Baby on the way...

[mlle24]

Long post, I apologize in advance. I'm desperate for some help so if you can please read through and repsond I need help.  Badly. 

My mom is UBPD.  I've been on this board off and on for over 2 years now.  I had gone NC (no contact) with my mom from September to end of November. I gave her a letter outlining everything that upset me about our relationship and everything that I wanted to change if we were ever going to attempt to have a healthy relationship.  I handed her this letter when I was at the phone store getting her off my phone plan (because she was refusing to pay me for her share of the bill).

In early November I found out I was pregnant, and decided I wanted this to be a turning point in our relationship. I told her, she was happy, started talking about how it was the only happy thing in her life. I felt a chill when she said this, because it was just the beginning of another downward spiral that is my mom and her disorder.

My boyfriend at the time/now husband was deployed, so I had plenty going on that I had to deal with emotionally, without her unnecessary drama.  She did nice things, like buying us a stroller. Followed by pushy things, like telling me she was going to go part time at her job because she wants to watch the baby x number of days per week.  While it seems like a nice gesture to any outside stranger, my close friends and my husband know that this is a dangerous idea she's got in her head.

I've been trying to make things work, but things have only escalated. When I give an inch, she takes a mile and I look at myself and the situation wondering how she got that mile out of me.  Or when I don't have a mile to give and tell her that, she tells me all the ways I'm a disappointment, all the things she did wrong as a parent, all the things I'm doing wrong as a daughter and how ungrateful/selfish/spoiled/awful I am.

My phone is broken (batteries don't last more than an hour with no activity on my phone, so less time if I'm actually using the phone).  Plus, the service where I live sucks. So if I can't text, or talk on the phone my mom believes that I'm "making excuses" and she no longer finds them believable.

She contacts me multiple times a day via text, email, and phone. I am overwhelmed by how much she contacts me.  Mostly because it's her texting, calling, and emailing about her problems and how terrible her health/life/job/etc are.

I told her about 2 weeks ago that I'm not ok with how much she complains to me, how she puts her stresses on me because it only adds to my stress (I HAVE ENOUGH STRESS. I have a job, and a husband, and bills, and a baby on the way... . and there's a whole list of other hit I won't even go into about health insurance, school, working from home, etc... . ). Point is, I don't manage my own stress well and I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  I've been doing ok managing my own stress, but I do not have the tools or the will power to deal with hers on top of mine.  I told her that I wanted her to stop complaining so much or stop being so negative because I need positive people in my life.  Long story short it boils down to me protecting myself, my health, and not only that but the health of my baby now. Without sounding ridiculous, the ball is in my court. I can decide whether or not she's in my life, I did it before and it worked out well for me.  I can decide if her behavior is an acceptable example for my children to be around.

I've tried to put boundaries in place, and she tramples over them (I recognize when she's going too far, and I get angry... . but until now I'm still shocked when my boundaries don't work.)

Does anyone here have any advice because I don't want to go NC again unless it's absolutely necessary... . I want to be NC because I was so much happier and so much calmer and the things that stressed me out were things I could manage and deal with... . But I don't want to go NC because my husband's whole family is 6.5 hours away and I want my mom to have an opportunity to have a relationship with my kids.

What are some boundaries and some consequences that seem logical, acceptable, and do-able? I made the mistake of asking on FB how often people see and talk to their moms and what is normal... . She thinks I should jump when she says jump, and I'm tired of it. I have my own family, my own responsibilities. (She wanted me to go to her house to look at a website to pick out a vanity because she was getting her bathroom redone... . I can look at a website from home, I don't have to drive 20 miles to sit next to you and look at the internet.)

If I got a say, I really would like to see her no more than 2 x per month and maybe talk 2 x per week (2 x per week is more than I really want, but it's as much as I think I'd be willing to offer).  But of course, she makes me feel like a monster for wanting less contact.  But hearing her every ache and pain via text, presumably as it happens, is becoming a burden for me.

Not to mention, I don't want my kid to grow up knowing grandma is sick, wondering when grandma is going to die. Kids don't need that stress, that pressure.

I want one of my conditions of our relationship to be that she gets therapy... . Her friends, me, and her BOSS have all told her she needs help. Yet, she thinks everyone else is a jerk and that they're the ones with the problems - not her.  I can't prove she's going to therapy. And even if she's going, she may not benefit from it because of how stubborn she is.  If she doesn't go with the intention of getting better, what's the point right?  And I refuse REFUSE REFUSE to go to therapy with her.  She's a grown woman. I'm a grown woman. If she can't handle therapy on her own, that's ridiculous.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, mlle24, and welcome back! Also, congratulations on your pregnancy. That is exciting news.

I can understand why you are feeling so stressed out. It sounds like you have a lot going on already, and relationships with people who have BPD can be emotionally draining. Taking good care of our boundaries is really important.

I've tried to put boundaries in place, and she tramples over them (I recognize when she's going too far, and I get angry... . but until now I'm still shocked when my boundaries don't work.)

Whenever I hear people say "my boundaries aren't working," I think it's usually because they want the boundary to change someone else. That's not what boundaries are for. Your boundaries are there for you to take care of you, not to make someone else agree that you have a right to take care of you. There's a difference. If your mother has BPD, it is not likely that she is going to be able to recognize your needs as valid when her own feel overwhelming to her. She is going to keep trying to get her needs met whether or not it feels good to you. This is the reality of the disorder. Explaining your limits isn't going to turn her into a different person.

You ask what boundaries and consequences are logical and acceptable. There really isn't a "right" or "wrong" when it comes to your boundaries--they are what they are. Everyone has different limits just as we have different likes and dislikes. It is ok for me not to like something that someone else really enjoys. It is ok for you to have boundaries that are different from the ones your friends have or your mother has.

If I got a say, I really would like to see her no more than 2 x per month and maybe talk 2 x per week (2 x per week is more than I really want, but it's as much as I think I'd be willing to offer).  But of course, she makes me feel like a monster for wanting less contact.  But hearing her every ache and pain via text, presumably as it happens, is becoming a burden for me.

You do have a say. You are the one in charge of your life, mlle24. If you want to limit visits to twice a month and phone calls to twice a week, then do that. You don't have to get other people to agree with you in order to take care of yourself. Using SET can be a good way to validate someone else's feelings while asserting you feel differently.

Here are some resources that might help. I really learned a lot from them.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I want one of my conditions of our relationship to be that she gets therapy... . Her friends, me, and her BOSS have all told her she needs help. Yet, she thinks everyone else is a jerk and that they're the ones with the problems - not her.  I can't prove she's going to therapy. And even if she's going, she may not benefit from it because of how stubborn she is.  If she doesn't go with the intention of getting better, what's the point right?  And I refuse REFUSE REFUSE to go to therapy with her.  She's a grown woman. I'm a grown woman. If she can't handle therapy on her own, that's ridiculous.

You make some good points. You cannot change your mother. You cannot control whether she chooses therapy or--if she does--whether she does the work once she's there. It sounds like you want her to change, and I think most of us have wanted that for our parents. We want them to stop suffering and to stop overwhelming us. The truth is, we simply don't have the power to change other people or to make them want to change themselves. This is a reality we have to learn to accept. I learned a lot from this article and video, perhaps it would be helpful for you, too: Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

Does any of that help you?

Wishing you peace,

PF