RTC Interviews

[Being Mindful]

No, don't get me wrong. She IS going one way or the other. It's not a question of her being convinced to go because it's where I choose for her to go. What I'm saying is it would be nice if she was agreeable to it so that I could drive her myself. No more, no less.

I think Verbena was referring to that the lawyer and the CM was talking with her to "convince her" to go. Everyone should be using SET at this point. Quick, concise, validating. No discussion or trying to talk her into it.

Do check with the RTC as they frequently will transport and then you can drive separate and meet her there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Thing is, I never asked them to. They did it on their own. And I know you guys don't agree with it, but personally, it makes it easier for both my DD and for me if she more willing to go. If she wasn't, it wouldn't change the fact that she was going anyway. It just makes it... . easier.  I would think those who have someone in their lives with BPD would get that.

Anyway, she will be going Friday and is back to being receptive to the idea.  We had previously discussed my taking her to have her hair colored beforehand. So we will be doing that. I know I wouldn't want to go someplace where I wouldn't have access to hair dye for months if I dyed my naturally blonde hair red like she did.  

[jellibeans]

Ray

I know this is a hard time for you and yes it would be easier if your dd was on board but I also see that as giving her room to mantipulate the situation... . and barder for her hair to be dyed before going... . This is part of her illness and I think it would be good to step back and look at this... . are you walking on eggshells? Using SET is a good way for her to feel heard but also a good way for you to tell her what is going to happen going forward. Changing the way we interact with our dd's is key to less conflict and improves our relationship with them.

ARe you getting her hair dyed because you are feeling guilty about her going? Are you sending her the right message? It might be easy for us to sit back and give advise and I know it is a lot harder being where you are but I have always valued the input I have received from other looking in from the outside. Try not to take it personally... . we care very much for you and your dd and wish only the best... .

[Rapt Reader]

Thing is, I never asked them to. They did it on their own. And I know you guys don't agree with it, but personally, it makes it easier for both my DD and for me if she more willing to go. If she wasn't, it wouldn't change the fact that she was going anyway. It just makes it... . easier.  I would think those who have someone in their lives with BPD would get that.

Anyway, she will be going Friday and is back to being receptive to the idea.

That's great that she is back to being receptive to going to that RTC, raytamtay3 

I'm glad that it's a done deal as far as you and the Authorities are concerned, so the possibility of her changing her mind again won't make any difference to that fact. And, yeah... . if she were willing 24/7 to go, that would make everything easier; I'm sure we all do get that, and we do agree with that 

What jellibeans and others (me, too) are saying is to just let her fluctuate with her emotions and willingness to go or not; it's normal and she's a kid, so she's not going to want to go every time it's mentioned or she thinks of it. We've all had to deal with that in some form or another, so we get that, too. Validate, use S.E.T., and let her vent... . And don't let it make it harder for you to get her there. You already know that she's going and that's it; you can let her know that with love and empathy and compassion   

[peaceplease]

raytamtay,

I am so glad that your dd is going to RTC.  Being the mother of an adult  daughter with suspect BPD, I am so glad that you are taking care of things while you still have control.    You are doing a great job!  


peace

[raytamtay3]

I'm sorry that I got defensive yesterday. I will be the first to admit that I do still do cater to my DD and continue to walk on eggshells and do feel bad sending her away. I'm a work in progress for sure. Thank you for your patience with me in that. You all aren't the only ones to tell me straight. My DH and my mother do as well.  I know it's out of nothing more than kindness. But I'm a cancer, and I take things personally and am overly sensitive. I'm very true to my sigh unforutently. .

I called DD yesterday afternoon on my way home from work. She was regulated and very pleasant to talk to. She told me that the CM told her that despite what the RTC said, if she is showing tremendous progress, she may not necessarily need to stay for the full 9 - 12 months.  My DD said that was all she wanted to know. She said she realizes that she may have to stay that long, but just feels better knowing there is an option to not have to if she's doing very well and how she really really wants to start high school next year. She even said that she is glad she will get home passes so she can prove that she can do better at home as well.  I commented her on her positive attitude about it. She even told me she loved me back before we hung up which was the first time in over a month she has. She usually says "k", when I tell her I love her... .

She has been asking for me to get her a pack of cigs when she gets out so she can smoke some before she goes to RTC. I told her it didn't make sense considering she can't smoke there and that now is the time to stop. But she kept pushing  so I told her I'd think about it. And I know that is wrong to say that and I should have straight out said no. But you have to understand how I am. I'm the type of person that isn't quick on their feet and needs time to think things through and so be putting on the spot is very hard for me and I oftentimes say the wrong thing. So I pondered it and am going to tell her today that my job is to do everything I can to keep her safe and healthy and that while I was guilty of buying her a pack in the past, that things are changing in that respect too because I was wrong in doing so. That I love her and am not willing to give her something that is harmful to her. She won't like it and I'm fine with that. I will stand firm on this because it's true. And besides, it's illegal.

She told me two girls from the shelter ran away the other day. I'm glad my DD was smart enough not to have followed.

While looking for a book to read last night in my nighstand, I came upon a book that I don't even remember getting! It's called "Stop compromising with your Teen".  I forget the name of the author. But itr is a very god read and it talks about how parents sometimes do things that make matters worse when dealing with their kids with respect to pretty much what I do. Give in to avoid negative outcomes. And how it does more harm than good. I like how it talks about it not being to late to change bad habits and gives tools on how to do so. which is pretty much how I came up wtih the response to the smoking thing. I really like this book. I have a hard time staying awake when I read though, so I didn't get through too much but am excited to keep reading it. I'm thinking I got it along with a few videos that someone on a divorce site  I belonged to sent me awhile ago who has a DD with BPD.

[jellibeans]

RAy

sounds like thing are going good... . you don't need to explain yourself to us... . we know what you are going through and have been there many times... . it is good to hae an open mind to input because I have found I am so closely linked with my dd I don't always realize what is going on.


Ray I do think your dd is testing you with the cig request... . this is something my dd does too. It is important to remaind consistant and say no everytime. That is my biggest problem... . being consistant.

It is good she realizes that her stay can be shorter... . it is very hard to judge how long it will take but that will depand on her... . things are really going well... . try to not to worry which I know is hard... . believe this is a best for your dd because it is... hang in there

[raytamtay3]

Wish me luck! On my way out soon to pick up DD. The main challengr today will be the whole cig thing.

[ProfDaddy]

Ray,

I am currently visiting my S9 at an RTC.  He has been here 7 months and his total stay will be 12-18 months.  The separation has been difficult for everyone but also necessary.  My son needs the time to work in depth in a safe environment.  The rest of us at home need time to heal from the trauma of it all.  I could go on, but why?  There are no easy roads from here, but we are all moving forward.  Moving in a circle or back are not options.

ProfDaddy