Smear Campaign and my son

[ConverseHome]

Like so many threads I've read, my xBPDgf of six years, with whom I lived with my children for three, has gone on a campaign to "paint me black" (a term our couples therapist used during one of our last individual sessions with me to describe my x's behavior). The couples therapist also said that my xBPDgf was "splitting" and she didn't see this ending at any point soon. That was a major red flag.

So, recently my xBPDgf asked my one of my oldest and dearest friends to dinner. My friend asked me if this was okay, and I said I didn't have a problem with it, in part b/c my friend is as loyal as they come. Anyway, not surprisingly my x spent the entire 2 hour dinner trashing me, saying I was the abusive one, I could never apologize for anything, that I was screwed up b/c of my childhood. My friend only listened (even though she knows the full story, and in fact lived with us for nearly a year). The only thing she did say to my xBPDgf was that she has known me for 14 years, and only knows me to be generous to a fault, kind, calm, etc., etc. To this my xBPDgf had no response, other than, as my friend said, to "zone out."

I suppose this isn't surprising, nor is the fact that my x is on this smear campaign with pretty much anyone who will listen. My view is that my friends know me well, and that I have faith that such a one-sided, blame campaign is, in and of itself, suspicious. Not to mention the fact that my best friend said that the 2 hour dinner only confirmed the fact that she knows my x is clearly emotionally unstable and just not right.

It leaves me, though, wrestling with one major issue. That is my younger son had grown attached to my xBPDgf, and wants to continue some kind of relationship with her. My best friend cautioned, after her dinner with my x, against this. Her concern is that my x will stop at nothing, and that she may well "paint me black" to my 12-year old son. She thinks I should keep my x as far away from me and my children as possible.

Has anyone had experience with this? I continue to take the high-road, but it's very hard. It's also hard to know what to do with my son, as I want to demonstrate to him that relationships can end amicably, and in re-defined ways. That said, I'm beginning to wonder if my x is the kind of person who has the maturity, and selflessness to put a child first. I truly think she can't help herself in her smear campaign. I'm at a loss as to what to do here.

[goldylamont]

It's also hard to know what to do with my son, as I want to demonstrate to him that relationships can end amicably, and in re-defined ways. That said, I'm beginning to wonder if my x is the kind of person who has the maturity, and selflessness to put a child first.

I don't have direct experience with children (i don't have any). but i have read that it is not uncommon for xpd's to use children to hurt their ex partners. in more extreme cases the children are actually put in unhealthy or compromised situations for the purpose of causing pain to the other parent--and this could occur with the real (not step-child). while i couldn't say how far your ex would go, i would trust your friend's advice and keep your son away from her for his safety and your sanity.

[ConverseHome]

Thanks, Goldylamont, you are confirming my judgment here. I suppose what's gnawing at me are my own emotional issues. Still, despite all of it, my fantasy that this person - who just three months ago was professing her undying love for me and giving me a very expensive ring symbolizing are life-long commitment to each other for Xmas yet is now on a full-tilt smear, campaign - will be the person I wished for her to be.

My friend's dinner with her was yet another important reminder that this is just a fantasy, and that I need to focus on the reality of her capacity to hurt and smear. This is particularly true when it comes to my children, who I need to protect, not to mention myself, no matter how hard it is emotionally at times.

I must confess, though, her behavior is making the detachment easier for me. Whenever I slip back to my fantasy of what I wish the relationship could have been, she does something to remind me how very disturbed she is. As my best friend says to me: "Run, Forest, Run!"

[Turkish]

It's also hard to know what to do with my son, as I want to demonstrate to him that relationships can end amicably, and in re-defined ways. That said, I'm beginning to wonder if my x is the kind of person who has the maturity, and selflessness to put a child first.

I don't have direct experience with children (i don't have any). but i have read that it is not uncommon for xpd's to use children to hurt their ex partners. in more extreme cases the children are actually put in unhealthy or compromised situations for the purpose of causing pain to the other parent--and this could occur with the real (not step-child). while i couldn't say how far your ex would go, i would trust your friend's advice and keep your son away from her for his safety and your sanity.

I second goldylamont's judgement. Your friend with whom she went to dinner is an adult, and sounds like a healthy adult. Your child, no matter how mature, is still a child. Would you trust you ex to not engage in some form of an alienation game? If your Ex was foolish (and oblivious) enough to try to get validation from your loyal friend, then how much more might she engage in this with YOUR child. The other part of it may be that she knew all of what she said would go directly back to you. Do you think she is going to suddenly paint you white to your own son, or to not exhibit similar behaviors towards a child? No one is immune from the disorder. Not lovers (certainly), not close friends, nor family.

children need to be protected. Even so, it might be good to validate your son's feelings (using SET), but establish the "truth" of the situation, appropriate for his age, and make your boundaries clear. You owe nothing to her, you owe everything to your son and yourself.

[arn131arn]

Your experience is mine. Except my son's own mother is disorders.

Converse,I can guarantee you that this will cause you future pain. My son's mother alienated me from my son for 5 months! Wouldnt allow me to see him. This is your child and only you and his mother have the right to let him see him. I had 2 ROs placed on me over a 5 week period. Look at my posts since early December, read the pain and actions she took Tobit only destroy me but my relationship with my boy as we'll.

Trust me when I tell you, nothing good will come from letting your son have a relationship with an emotionally unstable woman that's NOT even his mother!

Be smart, protect yourself, and your child. Throughout this Land of Confusion, I am certain of only one thing- I have no idea what she is capable of, and she is NOT done hurting me.