I was doing pretty well... and now I want her back in the worst way

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been a very hard week.  I had been doing fairly well lately.  I really had.  And then something changed this week.  I thought I had accepted that my uBPDxgf and I were never going to be together again.   That I needed to focus on myself and my healing from the trauma of her abandonment.  I have been realizing that I had a significant role in feeding the dysfunction of our relationship due to my codependence, my own deep fears of abandonment, and my own mental health issues.  I had vowed to let her go her own way - that I wasn't going to chase her anymore.  I had felt like I had begun to detach.  But now she's back in my thoughts in the worst way.  She's always on my mind - that's not new, but the intensity of the emotions it's stirring is back with a vengeance.   I can't sleep.  I can't think.  I'm getting tied in knots again.  And I can't seem to shut it off.

I want her back.  I want her back in the worst way.  It's just burning in my heart.  I keep thinking that maybe now that I have a better understanding of what's going on, maybe things could work out between us.  I didn't even know what BPD was two months ago.  I had no idea why my ex was behaving the way she was.  I keep wondering if knowing what's going on, and how to deal with it, would have changed anything.  It's driving me mad!  The things that keep resounding in my head are her telling me she still loves me.  That her leaving isn't because of anything I did or didn't do.  That she really has to focus on herself now and getting better.  That she's sorry she hurt me so much.  I know she's looking for answers just as I am.  I know she knows that she has these emotions that she can't control and has no idea what to do with them.  She's clearly aware that she has a problem and she's looking for help.  I haven't heard from her since that night.  I've tried to contact her a few times, but have received nothing in response.   The silence has been deafening.  And crushing.

Guys, I don't know what to do.  This is just eating me alive again.  I feel like I've lost all my progress.  Maybe I'm on the wrong board.  Maybe I'm really undecided.  And yet, I don't even know if reconciling with my ex is an option.   Her silence has been profound and has been for months.  I could really use some good advice right now.  I know I'm not thinking clearly.  I know I'm getting all twisted up again.  I just don't know what to do.

[cosmonaut]

It's been a very hard week.  I had been doing fairly well lately.  I really had.  And then something changed this week.  I thought I had accepted that my uBPDxgf and I were never going to be together again.   That I needed to focus on myself and my healing from the trauma of her abandonment.  I have been realizing that I had a significant role in feeding the dysfunction of our relationship due to my codependence, my own deep fears of abandonment, and my own mental health issues.  I had vowed to let her go her own way - that I wasn't going to chase her anymore.  I had felt like I had begun to detach.  But now she's back in my thoughts in the worst way.  She's always on my mind - that's not new, but the intensity of the emotions it's stirring is back with a vengeance.   I can't sleep.  I can't think.  I'm getting tied in knots again.  And I can't seem to shut it off.

I want her back.  I want her back in the worst way.  It's just burning in my heart.  I keep thinking that maybe now that I have a better understanding of what's going on, maybe things could work out between us.  I didn't even know what BPD was two months ago.  I had no idea why my ex was behaving the way she was.  I keep wondering if knowing what's going on, and how to deal with it, would have changed anything.  It's driving me mad!  The things that keep resounding in my head are her telling me she still loves me.  That her leaving isn't because of anything I did or didn't do.  That she really has to focus on herself now and getting better.  That she's sorry she hurt me so much.  I know she's looking for answers just as I am.  I know she knows that she has these emotions that she can't control and has no idea what to do with them.  She's clearly aware that she has a problem and she's looking for help.  I haven't heard from her since that night.  I've tried to contact her a few times, but have received nothing in response.   The silence has been deafening.  And crushing.

Guys, I don't know what to do.  This is just eating me alive again.  I feel like I've lost all my progress.  Maybe I'm on the wrong board.  Maybe I'm really undecided.  And yet, I don't even know if reconciling with my ex is an option.   Her silence has been profound and has been for months.  I could really use some good advice right now.  I know I'm not thinking clearly.  I know I'm getting all twisted up again.  I just don't know what to do.

[MissTajo]

I'm so sorry that you are going trough this. 

How long have you been separated?

When you mentioned your own mental health , what were you talking about?

You have to think about two things:

Where you more happy with her than without her?

Has she moved on? (its has been a few months from what I understand and most BPD's find a new partner weeks or even days after a breakup (sorry) )

[In_n_Out]

I have zero advice for you but I can tell you how much I relate(d) to your story.

I was getting through it, moving on.  I had been painted black and had been NC with mine for 30 days (since her birthday and a "flower" incident).  She has a replacement that she started seeing immediately after our r/s ended (probably started during actually).  We had one recycle around Christmas where she professed her love and that she always loved me, she's "torn", bladda blah blah.  Then the January incident and I blew up with some text messages to her that were just invalidating enough to get painted black.

