UBPD in-law causing family tensions

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

First of all, I want to express my thanks.  I found this message board last week and, coupled with reading "Walking on Eggshells," have been overwhelmed reading posts here from people who understand situations as crazy as my own.  Reading the posts here have helped me understand that I'm not alone in my struggles to make sense of BPD as it affects our family.

I'm hoping this is the right sub-forum for me.  My apologies if it's not, and I really appreciate anyone reading this long-winded post.  Part of it for me has been my attempt to validate that my feelings dealing with this person are legitimate.

My husband and I have unknowingly run head-on into an in-law with low-functioning uBPD, and I've been trying to sort and process my feelings on the subject, more specifically, whether there's anything we can do to clear things up, rekindle relationships with the rest of the family, or whether we'd want to.  I'd very much appreciate any feedback on what I can do to heal within this broken family dynamic.  I don't think that the dynamic itself can be fixed easily, but how can I accept and acknowledge this?

My history:  I've been dealing with uBPD with a different family member since I was a child.  My mother is the classic high-functioning uBPD - successful at work, but a nightmare with interpersonal family relationships.  On the outside, we looked like the perfect family: one child who had reasonably good and close ties with her parents.  On the inside, it was a nightmare.  I can't count the number of times my mother threatened to kill herself, and every family fight would descend into days of tears and threats that she wouldn't be around much longer.  I never snuck out, was the classic good kid…but yet was constantly compared to other, "more better behaved" children, and she accused me of ridiculous things - of bringing pot home from college when she found catnip in the washing machine, of sleeping with my dad (long story, but EWWWW!), etc.  You name it, I was accused of it, with her later stating that she never had accused me of anything and that I was just overly sensitive.  I've never been in trouble with the law, am a good person, and (ironically) graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League school, and to this very day, feel like I can't measure up to my mother's warped sense of perfection.  I'm a people pleaser with zero sense of self.  This was my childhood.

My father very much is the passive spouse.

I'm now a 30-something woman who is a stay-at-home mom (by choice) with a wonderful son and a fantastic husband, and yet I still feel like I don't measure up.  Lovely. 

In my 20s in the 2000s, I accepted my first full-time job with a boss who wasn't uBPD, but who was verbally and emotionally abusive to her staff.  I lasted 7 years there, feeling like the life was slowly draining out of me.  For financial reasons, leaving wasn't possible until the past 2 years. 

In 2008, I married a wonderful man whose family knows no boundaries.  Erm, let me rephrase that.  Boundaries are made to be broken.  The first time I met my future FIL, he said that his son and I could borrow his apartment "so that you can have sex."  On our wedding day at a tropical destination, he had a fake wedding to his girlfriend…after we had specifically told him that he did not want to share our day with him.  Boundaries were made to be crushed in that family - and my husband has always been entirely co-dependent and passive - so the reality that we (=I) did not accept their behaviour did not sit well with them.  We were mutually cut out, and FIL turned the in-laws against us.  As a people pleaser, I was horrified to realize that my husband's marrying me caused him to lose his family.

There was one in-law who more fully knew the situation and knew the whole family, and she's stayed by my side throughout it all.  Bless her.

Fast-forward to 2012 and onwards.  My husband and I were expecting our first child, and I finally had the wherewithal to pursue new career options while still working my old job.  My pregnancy was fraught with complications - frustrating for someone who is in good health - and I was put on bed rest.  My supervisor decided that my bed rest and ensuing maternity leave harmed her, and consequently made things as difficult as possible for me while out on leave.  I finally grew a spine and reported her to my company's HR, after which I happily resigned.  My husband received job offers north of the border, and we were excited to start life with our young infant anew. 

The area we decided to move to is a large metropolitan area with opportunities for both of us.  We were thrilled, but the move was exhausting.  In a little under a year, we had our first child, had both quit our jobs, had moved internationally 3000+ miles away, and I was also adjusting to the change from being a working girl to a stay-at-home mom.  Over the summer, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I see a counsellor regularly.

