Triggered knowing that replacement is being included in family events

[Popcorn71]

Today is my exBPDh's grand-daughter's birthday.  She was born whilst my ex's daughter was living with us and I helped them a lot when she was a baby.  Obviously I grew to be quite fond of the little girl.

However, 4 years ago, there was a dispute between myself and my ex's daughter and she cut me out of their lives.  Looking back, my ex did nothing to help this situation and in fact I think made it worse by telling his daughter that I had said things I hadn't said.  Anyway, since then I was 'banned' from any events such as birthday parties etc. for his grand-daughter and he used this as an excuse not to attend either, when he actually didn't really want to go because this was not the sort of event he enjoyed.

Today, I saw a comment on facebook about a family evening out for his grand-daughter's birthday.  It mentioned that my ex would be there with the replacement.  This really hurt me and I feel upset now.

I know he has a life with her now and has done so for the past 6 months, so this shouldn't bother me at all.  But this almost hurt as much as when I first found out he was with her.  Only a few years ago, this child was living here and we were all one big happy family.  Now he is doing what I encouraged him to do - spend time with his children - when he wouldn't do that with me and I believe, set up a situation (the argument with his daughter) so that he could blame me that he didn't go to parties, etc.  When we were together I tried to get him to have the child to stay over with us and he wouldn't give up his saturday night out to do this.  He just refused to have the family life I tried and tried to create.  Now it seems that he is giving the replacement the life I wanted.  Why wouldn't he make that effort for me?

[seeking balance]

Sorry you are struggling popcorn... . sometimes ignorance of our ex's events helps in giving us the healing space we really do need.

  Now it seems that he is giving the replacement the life I wanted.  Why wouldn't he make that effort for me?

This woman has been around a short period of time... . you had good times too, right?  Based on this post, you were close to the daughter and grand-daughter at one point too.

It is important to not let ourselves get into black/white thinking as we heal.  Comparing ourselves to the other is only going to hurt us more. 

I am sure it is sad that you are not invited and feels unfair - it is unfair... . sometimes we have to let go so we can build a new life... . it is hard and scary, but necessary to let go and move forward.

You will be ok, but this is tear-worthy for sure - it is sad.   

Peace,

SB

[Ironmanrises]

The same thing will eventually happen to the replacement that happened to you. BPD is a cycle of behavior. You can see the same story strewn all over this forum. Whether its shorter or longer duration, same outcome. You will see. How do I know what will happen to my replacement? Because I experienced her behavior in friendship, in round 1 of relationship, and round 2 of relationship. Outcome at the end of each of those? DISCARD. By her. Does that lessen the hurt? No. But it does help me see, that it wasn't me. It isn't you, either.

[Popcorn71]

This woman has been around a short period of time... . you had good times too, right?  Based on this post, you were close to the daughter and grand-daughter at one point too.

Yes, we did have good times and maybe this is why it hurts now.  This is almost an exact copy of one of our good times.  We held a party for his grand-daughter on her 2nd birthday.  His ex wife and her new partner attended and the whole set up felt weird as they stayed after everyone else left and my ex and her kept reminiscing about the past.  He always wanted me to be too friendly with his ex wife and I was totally uncomfortable with it.  Now, the replacement is being put in this situation.  She is having to attend the party and it appears that his ex wife is trying to befriend her too.

Urggghhh, I find that to be very strange!  But now I can see, even our 'good times' were tainted with weirdness.

The same thing will eventually happen to the replacement that happened to you. BPD is a cycle of behavior. You can see the same story strewn all over this forum. Whether its shorter or longer duration, same outcome. You will see. How do I know what will happen to my replacement? Because I experienced her behavior in friendship, in round 1 of relationship, and round 2 of relationship. Outcome at the end of each of those? DISCARD. By her. Does that lessen the hurt? No. But it does help me see, that it wasn't me. It isn't you, either.

I guess that's what I need to know - that it isn't me.  I am really beginning to think it must be me.  I am the one that can't get over this.  I am the one who hasn't moved on.  I am the one who is still half living in the past and wishing it was still a couple of years ago when I was 'happy' in our marriage.

How come he's living the normal life, while I can't get on with mine?  I feel that somehow, it must be my fault.

