How to deal with uBPD/ NPD at family gathering.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I´ll have to meet this uBPD/ NPD relative at her home (it will be a family gathering) in a couple of weeks. Im VLC, I only meet her once a year, at this event. And Im already getting anxious.

Last year I tried MC. She actually didnt address me at all and neither did I, except for the greetings. Despite of that, she gives me angry looks, whenever Im talking to other people (jealousy?). So, either I get silence or anger. There cant be any normal conversation, not even small chat is possible. Even if she meddles in the conversation Im having with somebody, she addresses the other person and doesnt look me in the eye, as some kind of punishment, as if I dont exist. Needless to say I was met with her rages and cruel and vicious remarks while I was growing up. So decades ago I realized there was no communication possible, my only role is to be a punching bag.

Im not sure there´s any way to go through this gracefully. I have to go (not going isnt an option).

Id appreciate any suggestions, ideas or thoughts about this. Thank you!

[Louise7777]

I´ll have to meet this uBPD/ NPD relative at her home (it will be a family gathering) in a couple of weeks. Im VLC, I only meet her once a year, at this event. And Im already getting anxious.

Last year I tried MC. She actually didnt address me at all and neither did I, except for the greetings. Despite of that, she gives me angry looks, whenever Im talking to other people (jealousy?). So, either I get silence or anger. There cant be any normal conversation, not even small chat is possible. Even if she meddles in the conversation Im having with somebody, she addresses the other person and doesnt look me in the eye, as some kind of punishment, as if I dont exist. Needless to say I was met with her rages and cruel and vicious remarks while I was growing up. So decades ago I realized there was no communication possible, my only role is to be a punching bag.

Im not sure there´s any way to go through this gracefully. I have to go (not going isnt an option).

Id appreciate any suggestions, ideas or thoughts about this. Thank you!

[strangerinparadise]

May I be horrible and ask why you even bother to go?

When it comes to situations like this, I just hope us non-BPD's get out of this ok. That's why I ask.

I have a special family event that I want to go to despite my uBPD mother's issues. That's maybe why I'm so curious.

I really hope you have a wingman or a healthy excuse to get the fudge out of there when it concerns you all around well being.

[StarStruck]

Hi cristina2323 -

I have one in the family that I still have to see her at certain 'functions.' which are at her house. she goes shy and weird when out the house

Some of the made up stuff that comes out of her mouth is unreal and general rudeness to anyone thats with me, before I used to take it lying down now I respond back to every missed placed comment, staying strong and always plan for the worse before it happens, I always have a wing person now.

If like you say you're getting ignored, I would go with that, feel the vibe and don't meet her more than half way. If you find yourself on your own with them, get the hell out of there, just get up and leave for the loo, anything.

Try not to be anxious leading up, it's rotten for that person to make you feel that way, don't let that drain you, they're drainers even when they are not around you. Be aware if there's alcohol around, inflames the situation (the person I'm talking about is hideous whilst drinking). Think about how you will feel after too. It takes me weeks to recover after I've been around one

Good luck I feel for you it absolute rubbish 

[Louise7777]

Strangerinpara, thank you for your answer. You are not horrible at all, my first thought is not to go, but I have to, cause its some other relative´s birthday. I want to be there for this person, they live together, so I have to go through this once a year. Unfortunately I dont have a wingman. Im on my own! Im sorry your mom makes you feel that way too, its just terrible, isnt it? I agree, the best for us nons is no contact at all... .

StarStruck, thank you for your words. Yes, drained! Thats exactly how I feel around her. And like you, it lasts for days or maybe weeks afterwards. There´s no alcohol involved. I wonder what would happen if there was... . She´s in her 80´s. People say they mellow with age but I havent seen that... . I have never met anybody so vicious, angry and revengeful my whole life... .

Yes, being ignored is better than being raged at. But its still upsetting in the sense that she makes a point in ignoring (humiliating) me with such behaviour. She is completely histrionic with others, leading the show... While she looks at me with despise and hatefulness... . Since there are witnesses (her friends) she cant rage at me. But I clearly see the anger boiling, she makes no effort to hide it. Its really strange.

I socialize with a few of her friends and it makes her angry. Actually, the fact that I breathe makes her angry. I know the general rudeness you talk about. Im invited, I go, take a gift and Im treated like I have the plague.

Im thinking of going a day before the party to avoid all the histrionic behaviour (there is some other uHPD relative who will go, to add more fuel to the fire). Im not sure if thats even worse, cause there will be no "witnesses" (her friends) to contain her behaviour... .

[StarStruck]

cristina2323 right I see 80, yep they get worse, I think they loose the stamina to put up with their facade. Prob with the extra confidence thinking that no one is going to stand up for themselves and be nasty to a dear old lady. Umm... frustrating to say the least. I totally understand what you say regarding the very personal assault on you when others are in the room and she treats you different, its a very weird experience and isolating, the others think none the wiser at the bullying, they just don't see it.

histrionic tendency, I know the character you describe here, they seem to think they are life and soul and anyone that doesn't 'play' is boring!

I can see why you think to skip the day going day before I really can & do hear you about the witness thing though. Have a really good think what's best for your health... . you're the only one that matters here, SS x  

PS can you not get out of this by playing them at their games... . take it right up to the hour then say you are unwell?

PPS If you really have to go, dig deep and polish up up your boundary setting. Seeing it as an opportunity to reinforce what you've learnt with all your experience with this.