Our new metropolitan area also was the home to FIL's brother, his wife, their two late teens/20-something sons and her mother.  This was family who, a few years earlier, had sided with FIL when he demanded an apology from us with respect to our wedding day. 

Despite the warning signs, the family was thrilled that we were moving closer to them with the baby in tow, and went out of their way to assist us.  The few months before and after our move, everything was great.  They helped us find an apartment, settle in and generally establish ourselves once we arrived.  AIL (aunt-in-law) was instrumental in helping us finally find a resolution with FIL for his actions on our wedding day and in acting as the mediator in working with our realtor to sell our old home.  She reiterated to us repeatedly how everything was safe with her and that we could share anything with her.  We felt taken care of and like we had family; she was like our local mom.  It was nice.

AIL does not work and has weekly bouts of illness.  She is the one who we believe suffers from low-functioning uBPD.  Three months after we arrived, our relationship headed south.  I'm not sure how or what to post about what has happened, but here is a nutshell:

-We called on her 19-year-old once when we were new to the area and stranded at a supermarket in the middle of a long rainstorm without a car.  He was on his way to pick us up when AIL called us, hysterical that we would dare ask him to help us without consulting with her.  He drove home to console her, and we ended up walking our infant home in the pouring cold rain.  We ended up apologizing to her for our selfishness in asking her son to help us.

-AIL and UIL travel frequently over the summer, and AIL began contacting us hysterical when she hadn't heard from us in a few days.  The hysterics quickly changed from just fear to anger that we hadn't contacted her appropriately.  At one point, she texted my husband out of the blue and informed him that his lack of reaching out to her over the past few weeks was unacceptable, "that's not how you treat family."  Ironically, she had been out of town and we'd had 4 sets of visitors in town during that same time frame.

-Information that we had shared with her confidentially was getting back to us from other family members.

-She started trying to triangulate between my husband and me.  We had erroneously turned to her for advice when we moved, and quickly became uncomfortable with the level of enmeshment she sought.  With time, we gently said that we needed to work out problems on our own.  She threw a fit and told us that that wasn't fair: because we had involved her in some of our earliest post-move personal issues, we needed to continue to include her.

-She repeatedly flaked out on doing things with us, but got mad when we found resolutions that didn't involve her.  One time, I asked her if she would watch my son later that week so that I could go to the dentist.  She said that she couldn't commit.  No problem - but because the appointment was scheduled for that same week, I said that I would make other arrangements.  She became hysterical towards me: "That's NOT what I meant, catgirl3!  I didn't say that I can't do it, I just can't commit."

-When her changes in plans didn't cause me to change mine to accommodate her, everything would break loose.  She cancelled on me at one point when my husband was out of town on a business trip and she knew that I was lonely/needing support.  I told her that it was fine (to flake out) but that I was disappointed; I later didn't pick up the phone so that I could have some space from her hysterics.  In total, she called and emailed 16x overnight... a night when I was on my own with my young son in a new place and scared.  When we finally talked, her narrative focused on how wrong I was not to be there for her and how she felt she had been used by me. 

-When AIL didn't get her way with me, her elderly and overbearing mother would call me up and tell me how wrong I was, how she had supported me in the past but how I'm generally disappointing her.  In each case, I told her that the issues were not up for debate.  She would railroad the conversation until I finally cut her off.   This happened on multiple occasions.

-AIL called us in tears because she had decided to separate from her husband.  She didn't want to share it with us, but…he was just being so mean, and was acting in a way that her visiting young niece should never see adults behave.  I have no idea what happened later on with this.  I guess it blew over.  As far as we know, they're still married.

-AIL and even AIL's mom would call my husband repeatedly while he was at work so that they could discuss personal issues with him.

-She spread rumours about us to other family members, based on what I assume are her truths.  Even FIL came forward and said that AIL had shared certain things about us.

