Positive steps forward

[PinkPoker]

So I've made a few posts regarding my friend who I believe to have BPD traits... .

Well… just over a week ago he was supposed to come out drinking with a group of us. We knew he’d be late if he did come out and low and behold he rang a friend at 10:30pm saying he’s just getting changed then he’d be out.  Well… half an hour or so later I received a text saying he was really sorry he could not come out (something to do with his mum) and to make it up to ME he’d take me out for dinner.  (he actually said sorry)

Now that has NEVER happened before.  So, on Wednesday evening when I saw him at a social thing I never mentioned it and then he turned round to me and said ‘so dinner tomorrow?’  I was taken back.  I laughed and then said ‘I didn’t think you actually meant it’. So we arranged to meet the next day at 12:30. The next day came and he texted at 11:30 saying he’d a late night and could we rearrange (I was expecting this).  He said 'sorry' again. So we rearranged for the next day.  It did actually happen! 

He made sure I got there first and then he walked in (scared I wouldn’t turn up I think).  We sat inside for a bit and the conversation took a while to get started. Then he wanted to sit outside.  So we did… I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went but it was the most open and honest conversation I’d ever had with him.  He told me he had good and bad days. He said that unlike anyone else I’d managed to worm myself in.   

I basically said because I hadn’t given up on him and I hope he knows that if anyone else had treated me the way he had I wouldn’t still be talking to them.  He nodded in agreement.

He mentioned how he’d lived his life and he’s having to face facts that he’d be alone. I was quite brash with him and said he couldn’t expect to have a relationship with anyone else whilst he was still in love with another girl and I told him ‘you can’t love two people’.  He looked a bit shocked when I said this. Like he couldn’t comprehend it. "Yes I can". But I wasn’t having any of it and said it wouldn’t be fair if you ever had an argument you’d say you never loved that person anyway and you loved the other girl.   He said he would never do that. Then later on he said he was over the other girl.

I told him that some people like the chase and then they get what they want and they don’t want it anymore.  He said he never chases. Which is true. He expects the other person to do all the running.  He did also say he didn’t want to be someone’s’ security blanket. Which is a fair comment.  I  believe this whole conversation related to him and I. He has every right to feel wary considering the fact I am still in a relationship.

One minute he was saying he didn’t think he could have a relationship. Then he was saying he could.  He was saying he couldn’t plan ahead. I asked him where did he see himself in five years time. He said he couldn’t see himself anywhere in days let alone years. 

I told him that I always knew there was something and every time I thought I was getting steps closer we’d end up going backwards again.    I asked him about getting a job. He said he didn’t think he’d be able to hold one down. He was so brutally honest. It was unbelievable. I wanted to say so much but I was worried what might trigger or upset him. He did say I should say what I want to him whilst I have him in the right mood as he might not be like this again for a while.

He indicated he was scared of rejection and there was other things from his past, not just relationships… I touched his arm and told him he didn’t need to tell me anymore. Him just being here today was a massive step for him.

So things are looking up BUT I am very apprehensive and almost putting my own barriers up. Because in the past he's given me the silent treatment (2 months) and bad mouthed me.  I'm concerned about letting him back in again and the same things happening. But perhaps now he's opened up to me it means he will tell me if I've upset him rather than punish me in other ways.

He didn’t actually buy my dinner in the end so I’ve said he’ll have to take me out again… watch this space... :-)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FigureIt]

After being in my relationship for 3 years and looking back. If I would've read the red flags I should not have continued the relationship. My SO has admitted multiple times how he is different, etc. yet has still done nothing to fix/get counseling for himself.  And many many times I am "blamed" for being me.

If you are already in a relationship I would stick with that and maybe just remain friends.  In my opinion and experience I would not take it to the next level.  No matter how much you give, they don't see it, don't give back in return, and only want more.