Getting sucked in and not getting what I need

[PinkieV]

I've come to the conclusion this morning that my life right now is about my DH's family and that's it, and I'm frustrated, angry, and sad.  I'm not sure if this is the right board, but I just need some clarity outside of this family mess.

I've had his back since last fall dealing with his uBPDew and custody of his boys. Right now we've given her a deadline of next week to accept the parenting plan and GAL's custody recommendation as is, or go to trial with a much stricter plan.  Even the judge told her last week that we were offering a fair plan and she should take it.  She's in work release, and complained to the judge that they told her she couldn't have a lawyer.  So unfortunately he had to give her time to get legal counsel.  However, he told her directly he wanted to see her back here accepting the plan.

So we've been going back and forth for the past week.  SS13 wants to stay here, but is too afraid to tell his mom directly.  He wrote her a letter that we mailed yesterday, so she'll have it when she meets with legal aid next week.  Our lawyer wants to know if SS18 will testify against her.  Even though he's gone to very LC with her, I don't know if he'll be able to do that with her in the same room.  And he's done so well I don't know if I even want him to try.

So, that's my life in a nutshell right now.  DH and I were at a yoga class last night, and when we were done, I told him I'd been thinking about SS18 the whole time.  He said "you know what I was thinking about?", and I realized I was desperately hoping it was about me or one of my kids.  Monday night we went out to dinner to celebrate my DS's birthday, and DH asked "is today your actual birthday?"

That last paragraph makes my DH sound like a total jerk, and he's not, but we just have this perfect storm around us right now.  Does anyone ever feel like . . . less, because their family is "normal" and doesn't have all these issues all the time?  I feel like my needs aren't as important.  I've managed to keep a company running and raise two great kids after my husband died suddenly almost three years ago.  I guess I've made it look too easy?

Anyway, I think this is just a rant, but any suggestions will be helpful.  I frequent a stepmom board, and we talk about disengaging, but it doesn't seem to happen.

[PinkieV]

I just re-read this, and please know I mean NO disrespect to anyone dealing with a BPD family or friend when I say "normal".  I was trying to explain the difference between dealing with that particular type of person as opposed to non's issues.  What is normal anyway, right?

[Nope]

Is the deadline to accept the parenting plan an artificial deadline or do you have a court date. My guess is that she won't take a deal until right before stepping into the court room if she does at all.

Depending on what type of BPD she is (waif, witch, some combo of whatever) she may not take that letter very well. Be prepared for that.

If SS18 wants next to nothing to do with her then he may be willing to help his younger brother out. But remember she is still his mom and for kids with a BPD parent the battle can be ongoing through their entire lives. And whatever he can do in a court room now will likely be unforgivable and thrown in his face for the rest of his life.

On the relationship front: Get a relative to watch the kids and take off for a weekend with a rule that she is not to be brought up. Keep it inexpensive if you have to and stay at a cheap motel where you can laugh at the ugly wallpaper. The most important thing is just to remind yourselves of what your relationship is about when it's not all about his ex wife and her disorder.

[Waddams]

My fiance and I are constantly overwhelmed as both our ex-'s are nutjobs and each leaves unique issues that we have to deal with, as well as 5 kids in school between the two of us.  Mornings are a firedrill to get everyone out the door to school (or drop my son off at his mom's as she's homeschooling), the other kids go to 3 different schools, they usually want either to be dropped early or picked up late because they're actually good students and are doing various extra's all the time.  My son is also in soccer, so that's practice 2 times a week, and games on weekends.  

Her kids father isn't in the picture, so they never go for the usual every other weekend visits.  My son is with us the majority of the time too (50/50 court orders, but we've got him 75% of the time and at least 1/2 of each of his mom's weekends now).  So the kids are ALWAYS under foot, and bickering about stuff, making commotions, etc.  For some reason, we can't get them to establish friends with any kids in the immediate neighborhood.  They only want to hang out with other kids in other neighborhoods.  Kick 'em outside, and they jsut sit on the porch and argue and bicker with each other.

There is NEVER any alone time for fiance and I at the house.  We HAVE to leave.  Kids are 16, 14, 12, 9, and 9.  So we also can leave for an hour or two with older ones babysitting, but still don't want to leave them alone for a long time.  Fiance and I both never have enough time for ourselves or our relationship without literally ignoring SOMETHING for one of the kids.  And we've just decided sometimes the kids are just gonna have to miss out on something because it's too much, and we deserve to have some "us time" as well.

