tell providers without appearing to be biasing them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How do I let my kids' doctors know that my exH is mentally ill, without being seen some day (in the case of a custody evaluation) as biasing the professionals or trying to make him look bad?  He is coming to an appointment next week for our daughter, and I want our doc to know where he is coming from.  But I don't want her to think I'm an exwife out for revenge.

[momtara]

How do I let my kids' doctors know that my exH is mentally ill, without being seen some day (in the case of a custody evaluation) as biasing the professionals or trying to make him look bad?  He is coming to an appointment next week for our daughter, and I want our doc to know where he is coming from.  But I don't want her to think I'm an exwife out for revenge.

[Waddams]

If there's documentation of a formal diagnosis, then just provide the documentation. 

Otherwise, stay quiet and let your exH demonstrate his issues.  The doc will figure it out.

[livednlearned]

How do you think your H's disorder will present itself to the doctor?

I would focus on the behavior, avoid labeling if you feel the need to say anything.

"The children's father feels very different about medicating the kids than I do. We share legal custody. My feeling is that it is better to not medicate the kids unless xyz. For example, when they clear their throats, he will give them this and that. It's important to me that the kids do not take medications unless it is your professional opinion that they need medication. Can someone from your office please call me to let me know what, if any, medications have been prescribed?"

Something like that? Because you can't tell the doc what to do, you can't deny all medications, and you can't micro-manage your ex-husband through a professional. Better to express your views, explain his behavior, and tip them off that he has a tendency to behave a certain way when it comes to the kids' health.

Just know that they will document the conversation. Avoid labeling him, or disparaging him in any way, or issuing any directives.

[momtara]

Thanks.  Good advice.

[ennie]

I agree.  Focus on how his behavior impacts your child's medical or psychological issues, including how this might impact your relationship with the doctor.  And try not to judge your ex for these things, and the doctor will probably understand.  If communication with the doctor in the presence of your BPD ex is an issue (this was for my DH and his ex), then explain that using terms that do not point the finger: "We have a history of high conflict in our marriage, and this makes communication about our child difficult.  I would prefer being able to communicate with you directly without my ex present if that would work for you." 

If you have psychological concerns, I think it is fine to specify what they are, too.  Particularly if your child has been subjected to physical abuse or witnessed abuse.  These are important things for a doctor to know. 

[livednlearned]

I agree.  Focus on how his behavior impacts your child's medical or psychological issues, including how this might impact your relationship with the doctor.  And try not to judge your ex for these things, and the doctor will probably understand.  If communication with the doctor in the presence of your BPD ex is an issue (this was for my DH and his ex), then explain that using terms that do not point the finger: "We have a history of high conflict in our marriage, and this makes communication about our child difficult.  I would prefer being able to communicate with you directly without my ex present if that would work for you." 

If you have psychological concerns, I think it is fine to specify what they are, too.  Particularly if your child has been subjected to physical abuse or witnessed abuse.  These are important things for a doctor to know. 

Whatever you say, make sure you are prepared to have it read out loud in court.

And strategize. Maybe you look at this as a year long thing. The first time you mention it to the doctor, say that you and your ex have very different ideas about when to medicate the kids. Second time, add more info. Third time, point to your experiences, documented.

Make the doctor a sympathetic partner in your concerns, which is to do what's best for the kids.