I refuse to be abused

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok... . I almost posted a lovely message today, about how today is pretty much the 12 month anniversary of being out. How I have worked on myself and learnt lots etc.

Anyway, just now... . I have about 10 tagged photo's on FB, not many at all. I just noticed a lot of photo's I had not seen for a while because I have been blocked for the 3rd time by BPD ex, today reappeared.

I had been unblocked again. So I look. Normally when I am unblocked I get the normal, weird public postings to view... . this time, everything private. Except for her relationship status. BPDex is in a relationship with "some poor replacement who will be in a world of pain eventually".

I just hit block. I blocked her, and I will never unblock her. Radio silence from now until eternity.

[Undone123]

Ok... . I almost posted a lovely message today, about how today is pretty much the 12 month anniversary of being out. How I have worked on myself and learnt lots etc.

Anyway, just now... . I have about 10 tagged photo's on FB, not many at all. I just noticed a lot of photo's I had not seen for a while because I have been blocked for the 3rd time by BPD ex, today reappeared.

I had been unblocked again. So I look. Normally when I am unblocked I get the normal, weird public postings to view... . this time, everything private. Except for her relationship status. BPDex is in a relationship with "some poor replacement who will be in a world of pain eventually".

I just hit block. I blocked her, and I will never unblock her. Radio silence from now until eternity.

[Madison66]

Nicely done, Undone! I love it! I've not been out as long as you, but life without the chaos and abuse is really good! Radio silence is my chosen form of n/c, also! My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years lives on my block. Doesn't matter! N/c means n/c! Healthy means healthy! Radio silence means radio silence! Shhhhhhhhhhhh... .

[Undone123]

I know abuse may be a strong term to use at this stage of the detachment, but that is what it certainly feels like. I know I have the choice to look etc. but it feels like every click of her mouse over the past 12 months has been done with malicious intent. Either to hammer my self concept, or to trigger emotion... .

I feel no need to block/unblock exes to show off relationship statuses... .

Anyway it ends.

[node4]

So tonight I am having a hell of a time. Tell me at 12 months out, do you really feel better about all of it? I am at almost 4 months. I am still experiencing deep pain on occasion, and tonight it feel like yesterday that we broke up.

[Undone123]

It feels great... . I still have my moments, like this evening, but there has to be a direct trigger... . no constant thinking about them. Trying to make sense of the senseless. No hate or bitterness. Just a sort of acceptence... .

I know I'm not fully there yet. I feel dysregulated at the minute, and I know I could not see her without those same feelings being triggered... . but one day, and one day soon, I am sure, I will be completely indifferent.

In someways I am lucky, I am 12 months out of a relationship that lasted only 12 months.

With introspection, self work, and self love, you will get there

[node4]

When you say dysregulated what do you mean. For me it has been almost three years that I have known her, I have been with her off and on throughout that time, we have recycled 4 times. I am done with her. She has attempted to bait me the whole time via, my daughter, my mom, and e-mailed me a month out, about a lease agreement, I did not respond. She had no reason to e-mail me about the lease on the house we were renting, she normally would have called the rental company... . but she wanted me to engage... she has play games like that the entire time... . I could bore you with the details. I just want the pain to go away. I have noticed that I get triggered when something in my life goes wrong, and then I feel sorry for myself, and jump to her... . and the failed relationship... . but sometimes... . it simply hits me out of nowhere. I am over it. She was never at any point worth all of this pain... .

[Skip]

I feel no need to block/unblock exes to show off relationship statuses... .

Is this what happened?  Maybe not.

I know abuse may be a strong term to use at this stage of the detachment, but that is what it certainly feels like. I know I have the choice to look etc. but it feels like every click of her mouse over the past 12 months has been done with malicious intent. Either to hammer my self concept, or to trigger emotion... .

How do you think setting her Facebook to private (and unblocking) is an act of malicious intent?

