Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
June 15, 2024, 05:52:47 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Really struggling today...
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Really struggling today... (Read 432 times)
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Really struggling today...
«
on:
March 08, 2014, 09:23:35 AM »
I'm trying really hard not to contact him today. I want to so much though it's almost too much to bear.
I'm feeling really ill, was off work all last week and still feel rubbish today. I am all alone here, with just my dogs, and I wish he was here to look after me. I can't stop crying today. Really bad day... . Don't know whether I can resist the need I'm feeling. I know it will end badly and start the hurting all over again, for us both, but I miss him so much.
Janey
Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #1 on:
March 08, 2014, 10:16:26 AM »
i'm sorry janey!
these are hard moments, god i know it.
Logged
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #2 on:
March 08, 2014, 10:18:39 AM »
And then as if a miracle had happened, I get an email from him 10 minutes ago telling me how angry he is with me for sending him information about DBT some days ago and that he is seeing someone new who makes him happy.
This was closely followed by another email accusing me of being a bad person, bad mother, bad daughter and that he hates me and can't even wish me luck! Also threatening to tell my employer about my son's dabbling with cannabis at university (I work in rehab).
This is a result! I couldn't have asked for more. He totally has reinforced my reasons for not being with him and the sad aching longing for him has vanished like mist.
Thank you universe!
Logged
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #3 on:
March 08, 2014, 10:20:27 AM »
Thank you maxen for your kind response... . I'm feeling a bit better now though as you can see.
Life goes on. I'm sorry for you that you know how this feels. Really no one should have to go through this misery!
Janey x
Logged
living in the past
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 190
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #4 on:
March 08, 2014, 10:41:29 AM »
Hi,its funny how when the pain lessens,we want to call pwBPD to make us feel good,i to am trying not to call friend,two weeks now,thanks for your reminder that i am not alone and they are a source of pain.
Logged
winston72
Retired Staff
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 688
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #5 on:
March 08, 2014, 10:52:31 AM »
Hey Janey... . this is quite a cycle within the same day! How easy it is to lean into the warm, connected memories without placing them in the context of the whole relationship... . and what a "gift" it was for you to collide head on with his chaotic attributes. Sometimes the contact with such as those emails helps to shape our emotions to be better aligned with the facts of the relationship.
Logged
https://bpdfamily.com/images/rm.png
maxen
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #6 on:
March 08, 2014, 10:56:47 AM »
Quote from: janey62 on March 08, 2014, 10:20:27 AM
Thank you maxen for your kind response... . I'm feeling a bit better now though as you can see.
it really does seem providential!
Logged
myself
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #7 on:
March 08, 2014, 11:02:09 AM »
PwBPD show their spots. Can't help it.
I've felt to contact my ex when feeling sick or sad, and also when I was feeling great. When feeling bad, it was to get my needs met. When feeling good, it was to get my needs met. There were many times I received an email like the one you just got, when contacting her. Other times, things went well, which meant we started another recycle, which eventually lead to more emails like the one you just got.
They weren't able to be there for us when we were with them. We need to let go of thinking they will be there for us now. It's a hard truth to face but it's the truth. Sorry you're feeling so up and down. The farther we go, the better.
Logged
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #8 on:
March 08, 2014, 12:01:34 PM »
Thanks all for your support... .
Living in the past, you're so not alone.
I forgot to say that the time delay between me wanting to call him and his venomous email was filled by being on here and reading what others have written. If I'd called him this morning, who knows where I'd be now?
If I can ever help you in a similar situation then don't hesitate to ask.
Janey xx
Logged
Fool for Love
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 83
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #9 on:
March 08, 2014, 12:39:03 PM »
Quote from: myself on March 08, 2014, 11:02:09 AM
PwBPD show their spots. Can't help it.
I've felt to contact my ex when feeling sick or sad, and also when I was feeling great. When feeling bad, it was to get my needs met. When feeling good, it was to get my needs met. There were many times I received an email like the one you just got, when contacting her. Other times, things went well, which meant we started another recycle, which eventually lead to more emails like the one you just got.
