When its a struggle

[rebl.brown]

Hi everyone, been reading your  blogs and they always encourage me.  Thanks for sharing.  I was wondering even though I am NC with the BPD mother and LC with the NP father at times the struggle for my own emotional health gets difficult.  I have a wonderful present.  I really do but (there's always a but) ha, I really have to work to feel like I even have a right to a life.  I don't want the crazies to win.  What ways do you guys just continue when it's gets tough, I mean tough as in old memories  trying to change old perceptions that are wrong but ingrained, old unexpressed emotions and grief that nag at you. 

Healing for me has been extremely intense for the last two years.  I wasn't able to compartmentalize my emotions anymore and was forced to deal with them and issues of sexual abuse long neglected.  I sometimes find I just want a break, I don't want to think about it anymore I really would like to be NC with the father (parents are divorced) but I can't seem to do it.  I just want them and the ghosts of all that trauma to go away and leave me alone.  Do you have any suggestions for taking a break but not letting it turn into denial and pretending again?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Grief - I think you nailed it with that one word in your question, rebl.

Grief is a process.

If it can't find its way to your vocal cords and your lungs and you just downright sob and cry, and physically purge it, it might take longer.  I have it sneak up on me, sometimes months after I've given myself a pat on the back for "holding up as well as I have" and that's not denial, but a true difference from my life back then.

But the loss - we don't have what many many people DO have.

We were robbed, cheated, I would venture to say mostly by chance and circumstance as far as our uBPD'd parent goes - if they could think with clear minds and hearts, and not from their own damage and pain, I think they would have wanted it for us differently too.

It's unfair.

I know I can revert to the perhaps childish rant, "But it's not FAIR!" and it isn't.

I spoke with a woman I treasure in my community yesterday, she shared about a grown daughter pretty much my age who she described as "different" from age 5 or so when she had her 2nd daughter. I know this woman so well, she's a blessing in my life (one of 2 "adopted" moms who tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it) and she was encouraging me about being firm with my last youngest child... . just to be steadfast, as it is what my child needs (who is a good kid, just the usual teenage stuff)... .

Her sorrow, her pain, when she was describing her oldest daughter, the *decades* lost to something she doesn't really understand, and that this ex husband, R's father, insisted wasn't a problem... . so much so that when she finally saw this woman, her daughter again, five years ago for first time in over 30 years, while her beloved 2nd husband was dying of cancer - her daughter told her, I went with the wrong parent - yet was only contacting her mother from a foreign country because she was out of funds.

The grief on my lovely friend's face, her heartache - oh I so got it, how UNFAIR.

I believe our grief can be so deep it's like our flesh... . like the skin we're in... . if we don't tap into it and let it run its course when we sense it has bubbled up again.

We need a safe place, a sanctuary, to do that.

I blew bigtime on Sunday.  Just wailed and kept saying, I am not invisible, I am not invisible, because that's how I felt two days ago.

I believe it is a struggle, as you so aptly describe it, that we will endure all our days.

Dysfunction, like my friend's daughter has brought to their family, comes from where, why are we the ones who have to navigate such troubled waters every. single. day?

Acceptance is supposed to be the final stage of grief. I don't know about that. But you might need to read as much as you can about detachment (what I call acceptance as well) and pursue a train of thought that might get harder before it gets easier.

I hope you can find solace.  You deserve it.

[StarStruck]

Hi reb.brown  - You've put your plight very clearly. You can give yourself a break by being mindful. You don't deny the thought coming in, you consider it then let it go, you don't dwell on it, so not to make it a collections of thoughts. So to conclude; you take the reminder then you chuck it out. You could do a ritual with your body at the same time, so to plant the action. & just keep practicing.

When you have given your mind a well earned break... you will hopefully feel strong enough to do the final NC. Remembering to continue being mindful with your mindful actions from the first time you begin.

You have come out of hell strong. When you master this you will be in an even greater spot. Goodluck.  

PS I'd be very interested to hear what other ideas the members have x

[Sitara]

I spend a lot of time thinking and healing. My toddler has been particularly helpful for my healing process in many ways. He's constantly giggling, happy and carefree and it's hard not to pick up on that. He does the silliest things and it's impossible not to laugh with him.

So I guess my way of taking a break is hanging around people who know how to have fun (my kids). Another way I take a break is by doing something I enjoy, like games, that are also mentally stimulating. I try to do things that engage me but also evoke a pleasant emotional reaction (i.e. kids make me feel loving, carefree and happy, games are challenging and enjoyable).

So I guess I take a break by engaging in something else instead of hiding from myself, if that makes sense.