One of the kickers that didn't involve us directly, but enabled us to see that something was seriously wrong:

-AIL threw a tantrum while we were all enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon in a public park while FIL and his wife were visiting.  She got it into her head that we needed to change our plans to do something else…right then and there.  Her husband said that he could accommodate her the next day, but she went ballistic.  She accused her husband of being mean to her and called up her son to demand that he drive 1 hr each way to pick her up.  AIL then went to the car and pouted while the rest of us attempted to pick up the pieces of what had been a nice afternoon.  I don't know how she got home.  She sent us an email the next day apologizing for her behaviour, which she outlined was due to just not accepting more of UIL's "nonsense."

This was all in a 3-month window, when we'd been in our new place less than 6 months.  We realized that we needed distance, and I stopped picking up my cell phone when she called.  I realize in retrospect that this is NOT how I should have handled a situation with a BPD, but I didn't realize it then and needed to do whatever I could to protect myself. I was becoming an emotional wreck, felt like I was going crazy, and felt like everything I was doing was offending her and not good enough.  It reminded me of my childhood with my mom, and I wanted no part in it.  My counsellor also saw the resemblance between my childhood issues and the relationship that AIL was trying to form with me.

My husband's one kind relative was the one who finally clued me in on AIL.  She told me to keep my distance from both AIL and her mom, that both are disasters who will suck the blood out of me.  Apparently this is common knowledge and they have a history of doing so.  Bless this relative.

[catgirl3]

Hi all,

First of all, I want to express my thanks.  I found this message board last week and, coupled with reading "Walking on Eggshells," have been overwhelmed reading posts here from people who understand situations as crazy as my own.  Reading the posts here have helped me understand that I'm not alone in my struggles to make sense of BPD as it affects our family.

I'm hoping this is the right sub-forum for me.  My apologies if it's not, and I really appreciate anyone reading this long-winded post.  Part of it for me has been my attempt to validate that my feelings dealing with this person are legitimate.

My husband and I have unknowingly run head-on into an in-law with low-functioning uBPD, and I've been trying to sort and process my feelings on the subject, more specifically, whether there's anything we can do to clear things up, rekindle relationships with the rest of the family, or whether we'd want to.  I'd very much appreciate any feedback on what I can do to heal within this broken family dynamic.  I don't think that the dynamic itself can be fixed easily, but how can I accept and acknowledge this?

My history:  I've been dealing with uBPD with a different family member since I was a child.  My mother is the classic high-functioning uBPD - successful at work, but a nightmare with interpersonal family relationships.  On the outside, we looked like the perfect family: one child who had reasonably good and close ties with her parents.  On the inside, it was a nightmare.  I can't count the number of times my mother threatened to kill herself, and every family fight would descend into days of tears and threats that she wouldn't be around much longer.  I never snuck out, was the classic good kid…but yet was constantly compared to other, "more better behaved" children, and she accused me of ridiculous things - of bringing pot home from college when she found catnip in the washing machine, of sleeping with my dad (long story, but EWWWW!), etc.  You name it, I was accused of it, with her later stating that she never had accused me of anything and that I was just overly sensitive.  I've never been in trouble with the law, am a good person, and (ironically) graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League school, and to this very day, feel like I can't measure up to my mother's warped sense of perfection.  I'm a people pleaser with zero sense of self.  This was my childhood.

My father very much is the passive spouse.

I'm now a 30-something woman who is a stay-at-home mom (by choice) with a wonderful son and a fantastic husband, and yet I still feel like I don't measure up.  Lovely. 

In my 20s in the 2000s, I accepted my first full-time job with a boss who wasn't uBPD, but who was verbally and emotionally abusive to her staff.  I lasted 7 years there, feeling like the life was slowly draining out of me.  For financial reasons, leaving wasn't possible until the past 2 years. 

