Boundaries with facebook

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My boyfriend is always on my Facebook.

He questions me about things I like and comment on, and what other people like and comment on my posts.

He also can see when I was last on.facebook.  Which means he gets angry if he sees I've been on.facebook and haven't text him.  I feel like he monitors me a little bit. 

He even went back a few years, before we met, and questioned me about different status updates.  Most of them I could not remember. 

Has Facebook or other social media been a source of trouble with an SO with BPD?

How do you deal with it?

When I bring it up he grows defensive.  I've threatened to block him and he threatened to break up with me if I did.

[AllisG]

My boyfriend is always on my Facebook.

He questions me about things I like and comment on, and what other people like and comment on my posts.

He also can see when I was last on.facebook.  Which means he gets angry if he sees I've been on.facebook and haven't text him.  I feel like he monitors me a little bit. 

He even went back a few years, before we met, and questioned me about different status updates.  Most of them I could not remember. 

Has Facebook or other social media been a source of trouble with an SO with BPD?

How do you deal with it?

When I bring it up he grows defensive.  I've threatened to block him and he threatened to break up with me if I did.

[GreenMango]

AllisG facebook is like the topic that just won't quit.  It comes up quite often as a major source of ways for people to gauge whether or not their ex is speaking to them in code ... . like a magic eight ball or something.  You'd think some like a social site wouldn't be the source of problems like these.


It's also a source of conflict.  Like texting.  So much their to play into people's imaginations.

nobody likes being grilled and kept watch over like yours is doing now with facebook.  I'd like to encourage you to look at the staying board lessons on boundaries,  communication tools and validation as a way to approach this subject with him.

These tools are essential in a relationship with someone with rejection sensitivity.

what do you say when he starts to bring this fb stuff up?

Does he have access to your accounts... . emails fb phone etc?  This is a slippery slope and members (seasoned stayers tend to start to put up boundaries regarding the privacy issues because it gets out of hand normallyĺ

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I'm new to the whole BPD world, I haven't gone back to tackle FB yet with my uBPDw.  I wish I knew more about BPD then, now it's going to be more work getting that part of me back.

It was one of the first places she talked about my "secret world" after we got married.  One day she wanted to know who all my friends were... . seemed like a reasonable request.  We went through them, I told her where I knew them all from.  I had a couple old girl friends, when she put up a fuss I deleted them... . at the time seemed fine.   I told her I just don't normally go through my friends to remove any that I don't keep in touch with.

Of course that wasn't enough, and for months I heard about how if I really loved her I wouldn't have kept "those women" as friends.  When I got a new friend request from a woman who was in my Christian Divorce Support group I ended up declining because of her rage at my "secret relationships".

Over time FB just wasn't worth it and I'm rarely on it.  But that just means she's moved on to other things.

Now I know I helped feed the beast.  It's never enough until you learn some of the tools in the lessons here.

Yesterday I bought the book High Conflict Couples recommended here.  I read the first few pages in the store and man, it's description of our arguments is spot on.  My wife can be somewhat aware that things aren't quite right, and I hope we can work through the book together.

I may decide to talk to her about FB in the future, but I wish I would have known then what I know now.

[MissTajo]

Ohhhh the Facebook drama. Im quite familiar with it. 

I have a page there too , general stuff, nice pictures and words and every freaking time I post something he says how nice it is and on the next argument here it comes: For your damn page you have time! To phone me I have to beg!

I call him everyday, 4 times a day.

Text him about 5 sms a day.

Talk for 30 m or an hour every night on phone... . (used to be 3 hours or more ... . )

I answer: If you dont like the page, just "unlike " it on fb... .

I got about 400 folowers and used to updated everyday. Now I go there once a month.

Friends found it weird but I just gave up on facebook to avoid the drama. Wrong decision I know.

[popeye6031]

Hi AllisG,

Sorry to hear of your issues.

This has absolutely been a huge soruce of issues in my relationship.  My fiancee was going through my FB account, deleting and blocking people when she felt like it.

She was checking my activity log to see what likes I would put on posts etc.  It became a daily source of arguments for us.

After 20 months of it I had enough, changed my password about 6 months ago and never give it back to her.  She threw a couple of tantrums and asked to know the new passowrd but I said no.  She has learned to live with it.  She still checks up to see what likes I put and people added (since FB notifies all your friends of this annoyingly) and she absoultey hates when I add anyone, male or female.

I have added 5 people in the last 6 months, she has added about 40.  I was quizzed over and over about those 5 people, 1 was as school buddy, one a work colleague and 3 were friends (2 male).

I have since had to delete her 2 male friends as apparently they have wronged her somehow.  More likely because she was just angry at them adding me.  Her female friend she claims also wronged her but I jsut told her that I know no eveidence of thisand never deleted her.

