Why is this so hard?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello All,

I haven't been around in a while because my life, MY LIFE, has been going pretty well for the most part - my career is taking off, I'm happy where I'm living, I've been NC for 6+ months and I appeared to be moving on from my ex slowly but surely, however, my love life is probably the worst it's been in a while. Nevertheless, things have been pretty good. Then today happens. I find out via social media that my uBPDexgf is still with my replacement whom she overlapped with our relationship. It ruined my day!   The reason I am so distraught about this is that when we were dating our recycles would last from 2-4 months. Never longer. During our most recent recycle, she informed me that when she's gotten to around the 3 month mark in her r/s, she usually gets out of it or things go downhill (classic BPD in my opinion). But now she's at almost the 7 month mark with this guy and it is destroying me. It has turned my world upside down because now all the evidence I feel I had that would prove she was likely BPD has gone out the window. Her new r/s has lasted and it goes against what I believed that she would eventually do, which is turn into Dr. Jekyll sooner rather than later. I'm sick. I knew it was over before, but all those feelings of inadequateness and thinking that something is wrong with me have resurfaced. It was so much easier when I thought it was something wrong with her. I'd like to note that I didn't go out and try to find this information it just came into my line of sight because we have mutual friends on social media (I blocked her two weeks after going NC when she was putting up pics of this guy rubbing it in my face). However, once I saw it, I dug deeper and I noticed now that she has me blocked as well. I thought she was indifferent, but in reality, I've been painted black. I'm one of the enemies and that is killing me as well. I don't know what to do with myself I feel like I took a major step back. I gave this girl everything I had and now we are dead to each other. For me though, I think about her every day, she probably doesn't think about me EVER because she's preoccupied with the love of her life. Based on what I saw, it's serious, and for her to get that serious it must be really good and she must be really happy. I don't wish bad on her in life, but I do hope that she continues to struggle to find love because of all the pain she caused me. I'm sorry for rambling, but this is the only place I feel safe to talk about this anymore. Thank you all for listening.

[DownandOut]

Hello All,

I haven't been around in a while because my life, MY LIFE, has been going pretty well for the most part - my career is taking off, I'm happy where I'm living, I've been NC for 6+ months and I appeared to be moving on from my ex slowly but surely, however, my love life is probably the worst it's been in a while. Nevertheless, things have been pretty good. Then today happens. I find out via social media that my uBPDexgf is still with my replacement whom she overlapped with our relationship. It ruined my day!   The reason I am so distraught about this is that when we were dating our recycles would last from 2-4 months. Never longer. During our most recent recycle, she informed me that when she's gotten to around the 3 month mark in her r/s, she usually gets out of it or things go downhill (classic BPD in my opinion). But now she's at almost the 7 month mark with this guy and it is destroying me. It has turned my world upside down because now all the evidence I feel I had that would prove she was likely BPD has gone out the window. Her new r/s has lasted and it goes against what I believed that she would eventually do, which is turn into Dr. Jekyll sooner rather than later. I'm sick. I knew it was over before, but all those feelings of inadequateness and thinking that something is wrong with me have resurfaced. It was so much easier when I thought it was something wrong with her. I'd like to note that I didn't go out and try to find this information it just came into my line of sight because we have mutual friends on social media (I blocked her two weeks after going NC when she was putting up pics of this guy rubbing it in my face). However, once I saw it, I dug deeper and I noticed now that she has me blocked as well. I thought she was indifferent, but in reality, I've been painted black. I'm one of the enemies and that is killing me as well. I don't know what to do with myself I feel like I took a major step back. I gave this girl everything I had and now we are dead to each other. For me though, I think about her every day, she probably doesn't think about me EVER because she's preoccupied with the love of her life. Based on what I saw, it's serious, and for her to get that serious it must be really good and she must be really happy. I don't wish bad on her in life, but I do hope that she continues to struggle to find love because of all the pain she caused me. I'm sorry for rambling, but this is the only place I feel safe to talk about this anymore. Thank you all for listening.

[Turkish]

Hi DownandOut,

I feel your pain. Was it us, not them? Of course it was us to a certain extent... . or we wouldn't have chosen each other. A pattern is a pattern. A break in the pattern doesn't mean that overall it still isn't there. You're here because you are searching, which is a sign of something healthy within you. The replacement may be providing something you didn't: that constant, one-sided validation. Were you willing to keep doing that, losing yourself as time went on?

As for not thinking she is BPD. She at least has some traits, or you wouldn't be here. The long relationships and marriages (of decades) you see from members here, especially on the Staying and Undecided boards, belies the assumption that our uBPDs are not BPD, or at the very least exhibit strong traits. Your frustration is understandable in that you are still seaching for that which you think you lack. It isn't something you lack intrinsically, it's something that you lacked just for that person. Is that idealization on our parts, the believe that love will prevail no matter the odds?

Based on what I saw, it's serious, and for her to get that serious it must be really good and she must be really happy.

One, we could say that a pwBPD is at their core unhappy and empty. Mine cycled. Even in hours or minutes, though after a while, I could usually feel the bad feelings bubbling underneath. When they were dormant, it was brief. Two, and more importantly, if you love her, would you want her to be happy or not? The former is about her, the latter more about ourselves.

[fromheeltoheal]

We can't see inside another relationship, we can only see external stuff, usually what they want seen.  Just because they're still together doesn't mean it's a blissful bond and he's the man of her dreams; what if she's fully triggered and he's as disordered as she is, think holes in the sheetrock, mean, violent sex or none at all, any communication entirely comprised of caustic vitriol and venom.  A living hell we wouldn't want but they don't know any better.  And we don't really know.  But time alone doesn't mean anything, and you know her well enough to know it gets uglier with time.