When someone sets their Facebook to private, they are taking access away from 100,000+ people.  That's not about you.  And once someone does that, blocking people is not so necessary.  Its hard to see how this is targeted toward you at all - if anything it suggests that she just made some Facebook changes- cleaned your name and her connection to the anger from the blocked contract list.

But this strong reaction says something significant about you... . the feelings are real.  But what are they about?

The second Stage of Detachment talks about self inquiry.  So in this case, the question is, if not a act of malicious intent and abuse, what is driving these strong feelings?

NC is a tool - its like a crutch - to get you to a stable place to work through your detachment.  But like a crutch, if you cling to it for a year and don't do the physical therapy, it is doing more harm than good.

You got to get in touch with the real feeling to resolve them.  We all do.

So,  if not a act of malicious intent and abuse, what is driving these strong feelings?

[Undone123]

I feel no need to block/unblock exes to show off relationship statuses... .

Is this what happened?  Maybe not.

I know abuse may be a strong term to use at this stage of the detachment, but that is what it certainly feels like. I know I have the choice to look etc. but it feels like every click of her mouse over the past 12 months has been done with malicious intent. Either to hammer my self concept, or to trigger emotion... .

How do you think setting her Facebook to private (and unblocking) is an act of malicious intent?

When someone sets their Facebook to private, they are taking access away from 100,000+ people.  That's not about you.  And once someone does that, blocking people is not so necessary.  Its hard to see how this is targeted toward you at all - if anything it suggests that she just made some Facebook changes.

But this strong reaction says something significant about you... . the feelings are real.  But what are they about?

The 5 Stages of Detachment talks about self inquiry.  So in this case, the question is, if not a act of malicious intent and abuse, what is driving these strong feelings?

NC is a tool - its like a crutch - to get you to a stable place to work through your detachment.  But like a crutch, if you cling to it for a year and don't do the physical therapy it is doing more hard than good.

You got to get in touch with the real feeling to resolve them.  We all do.

So,  if not a act of malicious intent and abuse, what is driving these strong feelings?

The day her relationship status changes, i am unblocked? the status is publisised, however the normal public statuses that where there last time, clearly directed at me are gone? Previously her relationship status private... .

Looks like it is directly done to trigger feelings in myself... . otherwise, why unblock me? why make a relationship status public? etc.

The only thing it feels like it has done in this very moment is made me feel more detached... . before with her popping up, projecting her crap etc. I was seriously considering if she returned I could radically accept her.

I radically accept I've been replaced. What I also radically accept is I could never go back there now.

[Undone123]

When you say dysregulated what do you mean. For me it has been almost three years that I have known her, I have been with her off and on throughout that time, we have recycled 4 times. I am done with her. She has attempted to bait me the whole time via, my daughter, my mom, and e-mailed me a month out, about a lease agreement, I did not respond. She had no reason to e-mail me about the lease on the house we were renting, she normally would have called the rental company... . but she wanted me to engage... she has play games like that the entire time... . I could bore you with the details. I just want the pain to go away. I have noticed that I get triggered when something in my life goes wrong, and then I feel sorry for myself, and jump to her... . and the failed relationship... . but sometimes... . it simply hits me out of nowhere. I am over it. She was never at any point worth all of this pain... .

Dyregulated I mean, a lot of old pain comes back. I feel hot, clammy, anxious etc. Not my normal self... .

The games will end. I had the pointless emails to family etc. My family stopped responding and it died down. Be stong! it does get better

[Undone123]

I feel no need to block/unblock exes to show off relationship statuses... .

Is this what happened?  Maybe not.

I know abuse may be a strong term to use at this stage of the detachment, but that is what it certainly feels like. I know I have the choice to look etc. but it feels like every click of her mouse over the past 12 months has been done with malicious intent. Either to hammer my self concept, or to trigger emotion... .

How do you think setting her Facebook to private (and unblocking) is an act of malicious intent?

