Ran into suspected exBPD after 1 month NC: Look what she says

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok thank you again all for your posts.  I know this thread has been long enough. 

We will find out.  I'm not sure when that meeting will happen but  I've educated and prep myself enough to get a sense of what's going on.   

I will prepare for the worst and we will see how things go.  I'll definitely have an exit strategy somehow. 

A part of me wants to observe her a bit more to know for sure if she does have BPD.  So far it sounds so very likely. 

[LuckyNicki]

Ok thank you again all for your posts.  I know this thread has been long enough. 

We will find out.  I'm not sure when that meeting will happen but  I've educated and prep myself enough to get a sense of what's going on.   

I will prepare for the worst and we will see how things go.  I'll definitely have an exit strategy somehow. 

A part of me wants to observe her a bit more to know for sure if she does have BPD.  So far it sounds so very likely. 

[Split black]

LuckyNicki... . I have heard those types of words and far far worse... .   trust me when you read here,it does not get better.  It gets worse each time - with each recycle, the next phase of devaluation becomes worse -more severe.  And also correct is that there really is no middle ground.  It's a concept I struggle with accepting.  Even after all the time (over a year) that I've been on this website and trying to break out of this... .   I still find my heart not catching up with my head.  Even though both my heart and my head truly know it won't ever work. 

Stay strong with your no contact.  Except that at some point she will reach out.  That is when you need to be your strongest. 

This resonates with me. Ive been split black 4 times... this is the 5th and her crimes against our relationship, and toward me are so disrespectful and uncaring. Her kind words never match her actions. Her incredibly demonizing words do.  Ive been in a triangulated relationship for almost a year... . but Ive been bounced yet again. This time Im pretty sure for good. Which is ok. Its killing me but its for the best. Im thankful for finding this board. I spend time on here reading, when I feel like breaking NC. My god this is hard. Stay strong. Find the grit. 

[LuckyNicki]

Wow you've been split black 4x?  How bad were the splits?


I don't want to get back with this girl but I want her to split me back white so that can be civil amongst friends.  Is this possible?

[Take2]

LuckyNicki... . I know you weren't asking me this question but I'll still answer from my own personal experience... . I have tried and tried and tried to have things end on an amicable note since I work with my ex and we used to spend a considerable amount of time together just in the office alone.  I cannot count the number of recycles but it's bad. Very very bad.  And it's never stopped on a positive note. 

Everyone is different and I obviously don't know your ex-GF... . but I do know my ex-BF and he truly appears to be incapable of ending a r/s unless he completely paints the ex-partner black.  I've seen him do it with two prior GF's and now with me.  I've seen him do it with friends and family members.  Both of his parents did it to both of their mothers.  Stuff I just do not grasp - cutting out your own mother.  The cycles of abuse in that family are pretty entrenched.  Very very sad.

Anyway... .   I agree with what the others have said on here in that you should probably remove yourself from this group of friends or anywhere near this girl... . but I also know from personal experience,that you may need to experience more on your own with her... . either way - I wish you well... .   it is a very brutal experience to go thru.

[LuckyNicki]

Thank you for your reply.

Wow just wow.  I dont know what to say.   And if say I get painted white but I keep the distance, she may find a way to paint me black? 

This does align with the times i sense she was picking a fight. Its as if shes growing with someone else and then she feels some guilt so to fully toss me aside, she'll try to pick a fight and somehow make me seem wrong and its my fault.  I think this then helps her conscious to go to the other dood.

I may have to go further down the rabbit hole to observe her behavior to see if she is truly BPD.  I just have to equip myself well for all possible outcomes.

[Split black]

I didnt realize she was BPD until pretty recently... . I had to find explanations to her insane thinking and behaving. Im a great communicator. When I was white she was totally on my wavelength. Then WHAM. Discarded for no reason. No explanation. I have had many relationships in my lifetime... . bad breakups, some by me and others not... . but at the end of the day you knew where you stood. Human.

The splits destroyed me... . made me crazy... made me feel sick, discarded and used, each time worse because each time came after periods where I thought she understood normal thinking and caring. I always knew something was off with her. Her bullhit explanations. Now I know that maybe 10 percent of anything she ever told me was true.  I have several degrees and Im a very successful business owner.