And all humans wonder if they're enough on some level, and when a borderline systematically attacks our self esteem, as a means to control us so we won't leave, we add that abuse to the preexisting 'less than' vibe, and any suitor is going to be "better than" us.  Fck that.  What if we meet a nice girl who does just the opposite?  Makes us feel better about ourselves and stronger, not worse and weaker.  We might even call that a healthy relationship with string music and a sunset in it, while the disordered beat each other to a pulp.

I've read it countless times here and experienced it in my relationship: the primary emotion for a borderline is shame, and if she was to acknowledge you and what went down between you, the feelings of shame would overwhelm her, as do all emotions, so she puts the coping tools to use, just like she always has; you need to be the scumbag, the scapegoat, blaming you soothes the shame, hating you projects her self hatred on you, she feels a little better.  There's nothing for us there.  Think sunsets and string music... .

[growing_wings]

I gave this girl everything I had and now we are dead to each other.

you gave the girl everything you had and now she painted you black. hurts... . this is the aftermath of a BPD relationship. Is not easy, it is very hard to take.

For me, hurts too... i am dead to her. Even those friends of her that she "despised" and talked so bad about mean something to her now... . they are painted "white" inspite of them speaking badly about her!, but me, who cared for her, was there for her and tried to "save" her... i am painted totally black like if i never existed... my photos erased, any sign of me being in her life... erased. the end of a BPD relationship... painful... .

but, like turk said, we, the "non's"  also had our own issues, and we are dealing with it. we are working to solve those and we have to continue to do so. Dont feel you have taken a step back, healing is a long process, and is not easy.

what is left for us? the learning & awareness that surfaced after our BPD relationship. that is valuable, VERY valuable if we learn from it and incorporate in our lives.

keep focusing on yourself. 

[DownandOut]

One, we could say that a pwBPD is at their core unhappy and empty. Mine cycled. Even in hours or minutes, though after a while, I could usually feel the bad feelings bubbling underneath. When they were dormant, it was brief. Two, and more importantly, if you love her, would you want her to be happy or not? The former is about her, the latter more about ourselves.

Turkish,

I don't know if I love her. I know that I loved what I thought she could be or what she pretended to be at times or what she actually is but cannot sustain. Right now, I don't want to see her happy with someone else, because in all honesty, I'm not happy with someone else. I'm not unhappy, but it seems like she was the missing piece of the puzzle for me to have everything I wanted. I know it sounds selfish considering all the good that's taken place in my life recently, however, it's truly how I'm feeling and seeing that picture ripped my heart out today.

We can't see inside another relationship, we can only see external stuff, usually what they want seen.  Just because they're still together doesn't mean it's a blissful bond and he's the man of her dreams; what if she's fully triggered and he's as disordered as she is, think holes in the sheetrock, mean, violent sex or none at all, any communication entirely comprised of caustic vitriol and venom.  A living hell we wouldn't want but they don't know any better.  And we don't really know.  But time alone doesn't mean anything, and you know her well enough to know it gets uglier with time.

And all humans wonder if they're enough on some level, and when a borderline systematically attacks our self esteem, as a means to control us so we won't leave, we add that abuse to the preexisting 'less than' vibe, and any suitor is going to be "better than" us.  Fck that.  What if we meet a nice girl who does just the opposite?  Makes us feel better about ourselves and stronger, not worse and weaker.  We might even call that a healthy relationship with string music and a sunset in it, while the disordered beat each other to a pulp.

I've read it countless times here and experienced it in my relationship: the primary emotion for a borderline is shame, and if she was to acknowledge you and what went down between you, the feelings of shame would overwhelm her, as do all emotions, so she puts the coping tools to use, just like she always has; you need to be the scumbag, the scapegoat, blaming you soothes the shame, hating you projects her self hatred on you, she feels a little better. There's nothing for us there.  Think sunsets and string music... .

You're right, I can't imagine her thinking about me because she knows deep down what she did to me was wrong. She knows she hurt me unjustifiably and I don't think she could face that. Or maybe she has. Unfortunately, I won't know what the relationship is like one way or another. You may be right, it may be a front. She may be miserable, but who knows? I don't. I could even reason that she was so distraught by me leaving that she is just holding on to this guy because she knows she could never have me again. Of course I don't know if any of that is true, but I could make myself feel better by telling myself that. I just don't want to do that though. I'd rather not think about it. Before our b/u she told me that she didn't want to let me go because she didn't want to lose me forever. Now she has. She also mentioned that she didn't want to go back into the dating scene as if her only reason for staying with me was out of convenience. That's when I knew I had to leave. But here I am, 6+ months later and still reeling. She's all smiles with my replacement. She probably finds it easy to hate me to avoid the shame like you said, but for me, no matter how much I want to hate her I can't. I want to feel indifferent. No strong feelings either way. This process is taking too long for someone as normally strong as I am. I feel weak. Today I want to lay down and die. I won't, but that's how strong my feelings are today.

[DownandOut]

I gave this girl everything I had and now we are dead to each other.

you gave the girl everything you had and now she painted you black. hurts... . this is the aftermath of a BPD relationship. Is not easy, it is very hard to take.

For me, hurts too... i am dead to her. Even those friends of her that she "despised" and talked so bad about mean something to her now... . they are painted "white" inspite of them speaking badly about her!, but me, who cared for her, was there for her and tried to "save" her... i am painted totally black like if i never existed... my photos erased, any sign of me being in her life... erased. the end of a BPD relationship... painful... .

but, like turk said, we, the "non's"  also had our own issues, and we are dealing with it. we are working to solve those and we have to continue to do so. Dont feel you have taken a step back, healing is a long process, and is not easy.

what is left for us? the learning & awareness that surfaced after our BPD relationship. that is valuable, VERY valuable if we learn from it and incorporate in our lives.

keep focusing on yourself. 