When someone sets their Facebook to private, they are taking access away from 100,000+ people.  That's not about you.  And once someone does that, blocking people is not so necessary.  Its hard to see how this is targeted toward you at all - if anything it suggests that she just made some Facebook changes- cleaned your name and her connection to the anger from the blocked contract list.

But this strong reaction says something significant about you... . the feelings are real.  But what are they about?

The second Stage of Detachment talks about self inquiry.  So in this case, the question is, if not a act of malicious intent and abuse, what is driving these strong feelings?

NC is a tool - its like a crutch - to get you to a stable place to work through your detachment.  But like a crutch, if you cling to it for a year and don't do the physical therapy, it is doing more harm than good.

You got to get in touch with the real feeling to resolve them.  We all do.

So,  if not a act of malicious intent and abuse, what is driving these strong feelings?

and I am not talking "private" "private", she is still public... . just she would post certain statuses and make them public... . so you could see what she had posted (like being a friend) but she would choose specific ones to make public to the world... . her relationship was available to friends only... .

now I am unblocked, and her relationship status has gone from friends only, to the world... . including exes you have just unblocked.

[Skip]

Looks like it is directly done to trigger feelings in myself... . otherwise, why unblock me?

It would have to assume two things -  1) that you are stalking her account and 2) her reason for showing her status has little to do with her new SO, if more about you.  Usually when a person is very open about being i a relationship, it is a show of commitment to the person she is in a relationship with.

The only thing it feels like it has done in this very moment is made me feel more detached... . before with her popping up, projecting her crap etc. I was seriously considering if she returned I could radically accept her.  I radically accept I've been replaced. What I also radically accept is I could never go back there now.

Detached is "ambivalence". 

You sound wounded, hurt, feeling a loss.  You still had hope.  You haven't let go.

That's OK, if its true.  We have to work through that and its not about NC, its about letting go of yesterday and embracing tomorrow.

Is this possibly what is going on?

[NyGirl8]

I agree with you undone.  My ex also plays on FB to hurt me.  Too much of a coincidence that she changes her settings to private AND unblocks you.  Unblocking/blocking requires intent, it cannot be done with an accidental key stroke.  She knew what she was doing.  Nicely done by just blocking her!  Nicely done!  :-)

[Undone123]

Looks like it is directly done to trigger feelings in myself... . otherwise, why unblock me?

It would have to assume two things -  1) that you are stalking her account and 2) her reason for showing her status has little to do with her new SO, if more about you.  Usually when a person is very open about being i a relationship, it is a show of commitment to the person she is in a relationship with.

The only thing it feels like it has done in this very moment is made me feel more detached... . before with her popping up, projecting her crap etc. I was seriously considering if she returned I could radically accept her.  I radically accept I've been replaced. What I also radically accept is I could never go back there now.

Detached is "ambivalence". 

You sound wounded, hurt, feeling a loss.  You still had hope.  You haven't let go.

That's OK, if its true.  We have to work through that and its not about NC, its about letting go of yesterday and embracing tomorrow.

Is this possibly what is going on?

on my account I have hardly any photos... . when I am blocked/unblocked I know as they ones she tagged me in show up... .

I definitely held on to a glimmer of hope. But being replaced shows how insignificant I was in the grand scheme of things... .

[Undone123]

I felt, if I changed enough, she could come back... . and she wouldn't have to change as much. If I learned how to be better, accept more... . No matter what had happened, I felt I could accept her... . But I can't accept being replaced.

[123Phoebe]

But I can't accept being replaced.

 Undone

No longer being 'thee' person in the person we're attached to the most's life hurts like hell.  There's no denying it.

Truly accepting that she's found someone else might be just what the Dr ordered.

It sucks and I'm really sorry.