[seeking balance]

How come he's living the normal life, while I can't get on with mine?  I feel that somehow, it must be my fault.

This forum is called bpdfamily.com - the facts are how I depersonalized this so I could heal.  One of the best tools is always available to you.

Take a look at article 9 - 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

I guarantee one or more of these has a hold of you right now - which one is it?  Tell us here so you can process the false belief and replace it with facts.

[Dutched]

I understand an feel your inner struggle, it is so hard to overcome. Special the part of the family break up an the live long consequences. It is 3 yrs later now, S 19 lives with me, D22 doesn’t want to see me anymore. 

Maybe a part of what I did (better needed to do to find some inner peace) can help you.

My family was my most precious in my life, +30 yrs together. After such a long time and within a few yrs. time would have come to enjoy being grandparents

Why, why and why couldn’t she, was the question I repeatedly asked my self for a few years.

In these r/s the partner (you, me, we on this Board) try to compensate towards the kids, being there, advising, raising, holding the family values and keeping it together, by lack of the other.

Pay attention to this role in the r/s, that is important to discover yourself again, who you were before the r/s and during the r/s.  It is sometimes hard to acknowledge but helps awareness.

Although I was/am strong had/have boundaries, strong values, etc. still for a 5 yrs. of my r/s I was sucked into that emotional rollercoaster, focussing to much on the wellbeing of my kids, even hers, losing myself in the meantime!

As powerful said by Ironman, “it is not you”.

I admit, in stead of to react on a message on the Board, I react on my laptop… just to process pain and as I think it wouldn’t help others to move forward without falling into clichés. 

Pain?  Yes I still feel the pain daily (as far I know I am not even replaced (yet).  As SB said, it is unfair. But admit the pain, feel it, take time. Doesn’t matter those bad days, stay on that couch, do nothing. It is processing, more and more you will see a different light again.  You are important, only you.

We move forward, only not fast as we process feelings of an intense r/s in a healthy way, that takes time.

And, I think they can’t keep up appearances, so in time they will fall back in that  old behaviour

[Popcorn71]

How come he's living the normal life, while I can't get on with mine?  I feel that somehow, it must be my fault.

This forum is called bpdfamily.com - the facts are how I depersonalized this so I could heal.  One of the best tools is always available to you.

Take a look at article 9 - 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

I guarantee one or more of these has a hold of you right now - which one is it?  Tell us here so you can process the false belief and replace it with facts.

I read the article and identify 3, 4 and 6.

We had no problems between us.  My son was the problem according to my ex.

I really loved my ex and despite having real trouble trusting men, I trusted him totally and believed he loved me as much, if not more.

The loving words and promises he told me permanently go through my mind. I thought he was being honest with me. I believed him.

[Ironmanrises]

This woman has been around a short period of time... . you had good times too, right?  Based on this post, you were close to the daughter and grand-daughter at one point too.

Yes, we did have good times and maybe this is why it hurts now.  This is almost an exact copy of one of our good times.  We held a party for his grand-daughter on her 2nd birthday.  His ex wife and her new partner attended and the whole set up felt weird as they stayed after everyone else left and my ex and her kept reminiscing about the past.  He always wanted me to be too friendly with his ex wife and I was totally uncomfortable with it.  Now, the replacement is being put in this situation.  She is having to attend the party and it appears that his ex wife is trying to befriend her too.

Urggghhh, I find that to be very strange!  But now I can see, even our 'good times' were tainted with weirdness.

The same thing will eventually happen to the replacement that happened to you. BPD is a cycle of behavior. You can see the same story strewn all over this forum. Whether its shorter or longer duration, same outcome. You will see. How do I know what will happen to my replacement? Because I experienced her behavior in friendship, in round 1 of relationship, and round 2 of relationship. Outcome at the end of each of those? DISCARD. By her. Does that lessen the hurt? No. But it does help me see, that it wasn't me. It isn't you, either.

I guess that's what I need to know - that it isn't me.  I am really beginning to think it must be me.  I am the one that can't get over this.  I am the one who hasn't moved on.  I am the one who is still half living in the past and wishing it was still a couple of years ago when I was 'happy' in our marriage.