Believe me, my focus has been on myself for the past couple of months. I've gotten so much better at dealing with the ruminating and feelings of loss; however, today's turn of events hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks. I feel dizzy and off-balance. I feel like my heart has been stomped on again and I'm crushed.

[Waifed]

D&O

Also keep in mind that you are only seeing a sampling of what is going on in her life via social media.  When was the last time you saw a post on social media talking about how miserable someones relationship is, or seen a picture of someone crying or raging?  As you probably know pwBPD traits like to keep their behavior as close to their personal lives as they can.  Appearances can be very deceiving.  Sorry you are hurting. You are also healing, it's just hard to recognize sometimes because it is a slow process.  Hang in there.

[Lucky Jim]

What if we meet a nice girl who does just the opposite?  Makes us feel better about ourselves and stronger, not worse and weaker.  We might even call that a healthy relationship with string music and a sunset in it, while the disordered beat each other to a pulp.

Great stuff, fromhtoh.  And the fact is, there are plenty of nice girls out there who are happy to do just that, which is something to keep in the back of your mind, DandO.  LJ

[Turkish]

D&O

Also keep in mind that you are only seeing a sampling of what is going on in her life via social media.  When was the last time you saw a post on social media talking about how miserable someones relationship is, or seen a picture of someone crying or raging?  As you probably know pwBPD traits like to keep their behavior as close to their personal lives as they can.  Appearances can be very deceiving.  Sorry you are hurting. You are also healing, it's just hard to recognize sometimes because it is a slow process.  Hang in there.

well,  mine posted plenty of back handed devaluations  of me on her FB,  which is why I  blocked her months ago.  tired of seeing that stuff.  everyone knows who she was talking about.  so I miss pics of the kids,  so what?  most of them had her in them anyway.

[DownandOut]

D&O

Also keep in mind that you are only seeing a sampling of what is going on in her life via social media.  When was the last time you saw a post on social media talking about how miserable someones relationship is, or seen a picture of someone crying or raging?  As you probably know pwBPD traits like to keep their behavior as close to their personal lives as they can.  Appearances can be very deceiving.  Sorry you are hurting. You are also healing, it's just hard to recognize sometimes because it is a slow process.  Hang in there.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but in this day and age of social media it's somewhat important. The way I found out about this is that she commented on someone else's post and her default picture was of her and the guy. I've never seen her with a default picture of her and a guy besides when she was dating her long-term ex-bf which is when I first met her. Since then it's been a revolving door of not-good-enough guys (obviously including a few go-arounds with me) and now she's back into a serious kind of r/s with this one. MY REPLACEMENT! I feel like a stepping stone to her happiness.

[winston72]

Hey D&O... . so sorry you are hurting today.  It does suck.  The posts in response to your initial post are great.  So much wisdom and support here.

I would like to comment that it is your day that has been ruined, not your life.  You are on your way to a more fulfilled life and likely a healthy relationship.  Detachment is a tool and you have been working with it... . and it seems to have been successful.  It will continue to succeed. 

Some of your thinking around your ex is distorted and faulty, as has been pointed out so very well by others.  You might go back and read the article on the Ten Beliefs.  I will place the link at the bottom of my post.  Your perception of her views of you and your focus on her state of being are still "centers of gravity" for your own sense of self.  At a minimum, this episode exposes this and gives you the next areas of growth for yourself. 

Six months is not very long.  I am sure it feels like forever, but it is not terribly long.  And you have made great progress.  I am sure you will continue to do so... . keep working at it.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

[DownandOut]

Hey D&O... . so sorry you are hurting today.  It does suck.  The posts in response to your initial post are great.  So much wisdom and support here.

I would like to comment that it is your day that has been ruined, not your life.  You are on your way to a more fulfilled life and likely a healthy relationship.  Detachment is a tool and you have been working with it... . and it seems to have been successful.  It will continue to succeed. 

Some of your thinking around your ex is distorted and faulty, as has been pointed out so very well by others.  You might go back and read the article on the Ten Beliefs.  I will place the link at the bottom of my post.  Your perception of her views of you and your focus on her state of being are still "centers of gravity" for your own sense of self.  At a minimum, this episode exposes this and gives you the next areas of growth for yourself. 



Six months is not very long.  I am sure it feels like forever, but it is not terribly long.  And you have made great progress.  I am sure you will continue to do so... . keep working at it.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

I'm not really sure what you mean by this can you please expound?

[seeking balance]

D&O,

Good info here thus far.

But now she's at almost the 7 month mark with this guy and it is destroying me. It has turned my world upside down because now all the evidence I feel I had that would prove she was likely BPD has gone out the window. Her new r/s has lasted and it goes against what I believed that she would eventually do, which is turn into Dr. Jekyll sooner rather than later.

How do you know the push/pull hasn't happened?  Just because he handles it differently than you does not mean that she is not doing similar patterns with him. 

I'm sick. I knew it was over before, but all those feelings of inadequateness and thinking that something is wrong with me have resurfaced.

Ok - they are here now, why not deal with them since you are out of the storm and in a really good place in your life... . maybe it is time to see a T and learn some strategies to overcome this - honestly, the gift of this relationship is it literally makes us deal with our own stuff - either that or rinse/repeat.

It was so much easier when I thought it was something wrong with her.

I think we can all agree with that 

Winston gave you a bit of a golden nugget if you let yourself really focus on it and process it.

I would like to comment that it is your day that has been ruined, not your life. You are on your way to a more fulfilled life and likely a healthy relationship.  Detachment is a tool and you have been working with it... . and it seems to have been successful.  It will continue to succeed. 

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Jump to the 10 False Beliefs - what buttons are being pushed?

