hyper sensitivity = VOLCANO

[itgirl]

About 3 months ago my ex and myself got back together.  We broke up as a classic push and pull.  I don’t want to go into detail but you can read my earlier post if you need more clarity. 

Fast forward to now:

She has stopped taking all her medication (antidepressants) about two months before we got back together.  I really think she is better off without it.  Much more engaged with life and myself and not numbing her world.  If that makes sense.   Recently I started noticing that she is very very sensitive about the smallest of things.  She currently have issues with her parents.  They are in the wrong cause they cannot except that she is gay and are therefore making her life HELL.  They are emotionally abusing her as in silent treatment. 

We recently went to them for a weekend so I can meet the parents so to speak.  I had a lovely time and her dad really embraced me and tried to seem fine with it.   On the last day my partner and her mom had a disagreement and now she sees the whole weekend as a failure.  Her mom gave her a “look”.  After that she was cold with her mom and vica verca.  Her dad froze some bones for my dogs as there were a lot of leftovers from the Sunday and I was more than happy to take them for my dogs at home.  My partner said to them:  WE DON’T WANT IT.  As she stated her dad would rather give it to the neighbours dog.  Which is untrue.

I am there for her and listen and help her.  I validate everything regarding her parents except once thing.  Wednesday night I told her over dinner that I think she was wrong with the bone thing and that is why her mother did not give her a big hug and kiss when we said goodbye.  I said that to try and defuse the thought that her mom did not love her.  Now afterwards I can see how that might be invalidating her but I thought by pointing out that was “childish” (I would never say that word as she will explode) she would get her mom loves her still but didn’t appreciate throwing the bones back at her.

It’s been now  2 days and she is still very upset with me regarding that.  I tried to apologise and at the heat of the moment I JADED big time.  She is just so sensitive and the smallest of things will set her off for days and she has a memory like an elephant.  She will remember this mistake I made for months to come.

I try and validate as I’m still new to using this wonderful tool.  But how to I deal with her being so sensitive without walking on eggshells?

Thanks for listening. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Olinda]

I don't have any tips for you.

Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I feel the same way and have tried this week to validate, validate, validate and avoid JADE.

Gosh it is so hard when they are throwing things out there that are not true and you know it's a hook and you still fall for it and JADE and then it all goes to s(*&.

I just 5 minutes ago set a boundary that I am not going to go there and go through this right now.  She said: "I'm tired of being the problem". 

I said: "I have told you I am working hard on me and changing the ways I am responding and... . " (aw s&^%, just realized that was JADE!)

Then she went on and on and I just stopped her and said: I don't want to do this right now. Please let's take a break.

So she yells F*&^ you, F(*& you and goes out slamming the door. 

ARGH.  I'm off to yoga class soon, thank heavens, and intend to do some meditating and being with my sadness about our inability to communicate right now. 

Sorry to hijack your thread, just want you to know that I think I understand... . And I'm going to be walking on eggshells for the next several days... . for sure.

Olinda

[an0ught]

Hi itgirl,

it is not your fault. You can't avoid trigger your gf once in a while. Best to apologize if needed and then avoid JADE. Not sure an apology is needed here on your side except for maybe for not realizing how stressed she was.

Likely you did not fully realize is how stressful the visit to the parents was for her. Then on top she was just leaving her parents - again a particularly stressful situation for a pwBPD. She lashed out against her parents by invalidating them (refusing a thoughtful present) and that was wrong. This is mainly about her and them and not about a bone.

It is said

1 validate the valid

do not

2   invalidate the valid

3   validate the invalid

4 and only when needed invalidate the invalid

You're situation falls under 4. She was misbehaving. The situation was fluid. Opening your mouth was taking sides against her. Such no-win situations are often the result of someone acting not rational. It is your dog and the bones were offered to you so keeping your mouth shut would have been walking on eggshells and letting her get away with game playing.

Now taking this up later would have probably required a bit more preparatory thinking and validation.

[HealingForMe]

Hey itgirl,

Its great that you're being so supportive of your dBPDSO. I cant really help too much except to say we all understand how difficult this must be for you.

Also, remember validation doesnt mean to agree, it means to accept that person has feelings about the issue.