So 30 days NC and then she bumps in to a friend of mine with tears in her eyes and is asking about how I'm doing and gives him a note to give to me and long story short, now we've been "recycling" for over a week.  Not intimate; she tells me how much she loves me, always loved me, can't love him because she loves me... . won't kiss me because that wouldn't be fair to him, but she can see me every night and tell me that she loves me.  My tells me that they fight all the time and that he doesn't understand her like I do (she is dBPD and I've done my homework) but he has a house (that she doesn't really care for but it's HIS house outright) and he wants to take her on a cruise with his parents (we're talking 40 yr old here) and she's gotten herself "stuck" because this guy is the son of a co-worker of hers and she would be in a bad spot at work if she left him because everybody is planning on an eventual wedding (she supposedly declined his marriage proposal in January around her birthday).  On and on and on.

So long story short for me is, I started missing mine and she found a way to find me just as I was my weakest and now we are stuck in this triangulation that frankly, I don't know will end in my favor.  Would I allow it to happen again if I could otherwise prevent it (like not opening that letter that she gave my buddy that was so sweet)?  No, probably not because she has her hooks in me big time.  EVERY friend that I have is almost to the point of being pissed that I'm even talking to her (actually, one is very pissed).  So the smart thing would be to get out now, go through all the heartache all over again and then try and move on but I'm sucked in and stuck.  I'm actually going to start my own thread because I could use some advice on this - as obvious as the answer may seem to everybody (myself included).

Good luck to you, I'd be curious to see how your story turns out!

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, MissTajo.  I appreciate your support.  I'm just so confused right now.

We've been separated for about two months.  There was a long period of many months before that where my ex was very silent with me and we didn't speak much and very rarely saw each other.  I didn't know what to make of it at the time.  I now am all but certain she's feeling engulfed.  She can engage in splitting, but I don't feel that she has painted me completely black.  I haven't gotten that feeling from anything she's said.  I think she just can't handle the closeness and intimacy of the relationship.

I have my own mental health problems.  I have bipolar disorder, anxiety issues, past addiction issues, and more.  I am painfully aware of my own issues and I know that they contributed to dysfunction with my ex.  I'm not the easiest person to be with, probably doubly so if your partner is a pwBPD.  I have mood swings.  I can be impatient.  I can be clingy.  I can be jealous.  I can be angry.  It's all stuff I'm trying to work on, and, honestly, I've made huge progress over the last few years.

I don't completely know the answer to your question about whether I was happier with her or without her.  There were times I was more happy than I've ever been in my entire life with her.  I was (and remain) madly in love with her.  There were also really difficult times.  Very confusing times.  I didn't at the time understand the silence and the pulling away.  I didn't understand how she could do that to someone she said she loved with all her heart.  That was her soulmate.  She knew I had problems and she seemed to love me in spite of them.  She told me she would never give up on me - and then she did.  And that's been the lowest point of all - the aftermath.  Her having left has been misery.  It's like everything has died and all the color has drained from the world.  Nothing feels right anymore.  Everything feels wrong.  I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone.  I've never known anything like it.  It's like I have lost a part of me.

I don't think she's seeing anyone else.  I can't be sure, but I don't think she is.  She can be a hermit.  She can just shut herself off from the world where she feels safe, and I'm starting to suspect where she feels like she can't hurt anyone else.  I asked her point blank if there was anyone else and she said no.  She sounded sincere.  But, ultimately, I can't be sure.  We have had no contact.

[MissTajo]

I have my own mental health problems.  I have bipolar disorder, anxiety issues, past addiction issues, and more.  I am painfully aware of my own issues and I know that they contributed to dysfunction with my ex.  

Bipolar and BPD can be quite alike in some aspects and that can really create a turmoil when two people , each with their own disease, get together and fall in love. I really hope you are medicated and seeing a therapist so your quality of life is better. Did she know she had BPD? If she did, was she medicated, in therapy... . ?

I know you love her, its easy to tell your sincere when you say so, but have you considered taking care of yourself first?

Maybe you can contact her some way and you can both talk about this. 

[cosmonaut]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation with your ex, In_n_Out.  What a maddening situation!  I can't imagine how you must feel to be in that triangle.  That's sort of the ultimate push/pull, isn't it?  :)o you know what you are going to do?  Are you going to keep trying to work things out with her?  It's just so crazy, isn't it?  To have someone tell you, with such sincerity, that they love you and will always love you.  That you are the love of their life.  And then just run off (maybe even with someone else).

I feel you, man.  Hang in there.  Keep posting and I'll do the same.

[cosmonaut]

Yes, I'm in therapy on medications.  I know I need that and am especially glad I have those currently.