[DownandOut]

Turkish -

You wrote "It isn't something you lack intrinsically, it's something that you lacked just for that person. Is that idealization on our parts, the believe that love will prevail no matter the odds?"  

In bold, I wonder if it's something I lacked for that person (uBPDexgf) which her new guy has and it isn't dysfunctional. In other words, he was able to save her from her dysfunction the same way I tried to myself. He won. I lost. That's how it feels. Of course I'm not sure of this, but if I lacked the tools necessary to help her and love her the way I always wanted to and she always wanted from me, then I failed in the r/s.

[DownandOut]

Seeking Balance -

I see a T and I have focused on the things that I need to work on for myself. I'm still working at them. Seeing this, though, has reminded me how unhappy I truly am in my love life. I could date 100s of women and none seem to compare to my ex. That is something I am exploring with my T.

No, I don't know whether there's been any push/pull. I don't know at all. What I do know is that she wasn't willing to work on the r/s with me and even if there's push/pull with this guy, they're still together. It hurts.

[schwing]

I know it sounds ridiculous, but in this day and age of social media it's somewhat important. The way I found out about this is that she commented on someone else's post and her default picture was of her and the guy. I've never seen her with a default picture of her and a guy besides when she was dating her long-term ex-bf which is when I first met her. Since then it's been a revolving door of not-good-enough guys (obviously including a few go-arounds with me) and now she's back into a serious kind of r/s with this one. MY REPLACEMENT! I feel like a stepping stone to her happiness.

Ok.  My question for you is.  :)o you *really* believe she has this disorder or not?

You are using the observation that she is now using a different photo of herself as the basis of your observation that she is now happy, versus the observations you made of her while you were in a relationship with her.  Which evidence should hold more weight?

I know you feel used.  It is ok to feel used.  But which interpretation of relationship are you going to subscribe to?  That she was (1) a master manipulated and is only getting everything that she wants through her relationships with other people?  or (2) that she is a disordered person, and these serial relationships are symptomatic of her disorder?

Can she be both?  I don't think so because if you were literally a stepping stone to her happiness, that implies she can be happy.

Believe me, my focus has been on myself for the past couple of months. I've gotten so much better at dealing with the ruminating and feelings of loss; however, today's turn of events hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks. I feel dizzy and off-balance. I feel like my heart has been stomped on again and I'm crushed.

It's good to keep most of the focus on yourself.  But I would argue that it is important to spent a fraction of your time on your feelings towards your BPD loved one, still.  It's just that for most of us, this can turn into too much time spent on focusing on them.

Recognize that what she did to you hurt you.  But antidote some of the distorted thinking (i.e., like they are not magically healed from their disorder) with the reinforcement of what you've learned about your BPD loved one since then.  And validate yourself in that what you experienced with your BPD loved was evidence of their disorder.  In short, give yourself the space and time to feel the pain and hurt, but temper that pain and hurt with knowledge.

I don't know if I love her. I know that I loved what I thought she could be or what she pretended to be at times or what she actually is but cannot sustain.

You still need to grieve the loss of what you thought she could be or pretended to be.  Who she was might not be real, but it was real enough for you to have to work through your feelings about her.  I don't think you've fully let go of that ideal yet.  Which is ok.  But that's why I think you're still having a hard time.  

Right now, I don't want to see her happy with someone else, because in all honesty, I'm not happy with someone else. I'm not unhappy, but it seems like she was the missing piece of the puzzle for me to have everything I wanted. I know it sounds selfish considering all the good that's taken place in my life recently, however, it's truly how I'm feeling and seeing that picture ripped my heart out today.

You haven't figured out what the calculus is for you to be happy with someone else.  But I assure you, she doesn't have it.  She may have a great recipe for starting relationships.  But so long as she is disorder, she has zero ability to maintain a happy, healthy relationship.  But until you've found a formula that works for you, you're going to miss the closest approximation you've had.  That's going to hurt a bit, but I think its normal. Don't let this hurt motivate you into settling for something that doesn't fully work for you; or worse, something that you know is not going to work but distracts you from the pain.

You're right, I can't imagine her thinking about me because she knows deep down what she did to me was wrong. She knows she hurt me unjustifiably and I don't think she could face that. Or maybe she has.

*Or* she has a disorder that doesn't even allow her to make these considerations.  If she is in the thralls of idealizing your replacement (or even devaluing him), what time does she have to even reflect on what had happened in the past.  When she was with you, how much time/energy were you able observe her really reflecting what happened between her and her past relationships?

Unfortunately, I won't know what the relationship is like one way or another. You may be right, it may be a front. She may be miserable, but who knows? I don't. I could even reason that she was so distraught by me leaving that she is just holding on to this guy because she knows she could never have me again. Of course I don't know if any of that is true, but I could make myself feel better by telling myself that. I just don't want to do that though. I'd rather not think about it.

From what I can tell, you are thinking about what she might be going through, as how you might go through it.  I don't think this helps.  If she is disordered, she's going through it, just as she went through your whole relationship, in a process that was totally different from how you went through it.  Maybe it's not helpful to spend too much time to understand how different it was for her.  But just accept that it was different.  Right now, I don't think you accept that.  And right now I don't think you really accept that she's disordered.

Before our b/u she told me that she didn't want to let me go because she didn't want to lose me forever. Now she has.

Which is "splitting" behavior or black and white thinking: i.e., all in or all out.  Always or never.  This is evidence that she is disordered.

She also mentioned that she didn't want to go back into the dating scene as if her only reason for staying with me was out of convenience. That's when I knew I had to leave. But here I am, 6+ months later and still reeling. She's all smiles with my replacement.