[Undone123]

I don;t think I'm articulating myself very well here... .

but yes you are right. I think it is what the doctor ordered as it finally closes the door for me

[node4]

The facebook issue, my ex used it as weapon on a constant basis. I soon as we broke up, within two days she created a fake facebook profilre, one of about three that she uses. She was pretending to be a black women, and sent me a friend request. I knew it was her. Then I talked to one of my ex best friends, a female my ex bf contacted me to tell me that the same woman contacted her, and it was indeed her, because my ex BPD was accepted by my friend, not knowing who it was, then my exBPD sent her a threatening message telling her that she would harm her if she came near me. That was a huge mistake... . because my ex best friend... . came to see me... . that's another story... . mahahahahah... .

After the facebook... . gate... . she started liking every picture she could find on instagram... . she is an expert in this BS. I am in the IT field, and she is so good at, cyber stalking I told her that she needs to get a job in computers... . she actually listened to me, and last week I heard through the grape vine enrolled in ECPI... . she listened to me, and is now trying to do my job... not sure if I should be flattered or insulted.

I think what Skip is saying, is regardless of all of the above, you should not care what she does with her status...

I have looked once, for the first time this last breakup. I have never looked in three years, and I will never do it again. She actually was acting like she was the victim in the relationship, it was unreal... . it was actually comical.

She had it made, and I mean made... . house, car, money... . made... . and what she did to me, was started picking fights with me, pushing every button that I had, then she would record me with her cell phone. Then she played what I said back to my family, and her family... . no one realized that she was nailing me with everything she had for about 15 mins before the record button was pressed, and she would get really quite... . my point, she needed an excuse for everyone else to leave... . I think it just encase she wanted to recycle in the future.

They can never be the bad guys... . funny how no one else but us notice the long trail of victims behind them, and their enablers still think it's everyone else.

Whats my point... . point... . they are experts at mental warfare... . this is strategic in nature. If you take all of the emotion out of the equation, like they do... . they are surgical in how the work people... . even when they are sloppy... . the get to someone. So facebook, is a tool in the war chest.

But... . we should not care... . I will never look again... . it could have enraged me, but thankfully, I have a deep spock like sense of logic inside of me, and some of the crap that comes out of her mouth if it wasn't so far out, and in left field, I would have been upset, and offended by it. But you know... . its all BS.

I am ready to move, on... . just wish my soul would let this crap go... . it isn't fun... . ha... . fun... anymore. Sorry for my rant... . I get caught up in the moment.

[NyGirl8]

I agree undone.  Triangulate with friends, work, even alcohol.  But, put me in a triangle with another woman... . I am done.  Final straw, no recycling now.  Another match on the bridge:  My children (our children) saw this happen as he had her back in his bed within days of leaving this final "working on the marriage" phase... . Done.  Just trying to heal now... .

[Skip]

Put, put me in a triangle with another woman... . I am done.  

There is no triangle here, is there?  You've been no contact for a year, right?

Ok... . I almost posted a lovely message today, about how today is pretty much the 12 month anniversary of being out. How I have worked on myself and learnt lots etc.

[Undone123]

Put, put me in a triangle with another woman... . I am done.  

There is no triangle here, is there?  You've been no contact for a year, right?

Ok... . I almost posted a lovely message today, about how today is pretty much the 12 month anniversary of being out. How I have worked on myself and learnt lots etc.

since november... . I agree there is no triangle.

[woodsposse]

Ok... . I almost posted a lovely message today, about how today is pretty much the 12 month anniversary of being out. How I have worked on myself and learnt lots etc.

Anyway, just now... . I have about 10 tagged photo's on FB, not many at all. I just noticed a lot of photo's I had not seen for a while because I have been blocked for the 3rd time by BPD ex, today reappeared.

I had been unblocked again. So I look. Normally when I am unblocked I get the normal, weird public postings to view... . this time, everything private. Except for her relationship status. BPDex is in a relationship with "some poor replacement who will be in a world of pain eventually".

I just hit block. I blocked her, and I will never unblock her. Radio silence from now until eternity.

Good choice.  My opinion is - the moment you let your ex in the door... . even a toe... . the cycle starts all over again.