I was so close to email or text her... I am forgetting the bad memories

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, yes this accusation of stalking is an interesting one. I was so shocked at being dumped so suddenly after nursing her back from the brink after her suicide attempt I could not fathom what had happened. So yes I tried to appeal to her, wrote poetry, sent flowers, rationalised in emails what had gone wrong and how she seemed to have misunderstood my motives. Then after discovering the BPD issues and connecting the dots I rushed round to share this new found knowledge and insight. In my niaivity I imagined she would be receptive, in fact she called the police! and i was accused of giving her ' unwanted attention' after she put me through hell with her suicide attempt just a few weeks before; but with hindsight I now think that she knows she is BPD and tries to hide it rather than deal with it. I subsequently discovered that there had been a string of guys painted black and rejected before me, some of which had had breakdowns like me. What I find hardest is if she knows she is BPD, continues to draw in and damage men for her own entertainment, then she is in fact knowingly callous! I don't want to believe this but the evidence is clear, thats what hurts the most that I was possible duped! and all the things she said were hollow as she knew how it would end. Its so confusing that sucha seemingly lovely women could be so manipulative and dress her BPD up as being the victim of love in the past.

[Calm Waters]

Hi all, yes this accusation of stalking is an interesting one. I was so shocked at being dumped so suddenly after nursing her back from the brink after her suicide attempt I could not fathom what had happened. So yes I tried to appeal to her, wrote poetry, sent flowers, rationalised in emails what had gone wrong and how she seemed to have misunderstood my motives. Then after discovering the BPD issues and connecting the dots I rushed round to share this new found knowledge and insight. In my niaivity I imagined she would be receptive, in fact she called the police! and i was accused of giving her ' unwanted attention' after she put me through hell with her suicide attempt just a few weeks before; but with hindsight I now think that she knows she is BPD and tries to hide it rather than deal with it. I subsequently discovered that there had been a string of guys painted black and rejected before me, some of which had had breakdowns like me. What I find hardest is if she knows she is BPD, continues to draw in and damage men for her own entertainment, then she is in fact knowingly callous! I don't want to believe this but the evidence is clear, thats what hurts the most that I was possible duped! and all the things she said were hollow as she knew how it would end. Its so confusing that sucha seemingly lovely women could be so manipulative and dress her BPD up as being the victim of love in the past.

[Ritchie53]

Calm Waters - I could have written exactly what you wrote, so similar.

Over-analysing my relationship, there were so many red flags and events that happened are just an amalgamation of many peoples thoughts and experiences on these boards.

Just before my discard, when the real craziness happened, she would lash out, hitting me, once attempting to phone the police when she hit me in the face and hurt her hand... . she locked herself in a room crying that her hand was broken and I attempted to console her by telling her I could not leave until I saw her hand and got medical help - she said that if I didnt leave she was calling the police, an absolute ridicluous situation to be in, bearing in mind this is at 2am in the morning when I had work at 9am and had already gone to bed at 10.30 only to be woken up with arguements at 12am.

Possibly duped? - exactly how I feel - I remember a red flag clear as day in the month February (14 months into relationship) - she went on roaccutane for spots (which can apparently cause suicidal thoughts etc for spots she didnt have?) and kept telling me look out come September when I am off these tablets and a strong minded woman again? - she stopped them aroudn June but September was the big blowout - how right she was, and makes me wonder if previous relationships lasted around that period and she knew exactly the script that would play out... .

[Allmessedup]

I miss the friendship too gw... . so so much.  The talking and laughing for hours.  She was my very best friend.  We had so much fun!

But while I too am doing fairly well... . (lots of friends now and such) I do think at least part of that friendship fell into that idealization stage.  If I look back on it, she wanted to listen and talk with me for hours. She understood me, she didn't judge me etc.

Those were all thing I was seriously wanting and that attention is what directly lead to our relationship progressing to more than friends.

By the end of the relationship however, she had no interest in talking for hours unless it was about her.  She could not understand how I felt about anything. More and more often our conversations revolved around nothing at all.