No, my ex doesn't know about the BPD.  I don't even think she knows about it.  I didn't until after the breakup when I started searching for answers to what was happening.  I talked it over with my therapist and she agrees that while she can't diagnose someone from a distance there are definitely BPD traits.  The more I've read, the more convinced I've become that this is the fundamental problem with my ex.  I'm struggling with what to do with this now.  And what it might mean for a future to our relationship.   She is on medications not currently in therapy.  She has been in therapy at times, but has never been able to stick with it.  We've always been working under the assumption that she has PTSD and some unknown type of mood disorder.  I really believe that the problem is that she can't work on anything in therapy until she can learn to better regulate her emotions.  She's not going to be able to do anything until that is in place.  She needs something like DBT.  CBT has not been productive, because she can't process things rationally while she's still overwhelmed by the emotion.

I'm trying to take care of myself.  I'd been doing pretty good until this past week.

I'm considering reaching out to my ex again.  I'd swore I wouldn't do that, that I was going to let her go and move on.  Now, I'm really not so sure.  I don't know what I want to do... .

[MissTajo]

Yes, I'm in therapy on medications.  I know I need that and am especially glad I have those currently.

(... . )

I'm considering reaching out to my ex again.  I'd swore I wouldn't do that, that I was going to let her go and move on.  Now, I'm really not so sure.  I don't know what I want to do... .

It's good, very good, that you are taking care of yourself.

The basis of a good healthy r/s is, in my opinion, a faithfull friendship. Why not start there? Reach out to her, tell her your suspicions on her illness, sugest that she could talk to a therapist for a proper diagnoses.  Medication can be adapt to her. Grow from there... . To love a person is also to take care of the friendship between them. Its just my way of seeing things.

I often tell my bf: Before I was you gf or even consider of being your gf, I was your friend. And as a friend I say things that might hurt you but its out of love and honesty and we should talk about them.

He appreciates the honesty (most of the time ) and we keep our friendship sane.

Talk to her about this. 

[Tolou]

Cos-

sounds like your going through a lot of difficult emotions right now with this loss of someone who you truley care for.

a few things to ask yourself can be... . How would I handle it if I lost her all over again? How devastated would you be then?  If she is not in therapy, and you are correct about her having BPD? How will she improve her thoughts, behaviors etc... . You can't be her therapist (not saying you were trying to).  What is your motivation for going back to her? Do you not think that you find a healthier relationship?  Sometimes, therapist diagnosis their patients with ptsd, because it is less stigmatizing than being labled with BPD, it can have a negative impact on their recovery sometimes.  Some clinitians actually beleive BPD to be a severe for form of chronic ptsd, especially when there was trauma involved.

You have to be careful, you need to be in sound place before you can be in healthy relationship, with anyone.  If their is co-dependence it make things worse for you in the long wrong.  Healthy relationships develop when two independent people, become inter-dependent with one another.  No one can tell you what to do, we can all give you food for thought.  But don't act on desperation or hopelessness, because that will be unfair for both of you.  To get back into a realtionship with so many mixed feelings and confusion and guilt and shame etc... . Take step back, neither of you define each other, nor are you responsible for her, or her for you, in terms of happiness.  These relationships are heart-wrenching because ina short-period of time there a significant attachment made and so much shared "idealization", however, as you see that didn't last long... . Because it wasn't coming from a person with maturation to understand the true meaning of those promises and hopes.  It came from a person who is most likely under-developed in some ways emotionally/mentally, almost a a child-like view of the world with some of these persons with BPD.  And when they get irrational, there is no reasoning, because once a tantrum is being thrown, your not talking to the same person who you thought you(not in that moment): And that's where therapy is vital.  If they are not working on themselves actively with good support, they retreat to their mal-adaptive behaviors, way of thinking, defense-mechanisms and etc... . I hope this was of some help, it is just food for thought.  Love is great, love is beautiful and powerful and everyone deserves it... . but it should be equal and shared, not one sided, or manipulated, or toyed with, pushed, and pulled etc... . Love is not something that needs constant reassurance, testing someone limits, boudaries etcc... . because your (their) insecurities.  Remember this is just food for thought, if doesn't apply, let it fly.

[pintweaks]

Cosmonaut,

I'm a 35 year old male who has been in an on/off relationship with a BPD female for 4 years. In 2010, before I had any clue that she had BPD, I ended our relationship and she moved back home across the country. I saw the red flags then, but about 6 months later, I ignored them altogether. The pain, the loneliness, and her classic way of clinging on led me to try to work it out again. I really made a full commitment to make it work... . I completely reshaped my demeanor, I tried to be less of a cynic, I took her and her kids to Disney World on my dime, and I promised her the world. She moved back in in mid-2011, and within 3 months, dishes, coffee mugs and fists were being thrown at my head. The situation is impossible.

As BPDs tend to do, she will not leave under her own volition. I made it clear over a year ago that I don't want to live in this volatile situation anymore because it was quite literally killing me. The panic and anxiety attacks I started to get when she would start to use that violent tone of voice were unbearable.

