Disappointed Friends & Family

[In_n_Out]

I don't know where else to post this except here with others that very well may understand the situation.

So my dBPDxgf and I have spent a *lot* of time together lately and it was been wonderful.  I have read and learned to validate and she has responded so well to that.  She is also become motivated to return to therapy and DBT's. 

The side issues aren't going so well though.  Every single one of my friends and family members range in emotion about me talking with her again from "it's your decision and I'll support whatever it is you decide" to downright being pissed off about it.  My ex-ex gf who I love and adore just reamed me out about it: "the one time that I ever asked a favor of you was when you where with (her) and you snubbed me because you had shut out the entire world" (or something to that effect). 

The other HUGE issue is my replacement.  She admits that she doesn't love him and she's being pressured to marry him.  The guys mom loves her to death and has started planning a wedding even before he proposed.  Actually, he started to and she declined him before he even got to one knee.  She says that she's in an awful mess because she can't love him because she's so in love with me but she rushed in to this next r/s out of spite and she knows how wrong it was, etc.  We all know the BPD trait of jumping from one r/s to the next.

I don't even know what advice to ask for.  I love this woman with all of my heart and would do anything for her.  This latest "recycle" has been pure heaven. It hasn't been an idolization period; ok, maybe it has, but we've talked about her issues in the past (the push/pull, the blaming, the "what about you?" turn around game) and we've talked about how I didn't know how to validate her emotions and that I misunderstood what she was trying to tell me until recently.

Do I stand by my BPDxgf and see where that goes while explaining to friends and family that I love the woman (they know that) but that I will not shut them out this time (I've already talked to my xgf about "losing myself" during our r/s and how I can't and won't do that again).  Or do I just walk away from her, suffer the terrible heartache again and move forward without her?

This is more dear Abby advice so I know that can't really be answered but any perspective from those that have had friends/family just boil over at the idea of you being with your BPD partner and how you handle(d) it would be great.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Mine feel and have said the same thing. Though I consider all opinions (my close friends are long term, the least of which I've known 20years, the most approaching 30, they are like brothers), I need to do what's best for me. I almost ruined one or two relationships, however, due to the enmrshment with my uBDx. Was it worth it? Maybe that's not the right question to ask. Do I want to possibly alienate the ones that really love me and won't abandon me? Why do I have to choose? A healthy r/s should be one where I could integrate my SO into my life. Disagreements and even some minor conflict are normal. Alienation is not. Neither is denial and covering up bad behaviors. Suffering in silence, so to speak. Mine has left such a path of emotional destruction that I am not willing to go there again. But that is just me, YMMV.

[an0ught]

Hi In_n_Out,

I don't even know what advice to ask for.  I love this woman with all of my heart and would do anything for her.  This latest "recycle" has been pure heaven. It hasn't been an idolization period; ok, maybe it has, but we've talked about her issues in the past (the push/pull, the blaming, the "what about you?" turn around game) and we've talked about how I didn't know how to validate her emotions and that I misunderstood what she was trying to tell me until recently.

Do I stand by my BPDxgf and see where that goes while explaining to friends and family that I love the woman (they know that) but that I will not shut them out this time (I've already talked to my xgf about "losing myself" during our r/s and how I can't and won't do that again).  Or do I just walk away from her, suffer the terrible heartache again and move forward without her?

This is more dear Abby advice so I know that can't really be answered but any perspective from those that have had friends/family just boil over at the idea of you being with your BPD partner and how you handle(d) it would be great.

sometimes relationships break up and reconcile, that is normal. And of course the world around us will take to adjust, that is normal too.

You feel pressured by a lot of people that should not really pressure you. And to some degree they do and to some degree it is you who is receptive to such pressure.

You are asking us for advice - again looking to the outside.


What about just doing what you feel right and being content with having done your best? In the end it is your judgment that matters as you will have to deal with the consequences too. Could you do better than your best? Is that not enough?


Boundaries are hard at the beginning - everyone loves to meddle in others affairs - but not everyone has the consequences to bear