Trust issues

[drillenissen]

Hey.

First time I'm writing with a problem here. So I hope, I'm not doing anything wrong.

Last year I caught my boyfriend using dating sites (well, I was bold enough to look through his browser history and sneaking around on some of the sites too), and I saw that he had been online on a few sites even though we had been a couple for half a year, and the second time I found out, we had been together for a year. He even wrote that he was "single" on one of the profiles (eel, he hadn't changed it since before we started dating).

I was shocked. Sad. Confused. I knew it was wrong of me to look, but I did. He assured me he hadn't contacted anyone, but I was still so angry. We talked about it, but I never got a valid reason from him, other than that he wanted to meet friends. I thought and still think it's bullhit.

But I accepted it, and now (hopefully) the profiles are all gone, and I haven't been sneaking around in his pc for many months now. I am really trying to trust him.

However I believe that it has damaged a lot in our relationship. I don't trust him when he talks to girls. He has been trying to find friends on Facebook, but each time he ends up talking to girls. I have told him that I don't like it when he meets new friends, because the people he talks to are only girls. It doesn't seem like he understands it.

Now he's talking to a complete stranger on Facebook because he wanted to sell his dishwasher and she replied in a private message, and they've been talking for several hours now. They are talking about their jobs, their children etc AND she asked him for friendship on Facebook and he accepted it. He says it's because he's curious and because he wanted to look at her pictures.

I don't like it. I don't trust him. Because of the past.

What should I do? Is it unfair of me to mistrust him? Should I just don't care that he talks to a girl?

I do think it's fine that he gets new friends, but I'd just wish that they weren't all girls.

- Malene

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

There is no reason to trust your BF, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy.  Do you have a counselor to help you?   

[HealingForMe]

Hi Malene 

There is no reason to trust your BF, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy.

I agree! He's being secretive & manipulative. Normally I would say you shouldnt look in his search history again, but in this case I think its justified.

He says it's because he's curious and because he wanted to look at her pictures.

To me thats a  . When I'm in love I'm not "curious" about other girls or want to look at their pics

I do think it's fine that he gets new friends, but I'd just wish that they weren't all girls.

Another  I tend to make friends with girls more than guys, but I dont go chasing them on FB, esp when I'm in a r/s

Remember there are different forms of cheating, whether its online cheating, real life but not physical (emotional cheating) or straight out cheating. You need to decide what you will tolerate, create those boundaries & enforce them. If he breaks a boundary, there need to be consequences. If that means you walk out the door & leave him, you may be better off... .

Good luck, stay strong

[drillenissen]

Thanks for your answers! We talked about it tonight and he's really sad and angry that I don't trust him. He knows my boundaries he said, and he Said he hasn't done anything that I wouldn't approve. So right now I'll trust him, but it's not easy at all. It bothers both of us that I have those trust issues. It's so hard.

And no I don't have a counselor. I've Never thought about getting one to be honest.

[MissyM]

Honey, I hate to be blunt but blindly trusting someone that has cheated is not wise.  BPDs that cheat, have to have some serious help.  The problem is not that you don't trust him, the problem is that he has behaved in a non trustworthy manner and has bad boundaries with other women.  Good luck and I highly suggest you get a counselor to help you with your boundaries.

[Samuel S.]

"You can't have your cake and eat it, too." is so very appropriate here. He connects with girls. He's caught. He's sad and angry. Sad that he got caught? Angry that he got caught? You sensed that something was wrong, and you were justified to check up on what he was doing online. It is no wonder why you do not trust him. He says he hasn't done anything wrong? UMM, by doing what he has been doing is definitely ruining the relationship. If he values his relationship with you, then, he needs to prove it by his actions by focusing his time on you and not on those girls. As for getting a counselor, it would be helpful to clarify how you feel and how to proceed.

[MissyM]

Samuel, wish I could "Like" your post!

[HealingForMe]

Thanks for your answers! We talked about it tonight and he's really sad and angry that I don't trust him.

That sounds like FOG to me.

