diary as she considered it an invasion of privacy and what I saw was only upsetting me. However this is difficult with younger adolescents when you are responsible for their safety. Not an easy situation at all.

I tend to agree with jellibeans. If you confront her she is not likely to apologise or take any responsibility for having lied. She will possibly feel embarrassed, and start projecting and blaming YOU. she may even escalate her lying in order to cover her fact that she has done wrong. I would also ask her therapist for advice if the therapist is open to talking to you.

This is a big shock for you, take time to think before you act
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RaindropsOnRoses

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« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2014, 02:17:41 PM »

I could have written your post, I am having the exact same problem with my daughter but she is only 13. this is the exact same reason I found this board today. I also have no idea what to do or why she tells lies like this, also awaiting a call from her cousler but I know what she will say. I don't think counseling is helping at all, they keep saying it will take time, its just a part of the process... . but this is insane and just cant go on lying about trying to kill herself and being abused. I am at a loss and its madning!
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