They weren't able to be there for us when we were with them. We need to let go of thinking they will be there for us now. It's a hard truth to face but it's the truth. Sorry you're feeling so up and down. The farther we go, the better.
Same here about wanting to contact during periods of ups and downs ... . But they replace us very easy ... . and when they have a new victim you are the last thing on his/hers mind. It's when they are put into a place they don't like when they will contact you . It's a cycle ... . hate you one day ... . then miss you the time.
Logged
winston72
Retired Staff
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 688
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #10 on:
March 08, 2014, 01:24:18 PM »
Quote from: myself on March 08, 2014, 11:02:09 AM
PwBPD show their spots. Can't help it.
I've felt to contact my ex when feeling sick or sad, and also when I was feeling great. When feeling bad, it was to get my needs met. When feeling good, it was to get my needs met. There were many times I received an email like the one you just got, when contacting her. Other times, things went well, which meant we started another recycle, which eventually lead to more emails like the one you just got.
They weren't able to be there for us when we were with them. We need to let go of thinking they will be there for us now. It's a hard truth to face but it's the truth. Sorry you're feeling so up and down. The farther we go, the better.
But... . next time will be different! I know it will! We humans are funny creatures... . I still have that inkling of hope that "next time" it will be different! And it is almost like the greater the void, the more I fill it with hope and possibilities. I suppose that is part of "fantasy" and "wishful thinking" which hurts me badly sometimes. At other times and places, it is that remaining spark of life that keeps us going against all odds. Learning to discern the reality of how to manage this aspect of my personality has become so important after my relationship.
Logged
https://bpdfamily.com/images/rm.png
Popcorn71
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 483
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #11 on:
March 08, 2014, 02:05:05 PM »
These bad days are awful. I have been having them too.
Stay strong and remember the crap he put you through. Tomorrow is a new day that will hopefully be better for you.
Logged
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #12 on:
March 09, 2014, 03:32:23 AM »
Quote from: winston72 on March 08, 2014, 01:24:18 PM
But... . next time will be different! I know it will! We humans are funny creatures... . I still have that inkling of hope that "next time" it will be different! And it is almost like the greater the void, the more I fill it with hope and possibilities. I suppose that is part of "fantasy" and "wishful thinking" which hurts me badly sometimes. At other times and places, it is that remaining spark of life that keeps us going against all odds. Learning to discern the reality of how to manage this aspect of my personality has become so important after my relationship.
www.scientificamerican.com/article/unflagging-optimism/
Hi Winston,
I believe one of the reasons that we cling to the good and the fantasy and forget the bad in a kind of amnesic fog is that we are innately optimistic (see above link). It's human! We underestimate our chances of anything bad happening to us. Perhaps then we underestimate BPD and how much it really affects the object of our love and us. In particular note the last paragraph in the article, the consequences of over optimism are that we don't take enough steps to protect ourselves.
I can remember being re-surprised by his behaviour, for the first year as if it was happening for the first time each time; when time he came down from one of his cycles of hate and destruction, and was loving and back to himself, I
optimistically
believed that it wouldn't happen again and clung to the happy feeling I was having in that moment.
It seems that those without the over optimistic trait are prone to depression. Rock and a hard place perhaps, but I'd rather be blindly optimistic than depressed! Just seems that we have to get burned over and over before we finally realise that we're onto a loser and that retreat is the safest option. Of course there's all our own stuff and the FOO factor to consider too. Sigh... .
Janey x
Logged
winston72
Retired Staff
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 688
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #13 on:
March 09, 2014, 11:13:47 AM »
Hey Janey, great post and link. I am not likely to change my own personal optimism bias, so my best course is to exercise more discipline and wisdom on the objects of my bias... . hmmm... . that sounds like optimism bias! Oh, no!
Realizing the brain’s partiality may be half the battle. “If you are aware of the optimism bias, you can commit to actions or rules that will help protect you,” Sharot notes.