In 2008, I married a wonderful man whose family knows no boundaries.  Erm, let me rephrase that.  Boundaries are made to be broken.  The first time I met my future FIL, he said that his son and I could borrow his apartment "so that you can have sex."  On our wedding day at a tropical destination, he had a fake wedding to his girlfriend…after we had specifically told him that he did not want to share our day with him.  Boundaries were made to be crushed in that family - and my husband has always been entirely co-dependent and passive - so the reality that we (=I) did not accept their behaviour did not sit well with them.  We were mutually cut out, and FIL turned the in-laws against us.  As a people pleaser, I was horrified to realize that my husband's marrying me caused him to lose his family.

There was one in-law who more fully knew the situation and knew the whole family, and she's stayed by my side throughout it all.  Bless her.

Fast-forward to 2012 and onwards.  My husband and I were expecting our first child, and I finally had the wherewithal to pursue new career options while still working my old job.  My pregnancy was fraught with complications - frustrating for someone who is in good health - and I was put on bed rest.  My supervisor decided that my bed rest and ensuing maternity leave harmed her, and consequently made things as difficult as possible for me while out on leave.  I finally grew a spine and reported her to my company's HR, after which I happily resigned.  My husband received job offers north of the border, and we were excited to start life with our young infant anew. 

The area we decided to move to is a large metropolitan area with opportunities for both of us.  We were thrilled, but the move was exhausting.  In a little under a year, we had our first child, had both quit our jobs, had moved internationally 3000+ miles away, and I was also adjusting to the change from being a working girl to a stay-at-home mom.  Over the summer, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I see a counsellor regularly.

Our new metropolitan area also was the home to FIL's brother, his wife, their two late teens/20-something sons and her mother.  This was family who, a few years earlier, had sided with FIL when he demanded an apology from us with respect to our wedding day. 

Despite the warning signs, the family was thrilled that we were moving closer to them with the baby in tow, and went out of their way to assist us.  The few months before and after our move, everything was great.  They helped us find an apartment, settle in and generally establish ourselves once we arrived.  AIL (aunt-in-law) was instrumental in helping us finally find a resolution with FIL for his actions on our wedding day and in acting as the mediator in working with our realtor to sell our old home.  She reiterated to us repeatedly how everything was safe with her and that we could share anything with her.  We felt taken care of and like we had family; she was like our local mom.  It was nice.

AIL does not work and has weekly bouts of illness.  She is the one who we believe suffers from low-functioning uBPD.  Three months after we arrived, our relationship headed south.  I'm not sure how or what to post about what has happened, but here is a nutshell:

-We called on her 19-year-old once when we were new to the area and stranded at a supermarket in the middle of a long rainstorm without a car.  He was on his way to pick us up when AIL called us, hysterical that we would dare ask him to help us without consulting with her.  He drove home to console her, and we ended up walking our infant home in the pouring cold rain.  We ended up apologizing to her for our selfishness in asking her son to help us.

-AIL and UIL travel frequently over the summer, and AIL began contacting us hysterical when she hadn't heard from us in a few days.  The hysterics quickly changed from just fear to anger that we hadn't contacted her appropriately.  At one point, she texted my husband out of the blue and informed him that his lack of reaching out to her over the past few weeks was unacceptable, "that's not how you treat family."  Ironically, she had been out of town and we'd had 4 sets of visitors in town during that same time frame.

-Information that we had shared with her confidentially was getting back to us from other family members.

-She started trying to triangulate between my husband and me.  We had erroneously turned to her for advice when we moved, and quickly became uncomfortable with the level of enmeshment she sought.  With time, we gently said that we needed to work out problems on our own.  She threw a fit and told us that that wasn't fair: because we had involved her in some of our earliest post-move personal issues, we needed to continue to include her.