But she won't leave on her own... . simple as that. Typically when you want someone to leave your life, you depend on that person's sense of civility and responsibility to get themselves out of an unwelcome environment. Not BPDs. They will endure through the misery; besides, they experienced that most of the time during their childhood. If anything, chaos and drama is their state of normalcy. And I lack the gumption to call the police on her, or do anything more dire. I am now forced to move out of my home and break all ties with her because I have no other choice.

I say all of this because I deeply regret giving up on the mourning process. I couldn't stand the loneliness, so I gave in and went back to her. I didn't see that if it didn't work the first time, why should it work a second time? I've lost thousands of dollars supporting her, I've lost a lot of time, a lot of hair, and probably caused permanent damage to my cardiovascular system from all the internalized stress of living with such a violent, chaotic person.

So I tell you this - don't give up on the grieving. Get through the pain (I know it can feel like absolute hell). Work on You. And, god, I hate to sound so cliché, but there are indeed GAZILLIONS of fish in the sea. When the right person comes along, you will know, and this hell you're going through now will only help you see who's right for you more clearly.

My 2¢

[cosmonaut]

Thanks for the advice, guys.  I have a lot to think about, and I don't want to make a rash decision.  I feel extremely torn - my head is telling me it is probably best to just move on, but my heart really wants to know if my ex and I could work things out.  I really do love her.  I know life with her won't ever be a bed of roses, but maybe that's what you do when you love someone - you love them in the good times as well as the bad.

I hear you guys about the risks involved and the potential pitfalls if she is not willing to work on her recovery.  I wouldn't restart a relationship with her if she wasn't willing to seriously work on her issues.  We already know where that road ends, and your point is very well taken Tolou - I don't know how I would deal with having to do this over again.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are trapped in, pintweaks.  That sounds miserable, indeed.  I hope you can get out and cut your SO loose.  I feel you about how much you gave to your SO and how it wasn't appreciated - at least not in the end.  I also gave way more than I probably should have to my ex.  I took on all of her problems.  I thought that's what you do when you love someone.  I know that I have some major codependency issues that I have to resolve.

Thanks guys.  I really needed your support.  My emotions have been all over the map the past few days.  I need to get centered again.  It's been so great to have this forum with all of you who understand just what this is like.

[In_n_Out]

Go read my thread that I just concluded (R/S advice, BPD style) and heed my warning.  RUN, don't walk... . as fast as you can.  It may hurt right now but you will save yourself lots and lots of grief if you just cut it off now.  Make sure that there is no way that she can get a hold of you because if she is able to slip in a note, a text, an email, a call, you will cave in like a sand castle on a flooded beach.  I made that mistake (after blocking her and being NC for 30+ days, she slipped in a handwritten note that I should of never read) and now I'm paying for it.  It is not worth it!

[cosmonaut]

I'm really sorry, In_n_Out.  It certainly makes me feel less enthusiastic about trying anything with my ex.  It just sucks.  This is so completely crazy.  Being in love with someone who can't love you back.  Thanks for sharing your experience, painful as it is.  It's definitely bringing me back down to Earth.

[allinasmile]

It's not love the BPD feels for anyone. Its their constant search for someone to feel their empty souls.  They only want you for what you can do for them. They have nothing to give you, and it is nothing about you as a person  They are are fear based people.  That is not the love we want. BPD's have a way of feeding "us, the giving people" a recipe for failure. Leave now. NC. Go underground. It will get get better, slowly.  You need to choose life, oh yes they keep us from living, unless its about them. Push yourself into reconnecting with friends your career and volunteering if you choose.  It helps you think less of them. What your missing is not what they contributed to your life I believe it's something we are seeking within ourselves.

[cosmonaut]

So, after thinking and thinking about it, I decided to reach out and I called her last night.  I didn't get an answer, of course.  I left a voicemail asking how she was doing and said that I understand that she feels she needs to be alone to work on herself and I do too.  That I miss her and think of her constantly and I hope we will be able to talk again at some point.  I haven't heard a thing.  I don't think that I will.

So, I guess that has sort of made the decision for me.  I need to detach and move on.  It's just not ever going to happen with us.  I'm feeling rather foolish about reaching out, but I think I needed to try.  I needed to know if things could be different.  If knowing about BPD and validation and setting boundaries - if that could change things.  It was always a long shot.

Anyway, staying on the leaving board.  Time to focus on me.  Moving on... .

[Pecator]

Good for you cos

You are on the right path. There is no guarantee it gets easier, but this community will be with you.

I hope I can follow you soon. Just can't seem to get there.

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, Pecator.  I'm feeling very fired up about detaching from her.  The trick will be sticking with it.  As this thread attests - that's going to be hard for me.  I appreciate your support.  This board is great!

You can detach too.  Have you gone NC yet?  That seems to be the first step.