My Wife cannot say a nice word about my family

[ApChagi1]

I'm sure this is a common thing among spouses of those with BPD, but I really can't take it anymore.  She is constantly bashing every little fault or mistake they make.  I have been guilty of stepping in to defend, but that obviously doesn't go well.  How do you just sit and listen to lies and accusations about those you love? 

[maxsterling]

I went through a period of this with my dBPDgf.  During those times, she hated everyone.  It was obvious to me it was pure projection, but it still wasn't easy to hear how she didn't want to deal with my family.  I felt I was being isolated from the family I love and care about.  None of the stuff she said was especially mean, but she did say she never wanted to talk to my sister in law again and that she felt triggered by my mom.

Some of that has passed.  She still has issues with my sister in law, but she seems cool with my parents and even asks when the next time we will visit them.   

I don't expect her to be "buddy buddy" with my family, but I do need her to at least be comfortable and treat them with respect.

My only suggestion to you is to try and use a SET tool to set a boundary.  Maybe "Honey, it sounds like you are quite frustrated with my family.  I know they can be overbearing at times and we all need our space, and you certainly deserve yours.  But, I feel hurt when you say negative things about my family, so can I ask you to keep those negative things to yourself?

[ApChagi1]

Very helpful. Thanks Max.

[ApChagi1]

.  But, I feel hurt when you say negative things about my family, so can I ask you to keep those negative things to yourself?

I was thinking more about this . . .is it fair to ask someone with BPD to keep things like this to themself?  I'm not sure it can be done in her case. 

[maxsterling]

It's not reasonable to ask her to not have those feelings - she has a right to her feelings.  it IS reasonable to ask her not to vocalize them to you.  You can suggest she vent to another friend, a therapist, or scream into a pillow.  With my girlfriend for awhile, it was a constant "I want to kill myself" talk. I told her in couples therapy that when I hear that, my heart races and I take it seriously, and I can't stop myself from worrying.  The T then suggested she use other phrases or words to describe how she really feels, such as saying "I'm having a really bad day today" rather than, "I hate my life I am so worthless and want to die."  So far, she has cut down on some of the self hate talk.

[raytamtay3]

I always say how I can say anything I want about my family, but nobody else is allowed. . And I never do that to anyone either.  My ex did it all the time. Told me they were white trash losers. How his family was so much better than mine. yadda-yadda-yadda.  :)id you notice I said my ex?

But seriously, ya, it's really a hard one to take. I use to tell my ex in an effort to try and end the continuous bad mouting, that right, wrong or indifferent. They are my family and my blood and I love them and don't appreciate him talking bad about them. Not that it worked.

One of the reasons I left my ex was when my then 7 year old DD took me aside and said "I don't like when daddy talks bad about your family. Why don't you ever fight back"? That was it for me. I didn't want my DD or my DS growing up to think that was acceptable.

[Zon]

I'm sure this is a common thing among spouses of those with BPD, but I really can't take it anymore.  She is constantly bashing every little fault or mistake they make.  I have been guilty of stepping in to defend, but that obviously doesn't go well.  How do you just sit and listen to lies and accusations about those you love?

Those lies to you may be perceptions to her.  She may truly see them that way.  Defending them means, to her, that you think she is wrong and they are right.  My wife accuses my mom of a lot and hates her.  A lot or all of it is her perception of my mom's actions.  She considers what my mom does to be an attack on her when my mom is thinking nothing of it.

I used to ask her if my mom meant something else since I never witness the event.  What drives me crazy is when she gets angry at my mom and sees me as the proxy.  I do not have to defend my mom to bring it upon myself.

How do I listen?  I keep quiet, listen, tell her that I understand that she is upset and attempt to shift the discussion in subtle ways.  I do that with my S3 and have started using it on her.  It is sad that it works.  I cannot recall an example to give you, but it can work.  It at least can get them past the rage period where you can talk to them afterwards more rationally.

Contrived example (I think better in the actual situation):

Wife:  Your mom did X.  I hate her.

Me:  I understand you are upset/angry.  What happened exactly?

Wife:  Your mom did X when I wanted to do Y.

Me:  That is odd that she did not do Y.

Wife:  I know!  She does it to spite me.

Me:  Hmm.  I will see what she thinks about doing Y next time.

Wife:  She should do Y!

Me:  X is nice, but Y may have been better.  X is fun in the Z situation.

... .

I try to make X not as bad yet let her complain about it.  I try not to say Y is bad in that situation or X can be anything better than Y.  Sometimes drawing it out can calm her.

What I would like to happen:   

Wife:  Your mom did X.  I hate her.

Me:  Who cares?  Stop whining!  Bring me a beer!

Wife:  Yes, dear.  You are right.  Here is your beer.

NOTES:

• She tells our children not to whine when they are sad about something.  I want to tell her the same because I feel they are whining less than her.



• I really do not like beer.  I just wanted to sound chauvinistic.    I need more humor in my life.

[ApChagi1]

I need to burn some kind of mantra in my head, like Don't Argue Disordered Thinking.

[empathic]

We've been through this a lot. I have actually managed to set a boundary around her talking negative about my family. At one point my wife told me "I _need_ to talk to you about your mother saying things". But I refuse to listen to it, can't be the proxy mentioned above. The price is that I cannot mention anything negative about her family (her brother is probably NPD and has some very weird views on things), but that is a price I can pay.

Perhaps she has another vent for this now (like her own mother), I don't know.