Three flavors of abuse

[blondie34]

Emotional, mental and physical... .

How do you combat all three?

When is it no longer the BPD and just them being cruel consciously attempting to hurt you?

I can't sit silent as that just enrages her more. I can't be calm as that just enrages her more. I can't raise my voice as that just enrages her more and I can't walk away when my own blood starts to boil and take a time out because that just enrages her more.

I am aware that there are many workshops and tools on this site to assist, but my problem is, I can't read it, understand it and apply it. I am not that kind of learner, I am more hands on and need be shown the steps and walked through them.

I feel incredibly lost, beat up and broken.

Time and time again, I have made the decision to stay even though... . for self preservation reasons, I know I should go. I know you have to be incredibly strong willed and mentally tough to survive and be in a BPD relationship, I just had no  idea how strong a person needed to be.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GopherAgent]

blondie34... .

May I help with a perspective about your comments to help you see things from someone else's experience.

It is interesting to me that in your second sentence of your post you say "How do you combat all three?"

Notice that I highlighted the word "combat." May I suggest this... . That the term combat used here is an action you use to deal with the emotional, mental and physical manifestations of the BPD you are dealing with. I think that as long as you continue to "combat" these things in your relationship you will continue to experience the frustrations of not being heard or understood by your SO.

In other words... . You must not view and respond to the BPD as something you must "engage" in, or combat. Realize that you can not control the BPD as it happens or control how he responds to you. Continue to surf this site and you will see people dealing with the very same things here that you are experiencing... . That is... . "How do I get this person to see why I am trying to say or do to understand and love them." You can't. You are trying to "combat" the effects from the other person who is totally unaware that there is a fight going on here and you are the one ending up defeated and frustrated that they don't get it. Don't forget... . BPD is a communications disorder and as such, the person with BPD is totally unaware that this is happening. After years of dealing with this matter the wrong way, I can tell you that they are clueless that they do this. They think there is something wrong with everyone else but them.

Secondly, you say... . your silence enrages her more... . a raised voice, the time outs, every thing you seem to try enrages her more. Why? It's part of their response to the triggers and stress of it all. In other words... . their responses are theirs alone and they will respond this way to every situation. There is nothing you can do, that is, combat this. So, accept that this is not about you and your responses to them and the situation doesn't change them.

Now... . for your hands on part. Take a deep breath and hold it. As you hold your breath... . say to yourself "This (BPD) will not defeat me or define me. I am healing and getting stronger knowing I have value and worth to just me alone!" Now... . Exhale and Relax. Start right now to take care of yourself.

Thanks... . GopherAgent

[waverider]

I can't walk away when my own blood starts to boil and take a time out because that just enrages her more.

That is not your problem if you are not there. She wants you to be there so she can rage at you.

So there are two reasons to not be there

1. protect yourself from abuse

2  Hopefully her need for you to be there will win over her need to abuse you. If that doesn't work, back to point 1

But you need to remove yourself early, and consistently.

I can't stress enough how important your consistency is in dealing with BPD behavior

As GopherAgent states, this is not about combat or winning. It is engagement they desire so they can pass their anger on (or share it with you). This is how they soothe, you need to leave them to self soothe.

Abuse is simply the targeted actions used to cause you harm or discomfort, regardless whether physical or emotional. It is unreasonable and you are not obliged to endure it. Fighting it just validates it and escalates it.

[blondie34]

Thank you both for your responses.

I do my best not to engage her, as I know that she is seeking a response. However, I still get defensive when I know I shouldn't, so I fail more often than I succeed unfortunately.

I guess what I need help with is when the situation escalates very quickly and I don't have time to remove myself and let her self soothe and the physical abuse is on the cusp, how can I deescalate and disengage safely?

[Grey Kitty]

how can I deescalate and disengage safely?

You can't do both at the same time. Sortof like somebody said you cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.

In addition, you have no control over whether she escalates or deescalates. (And in my experience, you probably have very little influence to even push her toward deescalation.)

Disengaging safely (for yourself)... . that is within your power, and she has (almost) no way to stop you from doing that.

If she is physically blocking you from leaving in some way, there are steps you can take for that... . but if not, all you need to do is decide that you are safer letting your blood simmer for a bit while you are apart from  her.

And remember--this is a process for you--you are learning how to better cope. It took all of us a while to get through it.