Email was another thing that caused daily issues, with every mail (including junk mail) quizzed over and every email realting to something I bought queried.

Again, I changed the password and told her she had to accept it and did not care what she said or did.

My advice to you is to put the foot down on this and change the passwords.  Of course you will get accused of hiding something but there is nothing you can do about what he wants to believe.

I have put my foot down a lot over the last few months, taking the attitude that if we split up, it will be her loss and have to admit things are getting better.  

I am still unsure if I can put up with accusations, excessive demands, ungratefulness and double standards for the rest of my life but at least most of the verbal abuse has stopped mostly.

Good luck to you.

[AllisG]

Thanks for your replies.

That is my life... . I spend half my day on the phone either by talking, text, whatsapp, but if he sees I've been on Facebook... .

I'm not giving it up; it's how I stay in touch with many people close to but living far away. 

He doesn't have any of my passwords.  He's just always creeping my page.  And yes!  Annoyingly Facebook tells all your friends every little move you make. 

Today he text me that someone commented on my status.  I said "I know."  It was a male acquaintance but the subject was innocuous as the weather.  And I got the third degree about this guy I went to high school with.

[1BrickShort]

 

Oh, the games they play.

I, too, have run the FB gauntlet.

I've been questioned over every thing I've posted (but don't you dare question them like they question you!); questioned and accused over anything another person would write back (you know, like we can control what our friends do!); had my friends list scoured and then this person added anyone I was friends with that they weren't friends with so they would get the alerts and see any interaction I might have with them on their page; then this person posted a bunch of dramaz (poor woe is them/I am a bad person crap that was all a result of their craptastic behavior) ONLY to all of the mutual friends we had, leaving out any friends that were not mutual between us. The drama and accusations and victimhood were somewhat recurring on multiple platforms over the course of a year (I believe there were multiple small mental breakdowns over the course of one particular year - these were likely mania episodes as this person has also been diagnosed and is currently being treated (read: medicated) for BiP as well involved with CBT for BPD)

Blah blah blah.

I have screen shots of this last antic just to remind me of how lovely social networking with a crazy person can be.

That said, I have had the individual blocked from seeing any of my activity on my FB page for a couple years now. Periodically I've unblocked and refriended, but it never works. This is a good reminder for me b/c I've been feeling more sympathetic of late.

On a similar note, everyone this person is associated with - family, close-ish friends, co-workers have been blocked from my account. I flat out do not exist for them on Facebook. Likewise, I've deleted my accounts of many-many-years on G+, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, KIK, etc because I the privacy controls on those forums are just not up to my standards. I have, however, recently started using Twitter again, and this person knows it, but I don't interact with, and expect to not be interacted with BY this person. I use the network to follow news, sporting events, University news, etc and interact with a couple of the more free-thinker-types in my family where we can't really be that way on Facebook.

Of course, this person has picked up many of the people I follow and interact with, as well as added all of the local-to-me venues and news outlets that are in my town (we are 150+ miles apart, so these things are 'of interest' in no other way than that they are MY interests and my livelihood and MY town.)

It's wearing.

I also understand that whole, "Well, if you have time to post online, you certainly have time to SPEND EVERY FREE MOMENT TEXTING ME" mentality.

Yeah, no.

Howabout 'their' internet addiction? Anyone have someone with one of those too?

Best of luck. My suggestion is to develop hard boundaries and never back off.

[maxsterling]

I do not have a facebook account.  I'm terrified of facebook, to be honest.  She knew from the start I did not have facebook.  And knowing her now, I'm glad I don't.  The one thing I haven't had from her it too much prying into my past or my personal business.  But if I had a facebook account, I think it would have been so much in front of her that she wouldn't be able to resist.  She has asked about my female friends, asked if I slept with them, and then asked why not (she doesn't understand that one can be friends with a member of the opposite sex and not have sexual interests in them, and I assume because she says there was a time when she slept with almost all her friends, whether male or female).  If these were friends on facebook and she could read their messages to me, and mine to them, and see their photos, I think she would have a breakdown, not because there is inappropriate conversation, but because my other life would be in front of her. 

Interestingly, she quit facebook, because she was too tempted and triggered by her friends' happiness.  She tells me now that was a good decision on her part.

[Fool for Love]

Reading this opens my eyes . FB at one time was a problem for my ex . I would be on FB at home and all of a sudden she would call me and ask what I was doing ? She would get mad if I commented on another girls photo or liked it . I would be fishing and send her a pick of the sunrise and then post it on FB and she would throw a fit because that pic was sent for her ... The more I read this board the more I realize her dumping me for another guy was best ... Let him put up with that bull.