Reasonable or not letting little things go

[HoldingAHurricane]

I am wondering if I am being unreasonable. My dBPDh has made considerable progress in the last 12 months of consistent therapy with an excellent therapist. Things are still volatile but they are improving enough that I feel hopeful enough to shift over to this board.

Infidelity has been an ongoing problem in our relationship from his side of things and while I can't say Ii'm confident that will never happen again, I can see he has made enough internal shifts that is is more unlikely than it has ever been.

Last year, he instigated an inappropriate friendship with a female colleague. Things were said that crossed the line for me and he downloaded an IM program which concealed that he was speaking with her excessively as well as they were spending a lot of time together at work and on breaks. Around the same time, he was also involved in a similar (identical) situation with his female boss. I found out, they came to an end as far as I am aware.

Since that time I have not felt any reason to feel concern. At the time he offered to quit if I felt unable to tolerate him remaining in daily proximity to them. Since he is the issue, changing locations wouldn't have fixed anything and I declined. I asked that he keep his interactions with them purely business and not attend social functions if they were going to be there. He agreed.

In the last day I saw 2 emails initiated by him to one of the women. They were friendly and not intimate in any way and without the context we have I wouldn't give them a second thought. However, they were not about business and he initiated them. I asked him a few days ago what was going on with her and he assured me at the time that they don't speak and on the rare occasion they do it is business only. While these emails don't show a round 2 affair, they do show what he said was not the truth.

I feel reasonable in asking that he not socialise with these women, no matter how low level. Am I unreasonable?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I feel reasonable in asking that he not socialise with these women, no matter how low level. Am I unreasonable?

Would it make you feel any less insecure if we said whether this was reasonable or not?

Insecurity and trust is the issue that needs to be addressed here. It is about how you feel about it rather than what is actually happening or not. You can go round in never ending circles trying to constantly draw ethical lines in the sand, Your inner feelings and emotions will simply ignore these lines in the sand. then you end up feeling guilty because your feelings dont align with what others tell you is logic.

If your feelings tell you this is wrong, and we say it is not, then we are just invalidating your feelings. You then feel worse.

What can you do to stop you feeling this way? Making demands wont do it.

If you need him to stop social contact, then that is what you need, no matter whether if its reasonable or not. It is up to you whether that is the answer or not, or is that just a symptom of deeper mistrust and hence wont really resolve the issue for you?

Finding the real core issue for our feelings is the first step towards recovery, jumping on symptoms just drags it out.

[HoldingAHurricane]

You're right. I don't trust him and I feel terribly insecure and those are some of the real issues. Trying to control his behaviour (even if that were possible) isn't a good resolution and in the end it won't address whats really going on and make me feel better. 

He didn't want talk about it, didn't agree with what I had said, and just said he would stop doing it. I couldn't figure out why I was stuck since not talking to her was what I said I wanted. I kept going over and over that he offered to stop using her and feeding her flattery was currency to trade her for things he wanted like information (his words).

I do feel traumatised by his past infidelity. They have always come out after stumbling on some innocuous detail. 

I think the issue is that we do not agree on some fundamental values. Using people in the manner he describe is abhorrent to me. Even though he agreed to stop, he feels totally justified in doing what he has been doing and I feel horrified by it. In the end I was not satisfied by him stopping because it highlighted a greater issue.   

[waverider]

A pwBPD can weave a web faster than you can unpick it. Trying will drive you nuts and make it your disorder too.

Its not what happens that's the real problem, its the thought process driving it that's the problem, and you cannot control that.

[woodsposse]

Metaphor to follow.

Let me kick you in the shin... . on purpose.  It hurts.  You know I did it on purpose.  you ask me not to do it because it hurts.  I say I have a disorder which makes me kick you in the shin... . I know I do it... . I know it hurts you... . but I am going to do it.

You say... . okay.  But just don't do it.

I say... . okay.

And promptly kick you in the shin.   Again.   And again.

So... . what was your question?