People with BPD, don't form attachments in the same way that non-disordered people do.  When you form a very strong attachment, you *need* to grieve and process that loss.  If we didn't form these kinds of attachments, we (as a species) wouldn't have developed behaviors such as monogamy and marriage.  But this is not the case for people who are disordered, especially if their disorder relates to how they form interpersonal relationships.

She probably finds it easy to hate me to avoid the shame like you said, but for me, no matter how much I want to hate her I can't. I want to feel indifferent. No strong feelings either way. This process is taking too long for someone as normally strong as I am. I feel weak. Today I want to lay down and die. I won't, but that's how strong my feelings are today.

Indifference is a great goal.  But you're not going to get there without first processing all the normal feelings associated with loss.  Some of that might include anger.  How would you react to someone who just loss a family member and they told you, I don't want to think about all the sad/angry things that so-and-so's death makes me feel, I just want to go straight to accepting their death and being at peace with it?  You can't bypass feelings of grief and loss.  The only way past these feelings are to go through them and out the other side.

Nevertheless, things have been pretty good. Then today happens. I find out via social media that my uBPDexgf is still with my replacement whom she overlapped with our relationship. It ruined my day! 

Perhaps you were upset that it seemed like for your uBPDexgf, her love life was still active, while your love life has still to recover.

The reason I am so distraught about this is that when we were dating our recycles would last from 2-4 months. Never longer. During our most recent recycle, she informed me that when she's gotten to around the 3 month mark in her r/s, she usually gets out of it or things go downhill (classic BPD in my opinion). But now she's at almost the 7 month mark with this guy and it is destroying me.

If you read some of the other posts here, you'll find that different pwBPD have different patterns of "unstable and intense interpersonally relationships."  For some people, they fizzle out after a few intense months.  For other people, we're talking about decades of marriage with mortgages and kids.  There are different expressions of this disorder.  Same disorder though.

It has turned my world upside down because now all the evidence I feel I had that would prove she was likely BPD has gone out the window. Her new r/s has lasted and it goes against what I believed that she would eventually do, which is turn into Dr. Jekyll sooner rather than later.

Then... . either you consider other evidence left over from your relationship.  Or else you consider that she was not disordered, which is sounds like what you are doing.

I'm sick. I knew it was over before, but all those feelings of inadequateness and thinking that something is wrong with me have resurfaced. It was so much easier when I thought it was something wrong with her.

Just because something was wrong with her, doesn't mean that there was nothing wrong with you.   And even if nothing is "wrong" with her, doesn't mean it's all on you either.

I'd like to note that I didn't go out and try to find this information it just came into my line of sight because we have mutual friends on social media (I blocked her two weeks after going NC when she was putting up pics of this guy rubbing it in my face). However, once I saw it, I dug deeper and I noticed now that she has me blocked as well. I thought she was indifferent, but in reality, I've been painted black. I'm one of the enemies and that is killing me as well.

Painting black is perhaps a sign that she is devaluing you which is a sign that she is disordered.  Why is this "killing" you?  Unless that part that it is killing is the part that doesn't subscribe to the idea that she is disordered?  Which one is it?  :)o you believe she is disordered, or do you not?  

I don't know what to do with myself I feel like I took a major step back.

Having a lot of chaotic feelings is not necessarily a "major step back."  It's what you do with these feelings that will either set you back or move you forward.  The end goal is to feel indifference, but you don't get there by blocking out feelings about her either.  You whittle away at them, a little at a time.  Always bite, but never more than you can chew.  And *eventually* you'll have nothing to chew on anymore.

I gave this girl everything I had and now we are dead to each other.

You are dead to each other, but how you each handle this death is totally different.

For me though, I think about her every day, she probably doesn't think about me EVER because she's preoccupied with the love of her life.

You think about her every day... . *HOW* do you think about her?

Based on what I saw, it's serious, and for her to get that serious it must be really good and she must be really happy.

Based on what you saw... . and if you were to look at the same kinds of things on other social media, would you not say the same thing about any other relationship on social media.  Based on what she wrote on her social media, at what point from the social media perspective would you say it was obvious that your relationship was not working out?

If I were to read your social media, would I be able to conclude that you were not really happy?  Is social media the best way to make this kind of determination?

I don't wish bad on her in life, but I do hope that she continues to struggle to find love because of all the pain she caused me. I'm sorry for rambling, but this is the only place I feel safe to talk about this anymore. Thank you all for listening.

You want her to struggle to find love, because that is your experience.  That would be fair.  But she is disordered with BPD and you are not.  That is not fair.  I hope some of what I wrote can be helpful to you.  In any case, its perfectly fine for you to vent and express yourself here.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Turkish]

Turkish -

You wrote "It isn't something you lack intrinsically, it's something that you lacked just for that person. Is that idealization on our parts, the believe that love will prevail no matter the odds?"  

In bold, I wonder if it's something I lacked for that person (uBPDexgf) which her new guy has and it isn't dysfunctional. In other words, he was able to save her from her dysfunction the same way I tried to myself. He won. I lost. That's how it feels. Of course I'm not sure of this, but if I lacked the tools necessary to help her and love her the way I always wanted to and she always wanted from me, then I failed in the r/s.

Mine would tell me what to do and how to approach her when she got dysregulated or angry. Though I started to handle the depressions better, she is right in that "I failed." Failed to be a constant validation machine while being verbally and emotionally invalidated at the same time? I "failed" her, but in the end, I stood up for myself, and this triggered the exponential decay of the r/s (along with a few other issues that had nothing whatsoever to do with me). In my mind, I "failed" being myself for so long that I almost forgot who I was. If her narc boy can take it, then more power to him. I refused to debase myself any longer.