[readytogo]

Your comments are great. I, like you, have disengaged from the heated conversation by leaving the room ,except, that my wBPD follows me keeping up the tirade.

I find just closing a door between us does work and the tirade peters out after a short while.

This forum is all new to me but pleased to be able to contribute

[waverider]

It takes a while to start recognizing signs in time, and to not rise to the bait. It does get easier  with practice. At first nothing seems to work, don't give up, and don't berate yourself for messing up at times.

[Surrender]

Emotional, mental and physical... .

I am aware that there are many workshops and tools on this site to assist, but my problem is, I can't read it, understand it and apply it. I am not that kind of learner, I am more hands on and need be shown the steps and walked through them.

I feel incredibly lost, beat up and broken.

Time and time again, I have made the decision to stay even though... . for self preservation reasons, I know I should go. I know you have to be incredibly strong willed and mentally tough to survive and be in a BPD relationship, I just had no  idea how strong a person needed to be.

WOW Blondie I could have written every single word you wrote as I'm feeling literally exactly the same. I have been in a very dark place trying to process everything these past few months in light of loving my diagnosed partner. As of recently I have been asking myself this:

-Do I like my partner as a person?

-Do I love only the nice one and hate the monster one?

-Is there truly 'a him' to love or is the part of him that is the one I fell in love with who is only present maybe 30% the real person or is he the dream?

-Is there truly 'a him' to love or is the part of him that is the one I fell in love with who is only present maybe 30% enough for me to stay. The question I ask here is if loving 30% of him is enough and even real?

-Is he mostly a monster to me or is he mostly the beautiful man I love?

-Can I continue to live feeling so utterly abused and yet being blamed for it all?

He has actually said to me that if I had just not done 'what ever' he would not have to punish me and be so punitive with me. That he resented that I drove him to have to be like that. I think after my 3 years with my partner I am suffer PTSD quite severely and it has literally affected every area of my life to the point where I can't even concentrate on anything other than this obsession with trying to learn as much as I can about him and his disorder and why I find myself in the center of it all.

I too don't know how much more I can take because I am walking on landmines not eggshells, eggshells would be welcomed at this point. I have never seen anyone with such a severe dichotomy of love and utter hateful rancid rage.

We are in the same boat and I absolutely understand why we are still struggling with staying and yet at the same time I am scared that we haven't run. I feel like a drug addict who is enmeshed so deeply that I can't pry myself away even though I am seeing all the blaring signs screaming for me to run and never look back.

I know he will never make me happy and the 30% can't possibly be the real part... . therefore deductively speaking the 70% has to be what is the reality.

I'm still fighting myself even though I see it plain as day. I'm still trying to find reasons to stay and not leave him but I think I'm screwing up big time too by not understanding how to apply all these things and not catching when I need to back off. I feel like I'm not getting any of it right and I just continue to exacerbate the triggers with him. He tells me that he is getting tired of my issues and how I am constantly triggering him and honestly I can't even see clearly enough to know what is what anymore.

I apologize if my use of the word 'monster' offends anyone but the reality is that when my partner is triggered or dysregulated he becomes hostile, selfish, cruel, mean, arrogant, angry, splitting, punishing, masochistic in his emotional and verbal abuse, narcissistic, entitled and the ugliest person I've ever known. It is like he turns into a demon and lashes out with such fury and hate that you feel utterly vivisected and tortured. The hate that pours out of him and the accusations, criticisms and judgements are so brutal that it is near impossible to not take it personally as he says.

[waverider]

The realization you are having is that it is very likely you fell for a facade. Once that facade is exposed, which learning about BPD does, it can't be reconstructed. That 30% in itself feels to you as being of lesser value.

How to get past this? You have to stop trying recreate what you thought you were getting into, and rebuilt a complete new RS structure based on what you actually have.

This is not easy. As it is hard to not feel cheated, not only of your dreams, but for many of the years wasted in the darkness of not knowing what was going on.

If you can get past this it does bring about a new appreciation for life and a born again type of attitude.

[HealingForMe]

I'm like you, I find all these BPD techniques very difficult but there are a few that are pretty easy & very effective

IMO you need to set clearly defined boundaries AND enforce them every time.

When she starts raging at you, say "I will not talk with you while you are angry, when you calm down I will be happy to discuss this" then walk away. Dont ever let her draw you into a heated argument as that will reinforce this bad behaviour.