Its his behaviour thats damaging this r/s, dont let him transfer the guilt onto you. You havent done anything wrong. Its his behaviour that has caused you to rightfully mistrust him. He has no right to feel sad or angry but you have every right.

I agree with Samuel & MissyM, he's not sad & angry for you mistrusting him, as you should (& I bet he knows you should), he's sad & angry cos you caught him! He's been busted & now swings into BPD defense mode & projects the blame onto you.

Stick to your boundaries & be strong, he's going to test you... .

[btechpc]

There is a program I've used for clients in the past to catch cheating spouses, it's called spectorsoft. It's be best $99 you'll ever spend. Easy to install and they will never know it's on there. Best of all is it takes a screen shot every 30 seconds so the proof is undeniable! Just make sure to setup a new email address that he doesn't know, it can send reports to you too.

[drillenissen]

About the counselor thing: I'm a student, and I can't afford to see a counselor right now. But I'm sure it would be helpful.

But I agree with what you are saying. I don't get it why he tries to make me seem like the bad guy. However, I've done something too that made him very upset, and that I regret a lot, which caused a huge fight and he had problems with trusting me too. I wasn't cheating, but he thought of it as cheating. SO the thing is that he has decided to trust me after all, and therefore I want to be able to trust him too. That's something we talked about too yesterday. Just as I am, he is also a bit "worried" when I'm talking to guys online, but he said that he is not making a big deal about it, because he is trying hard to trust me too.

I guess both him and I are equally jealous. But I also believe that we are improving, which is a good thing!

And I don't think I would use that program, because that wouldn't exactly help us trusting each other, if he found out.

[living in the past]

 Hi , my comment is not to get to caught up in pwBPD life ,not that he is DX, but you are here,the mistake i made and i think alot of people here make is getting to involved, you are young and single, so focus a little more on yourself and try not to get sucked in to his problems to much, its very hard to detach once we are to attached to a pwBPD, good luck,

[drillenissen]

Hi , my comment is not to get to caught up in pwBPD life ,not that he is DX, but you are here,the mistake i made and i think alot of people here make is getting to involved, you are young and single, so focus a little more on yourself and try not to get sucked in to his problems to much, its very hard to detach once we are to attached to a pwBPD, good luck,

Hi!

Well, obviously I'm not single, since this post is about my boyfriend, but thanks for your input  

I am trying hard to focus on myself. I'm going to change my education this summer, and I'll move away from him unless we find some place together (which I highly doubt that we do). I want to move back in with my parents, because that would be good for me, and for us, because then we could live away from each other for a while. We moved in together only after three months of knowing each other, so we've spend a lot of time together and we're getting on each other's nerves. But I still love him and he loves me, so I'm not done fighting for this.

[wishfulthinking]

I agree with the others.  Pure FOG.  He is sad and angry HE GOT CAUGHT.  He will tell you it's purely innocent, how would he feel if the tables were turned?  Not actual cheating in the physical sense, but I would considering it very borderline on the cheating spectrum.  You checked because your gut told you to, and you were RIGHT, don't let him FOG you into thinking you did anything wrong.  He is wrong in this situation and doubly wrong for trying to guilt you into thinking otherwise.

[HealingForMe]

Dont let him talk you into finding a place together, thats asking for trouble unless he gets his BPD under control, which as you know is a difficult & long term thing.

Moving back in with your parents would be a good move IMO. It would give you both some breathing room & take off some of the pressure on you both. Plus a safe place if things dont work out. If you've read all the horror stories of non BPDs leaving a shared home, you'll be glad of this if your r/s ends.

I'm glad you seem to be thinking about this maturely, just keep being cautious. There's no need to rush anything, take your time & good luck, stay strong.

[bruceli]

Hey.

First time I'm writing with a problem here. So I hope, I'm not doing anything wrong.

Last year I caught my boyfriend using dating sites (well, I was bold enough to look through his browser history and sneaking around on some of the sites too), and I saw that he had been online on a few sites even though we had been a couple for half a year, and the second time I found out, we had been together for a year. He even wrote that he was "single" on one of the profiles (eel, he hadn't changed it since before we started dating).