As my T told me, "personalities typically don't change." She is who she is. Nothing changed about that. She actually became worse and extremely immature near the end of our 6 years together. She went back to what she was more comfortable with. And since like attracts like, that is why she chose to fall in luv with someone so young, immature for his age, and displaying obvious narc traits. Of course I'm sure he feels good about "stealing" her. Two empty people. Let them do their thing. If it lasts for a while, then of course that will hurt me on some level. I may even have some lingering doubts about "what if I had... . " and those feelings are ok. As long as they center back to me. I don't think of it that I didn't do the best that I could, it's that I didn't do the best that she wanted. Most of what she wanted were desires of a child. That's not what I wanted. So it ended.

What winston's quote says to me is that I/you are not defined by our attachments, former or current. If we define ourselves by them, then the focus is still on them, not us. When we feel more comfortable with being ourselves, then our former attachment starts to fade. It takes time, and that is ok.

[seeking balance]

Seeking Balance -

I see a T and I have focused on the things that I need to work on for myself. I'm still working at them. Seeing this, though, has reminded me how unhappy I truly am in my love life. I could date 100s of women and none seem to compare to my ex. That is something I am exploring with my T.

good for you!

I will share with you what I have come up with having processed all this - I did love my ex, dearly.  There were amazing parts, I liked the "dream" and on paper it was everything I wanted.

Idealized part - I bought into hook, line, sinker

Reality - the dynamic was more like my mother than I care to admit - the

"never enough" button - meet the bar, raise the bar and SB jumped until SB burned out.

Healing that part of my FOO has allowed me to let go of that kind  of love as being healthy... . things will look different next time.  Change is scary, letting a relationship develop into a mature love versus intense, Disney love is my new way of being... . to be honest, it isn't nearly as intense (but much more balanced).

No, I don't know whether there's been any push/pull. I don't know at all. What I do know is that she wasn't willing to work on the r/s with me and even if there's push/pull with this guy, they're still together. It hurts.

If you believe that statement - I honestly know how much that really does hurt.

The facts are this:  he might handle her differently - meaning his natural way of being might validate her emotions, which defuse situations.  I am more of a direct, realist - my personality and I am ok with that - but for a pwBPD (before I learned the skills) I was super invalidating without even knowing it.

Comparing your WORTH to the length of time another person lasts in a relationship with your ex is honestly not going to serve you well.

Rebuilding your worth from within with your T is going to do wonders in relieving that hurt. 

[Turkish]

Before our b/u she told me that she didn't want to let me go because she didn't want to lose me forever. Now she has.

I found something mine wrote to herself back in September. Keep in mind this was only a few months after she started her emotional affair, and a month after the heavy petting stuff started with him, and she had hardly spent much time with the narc boy because she was still sneaking around keeping it from me as we raised our little kids, "each day is one day closer to when we can be together forever."

As Schwing said, evidence of disorder. How could I deal with someone who thinks like this deep down, when less than two years previous, she wrote that "Turkish is The One." Two bfs before me, she also found The One.

The cycle will continue. You may not be aware of it, but count on it. Let it continue away from you.

[DownandOut]

Schwing,

Thank you for taking the time to really assess and help me think about the things I've been saying. I would like to address some of the questions you asked, however, I will do that when I get a chance to really sit down and think about my response.

Seeking Balance,

I totally feel what you're saying about the ex/mother similarities. I get those too. I also think you're right about how he handles her as opposed to how I handled her. We are from different parts of the country, different cultures and that was a source of tension sometimes. The new guy is from her city, from her culture - it may just work smoother and I can't be upset about that. That's human nature.


I've been thinking and I would like to note to everyone that responded that this person who posted had gotten off of social media for the last two months. However, the person, who is a mutual friend of ours, recently reactivated their account in the last week and I know for a fact the picture was changed in the last week. In the past, I've felt that she (my ex) would comment and like some of this person's posts to get my attention. I know that I may have just wanted that to be the case, but the timing of the picture change is kind of odd with all things being considered. Obviously, in my fragile state I would love for that to be the case, but it doesn't matter now. What matters is processing these feelings and getting passed it.

[winston72]

What a wealth of responses!  What a great thread. 

D&O, I won't belabor my response to your question as there is so much already here to digest.  I simply meant, as Turkish highlighted, that how you perceive or imagine her to be living and thinking about you is driving how you feel about yourself.  If she is doing poorly, than you feel good.  If she is happy and doing well, then you are doing poorly.  You do not know what is really happening with her, so it is imagined, and that is an unwise way for you to determine your sense of self.  And, even if you did know how she was doing, it is still an unwise way to determine your sense of self!

Your perception of her views of you and your focus on her state of being are still "centers of gravity" for your own sense of self.  At a minimum, this episode exposes this and gives you the next areas of growth for yourself. 

Among the great insights in this thread for me concerns how we tend to trust our imaginations about the state of being of an ex rather than our experience of the ex.  The comments about relying upon our own direct experience rather that what we see on social media is so succinct, simple and wise... . and yet it is a common theme on these boards that we doubt our own experience if we "think" they have moved on with joy in another relationship. 

[Turkish]

What a wealth of responses!  What a great thread. 

D&O, I won't belabor my response to your question as there is so much already here to digest.  I simply meant, as Turkish highlighted, that how you perceive or imagine her to be living and thinking about you is driving how you feel about yourself.  If she is doing poorly, than you feel good.  If she is happy and doing well, then you are doing poorly. 

I am kind of stuck at this point, waiting for her new r/s to implode. This is not good. So I will admit to her gravity well still drawing my emotions towards it. 

Among the great insights in this thread for me concerns how we tend to trust our imaginations about the state of being of an ex rather than our experience of the ex.  The comments about relying upon our own direct experience rather that what we see on social media is so succinct, simple and wise... . and yet it is a common theme on these boards that we doubt our own experience if we "think" they have moved on with joy in another relationship. 