How come he's living the normal life, while I can't get on with mine?  I feel that somehow, it must be my fault.

He isn't living a normal life. BPD is anything but normal. His life is a repetition of destructive behavior to those whom he cultivates/and or has cultivated a relationship with. You even mentioned "this is an exact copy of one of our good times."    That is one of the things that is literally showing you part of that cycle. You know what will follow. You experienced it. The replacement will too. Now whether that is shorter or longer duration than your relationship, is to be determined. But it will happen.

A pwBPD does not properly grieve the ending of a relationship. It is why it almost appears that, that person is able to move on so quickly, while we are stuck still grieving. Grieving the end of a relationship is essential, healthy. Not doing so is clearly not healthy. You can see the distinction. I see it with my exUBPDgf(from what I was told) now that she is with someone else. She never grieved the ending of the relationship and had my replacement lined up all along. Is that healthy? Absolutely not. It gives her a temporary relief to not have to face the horrendous behavior she heaped upon me in devaluation and discard(times 2). What better way to do that than get loads of validation from my replacement to mask that. That relationship will falter too. Why would it not? She is still disordered. That hasn't changed. Neither will her behavior. The final nail in the conformation of this will be when she directly contacts me in the aftermath.

[seeking balance]

I read the article and identify 3, 4 and 6.

Tell me more about 3, 4 & 6 - specifically what in each has you stuck and specifically what fact can you pull from to "retrain" your brain in processing this triggering emotions from "I am the problem, I am a victim" to "BPD is a mental illness and the facts are... . xyz"

[arn131arn]

My son's mother introduced our son to my replacement less than a month of breaking up with me.

I was full of fear, self-doubt, and pity. I could see my replacement throwing the baseball with my son in the front yard, laughing, teaching him how to grip a two-seam fastball.

Talk about putting myself through mind f**k torture... . but the thing is... .

It was all fabricated in my mind.  My replacement and son's mother stick my son in front of a television and IGNORE him!  My replacement has never and will probably never go to any of my son's games.  I see my son, and how he needs me now more than ever.  How he wants to cuddle while we watch movies, how he showers me with kisses, and how he tells me how much fun he has with me.  Because now his mother has a new agenda, and it's not him... . but when I'm with him... .

I make it ALL about him... . everything we do.  I tell him how lucky I am to have him in my life because I believe his grandmother is BPD and I know for a fact, when left with her, she is not showering him with love and affection... . Her mother is without a doubt the most bitter woman, never expresses any type of love, and I have even seen her rage on other grandchildren.  It scares the bejesus out of me, that that is who is taking care of my child most of the time when he is not with me; I would rather be eating a big heaping portion of fart pie with s**t ice cream than be with that woman... . but all I can do is be his rock, his anchor, his port in the storm, his lighthouse.

I guess from all this rambling, I am trying to get to a point.  Looks are deceiving, and fear can bring us down paths that are simply NOT true... . not even close.  Think about it, 99.9% of the time I was scared of something, it never came true... . I never experienced it.  I thought I would never see my son again, but I get to... . anybody that knows me cannot believe the grace I am getting from God right now, as it pertains to my boy.

And the biggest thing on Facebook, is that it should really be called FAKEBOOK!  Nobody is sad on FB, everyone is soo happy.  Look at people whose family members just died, it's always a post saying that the person died, but they are happy because that person is in a better place or they learned so much from them... . blah, blah, blah  

My ex is behaving the same way with my replacement as she did with me... . tick tock... . tick tock... . I am growing, in the other direction.  My guess is, when I plateau, I will no longer even be attracted to her.

Popcorn, stay strong, butter yourself up, girl.  Pour some peanut M&M's in your bag, those go great with salt and butter... .

Arn

[fuzz]

"He always wanted me to be too friendly with his ex wife and I was totally uncomfortable with it."

To quote (not sure how to highlight etc.)

It was the same for me too, and my xBPDbf also was still friends with one of his former exs and expected me to not have a problem with him still being in contact, meeting up with her etc. while with me.  It was all so unbelievable that when the ex's new boyfriend stopped her seeing him,  my xbf was upset!  I was assured by mutual friends that the relationship was strictly as friends, but the emotional involvement?  Or just an attachment for his off days?

