Has a BPD partner ever made you question a relationship with a parent?

[mssalty]

My SO has many symptoms of BPD.  Their relationship with me has led to friction with one of my parents.   As a peacemaker, I cannot understand the friction between the two.   And I don't know if perhaps my SO's animosity to my family is coloring my own perceptions, but in reflecting back, I wonder if one of my parents didn't have BPD tendencies.   My parent was frequently angry, had stories that always painted them as a victim, suddenly cut off people, and left a trail of angry people that never was their fault.   This parent never treated me the way my SO does in terms of BPD behavior, but I there are similar signs.   Good it be I'm simply seeing my parent through my SO's eyes, or could it be that in some ways my SO's perception is accurate?   

[Kwamina]

Hi mssalty,

I think this is a very good question. For me it was the other way round. I was raised by a BPD mom and at a certain point started realizing that I was seeking out people who treated me the same way she did. You now notice similar signs but when you were growing up, did you ever feel or think before that there might be something wrong with this particular parent?

As I learn more about BPD I've noticed that I tend to see BPD characteristics in a lot of other people too. That doesn't always have to mean these people also have BPD (some do however!) I think a lot of the BPD behaviors are common in us all, with the big difference being the intensity and frequency of the behaviors with people with BPD and their inability to change their behaviors. Could you tell us a bit more about your parent's behaviors that lead you te believe he/she might have BPD?

[Ritchie53]

100% yes - I have a very close relationship with my Mum (and Dad as well but in a different way as our personalities clash - but healthily clash if that makes sense). My Mum has always been there when I have made mistakes and helped me pick up the pieces - examples failing an exam, not achieving something etc, same too with my Dad (although you'll get the 'lecture' that all loving parents give )

My BPDex was from a separated home - Mum abandoned them (and had issues as well) - in the beginning my Mum was not an issue, during devaluation I was a Mummy's boy, was wrapped in a blanket with her and also had a very 'strange' relationship with my Mother - whatever that implied   

She started trying to project and unravel my childhood saying it was not right what went on etc, even when she didnt know anything about it. - I have not one traumatic childhood memory, as kids we were not spoilt but wanted for nothing, were grateful, well behaved (as well behaved as kids/teenagers can be) and basically my view of my childhood being - my home was my fortress my parents were my rocks. She tried to unravel this - however she could not succeed, hence the projections at the end that something between me and my Mum were amiss - looking back I should have slapped her for a comment like that (joke by the way - but you get the point - how dare someone make a covert accusation like that!)

So in short - she tried to make me question my relationship with parents but unsuccessfully - she also, during my emasculation, try and say that my father was not around when I was young hence I never had a father figure - true to some extent - he worked away during the week, but was always around on weekends. This was projected, obviously that he was leading a double life during my childhood - ridiculous, as my parents have now been married for nearly 40 years without any separation and are now pensioners! - also in this projection she failed to realise that between the age of 16 to 23 (when I finished Uni) every Summer my dad would get me a job on the factory line for the company he was director and part owner of. So I spent my summers (8 to 12 weeks) living with him in a 1 bedroom flat in London (where he stayed during the week) - if he was leading a double life, he was very, very good at concealing it - ridiculous and just goes to prove that their projections and accusations are pure insanity half the time and pure psychotic the other half!

[GopherAgent]

Well, Yea!

My relationship with my parents was awful and they were abusive to themselves and to me as well and made me the middle man in their circle of abuse.

Needless to say, I decided early in life that I wouldn't treat my wife this way or be abusive to her as my parents were to themselves. Not that her rages and abuse caused me to react in ways that I now regret, but can understand in light of the BPD like manifestations.

I met my wife and thought her parents were "normal". Little did I know that her dad was emotionally abusive to the women in his life and she was the "Oops" child. Just recently, in a conversation with her sister, I learned about her cutting attempts and drug use and "rebellion" to her parents. Ah... . the early signs of this BPD stuff!

During our marriage, we had many conversations about how I recognized the abuse of my parents and how I wanted to live life differently and responsibly with my wife as a partner and not as a punching bag.

During her dis-regulations, my wife used my parents as examples of how bad I was and that I was just like my dad in some cases and then at other times, just like my mom. No matter what the argument, I got the "you're just like your mom/dad thing." Still hear it to this day.

Luckily for me, I know the difference. I have dealt with my parents emotional distance and manipulation and I have used those bad memories of them to motivate me not to become them but to become me. I never questioned my relationship to my parents even though she tried. I just never had a healthy relationship with them because I recognized that they could never view me as an adult with values and goals of my own. I was always their child and was treated as such. My mom still treats me that way to this day and she is now 93.

The one who doesn't know what I think about them (how if view my parents) is my wife. She can't accept I've moved on and grown up and faced their abuse and not allowed it to define me. She continues to use them as a whipping post to try and flog me and whip me with my failures because "you are just like them."

Nope! I am me! Not them!

[mssalty]

Here's the thing.  I had a good relationship with my parents.   Felt loved, not what I feel in my BPD relationship.   

And in the last few days I thought about how the parent I think may have tendencies actually showed sincere love for the other, doing things I've never had my SO do for me, and expressing empathy, physical and emotional support I don't get.   

This is so confusing.   The amount of doubt I have about everything in my life can be crippling.