A good reminder of this is to recall how the BPD r/s evolves. Mine with her lasted 3x longer than her previous ones yet still ended the same (ultimately, even though the circumstances were far different). Despite her being more aware of her issues now, she is still the same person, and is repeating the same unhealthy patterns. The challenge on our side is to break the pattern of ourselves.

[Ironmanrises]

You experienced idealization, devaluation, and discard with her in several rounds. That alone is all the evidence you need to know that he will suffer the same fate. It may be shorter or longer, the outcome will be the same. I too have been replaced, and i don't the length or when it officially started(other then it officially being posted on fb the other day); yet, i know, that guy(unattractive fellow) will undergo the same horror show that i experienced.

[Turkish]

You experienced idealization, devaluation, and discard with her in several rounds. That alone is all the evidence you need to know that he will suffer the same fate. It may be shorter or longer, the outcome will be the same. I too have been replaced, and i don't the length or when it officially started(other then it officially being posted on fb the other day); yet, i know, that guy(unattractive fellow) will undergo the same horror show that i experienced.

You know, I don't think attractiveness has much to do with it. The Love Of Her Life, 2 years before me, was by objective standards, much more attractive than me. When we were having trouble in Year 1, she contacted him. She told me he looked at my MS profile and said he was much better looking than me (typical response of a narc!). Whatever. I gave her two children which pretty much everyone comments how beautiful they are, even strangers. So again, whatever. My uBPDx is very pretty, a mismatch for me, if you were just looking at pictures. She saw in me traits that validated what she wanted at the time (father material, though she tried and tried to get knocked up by the other guy  . It never took).

As you say, no matter what we are, they are still the same. And the outcome will be the same or similar. Even if the r/s "lasts" (and ours lasted 3x longer than any of her others), the internal dynamic still has that one common denominator: BPD.

[Ironmanrises]

You experienced idealization, devaluation, and discard with her in several rounds. That alone is all the evidence you need to know that he will suffer the same fate. It may be shorter or longer, the outcome will be the same. I too have been replaced, and i don't the length or when it officially started(other then it officially being posted on fb the other day); yet, i know, that guy(unattractive fellow) will undergo the same horror show that i experienced.

You know, I don't think attractiveness has much to do with it. The Love Of Her Life, 2 years before me, was by objective standards, much more attractive than me. When we were having trouble in Year 1, she contacted him. She told me he looked at my MS profile and said he was much better looking than me (typical response of a narc!). Whatever. I gave her two children which pretty much everyone comments how beautiful they are, even strangers. So again, whatever. My uBPDx is very pretty, a mismatch for me, if you were just looking at pictures. She saw in me traits that validated what she wanted at the time (father material, though she tried and tried to get knocked up by the other guy  . It never took).

As you say, no matter what we are, they are still the same. And the outcome will be the same or similar. Even if the r/s "lasts" (and ours lasted 3x longer than any of her others), the internal dynamic still has that one common denominator: BPD.

Apologies if this is a thread hijack.

The attractiveness in my case, has something to do with it. From what i remember of my replacement(he was a friend to her long before i entered the picture), he was repeatedly referred as "ugly" by my exUBPDgf. The very fact that she chose him, is because he is supplying her with the constant steady stream of validation she feeds off of. An object. I am betting no one else in the entire time of NC put up with her bullsh¥t. But that unattractive guy was always there, feeding her validation. And since i didnt return(and i wont), well, in her disordered mind, he becomes the perfect target. And bam. He replaces me. And in turn, he will face what i went through.

[Turkish]

You experienced idealization, devaluation, and discard with her in several rounds. That alone is all the evidence you need to know that he will suffer the same fate. It may be shorter or longer, the outcome will be the same. I too have been replaced, and i don't the length or when it officially started(other then it officially being posted on fb the other day); yet, i know, that guy(unattractive fellow) will undergo the same horror show that i experienced.

You know, I don't think attractiveness has much to do with it. The Love Of Her Life, 2 years before me, was by objective standards, much more attractive than me. When we were having trouble in Year 1, she contacted him. She told me he looked at my MS profile and said he was much better looking than me (typical response of a narc!). Whatever. I gave her two children which pretty much everyone comments how beautiful they are, even strangers. So again, whatever. My uBPDx is very pretty, a mismatch for me, if you were just looking at pictures. She saw in me traits that validated what she wanted at the time (father material, though she tried and tried to get knocked up by the other guy  . It never took).

As you say, no matter what we are, they are still the same. And the outcome will be the same or similar. Even if the r/s "lasts" (and ours lasted 3x longer than any of her others), the internal dynamic still has that one common denominator: BPD.

Apologies if this is a thread hijack.

The attractiveness in my case, has something to do with it. From what i remember of my replacement(he was a friend to her long before i entered the picture), he was repeatedly referred as "ugly" by my exUBPDgf. The very fact that she chose him, is because he is supplying her with the constant steady stream of validation she feeds off of. An object. I am betting no one else in the entire time of NC put up with her bullsh¥t. But that unattractive guy was always there, feeding her validation. And since i didnt return(and i wont), well, in her disordered mind, he becomes the perfect target. And bam. He replaces me. And in turn, he will face what i went through.

It could be also her devaluing herself. After The Love of Her Life dumped her, mine hooked up with a guy who literally cat called her on the street. That r/s was short lived. I correctly determined it for what it was (a purposely devaluing r/s), but from what happened, he was likely an NPD. he ended up in jail later on an unrelated matter. They are so foolish... . children trapped in adult bodies.

[DownandOut]

What a wealth of responses!  What a great thread. 

