How do you handle when BPD is depressed?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

That is a generalized topic there, but specifically

My wife has graduated college with an Art Degree and she feels we do not have the money for her to start a studio (uh, yea, but I do not say that), and she does not want to teach.  As a result she does not use her degree.  She instead has been cleaning houses past couple of months and making great money $900 a week or so, but her body is killing her now and she does not think she can take it much more.  She feels she is an intellectual now and that it is wasteful being a "laborer" as she puts it.  I keep telling her that laboring does not make you unsuccessful, but she has no meaning. 

Now days she hates everything and every one.  She feels depressed constantly, and cannot find any direction to her life.  One day its sucking it up and teaching, another cleaning, another law school, another masters program, another who knows.  It it though constantly, demaning me and being emotionally abusive.  It is

a. you have no direction to your (speaking to me) future.  I do not know, but while I cannot say 5 years from now what I will be making, I can say I am in the 95 percentile of Americans now. 

b. I hate your family and my kids and I will never see them.  They are ruining our lives

c. I hate our house and everything about it

d. I hate you working so much

e. I hate you and your hobbies

f. I hate that you can sleep and I cannot

g. I hate that you can do something and act like nothing is wrong

h. I hate my car (not that old... 2008)

i. I hate my family

j. the kids are a mess, or the kids blame me for all thats wrong

Just a litany of problems and blaming me for everything.  I live in absolute terror... I am not exagerrating when I use that word... of each call she makes, each text she makes, conversation at home, and even sleeping because she will get mad if I fall asleep and she doesnt.  She wakes me up about every night venting on that.

This has gone on for months.  I honestly thing I may have PTSD from it.  I have shakes, nightmares, constant fear, and despite what therapists tell me is real... questioning everything about myself and who I am and what is reality around me because she sees things so differently

Is it possible this is all just because she feels she has no direction in life and feels guilt and depressed over it?

She is in therapy, and hates it.  she cannot feel what the therapist is trying to tell her to feel and do.  She feels that couples therapy is ganging up on her.

I honestly feel 90% of our problems are in her head, but you cannot say that to a spouse when you are working at it.  I certainly will do what the therapist says, but I am not getting the same feedback she gives me.  I want to be a better person and husband.

What can I do?  I am using tools from here validating, SET, etc, but its not getting anywhere

[hurthusband]

That is a generalized topic there, but specifically

My wife has graduated college with an Art Degree and she feels we do not have the money for her to start a studio (uh, yea, but I do not say that), and she does not want to teach.  As a result she does not use her degree.  She instead has been cleaning houses past couple of months and making great money $900 a week or so, but her body is killing her now and she does not think she can take it much more.  She feels she is an intellectual now and that it is wasteful being a "laborer" as she puts it.  I keep telling her that laboring does not make you unsuccessful, but she has no meaning. 

Now days she hates everything and every one.  She feels depressed constantly, and cannot find any direction to her life.  One day its sucking it up and teaching, another cleaning, another law school, another masters program, another who knows.  It it though constantly, demaning me and being emotionally abusive.  It is

a. you have no direction to your (speaking to me) future.  I do not know, but while I cannot say 5 years from now what I will be making, I can say I am in the 95 percentile of Americans now. 

b. I hate your family and my kids and I will never see them.  They are ruining our lives

c. I hate our house and everything about it

d. I hate you working so much

e. I hate you and your hobbies

f. I hate that you can sleep and I cannot

g. I hate that you can do something and act like nothing is wrong

h. I hate my car (not that old... 2008)

i. I hate my family

j. the kids are a mess, or the kids blame me for all thats wrong

Just a litany of problems and blaming me for everything.  I live in absolute terror... I am not exagerrating when I use that word... of each call she makes, each text she makes, conversation at home, and even sleeping because she will get mad if I fall asleep and she doesnt.  She wakes me up about every night venting on that.