-She repeatedly flaked out on doing things with us, but got mad when we found resolutions that didn't involve her.  One time, I asked her if she would watch my son later that week so that I could go to the dentist.  She said that she couldn't commit.  No problem - but because the appointment was scheduled for that same week, I said that I would make other arrangements.  She became hysterical towards me: "That's NOT what I meant, catgirl3!  I didn't say that I can't do it, I just can't commit."

-When her changes in plans didn't cause me to change mine to accommodate her, everything would break loose.  She cancelled on me at one point when my husband was out of town on a business trip and she knew that I was lonely/needing support.  I told her that it was fine (to flake out) but that I was disappointed; I later didn't pick up the phone so that I could have some space from her hysterics.  In total, she called and emailed 16x overnight... a night when I was on my own with my young son in a new place and scared.  When we finally talked, her narrative focused on how wrong I was not to be there for her and how she felt she had been used by me. 

-When AIL didn't get her way with me, her elderly and overbearing mother would call me up and tell me how wrong I was, how she had supported me in the past but how I'm generally disappointing her.  In each case, I told her that the issues were not up for debate.  She would railroad the conversation until I finally cut her off.   This happened on multiple occasions.

-AIL called us in tears because she had decided to separate from her husband.  She didn't want to share it with us, but…he was just being so mean, and was acting in a way that her visiting young niece should never see adults behave.  I have no idea what happened later on with this.  I guess it blew over.  As far as we know, they're still married.

-AIL and even AIL's mom would call my husband repeatedly while he was at work so that they could discuss personal issues with him.

-She spread rumours about us to other family members, based on what I assume are her truths.  Even FIL came forward and said that AIL had shared certain things about us.

One of the kickers that didn't involve us directly, but enabled us to see that something was seriously wrong:

-AIL threw a tantrum while we were all enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon in a public park while FIL and his wife were visiting.  She got it into her head that we needed to change our plans to do something else…right then and there.  Her husband said that he could accommodate her the next day, but she went ballistic.  She accused her husband of being mean to her and called up her son to demand that he drive 1 hr each way to pick her up.  AIL then went to the car and pouted while the rest of us attempted to pick up the pieces of what had been a nice afternoon.  I don't know how she got home.  She sent us an email the next day apologizing for her behaviour, which she outlined was due to just not accepting more of UIL's "nonsense."

This was all in a 3-month window, when we'd been in our new place less than 6 months.  We realized that we needed distance, and I stopped picking up my cell phone when she called.  I realize in retrospect that this is NOT how I should have handled a situation with a BPD, but I didn't realize it then and needed to do whatever I could to protect myself. I was becoming an emotional wreck, felt like I was going crazy, and felt like everything I was doing was offending her and not good enough.  It reminded me of my childhood with my mom, and I wanted no part in it.  My counsellor also saw the resemblance between my childhood issues and the relationship that AIL was trying to form with me.

My husband's one kind relative was the one who finally clued me in on AIL.  She told me to keep my distance from both AIL and her mom, that both are disasters who will suck the blood out of me.  Apparently this is common knowledge and they have a history of doing so.  Bless this relative.

[catgirl3]

In September - we'd been here 6 months - AIL invited me to join her for a picnic together.  I politely declined her increasingly agitated invites for this picnic that she'd become fixated on, to which she finally said "Fine, catgirl3.  Just know that I tried."  Two days later, both AIL and AIL's mom declined their invite to my son's first birthday party on the basis of "We just don't feel comfortable."  We assured them that if their plans changed, they were more than welcome to attend the party.  On his birthday, AIL sent a heavily guilt-laden email to my son via my email account stating how much they loved him, missed him and hoped they would see him soon.  Never mind that she was the one who had cancelled.

I began managing my relationship with her via email instead of phone.  As a coping mechanism in my old job, I had learnt that having a written record of conversations was important with someone who had a history of changing things.  AIL was not happy that she couldn't have non-stop cell access to me.  She called me frequently, jamming up my cell phone and using all of the allotted voice mail message space my cell phone company provided to me.  After she realized that I was not picking up when her number came through, she blocked her number and continued to call me relentlessly, up to 3x per hour.  I finally changed my number.

