Confused, thinking way to much.

[MissTajo]

I have my mind in a blur for the last year (that's how long we've been together)

We started out has friends helping each other with OCD issues. I grew up with OCD and I really thought no one in the world understood me. Later when I was in my 20´s I found out OCD was a real thing and that I was not crazy.

We met on a bus one day and we started talking a lot , having 3 hour long conversations on the phone and casually he slipped that he had OCD I was like WOAH and I said... . : I have it too.

Since then we have been friends. A month later we started dating and only after that he told me about BPD. He has his body covered in scars so I knew he had had a troubled past. I didn't knew then how it would made my life turn upside down. And mostly: my mind.

I lost my parents when I was in my mid 20´s. Having that happen to me made me think I am in control of very little of what goes on in my life. Became a little more spiritual, even more introvert. He came to open my eyes and in the beggining I knew this was the man I wanted to be with, have kids with , marry to.

Then the BPD kicked in. I got pushed down from the cloud. Then in the next morning putted back in the cloud. I was the best in the world and the worst in the world to him. When the arguing began over such silly things I knew he was not in his right mind so I got to read more about BPD and learn how to deal with it and left myself a little behind.

He doesnt work. Doesnt want to work because he is too afraid to. He is 33. Dropped out of college in the first week. Left jobs. Left therapists. He either loved them or hated them. So we found a free one in an association and he has been going there for 6 months. I forced him to not give up on her even if he tought she wasnt capable of helping. I always said that he should trust her and because she is a young therapist , and he knows a LOT about psychology, that he could help her a little too. So they can both work on his recovery.

Now, I sit here and I think: Where did I go?

Is it fair for me to give myself up to push him up? Im 32... . I work a stable job. I have my own rental. Where is this going? If he never works... . what will we do? One day he wants kids, the other he doesnt. And I really think he doesnt realize how hard life is. He lives with his mother who is a very very depressed person. His psychiatrist says he cant be with her forever, that it makes him worse to be around her, that he must find a part time job and move in with me because the Dr know how much I care. He only cares about his video games and tantrums. A big child .

He is a very sweet man. Very caring. But he must DO SOMETHING. Live life! He is in a permanent pause waiting for a miracle. He stopped living.

What can I do? Last time I asked if he wouldn't like to find a job he slept for 3 days without eating. Depressed and unhappy by the thought of having to have routines and talk to people.

It has been a year. Is there any hope of changing? Is it worth it? I can't have friends over, watch a movie alone, I HAVE to call him everyday , 3 times a day and text or he thinks I dont love him anymore. Its so much to handle... . Does it get better?

Sorry for the long text. I don't usually know how to speak my mind but this has been in it for the last weeks and and sorry for being so long.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[momtara]

Hard to know.  It's a tough situation.  My exH is very attached to his mother too and has trouble functioning, although my exH has a job.  Is he controlling the OCD with medication?  There may be hope if he gets intense therapy, but sounds like he doesn't want to stay in it.  It's tough when the significant other becomes the therapist - it's a job too big for most of us, but lord knows we try!  Sounds like you love each other, but he does have to take care of himself and get the right treatment.  If only someone in his family could push him in the right direction.  Hang in there, and keep posting.  You are a good person.  Don't give up your whole life to be this person's therapist, but certainly you can see what happens!

[Stalwart]

Hey Miss:

It really is a teribble experience to come falling from those clouds and find out the landing isn't anything that you thought it was ins't it? I can sure feel for you in that one.

After reading so much of your posts it's so easy to see just what a wonderful person you are and how desperately you're trying for all the right things in yours, and his life.

"One day he wants kids, the other he doesnt" Not place to mention but I really hope you give that consideration real thought. Is that what you want with this person in your present situation. Only you can control the outcome of that decision and I sure hope you maintain a line on that one that you're willing to live with. Children bring the dynamics to whole new level and I wonder how many people chose to have children thinking it 'might' improve their situations only to have to live in dire consequences later for themselves and those children. Not place really to comment so I feel I've said enough on that one.

