How to respond or not to respond? Please help.

[wishfulthinking]

seeking balance,

Yes, you understand correctly.

Skip, I will let it go right now, but I'm not sure what to say if he tries to act like nothing happened.  Right now, he texting about how I think he's so horrible, I'm not responding.  He always chooses to leave out his violence and abuse when he tries the pity party guilt trip.  He never includes the stuff I actually get mad about, like the screaming, pushing, not letting me leave a room, the horrible things he says... . etc.

His text: We will just leave it at this... . its 100% my fault, you dont do any wrong, im a user, a liar, unfaitful, treat you like crap, never let you talk, dont care about your feelings at all, only look after myself and only my needs, a bad step father, and horrible partner... . there, i think ive covered all of your opinions about me. Ill leave you alone now. Sorry you feel that way. And whats really sad, and hurtful, is that you think thats all i am. OH, i forgot, my wonderful mom, dad, brother, and the mother of my kids... . i treat them all the same. Thanks Wife. So i guess that means i fail at everything huh? Love you to. I get off at 5:30.

[wishfulthinking]

I have no proof of the assault and the last time police were called, he tried to say I assaulted him, which was 100% untrue.  Luckily, the police actually stood outside the bedroom window and listened for a minute while the dispatch lady heard everything going on, because he didn't know the phone got dialed.  That was my only proof.  He even hit himself in the face to make it look like I hit him. 

Today, I am sure I want to end things, tomorrow, who knows... . I hate love.

[Skip]

Today, I am sure I want to end things, tomorrow, who knows... . I hate love.

That's right... . there is a lot of emotion right now.  Admit that you have a role in todays conflict (you do, you both do) and call a truce.

You can chat with us about about future options when this cools.   There is clearly a cycle of conflict and you are both triggering on events and then dragging a long history of frustration into the fight.

[wishfulthinking]

Yes, Skip.  Today I let my anger get the better of me.  That is my fault.  No excuses, I'm just not sure I can take much more.  I feel that line getting closer and my tolerance less and less.  I just want to cry right now.  I truly hate my life about half and half now.  Before it was 70-30, now it's 50-50.  I'm tired of shutting up and not mattering.  I'm tired of the name calling.  I'm tired of the abuse.  I'm tired.  I know I'm a broken record now.  It fits because I just feel broken.  I'll try to do better today.  I'll have to be fake to do it, I'm selling myself out AGAIN.

[Skip]

I'll try to do better today.  I'll have to be fake to do it, I'm selling myself out AGAIN.

Strategic retreat.  Its smart.  You aren't selling out - you're showing strength and emotional maturity.  Be proud.

Yes, Skip.  Today I let my anger get the better of me.  That is my fault.  No excuses, I'm just not sure I can take much more.  I feel that line getting closer and my tolerance less and less.  I just want to cry right now.  I truly hate my life about half and half now.  Before it was 70-30, now it's 50-50.  I'm tired of shutting up and not mattering.  I'm tired of the name calling.  I'm tired of the abuse.  I'm tired.  I know I'm a broken record now.  It fits because I just feel broken.

Get to a calm safe place and lets talk it through.  Bring that same strength to this discussion.  Getting to a healthy place with him or without is going to take work.

There was a discussion earlier here about safety planning and boundaries.  Getting the family involved is often important.  There are many things you can do - but it all takes planing and working it.

It's time to start that (tomorrow). 

[seeking balance]

I agree with Skip - first things first, getting yourself in a calmer place and a safer emotional place for you both takes real maturity... . it's ok to know you have had enough and take a break - that is not selling out, that is showing grace.

Hang in there - I do remember the days where I honestly didn't know which one of us was crazy as the cycle of conflict became ridiculous - very aptly my T asked me, "SB, do you want to be happy or do you want to be right".

Baby steps - make a plan for the next 24 to 48 hours so you can gain some balance.

Peace,

SB

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you all. I have to sign out now until tomorrow. I'm hoping for a calm night. I appreciate your help and guidance more than I can ever share.