Until this point, my husband had been maintaining a limited phone conversation with AIL.  As she was continuing to suck up his work time with her drama and attempt to come between us, my husband finally told her directly that we needed space to work out our personal issues.  According to my husband, AIL flew off the handle at the news that we needed space, saying that we didn't have that right and how dare us.  The next day she called him and said that it was fine.  This was probably mid-late October.

By this point, with the rumours flying and with my pretty fragile emotional state/personal relationship with my husband, I decided to pull back fully from a personal relationship with AIL.  She was the biggest source of the crazy-making I was feeling, and every mention of her was raising my anxiety.  In December, she got insulted because I didn't profusely acknowledge the in-laws in the holiday newsletter I'd sent to our friends and family back home.  FIL shared with my husband that AIL was insulted at us on behalf of the entire family.

And yet, despite all of this, we spent the fall and winter thinking we could have a limited and more neutral relationship with her.  I guess we had no way of knowing how much the "all or nothing" mentality would take over.   As fall and winter progressed, we had invited AIL and her family (through AIL) to around 10 different events - specific events, open-ended dinner invites, etc.  All of the invites went ignored.  Amusingly enough, not a day after I'd sent her one in October, AIL had lamented to my husband how cruel I was, that she never heard from me and never got invited anywhere.  He chuckled internally.

Anyway, we haven't heard from her since; it's been 7 months since we've seen any of her family.  Her co-dependent husband won't speak to my husband, his only biological nephew; her two sons aren't permitted to spend time with us because it will hurt her too much.  The 23-year-old has cut off all contact with us.  I can't imagine what rumours have been spread, particularly when coupled with the disastrous craziness at our wedding 6 years ago.  We still send pics and invites, and they still go unanswered.  I'm pretty sure we're the black sheep for not just accepting the family dynamics.

So my question: is there anything we (or I) can or should do moving forward?  I realize that slowly cutting off more and more contact with AIL wasn't ideal for someone with BPD, and she indeed became more hysterical the more we set up boundaries with her.  We also could have been more effective at clearly stating the boundaries and reiterating them.  However, we were in an incredibly fragile state at that point, and I don't think we could have lasted much longer (as a couple or as individuals) in the non-stop drama and enmeshment that was being created.  I guess it's selfish, but we needed space. 

We just didn't realize that our needing to have lives autonomous from hers would cause the downfall of our relationships with the rest of the family.  We miss the family, and as a people-pleaser, the realization that doing what's best for my husband and me has caused such tensions doesn't sit well.  Whether it was not wanting to share our wedding day with my FIL's own wedding, not being willing to become co-dependent or needing some space from AIL, our (=my) boundaries have apparently caused big divisions within this family.  My husband is great and backs me up 100%, but the reality is that if we hadn't married, he still would have been completely enmeshed in this suffocating family.

Where on earth do we go from here?  I realize that I'm the black sheep, scape goat, what you will.  Unless I capitulate to AIL's demands, I'm uncertain how that will change.  How do I accept this and give myself peace for not screwing up the family?

[PrettyPlease]

"Heaven gives you a form and you wear it out by pointless argument."

Nice finishing quote to that loong story catgirl3!   

... . I don't think we could have lasted much longer (as a couple or as individuals) in the non-stop drama and enmeshment that was being created.  I guess it's selfish, but we needed space.

But no. Your story tells of space that was genuinely yours, not selfish space, being appropriated by an obviously sick person. No, everybody needed you to have that space. Some of them just didn't realize it.   

... . the reality is that if we hadn't married, he still would have been completely enmeshed in this suffocating family.

Yes.

Where on earth do we go from here?  I realize that I'm the black sheep, scape goat, what you will.

