I finally left, but struggle.

[suzy_q]

I finally left a 1.5 year chaotic relationship. Reluctantly, but I left. The twists, turns, highs, lows, insults, altercations, degradation, negativism, criticisms and 20 breakups finally reached an untenable situation. I am heartbroken as emotionally I thought she was my partner for life. The circumstances would be too lengthy to describe, but the premise is I finally left and I regretted my decision the next day. She wasn't willing to reconcile and told me to move on. I haven't seen her for a week, but we have been in communication via text and a couple of phone calls. I know it's not healthy and I should stay away, but it's very difficult. Last night via text, she tells me two days after I left she meet someone online and this woman treats her very kindly. This from the same person the week prior who said she wanted marriage with me. I finally reluctantly accepted what I should do and that is to forget about reconciliation, trying to make the relationship work and to part with no communication. She said goodbye via text and then added if I had approached her the next day after I left, she would have reconciled our relationship. She said she was waiting all week for me to return in person to ask for a reconciliation. She then followed our conversation up with a phone call to say goodbye and she was looking forward to her future. I received a text this morning from her saying she could be my friend and then invited me to join her for dinner. All of this said as if nothing had ever happened, including what I thought was deep love between us. I said I couldn't switch my emotions that quickly and it wouldn't be healthy for me due to the depth of my feelings for her. I am heartbroken, even with all the chaos. Emotionally it deeply hurts.

I know many people on this board have struggled when leaving a BPD relationship. I feel like I'm a bit untethered reflecting on everything that went on for the past 1.5 years, the craziness with all the highs and lows, but my inner thoughts finally told me enough is enough. I've read a lot of literature regarding moving on from a BPD relationship, some of it clinical, but I'd like to hear about personal experiences and what was necessary to stay away and not communicate with the person we thought was the love of our life.

[Surnia]

Hi suzy_q

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with the breakup. 

The twists, turns, highs, lows, insults, altercations, degradation, negativism, criticisms and 20 breakups finally reached an untenable situation.

Perhaps it could help to focus on your reasons to make the step. Could it be that some emotions in yourself are like overruling your reasons?

[suzy_q]

Thank you for the redirection. Yes, it is absolutely the emotions that provide the struggle. Cognitively, I know I should leave and stay away. I have left, but emotionally it's difficult to stay away. I have reached out and I have had daily communication with her to the point where she seems receptive, but there is the back and forth of it all. She said she never wanted to see me again and then invited me out to dinner this past Monday. I declined because I was so emotionally stretched. Today, Thursday, I ask her to meet me for coffee and she says forget it. She said, "she's interested in meeting someone nearby and to live with her at some point. I want to combine my life with someone. I want life to feel great." I really need to find the strength for no communication and want. When I'm away from her I gain my strength and think I can handle it all. And then, as it has been experienced, upon getting back together, it's great and then the erosion begins with small criticisms and then eventually escalates to daily negativism and then an event, which in her mind is cause to end the relationship. The strength to stay away is the key and I find it difficult to do.

[Surnia]

This is a difficult situation - quite a lot back and forth. Do you know what keeps you in this dynamic?

Why do we get caught up in cycles?

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.  Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have our own abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  

This are some questions from a workshop about US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?.

Its possible to find your own strength, hang in there, suzy_q. 

[suzy_q]

Thank you Surnia for directing me to the proper reading. Greatly appreciated. I'm still struggling and I just need to let go. I know it will take some time, but I know what reality has presented.

[Surnia]

Take your time and keep posting. It will help.