InHouse separation & co-parenting: can this really work in the longterm?

[Booklvr9]

Backstory:  BPD female partner and I (female) have been together for over 30 yrs. Currently raising our 2 adopted kids (D-age 12, S-age 9) in a very good school district.  I pay almost all bills and do 90% of house maintenance, cleaning, cooking.  Want her to leave but I do not have the $20K-$30K necessary to pay her half of home equity, and of course she spends all of her money on medicine and clothing, so cannot afford to leave -- not that she wants to.  So we are living in the same house for purposes of co-parenting.

Issue -- I've set boundaries (separate bedroom, no sharing bathroom, no physical affection, etc.) but otherwise things are pretty much the same... . except that I am ready to move on and meet/date other people... . but BPDp still thinks she can "win me back".  I've explained that this ain't gonna happen.  Can this really work?   How have others handled it?

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[Turkish]

Hi Booklvr9,

That is a tough situation. The boundaries you set are good for now, but how long do you think you can keep this up? The kids surely know, right? I've heard this can work. My uBPDx has an aunt and uncle who stay together for economic and familial reasons, yet they do their own things on their own time. I refused to do this with mine, which is why I pushed her out, though it took almost 5 grueling months to do it while I was paying most of the bills. Paying child support is the price. I think she would still live in our home, doing her own thing, if I hadn't kept pushing for her to leave. Your situation sounds a bit tougher. What I finally concluded is that I did not want us to mirror her uncle's or her parents' relationship for our children. Better apart then together. How are your kids handling this?

[HopefulDad]

Backstory:  BPD female partner and I (female) have been together for over 30 yrs. Currently raising our 2 adopted kids (D-age 12, S-age 9) in a very good school district.  I pay almost all bills and do 90% of house maintenance, cleaning, cooking.  Want her to leave but I do not have the $20K-$30K necessary to pay her half of home equity, and of course she spends all of her money on medicine and clothing, so cannot afford to leave -- not that she wants to.  So we are living in the same house for purposes of co-parenting.

Issue -- I've set boundaries (separate bedroom, no sharing bathroom, no physical affection, etc.) but otherwise things are pretty much the same... . except that I am ready to move on and meet/date other people... . but BPDp still thinks she can "win me back".  I've explained that this ain't gonna happen.  Can this really work?   How have others handled it?

I tried in-house separation as a way to give myself space to think what I want to do as well as cause as little physical disruption as possible to our kids' lives.  And it was so tough that after 3 months I moved out.  And during that time not once did I contemplate making this a permanent separation living arrangement and NO WAY was I ever considering seeing other people later on while co-habitating.

I think this has Bad Idea Jeans written all over it.

[an0ught]

Hi Booklvr9,

Backstory:  BPD female partner and I (female) have been together for over 30 yrs. Currently raising our 2 adopted kids (D-age 12, S-age 9) in a very good school district.  I pay almost all bills and do 90% of house maintenance, cleaning, cooking.  Want her to leave but I do not have the $20K-$30K necessary to pay her half of home equity, and of course she spends all of her money on medicine and clothing, so cannot afford to leave -- not that she wants to.  So we are living in the same house for purposes of co-parenting.

this may or may not work. There are intimate, loving, hating, fighting, sleeping together and apart couples on this board. Distance and boundaries often help to manage symptoms so chances are it stays manageable for a a few years. Respect is key for a relationship with a pwBPD.

Issue -- I've set boundaries (separate bedroom, no sharing bathroom, no physical affection, etc.) but otherwise things are pretty much the same... . except that I am ready to move on and meet/date other people... . but BPDp still thinks she can "win me back".  I've explained that this ain't gonna happen.  Can this really work?   How have others handled it?

this moving on to new partner while living with a long term partner who has not detached however sounds like trouble stored up. You may want to read the LESSONs on the LEAVING(!) board to understand the detachment process. PwBPD can form very, very strong attachments and considering the timespan you mentioned and her current behavior this process has not fully run its course - if it ever will.