Depends on where you stand, though, doesn't it? To healthy people, to therapists, to people on this site, that family is the black sheep of the society, and you're an unfortunate white sheep who has gotten muddled up with them.

I admit it complicates things that your husband is related to them, but... . he seems happy enough to be out -- it seems like it's your issues you're describing here, right? Which is as it should be.

So... . the parallel between your own FOO and the AIL, the cow-towing, the feeling the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) -- all this needs working on. And there are plenty of resources here about that, plenty of people here who have been through it.

How do I accept this and give myself peace for not screwing up the family?

This is a complicated sentence,-- to me ambiguous. Did you screw up a family? Which family?

All I can see from your story is that you took a little longer than you're comfortable with in exerting your healthy boundaries -- but you did it. That's screwing up a family?

AIL, now, we could talk about AIL screwing up families. But there's no point in going there either, since AIL clearly has some sort of PD and is, frankly, a tragic person. We hope she gets some help. But that's not your responsibility. You have a self, and a husband, and a child, (and probably others) who you must tend to first. AIL wanted to be before all of those. Not healthy.

Certainly, one can imagine having done a better job -- and maybe looking at and trying out the SET (support, empathy, truth) protocol will allow things to run smoother in future. But even with SET that might not happen. It's entirely possible that there's nothing you can do about it, or could have done about it -- if AIL has BPD and splits you black, it's not about you, it's about her internal process. You're just a foil. Maybe you can learn how to be smoother at being a foil. But it might not matter. And it's just as important to learn when to say 'enough of this, I have to get on with my life' -- as you have done.



PP

[catgirl3]

Hi PrettyPlease,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and comment on it.   

I really appreciate the suggestions you've made in your post.  You're correct that my husband seems to be okay with things; he's not happy to have lost his relationship with his family, but accepts it.  I'm the one who struggles with it.  I like the idea of turning to the FOG resources here and will take a look.

In terms of screwing up the family, it feels like I was the one at fault because I am the person who won't simply accept inappropriate behaviour.  In both my husband's family and mine, that's the MO.  I can't count the number of times I've heard that it's just best to give in and give up because not doing so will cause too many tensions. 

…and yet I'm also learning that it's okay to say that I'm not willing to accept it.  Somewhere along my path to adulthood, I learned that it was not acceptable for me to have personal boundaries.  I realize this goes somewhat against the paragraph above, but even though I know AIL has crossed my boundaries internally, it's a struggle for me to say that. 

I'm going to take a look at SET in the hopes that any future interactions can go smoother.  It'll be interesting to see if I've been split black.

It's a shame.  She was quite sweet for the first few months.  It's a shame she's not the person I initially thought she was.

Thanks again, Pretty Please.   

[Louise7777]

Im sorry you are going through this, catgirl3. I have relatives that are uBPD. Its a nightmare.

You didnt do anything wrong. You just wanted reasonable things, but thats not possible with them. Long story short, its your husband´s family and he´s fine with cutting off relations. If be VERY grateful and follow his lead. Close the door. You have the opportunity now, dont miss it. If you allow them back again, they may ruin your marriage. They use the "divide and conquer" technique.

Im supposed to meet my uBPD in a family gathering and Im already stressed. So, I mostly advice people to run to the hills, whenever possible... .

[catgirl3]

Thanks, Louise.  I'm sorry that you've gone through similar issues with your uBPD family members. 

I like your suggestion to follow his lead and just close the door.  When I think back to last summer, AIL was starting the "divide and conquer" routine…telling us both that she kept things confidential but then trying to cause drama between us.  Her pattern became even more noticeable in the fall, when she used to regularly call up my husband lamenting about my behaviour.  Not cool!

I think with time, I'll come to terms that our family isn't what we wanted, and that AIL has ultimately given us a gift.  Letting her in now that she's mad at us would be even more dangerous than it was back when we were on speaking terms.

Thanks, Louise.  Best wishes with your family.