You could also try the SET technique:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Its very easy (even for me ) & will help you raise difficult subjects 

[itgirl]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom especially an0ught.

She had another blow out with her father this morning.  I sent her a text saying I stood behind her and respected her for standing her ground.   Her parents was in the wrong this time.  She really appreciated it and said thank you.  Hopefully this issue is now resolved.

I have another issue that I would really like some advice on.  This weekend I had to go to a wedding alone as I RSVP while still single.  The couple that got married doesn’t know my partner.  The wedding was out of town meaning I had to sleep out.  Now off course she sees this as abandonment.  I had to go.  When I got back she was fine and greeted me at the door.  But the more I spoke about the wedding and what fun there was she got really quiet.  She got in her car and left me at home saying she is very upset about the wedding and doesn’t want to fight.  I was ok with that as she left to calm herself down.  She immediately apologized when she returned 3 hours later.

This morning after the fight with her dad she sent me a wall of text on how she thinks there is a problem with our relationship.  She does want to work on it this week by connecting more.  I don’t have a problem with that as this is a good thing.  However I am seeing signs of dysregulation.  My question to you is there any way I can try and stop it in its tracks now as I can identify this quicker now.  (thanks to this site).

[hopeforhappiness10]

First of all I want to commend you on your committment to your partner.  It is a true testment to you love for her because most people would not go the distance I think you have from reading your posts.

I am new to this group. I am a parent of a 21yrs old daughter that I have come to realize through several therapist and years of her difficult behevior that we used the excused of immaturity for BPD. So I wanted to possibly address the issues with her parents.  I want to share for the purposes of my post that I am extremely open minded to "gay relationships." It's sad that I have to even label your relationship that way rather than just "your relationship. So I hope I don't offend.

I am going to make some assumptions.  Since your partner is a Borderline, then she has probably been so difficult for her parents to deal with for so many years.  They are probably tired and cranky. I love my daughter more than life but I'm about at the end of my rope with her and her treatment of our family due to her immotional instablity because of how she feels about herself or her failed female/male relationships.  As you know, dealing with issues of a person with BPD can be overwelming and difficult. Accepting that the person you love has a mental illness is so painful - to say the least.   Now, add alternative life style to what her parents have to accept about her personality.  It's just one more thing they are having to face about how there daughter is different than the majority of their friends. The  potential hostility that your partner may have created with her mother could be putting a barrior on her mother abiltiy to come to grips with her daughter true sexual nature. There is a good possibity that she does not like her daughter which really has nothing to do with whether is is gay or not.  I'm not sure your ages, but her mother may be simply tired of trying to understand and accept her daugher because regardless how hard she tries to understand her daughter, it's a never ending life of walking on eggs. 

Have you considered if she she did not have BPD, that her parents would be more willing to accept the situation because they are not so burden with the other aspects of her personality. For as much as I am not negative to a gay lifestyle, I would feel like WOW I can't handle one more thing about her personality.

Look, I am the queen of making excuses for my daughters actions hoping that change is around the corner with age and maturity but now I am coming to grips that her difficult nature may be who she is. That alone may take me years to come to grips with because I can't image one day without my daughter in my life but I can't see my life dealing with her hostility towards me and everyone else.

You seem like a wonderful caring person and I can only hope my daughter will someday meet someone like you.  Good luck.

[itgirl]

Thank you very much for your insight from a mother’s point of view especially since you also deal with a daughter with BPD. Also, I was very touched by your response and appreciate every word.

I am 36 and my partner is 32.  She has had a rocky relationship with her mother before she came out so you are right.  It’s just another issue that her mom has to deal with.  Her parents were always portrayed to me as very hostile people.  I was very very surprised when I met them how easy going they actually are. 

I am not a mother myself so can’t comprehend what it must be like for you.  But as a daughter I am very lucky to have my mom which I have a very close relationship with.  She had to deal with two daughters being gay and I will forever love her so much for accepting me for who I am.  It took time for her but she never showed that to me. 

I have since joining this group made a lot of progress with my relationship with my SO and I hope that you will also find a breakthrough like I did.  We had such a hard time with communication due to her illness and with the tools on this site it has been such an improvement.  The smallest of things like validating her feelings can have major positive results.

It is however going to be a commitment for life so good luck to us all.