Forming unhealthy attachments

[trainwreck4]

Do any of your children form intense attachments to people that are beyond reason?  My BPD17 daughter has always had intense attachments to women, be it a neighbour, friend of the family, or now teachers and social workers at school. I am convinced this pattern is hijacking her mental health, because she is able to think only of these people and will do ANYTHING to get attention from them, whether its accusing her family of abuse, to pretending she was raped... .   These people at school have their hearts in the right place, but they are actually feeding into this behavior and I am worried about how she will do when she has outgrown (not necessarily graduated) this school. In the adult world, these types of relationships are not sustainable, and I worry how life will be when she is rejected over and over as an adult. I am unable to do anything to curb this and the school does not want to hurt her feelings. Has anyone dealt with this, and what did you try?  What worked?  Thanks for reading!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

I am not sure this is the same but my dd16 does form rather intense attachments to people and friends. For my dd I think these relationships are intense because she really tries to mirror this new person. anytime there is a new friend in my dd's life (which is pretty often) she takes on the characteristics of that person. She mimicks them in how they dress... . what they like to do... . their goals etc.

Have you looked at what attracts your dd to these people at school? Is she drawing some strength from them? does she admire them? I really don't thik there is anything you can do... . I let the friendship run it's course and she on to the next person. As long as these people know the truth I see no harm. It is not right for her to be making these kind of accusations against you but I trust you have talked with these teachers and counselors and they know the truth?

I don't really know if your dd will be rejected over and over again when older but for right now she is trying to form a bond with these people for whatever reason... . maybe you should look at that? Does she see them as friends? or do they listen well to her? Is that the attention she is seeking?

[trainwreck4]

The people at school have made her into kind of a pet, she does not have to attend classes, she does not have to follow rules like other students, she is treated like a colleague more than a student. The school has seen through her stories, I am not concerned about that. I think she deludes herself that she will goto live with these women. These women are always approving of whatever her behavior is and rarely challenge her for these behaviors (such as not attending classes). Her school social worker actually said what is the problem with her not going to class?  She is getting 80's!  My problem with it is that she is being taught by these people that she is above the rules, and that as long as she is nice, there are no expectations on her. They are also afraid she will commit suicide if they don't go along with her. My perspective is that these people have the power to help her here and they won't. In the real world there are rules, expectations, and responsibilities. I am scared of the blow to her when she is no longer "special". I remember you posting about your daughters intense attachments. And if I remember correctly, you weren't the only one who posted about this.  Thank you jellibeans!

[Thursday]

We have definitely seen this behavior and it continues, usually revolves around an older woman to fill the "Mom" spot (BPDSD22's Mom died when she was 12/13 and I am step-mom, came into her life when she was 14/15.

As she has gotten older she identifies with these older women (usually in their 40s- the age her Mom was when she died) more as friends and less as Mom but she does still sometimes call them Mom in her facebook posts and conversations.

Of course, I never met her Mom but her Mom was a business professional and I am pretty sure she was shy and retiring but the women SD gets involved with are typically hard and have been involved in either alcoholism or drug abuse but are now sober (she meets them through AA.) When SD was using the women were addicts or alcoholics... . not healthy Mother figures and typically sort of flashy and over made-up or looking like Honey Boo-boo cast members, in unhealthy relationships, and immature.

She has also looked for alternate family situations. She has identified with several other families, calls them her Second Family or something like that.

SD acknowledges that she has very limited interest in growing up.

She currently lives with her GM (has since she left a sober house stay (she was there about a year when she was 18/19.) GM fosters a lot of her unhealthy behaviors and makes a lot of excuses for SD's maladaptive behaviors but does have a few healthy boundaries in place... . a few. It seems to be a good relationship for SD as she helps the GM do things, drives her around, goes out to eat with her when she doesn't want to cook (she is fairly recently widowed). I don't worry that this is not a relationship with the same unhealthy boundaries as SD's other older women friends.

Currently SDs best friend (she is about 44 I think) introduces her as "one of my daughters". It worries me.

SD has, as long as I've known her, had adult women who mother her and who just can't believe the bad behavior she shows to some of the rest of us.  This includes therapists/ we sent her to a wilderness therapeutic camp and when we met her therapist there, it was clear the T was totally bamboozled... . until SD let her guard down during her graduation night when we sat together as a family around the campfire with the therapist and SD started with opening up the F-bomb bay doors and ended with pulling out a handful of her own hair when her Dad pushed a point about her lack of compliance with the rules of the camp.

Your DD's school folks- ooh that sounds bad... . is there any way you can get her into some place less enabling? My SD is extra perceptive to a person's need to mother her, she sees it and goes gravitates to these people. It doesn't change until they do something to disappoint her.

When we first met, it was in my nature to work at getting to know her. I found her to be very needy, over clingy and found it very hard to make much headway with getting to know her. So, for me, my perspective is a bit different than a Mom who has seen their daughter from the beginning and certainly very different from "that type" who wants to mother more by rote. Because I actually was becoming a mother-figure in her life I wanted it to be REAL and not just lip-service.

My SD struggles with real. But we do have a good and getting better relationship and I am working to improve things now that I've had some space to heal from the intensity of life with her under our roof.

thursday

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi trainwreck,

I have dealt with something very similar. My dd, now 20, is very pretty & charming, and was able to get through high school the same way as your daughter. When not raging (which she saved for her bf & her family only), she's quite pleasant to be around. So the school social workers and administrators, starting in elementary school all the way through graduation, were very enabling. One even invited my daughter to her wedding!  Also they just want to keep the peace & avoid providing any special services.

My dd did find out how the real world works, however, when she stormed off a job she loved and held for a year. Imagine her shock when they fired her. No second chances!

I used some of the tools I learned here to talk to her after that. We were able to get a pretty good dialog going. It works when she's open... . I have to grab those rare windows whenever I can. Otherwise it's like talking to the wall. I don't know if this would work for you, but I try taking her with me in the car whenever I can. She likes to go to the stores with me. If she's not open to talking, I will chatter about music, gossip, etc. But if I can see she's open to talking, there's my chance. The more time we spend in the car or in the supermarket together, the more opportunities I get, but I don't try to push anything. I let her come to me. This way, she's not suspicious that I have an agenda whenever I ask her if she wants to go to the store.

She got another job & I think she learned something.

[trainwreck4]

Thursday, she is my birth child, but it is always the mother figure she is seeking. It does hurt me, but it is beyond that now. I worry about her living in a dream world, because when people do that, they crash back to reality pretty violently... .   This is not new, but the difference is that the school is feeding it. I worry about relationships for the future. She doesn't seem to bother with her peers much.

PaullaJeanne, your post gives me hope!  I also try to talk in the truck on our way to different shopping destinations. And sometimes I can get through to her, and sometimes its like talking to a wall.   I have taken great pains to teach my children that they must earn everything, and the school has undone all my teachings. But she does work construction sometimes and she doesn't fool around there. Maybe she does this at school because they allow it?  I just worry because relationships that are so needy are not well received in a normal environment and I don't want her hurt!

[theplotthickens]

Unfortunately, my daughter's primary way of making "friends" is by making them feel sorry for her.  She loves the attention.  She makes me out to be a monster, distorts the truth, and says anything to get attention.

I think it is a social skills deficit, as well as an attachment issue.  She will attach to anyone, other than me.