D&O, I won't belabor my response to your question as there is so much already here to digest.  I simply meant, as Turkish highlighted, that how you perceive or imagine her to be living and thinking about you is driving how you feel about yourself.  If she is doing poorly, than you feel good.  If she is happy and doing well, then you are doing poorly.  You do not know what is really happening with her, so it is imagined, and that is an unwise way for you to determine your sense of self.  And, even if you did know how she was doing, it is still an unwise way to determine your sense of self!

Your perception of her views of you and your focus on her state of being are still "centers of gravity" for your own sense of self.  At a minimum, this episode exposes this and gives you the next areas of growth for yourself. 

Among the great insights in this thread for me concerns how we tend to trust our imaginations about the state of being of an ex rather than our experience of the ex.  The comments about relying upon our own direct experience rather that what we see on social media is so succinct, simple and wise... . and yet it is a common theme on these boards that we doubt our own experience if we "think" they have moved on with joy in another relationship. 

Great response! Thanks a lot for that it helped a great deal.

I thought about this whole situation last night and, truthfully, there's nothing I can do about it. To some extent, it's out of my hands and the only thing I can do is keep trucking along in my own life. Whether she's with someone and happy, sad, angry, whatever, it doesn't change anything. I'm here, she's there and we are on two separate paths in life now. I must wave good-bye to my one-time love and the life I thought I would have with her and just have faith that one day I, too, will find the love I thought I had with her. What I saw yesterday may just be a blessing in disguise and I need to continue to look at it like that.

[Paul M]

I feel the same was as you mate.  It's so hard to home to terms with.  One minute they love you the next they are gone with no closure and no remorse .I am on your level.  My ex posted a load of pics on social media all dressed up going out with her friends and when I found out about them I was gutted.  It hurts so much.  And I'm a mans man so strong normally. I want her to get a man so I can tell myself she's just a wrongon she is had news full stop even though it will hurt like hell.  I don't even want a new gf except now and again when the boys are with there partners and it can be lonely.  I'm so confused up one min down the next.  I never knew these types of women existed they are the devils work.  I just keep thinking with time il feel better.  I hope so anyways

[gary seven]

I've read it countless times here and experienced it in my relationship: the primary emotion for a borderline is shame, and if she was to acknowledge you and what went down between you, the feelings of shame would overwhelm her, as do all emotions, so she puts the coping tools to use, just like she always has; you need to be the scumbag, the scapegoat, blaming you soothes the shame, hating you projects her self hatred on you, she feels a little better.  There's nothing for us there.  Think sunsets and string music... .

FHTH:

I really appreciate your insight to the BPD's coping tools.  I have been going down in a recent death spiral as her therapist is out of town this week, she is having "medication side effects,"  her P only communicates via email, and that leaves me as the drum upon which she beats out her rhythm.  Her mantras sting like a pit of vipers, her projectile vomiting of harsh, undeserved criticisms turns my skin to acid.  She constantly asks me "Why  don't you  have anything to say?"  "I am learning not to be stupid and put gas on a fire,"  I say to myself.  My silence kills her.  I try to use the SET each conversation.  Maybe one day, over the rainbow, she'll hear it.  I'll be busy looking for lemon drops.

[dansure]

I must also say: great thread and great responses! Especially schwing. Amazing how much time you took to help and answer. Also, you words are very inspiring.

@DownandOut

I can really feel you. Similar to you, I am also 6 month of NC now and for the most part I am doing well. While she told me one the phone that she is seeing someone else, I am lucky that she is not the kind of person who posts anything of social media, so I have no clue who he is or if they are still even together. However, I assume they still are and just like in your case I think this time it's someone from her own country and own culture (she is Asian, while I am Middle Eastern).

And what haunted me was also the thought that I was the problem, that I it was because of me that our relationship did not work. She actually told me that she used to be a cute and innocent girl and that I bring out the worst in her. However, I started to create a list. A list with all of her unacceptable behaviors which I simply don't want in a relationship. After I finished the list I realized: "Hey dansure... . wait a second. Were you really happy with her? Was that really kind of relationship you were imagining? Did she give you what you need?"... . and that was when I realized that I wasn't really happy with her. I was happy to be with someone, because it seemed better than being single again, but I wasn't happy with this relationship. I don't know what kind of behaviors your ex showed off: but with mine it was impossible to rationally talk about problems or to have fights without a break up. It drove me crazy and it hurt me every time so much when an argument lead to her packing her stuff and starting to delete our pictures. At some point I really just wanted out of it, I knew she was not the girl I thought she was, but as I said, everything seemed better than being single.

But she forced me to be single again. She broke up with me, cut me off and HATES me more than anything. In fact she is even scared of me. However, looking back at the relationship now I simply realize that it wasn't a healthy one.

My ex is not diagnosed and I just assume that she has BPD. So I am not sure if she will eventually treat the new guy the same way... . maybe she does not have BPD and is just ___ up. But it doesn't matter. Even if she is BPD and will eventually abuse her new bf as well it doesn't matter. Maybe he is more tolerant, maybe he is up for a on/off relationship or maybe he doesn't trigger her at all because in a crazy way they just fit.

The ONE AND ONLY thing that matters is that my ex didn't make me happy and for the last few month of the relationship I would have been simply lying if I told anyone "I am very happy with my girlfriend". I wasn't. I never would be happy with her. BPD or not, we don't fit. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, otherwise I wouldn't think she is crazy. So if they are happy together let them be. Just because he is up for her crazy behaviors, it doesn't matter that he is better than you in anyway.

I know you are single and it feels lonely, especially knowing that she is with someone else now. But if being single means you are open to meet a girl that can actually give you happiness, beyond the honeymoon stage than it's worth it. Just look at some happy couples that are dating for several years and are simply happy together. Every couple fights, but they talk about it, solve their problems and grow from it. That is something I pursue as well and that is something you should pursue too, rather than comparing yourself to some other guy that she is dating now!