":)oes it ever change?" Simply, nothing will change by itself and although you're trying to get him engaged in therapy and self-improvement you know it has to be him. Nothing will change unless he gains the wherewithall to change it himself.

You have a year invested and I'm sure you've done enough soul searching about that investment and it's implications on your present and future. I also know you love and want better for him and for yourself. What does he say about the prospects of your future relationship? How does he see that maturing or materializing. I wonder.

You stay healthy MIss, you're a wonderful person and you have to above all, take care of yourself and stay strong. Just thought I'd drop a line to let you know there are so many people here thinking about you right now and that you're not alone and you are cared about. It's impossible not to care about someone who is trying as hard as you are and deserve so much. 

[MissTajo]

Thank you both so much for the care 

It really is confusing to be in a relationship so unstable as this one. I do know he loves me and for all I know he is faithful and true. But those "black moments"... . God, those are hard to deal with... .

Stawart: He talks about the future all the time. He needs to know constantly I want him to move in with me. Most of the time I think it would be good for him/us. Others... . I'm just not sure. I always appreciated solitude. To write, to draw, to listen to my jazz quietly with no fuss. He is a nice company but the music has to be so loud (rock and dubstep) and talks from one room to another loud too and dancing and he has soo much energy sometimes I cant keep up (maybe this coming from the fact he doesnt work or does a lot during the week when he is with his mom) and I like the quietness. But this is not his BPD fault its just things we would be able to adapt. He doesnt know about these feelings I have. I dont want to upset him.

He goes to therapy every week and he needs too go, and wants to go. He loves to talk about himself and the therapist is there to listen so hurray. BUT comes to certain times he thinks she is not capable to help him. But he does want to keep going. And he takes is meds on time everyday , 3 times a day too. So he does take care of himself and he knows he has a serious problem.

His mother is a very depressed person. Keeps saying she wants to die and doesnt take her meds seriously. He tries to help but it just brings him down. She says to him the meanest things like "my name" is going to get tired of your problems,. She is too good for you. You dont deserve her.  Then she says: oh you are just a good boy and I threat you so bad... .

Sounds familiar?... .

So, here I am, not knowing what do do with my life or how to help him better or if I continue like this where are we going to. Should I talk about work again? Tough love isnt really my specialty and I dont know if it would help.

[MissTajo]

So , yesterday we were talking, and I was saying how tired I was from work and How good it felt to finnally be in bed and he said he would rather live on the streets than having to go to work and have routines. And I asked: What do you mean? And he answered : You know: homeless. I would hate to live like you do, to pay a rent and to have bills every month and the responsibility to work.


... . He has no clue how the real life is  :'(

[MissTajo]

He also said something that made me think. I immediately responded in a very coherent adult way but this morning I just keep thinking about it.

He said he feels he has done so much wrong to me that he wont feel like anything he can do will ever take that back or make it better. I answered that we made things better by being kind and honest with the person we love. Eventually the harsh words and situations would be blurred next to the good vivid memories. He said that what he always did was ruin the person, learn to leave them and move on to ruin another person. And I was like: Have you considered to change your behavior by actually trying to get better and treat others well? He said he didnt mean to hurt people. I answered : You have a condition that makes that harder, your BPD, so you must try even harder. Be more positive. Do more of what makes you happy. He said, and this was almost hilarious: Maybe I dont have BPD. Maybe its just my temper. (he was diagnosed last year, has been going to therapy since he was 16!) And I answer, and I confess it slipped out: OH believe ME you DO have BPD! - Fortunately he laughed... .

[Lilibeth]

MissTajo, i felt really terrible reading what you are going through. As Stalward said: 'You stay healthy MIss, you're a wonderful person and you have to above all, take care of yourself and stay strong,' and '... . you're not alone and you are cared about.'