Still, I think it is one of the goals for this web site to encourage and enable us to see thing as they really are and adjust our behavior accordingly... . but just as that article highlighted, I would experience terrible things but only make minor adjustments. It is hard to fully absorb how bad things really are. I find myself continually repeating facts to myself to stay in the awareness of the bad stuff. You see people on this site maintaining lists of hurtful episodes to remind them of what was really going on. That optimism bias is a powerful current that keeps pulling us out to sea.
Logged
https://bpdfamily.com/images/rm.png
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #14 on:
March 09, 2014, 05:19:14 PM »
Indeed it does, keep pulling us out to sea, but at least we're all in the same boat
I'm thinking of making a list, an actual physical list. I think it's the safest way.
Janey x
Logged
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #15 on:
March 09, 2014, 05:21:00 PM »
Actually there was a thread on the Leaving board where everyone listed all the bad stuff. That's what we were doing.
I will have to pay it another visit.
Logged
Ritchie53
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 85
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #16 on:
March 10, 2014, 05:45:37 AM »
Janey,
I feel for you I really do - at the end of these relationships and the discard has happened we yearn for contact, any contact, however 99.9% of the time the contact we do have is a further nail into the coffin of our already tarnished souls. It is not an easy road and right now you need a strict no contact policy. No matter how hard, no matter how difficult start stringing days together where you have no contact.
How far out of the relationship are you?
Myself personally I am just hovering on the 6 month mark and progress is starting to take shape. I am still not in a position to call myself fully healed but it is getting there. No contact spared me, it brought me out of the abyss, it is an almighty powerful tool and I hope that it can do a similar thing for you.
Logged
HealingForMe
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 108
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #17 on:
March 10, 2014, 07:14:04 AM »
Hey Janey,
I was about to post a message of empathy for the horrible day you were having, then I read your next post... . so happy for you his meaness snapped you out of your miserable day. Talk about ironic!
Excerpt
I am all alone here, with just my dogs, and I wish he was here to look after me.
Remember you're not alone, your BPD family is here to provide support
Logged
janey62
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Uncertain...
Posts: 310
Re: Really struggling today...
«
Reply #18 on:
March 10, 2014, 12:47:11 PM »
Quote from: Ritchie53 on March 10, 2014, 05:45:37 AM
Janey,
I feel for you I really do - at the end of these relationships and the discard has happened we yearn for contact, any contact, however 99.9% of the time the contact we do have is a further nail into the coffin of our already tarnished souls. It is not an easy road and right now you need a strict no contact policy. No matter how hard, no matter how difficult start stringing days together where you have no contact.
How far out of the relationship are you?
Myself personally I am just hovering on the 6 month mark and progress is starting to take shape. I am still not in a position to call myself fully healed but it is getting there. No contact spared me, it brought me out of the abyss, it is an almighty powerful tool and I hope that it can do a similar thing for you.
Hi Ritchie,
I am only about 6 weeks out of it now and so still feeling a bit vulnerable.
He only just told me he is seeing someone, though not sure how happy she is making him because two days before that he was writing saying he loved me and missed me and would never forget me! However, I'm not upset about it because it means I can now go NC. Before I wasn't able to, partly because I was having trouble letting go, but partly because I feared for him... . he has been very low recently.
I now think though that it will get easier because there is no ore FOG around no contact. I can move on. I also have a new job which is keeping me occupied, and of course all of you wonderful people.
Quote from: NachaLuva on March 10, 2014, 07:14:04 AM
Hey Janey,
I was about to post a message of empathy for the horrible day you were having, then I read your next post... . so happy for you his meaness snapped you out of your miserable day. Talk about ironic!
Excerpt
I am all alone here, with just my dogs, and I wish he was here to look after me.
Remember you're not alone, your BPD family is here to provide support
Hey NachaLuva,
That's so sweet! I don't feel alone because of this amazing Family, only that day when I was so ill and just wanted anyone to come and hold my hand. I got through it though and was so relieved when he messaged me... .
Thanks for your support
Janey xxx
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
Really struggling today...
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...