When it comes time to communicate, try SET:

Support: "I love you & want to help you"

Empathy: "I understand you're going through a lot right now & you're feeling hurt"

Truth: "It would help if we can talk calmly without either of us blaming anyone"

I'm not very good at this, so there's more here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.msg0;boardseen#new

Dont try to learn too many techniques. If you can master boundaries & SET, you'll be well on your way 

[nanc]

Blondie34:

boundaries & SET are working great. It is not very hard to learn, but you have to push yourself to do it. At least, that is my experience.

I started with refusing to let myself get into a discussion. Because whenever a discussion starts it will get out of hand. Be aware of the state of mind your partner is in and then decide to get out of the discussion immediately. Don't let it even start in the first place. Just say you won't get into this discussion right now and then walk away. But be aware... they will try to get you into it for a while untill they realise it is not working. At that point it is really up to you to maintain your boundary. If you do succeed, it will get easier for the both of you.  

Good luck!  

[Olinda]

I started with refusing to let myself get into a discussion. Because whenever a discussion starts it will get out of hand. Be aware of the state of mind your partner is in and then decide to get out of the discussion immediately. Don't let it even start in the first place. Just say you won't get into this discussion right now and then walk away. But be aware... they will try to get you into it for a while untill they realise it is not working. At that point it is really up to you to maintain your boundary. If you do succeed, it will get easier for the both of you.  

What do you say other than 'I won't get into this discussion right now'? Again I have issues with wanting her to approve of my setting of limits.  If I say this it starts the increase in 'hooks'.  Day before yesterday it started with her loudness, accusations and finally 'f&*^ you' and her leaving and slamming the door. I want to avoid this when my children are around.  How do I set a  boundary around what I will accept for her reaction?

This is so hard... .

[nanc]

Olinda: what you are describing is the hardest part. I don't have children, so for me it is relatively easy. The first time I did this was the hardest. They will fight with everything they have in order to drag you into the discussion again. And yes... this is so hard! But please... don't get into some kind of reaction. If that is hard, leave the room or the house if that is possible before she does. But don't give in! As soon as she starts to realise that that is your boundary she will listen to you more and more. And after a while it will get easier for the both of you.

I asked my SO why this was working. And he told me that he need that boundary. He needs to see that I am keeping my word and will not get into that kind of discussions. For some odd reason it gives him more peace of mind. He knows that there is no reason for pushing anymore, because it won't work. And that is all he needs to know.

But yes, they will fight in the beginning. With slamming doors and yelling and accusations. At least, that is my personal experience. Hopefully you can find a way to deal with it while your children are around. 

[waverider]

Boundary enforcement will create a reaction, if you cave, it will create intermittent reinforcement. That is it will show them if they pressure you enough you will cave. The result is it gets worse not better. Stay firm and consistent and the reaction will increase until realization sets in you will not cave.

If you cave to keep the peace in from of kids etc, she will escalate more in front of kids as that is when you have taught her you will cave.

It is not easy, removal from the scene is often needed to minimize collateral damage.

[Lilibeth]

I gained a lot from being here. This weekend has been a very difficult one, and i'm feeling totally drained. Waverider, these words have given me faith because this is exactly what i needed to hear this morning: 'You have to rebuild a complete new RS structure based on what you actually have. This is not easy. As it is hard to not feel cheated, not only of your dreams, but for many of the years wasted in the darkness of not knowing what was going on. If you can get past this it does bring about a new appreciation for life and a born again type of attitude.' After yesterday i really felt so many years had been wasted - of course now i know what to do, but in front of me is only a darkness... . of course i am learning from here how to reconstruct my life, and am trying to do that, but I did get a start when i looked ahead... .

[Grey Kitty]

Again I have issues with wanting her to approve of my setting of limits.

Doesn't work that way. If she must approve, they are her limits not yours.

The boundaries you enforce are specifically to prevent you from being subjected to behavior that she is choosing to inflict on you. As waverider said, you will get a reaction.

Look at it from her situation: She has feelings that she can't cope with... . and her coping technique involves taking crap out on you. If you remove that option from her by enforcing a boundary... . she is now stuck with the crap she doesn't know how to deal with. Of course this is unpleasant and uncomfortable for her!

[HealingForMe]

of course i am learning from here how to reconstruct my life, and am trying to do that, but I did get a start when i looked ahead... .

Thats great. Its a process, take it one step at a time & stay strong

[Lilibeth]

Thank you NachaLuva. Thank you so much.