This sounds so familiar, MissTajo, his saying that it is only a temper problem. It was the same with me. By nature i get terribly scared if someone even raises their voice, and i almost died the first time - 26 years ago - when he first got uncontrollably angry. I would have broken off our relationship then - in retrospect, maybe i should have... . But it was the same thing - he got me to believe that it was only a temper problem and he would win over his nature. He asked me to give him 5 years. I did. But it just went on, and the abuse was terrible. He somehow won over my daughter by telling her that i was making a big thing out of it and that he really wasn't like that, it was only temper. She couldn't - still cannot - bear it when he 'gets angry' with me. I had nowhere to go, and no support from family, so i stuck on. Finally i reached this point where i just couldn't go on anymore (am 62 now). I happened to stumble onto this site, and now have a fresh lease on life. Am learning to live my own life in the way i want, and though it is not at all easy, am learning, through the techniques i've learnt here to disassociate myself when he becomes dysfunctional.

Choices aren't easy. Since you have a headstart in knowing that he has BPD, i feel maybe if you start working on your angle, it will be easier for you to handle the whole thing. The hardest lesson for me has been to know that this will not go away. I have to make my own life meaningful as best as i can. That is very possible.

[MissTajo]

Thank you , Lilibeth, for your words.

I was very moved by what you told me. For what I see you are together for a long time. Tell me, are you happy? Did you manage to find yourself and take care of you even being married to someone with BPD?

[Tolou]

Miss Tajo, it sounds like he has been enabled a lot in life.  It hard for a person to become responsible, when they don't have to?  If he is living with his mother, it is a choice, he rather not work, that's responsibility. There are always good qaulties that you can find in people, especially the people you love.  Don't overlook the bad ones though, and what effect they can have on your life.  I don't think it is healthy to life someone up and in the process lose yourself, or end compensating through other areas of your life.  I do feel certain personally certain things are worth fighting for, but they usally when you have to fight for something, it comes a cost.  You definitely can't be his therapist, you can show support thought.  But when you reassure irrational beliefs and behaviors, then why would someone need to stop doing that.  If he is a big child? How can he raise children if he still thinks like one and isn't committed to improving life and getting help.

You ahve to think about what is healthiest for you and if you stay how much your willing to put up with and how long.  Even though we alos make a lot of promises in these realtionships and declare ":I always... . " sometimes, it just isn't realistic.  There is only so far you go to help people if they don't want it, seek it, or are truely motivated in getting help.  My brother, who lives with mom, hasn't worked a job in 10 yearsssssss! Time truely flies by, the last time he held a job was in 2004 and that for 3months.  With all the same excuses you read above.  I would that does not become your partners truth.  But sometimes you need to think, what would my life be like without this person? 

[Lilibeth]

MissTajo, your questions opened up a dam inside of me - no MissTajo, i have not been happy. I had no choice, and i had a daughter i was determined should get a fair chance at life and stand on her feet. I would not have been able to do it on my own. I have paid a huge, huge price, but when i see her, i feel it's okay. I've had to pay for every bit of happiness that came my way. You see, his take off point is everyone and everything is rubbish and only he knows what's what. So, a tiny bit of something good or innocently happy would get torn apart and along with that would come the abuse and tearing up of my insides... . thankfully only the verbal shredding is left when he tries to get to my emotions. He has stopped the other abuse... . It's only last month that i came across this book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and through it i came to this site. Since then, it feels as if my whole life as changed. Now, yes, i am working on myself - healing myself and learning to take care of me first... . my daughter has already spotted the change and is happy for me, and more relaxed in herself too... . I am so determined now, MissTajo, so determined to become whole again and be at peace these last years of my life. There's still a lot to be done, but slowly, i think, with help from others here, i think i'll be able to do it.

Tolou says it very well - 'You have to think about what is healthiest for you'.

Living with a pwBPD is a daily, daily challenge - so you have to have your own self clearly well-equipped to deal with this on a daily basis.