Blended families are hard enough, blended families where one or both parents have disordered ex-'s literally put you in double bind/catch 22/d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't situations every day.  For me, I've gotten so attached to not just fiance but also her kids, it's all worth it.  The moments when we actually have quality time together as a family, or the very rare time when maybe her kids are off at other friends and my son is actually at his mom's for a weekend night (very very rare lately) and fiance and I seem to slide right back into focusing on the strong connection we've always had naturally... . it all reaffirms to me that even though it's hard, it's the right place for me to be if you know what I mean.  Overall, her kids look to me as dad now, and it's rather great.  My son is even really opening up to fiance now, and while they bicker, they are bickering like blood related siblings (I had 3 growing up myself!) and they all are really blending and integrating together well.

One of these days, fiance and I are going to look back and say "whoa that was rough.  but it was worth it."

[ForeverDad]

I also have a ":)amned if you do, Damned if you don't" Gary Larson mug somewhere too... .

[GaGrl]

The good news is that is does eventually calm, to a certain degree, with adult children.  I married DH 8 years ago and went through a stormy period as the first serious relationship he had after (get this... . ) 14 YEARS OF SEPARATION from his uNPD/BPD ex.  We managed (despite my being stunned at the dysfunctionality of the situation).  TDP (The Dark Princess) moved 1500 miles away a few years ago to live near the adult daughter and pre-teen grandaughter, and our lives became significantly quieter.

That being said, I'm not convinced it ever really stops with the exes, barring death.  About every 18 months, DH's ex calls me and ramps up on the phone from "Oh, we hadn't talked in a while," to complaining about the adult daughter, to complaining about her boyfriend and the adult daughte's boyfriend, until she gets to the point of telling DH he needs to move to her city, she'll kick her boyfriend out, and DH can help with the family out there.  Chutzpah, right?  Just call me husband and tell him to move back in with you?

Fortunately, it's only an occasional burst, and I can shake it off.  I'm truly not sure how well I would have handled it had DH and I married when we had minor children.

[PinkieV]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your posts.  ForeverDad, I love The Far Side and that mug made me smile.  Thanks for that!

Nope, we have a court date next month, so her deadline is the day before 30 days, when we have to give our attorney the retainer.  And yes, I am worried about and for SS18.  He's tried so hard and done so well, and the last thing I want is for him to be caught in her crosshairs.  As it is, he was interviewed for the GAL report and she yelled at him over what was quoted in there.  I'm sure he will never hear the end of it if he maintains contact.

BM told SS13 1 1/2 weeks ago to let her know if he wanted to stay with us, and she'd agree, as an attorney would be so expensive.  She really did a number on him that day.  At his counseling appointment last week, he spilled it all out.  It's the first time he has specifically told the counselor what she has said and done, and how he feels.  He told her he could not call her and tell her, and that he had written her a letter.  His counselor agreed that mail is the best way to go right now for his sake, but we waited until he was ready to send it.  I'm sure it was just another ploy by BM and that she'll no doubt bring that up if and when he talks to her on the phone or sees her.

Waddams, I too love having the kids in my life, we are one crazy, fun, modern family.  All four of our kids get along well, better than I could have ever imagined.  And they all get along with us too.  I just wish my DH would spend a little time thinking and asking about my kids.  I understand that he spent 10+ years alienated from his boys, and now that he has them he'll fight tooth and nail to keep them.  But I don't feel like I get anywhere close to the same support back.  And as we all know, even on their best days, there is an issue somewhere.

Thanks Gagrl, for reminding me this too shall pass.  Actually, SS13 will be the last one at home after this summer.  I was so close to starting the next phase of life, and now it's four more years of high school.  Even with custody settled - and we live two states away thankfully - I know it will be a continuous process with BM.  Reading these boards has really helped us both formulate a plan on how to deal with her once she's released from custody.  I'm a pretty low key person, so having this upset in my life continually is, well, upsetting!

I know I need to sit DH down and tell him what I'm feeling and what I need.  I think I'll actually write it out, because every time we try to talk about it, he tells me he knows he needs to work on himself.  No, you need to work on me!  I need some attention too!  Thanks again everyone.