Got an email...

[pari]

I think so!

I got a a phone call from him after 2.5 months (didn't take) and followed by email (saying, you are the best person on planet and you have made a void that can never be filled. Hurts to be apart etc). It's a very sweet email but I do not want to respond to the email as it will initiate a chain of emails and destroy peace in my world. I try to remember what I was told last (that I can't communicate correct, Drama queen, double standards, can't think logical etc) to validate the truth in his email.

My therapist asked if I want to know what he must be thinking while he wrote the email and that got me thinking. Let's see... . my guess is that things with his current gf ain't going so great and probably he is missing some drama in his life. Hence the email. I do sometimes worry about him and want to know if he is ok. But over last few months, I have realized that it is more important (and not selfish)to take care of myself first. And he wasn't there for me when I needed help. Part of me wants to respond to the email - Please do not try to reach out to me again and part of me just wants to ignore it.

It was good in a way that he got a replacement. So all his energy was focused on her, rather than me.

I still care for him, for the person I feel in love with, not the angry person he became later. Suddenly I feel so low and confused.

Oh btw, I have been doing exceptionally good in healing over last 4 months. I slowly blocked him on all communication channels (wonder how gmail still delivered email from him) and deleted all the posts on our shared blog (during early days). I am beginning to see myself as true me and believe in myself. Thanks for being there for me happy family  

Any advice would be helpful.

[NoCRV]

Hi Pari,

Sorry you are going through this.  One of the valuable things I have learned from this site is that actions speak louder than words.  If you do not reply to the email you are allowing your actions to speak for you.  Be selfish, if this going to set you back, don't do it for him. 

[fromheeltoheal]

A BPD sufferer is in continuous push/pull: get too close and they feel engulfed, like they'll lose themselves since they don't have a fully formed self of their own, so they push you away, and get too far away and they feel abandoned, so to avoid the impending abandonment depression, they pull, hence the email.  Attachments are interchangeable though, and you're right, if he's feeling abandoned, for his own reasons regardless of what's going on in the reality of his relationship, he will reach out to possible attachments, and exes are always possible attachments, to see if there's any emotional hook still in place, any lingering attachment, purely to make him feel better.  Your focus on your needs is the healthy stance, since you will be the only one focusing on them.

[biglearningcurve]

I have wondered how I would handle this situation myself when it happens and I feel that it will.

I am slowly starting to claw back some peace after the r/s with u

BPDbf and I think if/when he contacts me again I hope I have the strength to remain no contact.

I have written many pages in my journal of all the reasons why I should remain nc as I know I will want to talk to him and I also know it will create major drama and unhappiness in my life.

I personally think no contact is the kindest way for both parties but I also know the pull that my ex has on my emotional heart strings.

Good luck with your decision.

[seeking balance]

I think so!

I got a a phone call from him after 2.5 months (didn't take) and followed by email (saying, you are the best person on planet and you have made a void that can never be filled. Hurts to be apart etc). It's a very sweet email but I do not want to respond to the email as it will initiate a chain of emails and destroy peace in my world. I try to remember what I was told last (that I can't communicate correct, Drama queen, double standards, can't think logical etc) to validate the truth in his email.

This was his truth in the moment he wrote this (doesn't mean it is your truth).  HE does NOT say he wants to get together (from what you wrote), likely he had an emotion and saw contact with you as a way to soothe that emotion... . nothing more, nothing less.  pwBPD use words as a way to connect not necessarily a way to communicate - keep this in mind when you read those words.

No need to respond if that is where you are in taking care of you - keep focused on you as you seem to be doing much better and healing.

Peace,

SB

[barbwire911]

This was his truth in the moment he wrote this

That is such a similar statement to what my exBPDbf said one time. We got in a fight about something small and I said just to give me some space. 2 hours later he texts "look under ur mailbox". So I did and there was a nice gift bag with my favourite wine gums and presents and a beautifully written card with how he wanted to "take life's journey with me" and had "chosen me to be The One" and how "our bond must be so strong or we would not have reconnected after our first break up " (where he silent treatmented me for 2 months almost), and al whole bunch of other niceties including 'I love you." Well so less than a week later he says I love you and then suddenly starts telling me he cannot be with me as he "sees in my head" I want to marry him and he cannot do that. yet I never even mentionned marriage but he says he can see what I am thinking. So I questioned him on why his behaviour now was so opposite to what he wrote in the card just a week prior and how was I The One then and he chose me for "life's journey" and a week later he is breaking up with me.

he said "When I wrote that card, that was how I felt at that moment... . "

WOW... . saying someone is The One and you choose them to walk life's journey are pretty big words to just feel for a moment... . but I guess that is how these people with BPD think

So since then we had about 3 recycles (that card and gift was in mid January) . Right now he is silent treatmenting me again and with his 16 year old dog walker and ignored my closure letter completely I sent a few days ago.

Thank god for this board... .

[pari]

Thanks for all responses. It has only helped me stay stronger about my decision to not respond.

@seeking balance: So true about his reality. I now know it from experience how short lived his reality used to be. How one incident would become the truth about the r/s or me and how quickly it would change in the next moment.

He mentioned nothing about getting back together in his email. Just said that he wanted to reach out to me to tell me how special I am... . wish me good luck. etc... . Also said he wasn't sure if he should write to me or if he will hear back but he has to try. I wonder what for. It hurts to know that he is writing/feeling all this while he is still with his gf. I know he is not strong enough to breakup with her because he can't live alone (as he has told me a number of times in past).

@barbwire911: I can completely relate to what you said. Thank goodness this forum exist . Hope you stay strong and take care of yourself.

[seeking balance]

Just said that he wanted to reach out to me to tell me how special I am... . wish me good luck. etc... . Also said he wasn't sure if he should write to me or if he will hear back but he has to try. I wonder what for.

For the purpose of soothing his own emotions - whether it be guilt or loneliness or fear, he reached out for him, not for you.  I know that hurts to hear, but keeping that in mind helped me let go.

pwBPD are resourceful at using others to manage their emotions - they do learn the right combination of words to get results.  If you respond - he is validated you still care.  If you don't respond, he is validated you abandoned him.  No win for you, only for him.

[pari]

If you respond - he is validated you still care.  If you don't respond, he is validated you abandoned him.  No win for you, only for him.

After going through emotional turmoil over his email and talking about him, your words brought a smile on my face.  You are absolutely correct.