I think this goes to prove that pwBPD, do not form the bonds or have the relationships as we nons experience them.  They do not love as we do.

I am going through the same at the end of the r/s, but reading, and re-reading here, especially the Lessons, things we get stuck on, really helps to make sense of this.  Whilst the 'facts' give me a better understanding of him and the r/s, there is still pain and a lot to sift through in my head.  I too invested and tried for 3 years, and maybe there is the difference: we invest. 

 

[seeking balance]

Whilst the 'facts' give me a better understanding of him and the r/s, there is still pain and a lot to sift through in my head. 

This is a great sentence - and a fact... . we will feel pain, this pain is grief and completely necessary to feel.

Where it gets unhealthy in our own patterns of thought is when we think, "we are the problem" "they didn't love us enough" "why not me"... . this leads to unnecessary suffering which does not serve well for rebuilding our own worthiness.

[blissful_camper]

I guess that's what I need to know - that it isn't me.  I am really beginning to think it must be me.  I am the one that can't get over this.  I am the one who hasn't moved on.  I am the one who is still half living in the past and wishing it was still a couple of years ago when I was 'happy' in our marriage.

How come he's living the normal life, while I can't get on with mine?  I feel that somehow, it must be my fault.

It's not you.  It's really not.  He is replaying the only script he knows.  There's not much variation to that script. 

My ex's ex-wife sent a mutual friend to warn me about my ex.  Then the ex-wife reached out to me. When I heard her story, I knew without a doubt that he repeats the same patterns in his relationships. 

When I spoke with his ex-wife, she had been stuck for over a year wondering, and having self-doubts. She was struggling with the same question, "was it me?"  There had been no closure for her. She said "thank you for setting me free" when I confirmed that our experiences were nearly identical.  Not long after that, I began packing my bags. 

It's interesting to note that he moved on quickly from his marriage, to me.  When I left, he moved quickly (very quickly!) on to my replacement.  Same script.  Different partner. 

[blissful_camper]

Duplicate message, sorry!

[blissful_camper]

I guess that's what I need to know - that it isn't me.  I am really beginning to think it must be me.  I am the one that can't get over this.  I am the one who hasn't moved on.  I am the one who is still half living in the past and wishing it was still a couple of years ago when I was 'happy' in our marriage.

How come he's living the normal life, while I can't get on with mine?  I feel that somehow, it must be my fault.

It's not you.  It's really not.  He is replaying the only script he knows.  There's not much variation to that script. 

My ex's ex-wife sent a mutual friend to warn me about my ex.  Then the ex-wife reached out to me. When I heard her story, I knew without a doubt that he repeats the same patterns in his relationships. 

When I spoke with his ex-wife, she had been stuck for over a year wondering, and having self-doubts. She was struggling with the same question, "was it me?"  There had been no closure for her. She said "thank you for setting me free" when I confirmed that our experiences were nearly identical.  Not long after that, I began packing my bags. 

It's interesting to note that he moved on quickly from his marriage, to me.  When I left, he moved quickly (very quickly!) on to my replacement.  Same script.  Different partner. 

[Popcorn71]

I still cant get rid of this feeling that it is me with a problem. I have had 2 marriages and 6 relationships in the past 28 years. Of my exes one committed suicide (nothing to do with me a while after we split). One is still a friend hoping to rekindle our relationship after 23 years. And all others except one have gone on to have stable long term relationships. I am the one on my own who keeps being dumped. It looks to me like i am doing something wrong.

[seeking balance]

I still cant get rid of this feeling that it is me with a problem. I have had 2 marriages and 6 relationships in the past 28 years. Of my exes one committed suicide (nothing to do with me a while after we split). One is still a friend hoping to rekindle our relationship after 23 years. And all others except one have gone on to have stable long term relationships. I am the one on my own who keeps being dumped. It looks to me like i am doing something wrong.

We all have issues here and most of us go to therapy.  You have had a lot of loss in your life, perhaps therapy can help you - if you feel there is a problem, it does not hurt you to go talk to someone - honestly.    I think of therapy as having a personal trainer for your emotions.

[Popcorn71]

I agree therapy would be helpful but i cannot afford it.i am so grateful for the help and support i have from this site. I dont know where i would be without it.