[Louise7777]

Thank you, StarStruck. Yes, its very isolating and hurtful. I shouldnt, but cant stop wondering why she behaves this way. I went from GC to SG and dont know why. Im sure Ill never know. Or better, I refused to become her "mini me", thats why. Since then (more than 20 years now) Im no good. I remember something that happened when I was maybe 12: we were alone and she told me I was cute but cheap. I really dont remember the circumstances (I wish I did). So, she can be truly evil when no one is around.

I have tried different approaches through the years: answering back, staring back at her, pretending I didnt get it... . Nothing stops her from doing it again. The ammount of rage she has is unbeliavable. And to be honest, some of her friends have seen the mask fall. One was raged at in the middle of the street and was appaled. Never talked to her again.

I guess Ill go and ignore her myself. She will keep ignoring me and then giving me nasty remarks as she usually does (even with others present). When it happens, I just stand up and leave. Ill chit chat with her best friend, so she will be my wingman, I doubt she will do something nasty in front of her... .

[StarStruck]

I guess Ill go and ignore her myself. She will keep ignoring me and then giving me nasty remarks as she usually does (even with others present). When it happens, I just stand up and leave.

Great move, go and mirror her ignoring and at the first sniff of nastiness, leave. That sounds like a plan. And as for the comments; absolute ridiculous. See it for how pathetic it is, she's not describing you, she's projecting on to you of how she thinks about herself.

Stuff her and stick to your plan! & make sure you follow it though! this will keep you strong whilst recovering from the party; hey you looked after yourself, you showed yourself self respect... . dare I say it (at their own game)... . you won x

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hi, my god... . please may the powers that be, if I reach this age (wonder all the time given heart crap), may I never ever be hurtful but the  balm so many of my older lady friends are to me! eeeek!

Okay... . game plan... . take a bracelet, go BUY a bracelet, or a ring, or a rosary, or a picture of a baby that you love or a baby picture of YOU... . carry this in your hand. Don't have to explain to anyone what it's for - "oh, wow, isn't that funny, I was going to put that in my bag getting out of the car... . "

This object is your magic wand. It says, This bitter, OLD, tired, hateful, vengeful, frightened old hag (so sorry but that is what she is  by her behavior, obviously no clue how she physically appears)... . this bitter old HAG is a vapor. She is not me. I am not her. How fortunate for me, how sad for her.

Your magic wand is the ticket to being there for this special person's occasion ( must be special, not many would endure the hag to attend! bravo for even trying to!) - it's your ticket to, I am here, but not. I am here, but focusing on really positive things. Hey St Paddy's is coming up, get something with a four-leaf clover on it... . make wishes while she's so wanting to be you apparently... . there is something in you she envies, wants to be, whatever... . but she's making that your problem with her sick crap.

And when the magic wand has lost its magic... . leave.     

You did your time. 

[Louise7777]

Thanks, StarStruck. I never thought about projection. Could well be. I have read many BPDs having problems regarding their sexuality. I always explain her behaviours being caused by anger or jealousy... . Maybe she projected the "mini me" and when I refused, I turned into the scapegoat and then all the bad... .

I had tried many different approaches, even sarcasm, but nothing seemed to stop her or make the behaviour better. Ill go with the "ignoring card" from now on and leave when some unpleasant behaviour happens.

[Louise7777]

Ooops, lucyhoneychurch, we were posting at the same time. 

Thank you for your words too. Yep, I wonder what makes somebody behave that way even when in her 80´s... . Its no use trying to rationalize the irrational, but its mind-boggling anyway... .

Its plain stupid, if you ask me. If she behaved nicely, she´d get me to help her. But seems her ego is more important and she prefers to be isolated than to be nice. Granted, she has a few friends, but they arent there for long, at some point she rages or does something strange, I really dont know cause Im not there, but after some time they just vanish... .

A bead bracelet is a good idea, I have a few and Ill keep praying like its a rosary... . . My mom actually prays before going there, we both get out of balance weeks after meeting her... . May St Patrick really help me, its not an easy task!

"She is not me. I am not her. How fortunate for me, how sad for her." This is very helpful, indeed. I feel dragged and drained by her. Im nothing like her  indeed, not physically not in temper (or bad temper  )... . Another approach is the "observer approach": just "watch" her behaviour like a scientist would do, from far and detached... .

Thank you!

[StarStruck]

Great advice lucyhoneychurch  .


I think that's what happened to me... . she tried to project her crap onto me... . I didn't buy it from a young age... . and hey presto a scapegoat... . it really sucks excuse my french, I also felt that she was jealous too, especially when I look back now... . it was anything about me that was different from her.

She didn't break you though did she - Well blimin done!

Prepare which item to take, have the ignore her/scientist approach & leave if she steps over an emotional boundary... . obviously politely making your excuses (or what the hell just run like wild fire - easy for me to say).

Goodluck, keep posting.  

[Louise7777]

She is VERY jealous and envious of people. It was clear to see on her face many times. When the attention wasnt on her, she´d get angry and wouldnt hide it. If others are miserable, she´s happy. If others are sick, they got what they deserved (her words). Its very evil and mean. Surprises me that she has friends.

As family members, we let her go with a lot of terrible behaviour. Im 40 years younger than her, so when I "arrived" at the scene, the roles were already set (and well set!). Parents, siblings and other family members really fed the monster by not calling her on her behaviour. And now all of us pay the price. Shes VERY toxic.

Thanks for all the support, Ill keep you posted. The meeting is 2/ 3 weeks... .