To answer your question they all felt like it was over forever. But this time... . I called her out. I expressed myself quite eloquently and was brutal but not crude. I let her know she was a clinical borderline... . she was exposed. Her lying exposed. Her cheating undeniably exposed, no wiggle room. Instead of owning it... . of talking it through, some slight remorse is all i needed... .   no... .   I was cast out, and this time I just know its for good. I just wish now I pulled the trigger sooner as I had wanted to do so many times before.

Don't be like me. Just walk away with your dignity and pride intact.

[Take2]

This does align with the times i sense she was picking a fight. Its as if shes growing with someone else and then she feels some guilt so to fully toss me aside, she'll try to pick a fight and somehow make me seem wrong and its my fault.  I think this then helps her conscious to go to the other dood.

Without a doubt... .   I could always tell when my ex was likely talking to some new girl he'd met on a dating website (yep, I foolishly stayed thru that... . ) because he'd create some massive issue out of nothing to blame me about and have reason to break up with me and paint me black... .

And all of what Split black says... .   each time worse... .   each time you feel worse, sicker, used... .   and as he says... . don't be like ME either... . walk away now with your dignity intact... . it won't get easier.

[Split black]

This does align with the times i sense she was picking a fight. Its as if shes growing with someone else and then she feels some guilt so to fully toss me aside, she'll try to pick a fight and somehow make me seem wrong and its my fault.  I think this then helps her conscious to go to the other dood.

Without a doubt... .   I could always tell when my ex was likely talking to some new girl he'd met on a dating website (yep, I foolishly stayed thru that... . ) because he'd create some massive issue out of nothing to blame me about and have reason to break up with me and paint me black... .

And all of what Split black says... .   each time worse... .   each time you feel worse, sicker, used... .   and as he says... . don't be like ME either... . walk away now with your dignity intact... . it won't get easier.

Take2... . I feel your pain. Apparently I dont have a endless capacity for suffering, and I hope you dont either. Stay strong. Im determined to. Im so angry.

[Take2]

Thanks Split Black... . I can't even recognize who I have become as a result of this r/s... .   the strong, confident, outgoing, fun woman I used to be is a shattered mess with zero self esteem.  But I AM still in here and I don't have an endless capacity for suffering either.  I want to be happy and have fun again!   So -it's up to us right?  Stay strong... .

[Split black]

Thanks Split Black... . I can't even recognize who I have become as a result of this r/s... .   the strong, confident, outgoing, fun woman I used to be is a shattered mess with zero self esteem.  But I AM still in here and I don't have an endless capacity for suffering either.  I want to be happy and have fun again!   So -it's up to us right?  Stay strong... .

I feel you Take2. I just spent half the day on this board just so I wouldn't cave and break NC. I dont care if i have to spend 24 hours a day and night. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time until TIME HEALS this nightmare. Just like a junkie, because thats what we are going through. Extreme withdrawal. Ugh. Im going to go have a single malt and think about a new future with her totally DISQUALIFIED!

[goldylamont]

have you guys ever been frustrated by knowing there's really attractive people out there that always go for the wrong partner? like an attractive woman who always goes for the bad boys and complains about it. or an attractive guy that always goes for the fake-beauty and wonders why things never work out? it's kind of random but this came to mind for me--i don't want to be this guy... . at all. i truly love women, good strong independent women with integrity. and in a sense i feel that i'm disrespecting them by wasting my energy on someone with a pittance of their character. i really don't want to be that guy. so whatever i have to learn/grow/change about myself i'm willing to do so that i'm not 'that guy'. just came to mind so maybe it can give some strength or perspective.

there's a story about how this came to my consciousness--i have one male friend who recently broke up with his (diagnosed) BPDxgf. we actually shared r/s stories for years just to blow off steam and they were so similar! but i had no idea about BPD until long after my r/s was over. later on i suggested that he look into BPD and he tells me his gf was already diagnosed! anyways, my friend is a bit of a philosopher of sorts and loves to post up little anecdotes on social media... . lots of stuff about life and relationships, etc. well one day he posted some quote that showed frustration about women who chose to be with abusive men--and i had to tell him "um, Friend, don't you realize that *you* are choosing to be in an abusive r/s?" i don't think he sees it as such, keeps making excuses for her. but they are broken up for now so i hope he keeps it up. but anyways, ya, seeing *this* made me never want to be "that guy".

[LuckyNicki]

I definitely agree.   We have to be vigilant when it comes to these types of women and their emotional abuse.

