Stop missing someone who is not worth it

[dansure]

I always felt sorry for her when she cried, even though she was always the one who started the fights. I always took her back, no matter how crazy her behavior became. I always left the door open for her. I even felt sorry for her, after she spilled food and shampoo over my carpet, when I saw how she had to move her stuff home after I had to kick her out. I ALWAYS tried to forgive and I ALWAYS apologized when I did something wrong and tried to make things better. I even apologized when she was clearly wrong just to not see her crying anymore.

Did she feel sorry for me when I cried because the person I loved suddenly broke up with my and never contacted me again? Did she feel sorry for me when I was still licking my wounds after our break up? Did she ever apologize for her behavior and all the times she hurt me? Was she there for me when I had one of the most stressful times a couple of month after we broke up? NO! She moved on within days and started to date someone else.

Missing a person like that? A person who doesn't care about me AT ALL from one day to the other? No fcking way! If you miss your ex tell your self over and over again how you have been treated by that person and how that person deletes your from their minds and starts seeing someone else while you spend hours on this board and other website just to get rid of the pain that this person caused you!

The couple of months where she or she lovebombed you don't make up for how poorly they treated you during the relationship and especially after your break up.

Just wanted to share this thoughts with you!

dansure

[NoCRV]

Congrats Dansure!

Sounds like you are in a good spot.  I am four months past the break up but it consumed me for a couple of months after.  A friend whom I was talking to asked me one question, that really stuck out to me.  She asked me, ":)o you think she even thinks about you?"  It didn't automatically clear the FOG but it stuck in my mind.  My ex recycled her ex and moved on in a couple of weeks after our break up so clearly I wasn't in her thoughts for very long.  I wish her the best and have realized we have two different paths in life.  She takes hers and I take mine.  She still pops into my mind but I quickly change my thinking to something else.  I know wasting time thinking about this person takes me off my path.

[Stjarna]

Good reminder, Dansure!  I have been so guilty (see, I'm at it again, ) of shouldering tremendous guilt for being the one to leave my very long marriage, but, like you, I was the one who forgave and forgave the repeated abuse, rages, breakage of many personal belongings, many humiliations amongst friends, neighbors, and family.  I was the one who stood by for years and years until our five kids were all out on their own, walking on eggshells the entire time. 

And the behavior during our first months apart was horrible.  I endured many, many hateful texts blaming me for his current devastated situation, lots of lies and threats regarding our divorce settlement, degrading, sexually explicit texts to me about how much better my replacement was, being replaced within a couple of weeks of my leaving  , on and on... . many of the same experiences that other members of these boards have lived and learned from.

Good grief, why in the world would I still be grieving THAT?  Of course, it is not all tidy and neat, the way we process the detachment.  I am still going through little waves (thankfully smaller and less turbulent) of sadness of the loss.  Thank goodness for the wonderful help on these forums, my therapist, my family, some long-time friends who saw the abuse happening long ago and came out of the woodwork to cheer me on. 

Thank you for your post!

[barbwire911]

This is an excellent post.  I often asked my self too this question.  Mine moved onto his 16 year old dog walker (he is 34) right after and in the end of our split... . this is good thinking but I think we do grieve and spend time mourning as we are normal whereas the BPD emotions and feelings are stunted to likely a small child level. Thus they do not feel the same things we do or do not process loss the same way. It hurts me but I would much rather be like this than a BPD.

[Ironmanrises]

A pwBPD does not delete you from their minds. You are placed onto a shelf until needed later. Sounds cruel and malicious, i know. Yet, that is part of the disorder. We are viewed as an object. And more times than not, a pwBPD will return to that object(us) when that need arises. You can see this all over this forum. "6 months later, exBPD returned, 5 years later i got a call from exBPD, etc", that is the disorder.

[Stjarna]

A pwBPD does not delete you from their minds. You are placed onto a shelf until needed later. Sounds cruel and malicious, i know. Yet, that is part of the disorder. We are viewed as an object. And more times than not, a pwBPD will return to that object(us) when that need arises.

Brilliant!  Thank you for posting that - all of these ways of looking at this disorder create a picture that is getting clearer and clearer to me every day.  Thank you!

[guitargrl]

I am so thankful for this board and for reading all these awesome posts that keep me mindful of the truth when my mind starts to slip! Thanks everyone