I was shocked. Sad. Confused. I knew it was wrong of me to look, but I did. He assured me he hadn't contacted anyone, but I was still so angry. We talked about it, but I never got a valid reason from him, other than that he wanted to meet friends. I thought and still think it's bull.

But I accepted it, and now (hopefully) the profiles are all gone, and I haven't been sneaking around in his pc for many months now. I am really trying to trust him.

However I believe that it has damaged a lot in our relationship. I don't trust him when he talks to girls. He has been trying to find friends on Facebook, but each time he ends up talking to girls. I have told him that I don't like it when he meets new friends, because the people he talks to are only girls. It doesn't seem like he understands it. Now he's talking to a complete stranger on Facebook because he wanted to sell his dishwasher and she replied in a private message, and they've been talking for several hours now. They are talking about their jobs, their children etc AND she asked him for friendship on Facebook and he accepted it. He says it's because he's curious and because he wanted to look at her pictures.

I don't like it. I don't trust him. Because of the past.

What should I do? Is it unfair of me to mistrust him? Should I just don't care that he talks to a girl?

I do think it's fine that he gets new friends, but I'd just wish that they weren't all girls.

- Malene

He understands perfectly fine, fact is he doesn't care.  Their lack of empathy for your feelings is key here.  I speak from experience here.  DW is still on at least 4 sites that I know of because she tells me straight out.  She's on yahoo messenger daily.  No matter what you may say it's all about them and if you mention it, YOU are controlling and abusive.

[123Phoebe]

But I still love him and he loves me, so I'm not done fighting for this.

Fighting for this, might be just what you do need to step away from   Get a little distance to gain perspective.  I'm not saying to leave the relationship.  It's just that moving in together after 3 months didn't give you much time to date and get to know each other.  All of a sudden, woosh, you're IN a relationship.

It takes a little work to rebuild the foundation, based on both of your values and goals. 

Where would you like to see your relationship headed?

[HealingForMe]

It takes a little work to rebuild the foundation, based on both of your values and goals. 

Foundations need to be built on mutual respect where your needs are every bit as important as his. This will be difficult with a pwBPD, please only stay in the r/s if this can be done

[ziniztar]

Hey girl,

I'm in the same situation as we speak.

My boyfriend has BPD and is in treatment (sees a counselor every week).

Last week he so called never wanted to see me again. After a few days of cooling down, he still tried to push me away. I demanded he'd say it to my face (already expecting things not to be as harsh as they were being displayed at that time). When I got there he started crying I should never let him go.

The thing is. He thought we ended it. I was quite confused during the weekend as well: if I'd kiss with someone right now, would I be cheating?

I asked him the same question: when you feel like you broke up with me, do you "do stuff" with other people because you think you're single? I'm not sure he lied to me or not, but he said no. His answer was that he did that in the past, but he knows the truth always comes to surface and that the shame, pain and guilt are stronger than anything he could 'win' by cheating.

I did however check his phone the other day and he's still talking to her (a little bit). They're trying to meet up for coffee. He hasn't saved her phone number for some strange reason. But in the meantime he also deleted the initial Facebook message thread (she found him), knowing that he's using my iPad to logon to Facebook and that I can read his messages. He knows that was wrong. Or he's ashamed he did it and doesn't want to see it now. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I can feel your pain. You've checked up on him - which you ideally shouldn't have to do - and found things that you didn't like. But do you tell? I've mentioned to him that my boundary is that I don't want him to kiss other girls. He can see them, meet up for coffee or wine, I really don't care. If he wants to gain some confidence that way I'm fine with it. But the girls shouldn't think they're on a date. He should be honest he's in a relationship. And I'm not sure he is.

I've got some serious trust issues as well so I'm not sure what to do with this. I've got a meeting with a counselor tomorrow and check what he has to say about this. It somehow does not feel right not to say anything about this... .

Is your boyfriend in treatment by the way?