It seriously messed with me hard and i am still struggling recovering from this.  I honestly never knew something like this even existed until it happened to me.

I still cant grasp how much it affected me.  When you give true love and they use it to abuse you. 

I do know I will be very careful with my next mate.  The thing is, im not even sure if these type of women knows how damaging they're causing to their man.

[Take2]

I feel you Take2. I just spent half the day on this board just so I wouldn't cave and break NC. I dont care if i have to spend 24 hours a day and night. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time until TIME HEALS this nightmare. Just like a junkie, because thats what we are going through. Extreme withdrawal. Ugh. Im going to go have a single malt and think about a new future with her totally DISQUALIFIED!

Splitblack... . so so true... . I'm a total addict.  It's insanely hard to kick the habit totally when I work with my ex !   You'd think it would be so easy given how HORRIBLY he has treated me.  And given that I have gone thru withdrawal so many times and it IS pure torture.  And each time I swear I'm beginning to get to the other side, he reaches out and does something that makes me some how fall right back into the black hole.

I'm having my glass of wine and thinking about a HAPPY future as a STRONG woman !   

[Take2]

I definitely agree.   We have to be vigilant when it comes to these types of women and their emotional abuse.

It seriously messed with me hard and i am still struggling recovering from this.  I honestly never knew something like this even existed until it happened to me.

I still cant grasp how much it affected me.  When you give true love and they use it to abuse you. 

I do know I will be very careful with my next mate.  The thing is, im not even sure if these type of women knows how damaging they're causing to their man.

Lucky Nicki... .    speaking from my own experience, it can be equally horrifying when it's a male borderline that one is involved with... .   truly scary... .    and yet no, I don't think my ex knows the extent of damage he causes... .

The night my dad was dying last year and I asked the ex to be by my side (because I had NO other family to be with me and I was alone)... .   he YELLED at me as he drove to a DATE with some girl he met off the internet and told me how inappropriate I was to ask him to do that... .   and that was long before he started to scare the ___ out of me... . no - he has NO idea how much damage he has done... . but honestly, now that it's a year later, I have to accept responsibility for staying and allowing this horrible abuse. 

time to stop... .

[LuckyNicki]

The thing with me is that I was just giving this girl the benefit of the doubt.  She was a good friend prior.  I've seen the things she's done for friends and has gone out of her way for things. 

And when I got close, she told me about some crazy traumas she's had and the things that has happened to her.  It's pretty bad.

Because the behavior is so evil and not aligned with her friendship personality, I suspected that it has something to do with the trauma.  And during our honeymoon stages, she was not confident about us for some stupid reason ( i never met a girl like that before).  Something just didnt add up until I found BPD. 

I've been with enough girls to recognize stringing along tactics etc.  But I also understand that when one is going through extreme depression (the big C), they need their space.  THIS was what effed me up here.  There was no way I would've endured this kind of abuse, I have the confidence to meet so many women.

In fact, my guts was very suspicious.  And I was scanning and monitoring to see if there was a 3rd person around while I was being strung with "i love you but I can't be with you cuz of my illness (c)".  How does one walk away from that?  Drove me sickly nuts. 

I feel for everyone on this board.  I've been going through many different emotions.  Tonight was anger.  I've just been bouncing from anger, compassion/sympathy, relief (yay im single), shock... .

This girl has told me that she never gets more than 3 hours of sleep at night.  I feel like I contracted that disease from her... .

[GhostDad]

My ex completely upended my entire life and did it with mal intent. She did it in while we were together pretending to love me and setting my up for unbelievable disaster and emotional distress like I've never known. Basically I tangled with the devil.

Wow. It's like we've lived in a parallel universe.

I realized my ex BPDw was setting me up as well. She just couldn't help herself. I overheard her on the phone with her Freind, saying;

":)on't worry, I don't really think he's going to hurt them"

Referring to me, somehow harming her friends pets that we were taking care of while they were on vacation.

There were many others as well. Like the time her Freind stopped by, blocked me in the driveway and tried starting a fight with me. Clinically termed, my ex utilized a proxy agent to engage textbook projective identification.

The Freind was overwhelmingly vested in the exes smears of my abusiveness and had been regaled with multiple examples. And yet, whenever interacting with me, there was never any evidence of it. She was so confounded, that she tried inciting me to behave in the manner described to her by my ex.