It is so sad... . so incredibly sad. And I very much wish it could be different but it can't... .

[growing_wings]

I miss the friendship too gw... . so so much.  The talking and laughing for hours.  She was my very best friend.  We had so much fun!

But while I too am doing fairly well... . (lots of friends now and such) I do think at least part of that friendship fell into that idealization stage.  If I look back on it, she wanted to listen and talk with me for hours. She understood me, she didn't judge me etc.

Those were all thing I was seriously wanting and that attention is what directly lead to our relationship progressing to more than friends.

By the end of the relationship however, she had no interest in talking for hours unless it was about her.  She could not understand how I felt about anything. More and more often our conversations revolved around nothing at all.

It is so sad... . so incredibly sad. And I very much wish it could be different but it can't... .

allmessedup... your experience could easily describe mine... . it is true... .

same happened to me, at the end, we would only talk about her, or silence... . the cold silence treatment interrupted by devaluation phases and short attempts of "i will make up for what i have done to you" type behavior where she would attempt to show she cared (and i say attempt, because now that i think about those moments, it was such a "forced" attempt empty of real feelings, it almost sounds ridiculous how she "tried" to win me back... sadly, took me sometime to realize of this and stop this cycle)

i guess the last behavior is the real one...

although i get the idealized friendship at the beginning, where i could do no wrong and i was an inch from perfect in her eyes, then the friendship grew to a mutually challenging situation where we would both hear each other points to then me agreeing to most of what she said, i couldnt dare to disagree, i knew i would have been discarded... .

typing this made me realize of that... thank you! so yes, i seem to be missing the idealized part of hte friendship... idealization is powerful drug

[seeking balance]

I dont miss the idealization stage, i think i am doing pretty well myself (much better actually, as i have friends of all sorts again)... but i miss her friendship, the sitting down for hours talking about anything and everything... .   i miss the frienship stage prior to the relationship...

So miss her - let yourself cry it out.  It is grief, it is sad and once the path has been gone down to change a friend into a lover, one of the risks is that of losing a friend.  It really is a fact and if the relationship ends, most of the time a friendship takes a long break.  IF both parties are emotionally mature a version of a friendship can come around again - but the relationship and friendship as you knew it is truly gone... . so, cry and feel sad until you don't.  No magic pill.   

when we were friends, she was better, much more centered and calmed... she was not depressed... etc...  

i will have to let that thought/idea go...   that i had a exceptional friend in her.

BPD is an attachment disorder.  Once a more intimate relationship is established, you are the trigger - the idea of you (real or perceived) abandoning or enmeshing - it is the trigger of the behavior you no longer wanted.

The kindest thing you can do for you both is to heal yourself.  I know it hurts, it is deeply sad - we are hit at our core level.

Peace,

SB

[seeking balance]

Those were all thing I was seriously wanting and that attention is what directly lead to our relationship progressing to more than friends.

I highlighted this as it is important in almost every singe person on the leaving board.  The ones who I have seen heal and move forward are the ones who really get this and work on it.  It is a loneliness (hole) in US that the pwBPD revealed - it is this that we must grieve.  Whether it is loneliness, a family, unresolved grief, feeling not enough - no matter the hole - it must be healed by US - not the presence of another 

It was there before our pwBPD came in and it is amplified now.

[growing_wings]

Those were all thing I was seriously wanting and that attention is what directly lead to our relationship progressing to more than friends.

I highlighted this as it is important in almost every singe person on the leaving board.  The ones who I have seen heal and move forward are the ones who really get this and work on it.  It is a loneliness (hole) in US that the pwBPD revealed - it is this that we must grieve.  Whether it is loneliness, a family, unresolved grief, feeling not enough - no matter the hole - it must be healed by US - not the presence of another 

It was there before our pwBPD came in and it is amplified now.

Yes SB... this is very true. I relate above to using "band aids"... . the pwBPD was a band aid for me , an easy exit at a time where i should have stood my ground more firmly... .

recognising this, grieving it, and over coming it is critical... . thanks for post