Last letter and no contact question for the pro's.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have posed on this before but had a question for those of you who are pro's at this.

My (I guess Ex now) HPD diagnosed girlfriend had argument over dinner two weeks ago. I had told her that her lack of empathy and filters during normal conversations was getting bothersome. The empathy talk was personally painful because elven after my mothers funeral (4 hours after), she decided to yell at me for posting 'like" on Facebook regarding a woman I know, but have nothing but a professional relationship with. This took priority over my horrible day burying my mother. I lost count of how often she did these subject changes at inappropriate times and she did apologize when I caught her on them. To make a long story short, I think I was tiring of the behavior and it must have shown because she confronted me about it the day we had that dinner and blow up. Ever since, she has not called me, cut me off of facebook, deleted all my photos and went NC.  The night we had the argument, I sent her an email saying how ridiculous the night went, and that we needed to calm down and talk. I did not hear from her all night. The next day I sent another stating that I thought it was childish to behave that way and was pissed that she was ignoring me. I have not heard anything since. She is 40 years old!

My question is. She went NC as did I. I have used NC and it works great. I feel compelled to simply say that I think its best to stay away and be friends, but not sure if that is wise. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[cheaptrick]

I have posed on this before but had a question for those of you who are pro's at this.

My (I guess Ex now) HPD diagnosed girlfriend had argument over dinner two weeks ago. I had told her that her lack of empathy and filters during normal conversations was getting bothersome. The empathy talk was personally painful because elven after my mothers funeral (4 hours after), she decided to yell at me for posting 'like" on Facebook regarding a woman I know, but have nothing but a professional relationship with. This took priority over my horrible day burying my mother. I lost count of how often she did these subject changes at inappropriate times and she did apologize when I caught her on them. To make a long story short, I think I was tiring of the behavior and it must have shown because she confronted me about it the day we had that dinner and blow up. Ever since, she has not called me, cut me off of facebook, deleted all my photos and went NC.  The night we had the argument, I sent her an email saying how ridiculous the night went, and that we needed to calm down and talk. I did not hear from her all night. The next day I sent another stating that I thought it was childish to behave that way and was pissed that she was ignoring me. I have not heard anything since. She is 40 years old!

My question is. She went NC as did I. I have used NC and it works great. I feel compelled to simply say that I think its best to stay away and be friends, but not sure if that is wise. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[LettingGo14]

I feel compelled to simply say that I think its best to stay away and be friends, but not sure if that is wise. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Harvej, I'm sorry you are going through this.  I do not consider myself a "pro" at recovery, although I was a "pro" at recycling.  I wrote several "last letters" and, I am going to tell you, truthfully, all it did was cause more pain for me.  Why?  Because I did not get the closure I wanted.

For me, my relationship left me emotionally beaten.  Whatever wound it opened (or re-opened), I finally realized - with help from this community - that only I could heal myself.   I have come to believe that, no matter how well or poorly I could articulate myself to my xBPDgf, no contact is the only answer.  

It hurts like H*LL, yes.  But, the only way out is through.  

[NoCRV]

Hi Harvej,

I feel compelled to simply say that I think its best to stay away and be friends, but not sure if that is wise. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sorry not a pro here either but I think you have to ask yourself here is what do you want?  I think the email sends mixed messages.  You want her to stay away and be friends?  If you are sending the email to end it but remain friends in the future, I would skip it for now and save yourself the grief of her not responding.

NC is a great way to give yourself time to heal but is not a magical cure.  During NC you have to work on yourself and detach.  Just my two cents.

[heartandwhole]

Hi harvej,

I have to agree with LettingGo and CRV – that last email (in my case) gave me zero closure and caused more pain.  I know how hard it is, especially when this all went down so abruptly.  It's so natural to want to get some clarity, I think we all wanted that.

You might write out your feelings and not send.  It could help you find out where you are and what you really want.  Closure is ultimately something you can give yourself when you turn your focus exclusively toward your detachment and healing.

Do you think you can handle the same behaviors as friends? 

[myself]

The only closure my last letters brought were to show once and for all that things were never going to change for the better until I moved on and worked on making them better for myself. I read them again recently, and see I could have said a lot more, but should have said much less. There was really no reason to say anything, it was over.

If it's been better for you to stay NC, then stay NC.

No need to break it just to say it's working.

[Skip]

Not sure we have any exerts here... .

Is this the same person you broke up with in 2011?  I only ask to understand how much recycling there has been.

I think the healthy rule of  thumb is to wait a period of time - say 4 - 6 weeks if needed - and then either meet or send an email and close the relationship yourself.

The reason this is important is to release the relationship / end it / close it.  Otherwise, one or both of you is believing the door is cracked open.  Once you write that note, you will feel different.

Experts will say to keep it polite, respectful, strong and not requiring a response, but be open to answer basic questions. Don't ask any.

We're good healthy people.  We want to step up and do the right thing.  This part is hard.

Hazel,

We've had some up and downs, but overall I'm glad for the times we have had together.  I think you a good person and I think we don't do well together.  We've broken up a few times and gotten back together, but for me, this is the last time.  I want to close this chapter of my life and go on to the next. I wanted to let you know so that there was certainty for both of us.  I will always remember the good times.  

Scot

If you get a reasonable question, answer it simply.  

You don't love me anymore.

I loved you and I cared about and I don't know when that ends - I guess it fades in time.  But regardless of feelings, we just don't do well together and we certainly have tried and I want to move on.

If you get lashed out at, answer it simply.

You just used me and abused me and you are probably sleeping with _____.

My feelings were sincere.  I certainly made mistakes, and I apologize.  We can let that all go now.

And then go away.

Do you need to stay NC after this initial period?  That depends - often CC or LC is better as it doesn't trigger all the abandonment anxieties on either side.  Sometime NC is needed for longer if one side can't let go of the relationship or the fight.

[blissful_camper]

I agree with what other members have recommended.  I wrote a few letters myself and they fell on deaf ears.  Sure, it allowed me to vent, but it really didn't accomplish anything.  NC all the way, and don't look back.  Keep moving forward.  

[Louise7777]

Harvej, first of all my condolences on your mother passing away. Im sorry your exgf behaved in such way during such a terrible time.

I believe you got good advice from others, so I wont repeat what was already said.

But on a side note, I want to say that you dodged a bullet. I have at least 2 uHPDs who got obssessed and were stalking their exbfs. So, take it as a blessing in disguise.

The most important closure (and possibly the only one when you deal with a PD) is gotten from within yourself. The moment you are at peace with your decision, you get the closure you need. Dont expect it from them.

[Skip]

I agree with what other members have recommended.  I wrote a few letters myself and they fell on deaf ears.  Sure, it allowed me to vent, but it really didn't accomplish anything.  NC all the way, and don't look back.  Keep moving forward.  

Several have said this and I agree, too.  When we write a venting letter or an explain yourself letter, it not going to make us feel validated or vindicated.  If we weren't heard or didn't listen or both in the relationship, we probably aren't going to do well at that now in the breakup.  This is not a good thing.

A good bye letter is really something else.  Closure.

The most important closure is gotten from within yourself. The moment you are at peace with your decision, you get the closure you need. Dont expect it from them.

This is really important.  We have to close it ourselves. 

A lot of us struggle to let go of the relationship or the fight.

[cheaptrick]

No Skip, this is a new person since then. I guess my picker is bad.

My old GFwBPD got married 4 months after that last episode and divorced 4 months later and is engaged again.