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Author Topic: Had a Nightmare, then It Came True  (Read 480 times)
coastalfog1
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 59



« on: March 07, 2014, 04:00:36 PM »

It's been a few weeks since I last posted, I moved cross-country to put some distance between me and my exgfwBPD and hopefully gain some much needed perspective. My ex-wife flew out to the west coast and drove 4 days back east with me.Yes, we are friends and her current spouse said it was fine. We talked about the demise of our marriage , my current ex and life in general. I felt i finally got some much needed tough love and the perspective needed to step back and focus on me and stop blaming everything on her. That was until this morning,she's back. She texted me. I'm nervous and unsettled again. I feel like all the work to get in a good place and deal with my issues have been hit with a bomb.

This sucks... .
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2014, 04:27:41 PM »

Hey coastalfog, Tread carefully here.  Nearly everyone on the Leaving Board, I would venture to guess, has had a similar experience.  For a pwBPD, the fear of abandonment usually kicks in at some point after the b/u, which means that the pwBPD will get in contact and usually attempt some sort of recycle.  It's a pattern that others I'm sure can confirm.  Focus on what's right for you, not what's right for her.  Lucky Jim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
myself
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2014, 04:44:46 PM »

Coastalfog, you made a big move, and are heading in the right direction. Taking your detachment very seriously. Good for you! Would blocking her texts and calls, or changing your number, be a good next step? For your own peace of mind?
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almosthadme

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 47


« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2014, 05:03:24 PM »

Two words No Contact.I did not follow it and I got burned quick style!Of course it was all my fault!
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woodsposse
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 586



« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2014, 05:28:19 PM »

I have had two "major" breakups with SO with PD.

In both, we did a lot of recycling.  Each time we split up... . I never established contact (toward getting back together).  They always "came back" to me.  Always.  Each time, I allowed them back... . they spoke the words which always seemed to work.  Which were "Katuu Barada Nicto".

Wait.  Uh... . those weren't really the words (work with me here, I'm trying to be funny).

Anyway.  Each and every time, without fail - things would start to cycle. Almost like clock work.  After each recycle, the cycle would get faster and faster.  Although intellectually I saw the pattern, I honeslty got to the point where I thought it was me.

Even though in my last relationship there was a diagnosis (not BPD, but another PD) - I still didn't make the connection.  But once I did... . and could reflect on EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I had since leaving home... . (including my mother, who I just found out last week had been diagnosed over 30 years ago) - it hit me like a tonne of bricks and everything fell into place.

I'm not suggesting in the least bit that "all if forgiven" or that there is a way to go back and change anything which happened - or - that it was all their fault.  By far no.  I know I played my part in it as well.  It's just... . all these years I kept looking for ways to better myself in these relationships for if I found a better way to explain myself or if I worked harder (or didn't work as hard) or if I didn't drink (even socially) or if I didn't have hobbies or friends or if I could stop "Monday" from having a "Y" in it... . maybe she would be happy and love me or at least calm the heck down so  we could have a stable life together (like she promised).

Bottom line... . it will never stop.

It will never stop until you stop it.

If she is diagnosed and doesn't want to get help - there is nothing (repeat nothing) you can do for her.  The only thing you can do is work on you.  Protect you.  Make sure you keep you safe - so you can be healthy and be in a healthy relationship.

Period.

Think of it like this.  If you loved a woman who drank... . ALL THE TIME... . and when she was drunk was rude, mean, vicious, hateful, slept with your friends and was spiteful and a monster... . but on the few days of the month when she was somewhat sober she was halfway decent to you... . would you stick by her side?

If the answer is yes... . IF she got help (such as AA, stopped drinking, etc) and she said she wanted to be with you  but didn't think she needed to get help and wanted to keep drinking the way she is - would you stay?

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Ironmanrises
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1774


« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2014, 03:06:50 PM »

A cycle of behavior. It didn't stop before you and it will not stop during or after you. I too am experiencing this now(indirectly so far) while she is with my replacement. It is only a matter of time before the direct contact comes. Than I will find out how truly healed I am.
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2014, 03:26:19 PM »

I feel like all the work to get in a good place and deal with my issues have been hit with a bomb.

How about they've been tested a little, and that's a good thing.  You've done all the work you've done because it was the right thing for you, congratulate yourself for that, and now with some added "input" from her, your emotions are telling you how well you're doing in detaching.  How can you use that?  What did it teach you that you don't know?  What do you need to do differently now?  I say keep the good work you've already done and add what you need to take it to the next level; one day you'll get a text like that and you'll shrug it off with nothing more than mild curiosity and amusement.  Hang in there man.
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