This has gone on for months.  I honestly thing I may have PTSD from it.  I have shakes, nightmares, constant fear, and despite what therapists tell me is real... questioning everything about myself and who I am and what is reality around me because she sees things so differently

Is it possible this is all just because she feels she has no direction in life and feels guilt and depressed over it?

She is in therapy, and hates it.  she cannot feel what the therapist is trying to tell her to feel and do.  She feels that couples therapy is ganging up on her.

I honestly feel 90% of our problems are in her head, but you cannot say that to a spouse when you are working at it.  I certainly will do what the therapist says, but I am not getting the same feedback she gives me.  I want to be a better person and husband.

What can I do?  I am using tools from here validating, SET, etc, but its not getting anywhere

[letmeout]

Did she grow up with a parent who had those thought and behavior patterns? 

[hurthusband]

Did she grow up with a parent who had those thought and behavior patterns? 

Her mother is bitter at everyone, but is certainly not somebody who has to keep filling a hole with stuff.  She lives her life frugally and has a yearly trip, works a decent but not great job.  I do not think she is married to somebody she is in love with, but she gets by.  She can be a bit nasty, but does not have near the hostility towards everyone my wife does

One thing my wife also fails to see is that if somebody is a threat to her, how she maybe lead to that point

For instances, my wife hates my mother.  She thinks she is selfish, nosy, and a bad person.  Recently my mother called her and was a bit nasty with her over me and on Christmas Eve my mother was calm but told her to not hurt me...

My wife was calm and cool and good in those situations, my mom had crossed a line, but I do not think evil...

a week early I had gone to my parents in middle of night after my wife had been physically abusive towards me and gave me a black eye and wanted a suicide pact.  On Christmas Eve, when they had small words, my wife told my sister "who isnt your mother mad at"  My sister told my mother two texted my wife to please lets all get along.  My wife asked to speak with her telling her to mind her own business and tha resulted in my mother overstepping and telling her to keep her hands off me.

The night my mom texted... my wife through me out of the house, after I had taken my xanax for sleep.  She then called my stepdad after threatening me and he told my mother who was out with a friend drinking wine.  My mother got overly defense and I told hers she was wrong, but my wife does not seem to understand that none of these things were completely unprovoked

I mean in the past, my wife has made me miss by birthday party at my mothers cause she was out drinking with another man behind my back and I had to go get her.  She demanded i quit working in my families business to my mother then got upset when mom accepted resignation...   My wife was upset because my mother brought her granddaughter to my wife's graduation which seemed innocent enough

I just do not understand the anger.

Saturday night we had a nice night and went to her friend's bday party.  the next morning, we went to brunch which she wanted.  I skipped Church to take her.  Shrimp were not quite to her liking and all the sudden it became she cannot stand my presence...

She wanted me gone.  Then was upset I didnt comfort her which I tried.  Whole nightmare

[letmeout]

I am sorry that your spouse is so unstable. I was in your shoes for many years, and I know it is very hard to get free from the abuse. I even followed the advice on the board and tried to improve the relationship, but things just got worse and I finally had to remove myself from the marriage in order to save me.

My counselor at the time had me make a list of pros and cons for staying. Also a list of my spouse's good behaviors and bad behaviors in chronological order, much like keeping a log or journal. Its a real eye opener to see that in black and white.

[hurthusband]

I am sorry that your spouse is so unstable. I was in your shoes for many years, and I know it is very hard to get free from the abuse. I even followed the advice on the board and tried to improve the relationship, but things just got worse and I finally had to remove myself from the marriage in order to save me.

My counselor at the time had me make a list of pros and cons for staying. Also a list of my spouse's good behaviors and bad behaviors in chronological order, much like keeping a log or journal. Its a real eye opener to see that in black and white.

yea if i do that I know how it will read.  My wife I can honestly say does not bring anything 99% of the time.  When she is stable, the 1%, she is everything I could want, well not financial help any, but emotionally, mentally, friend, everything.  So i just keep seeing if I can somehow mitigate the unstable times.  The next problem is she has me so messed up in the head now that I do not know what is me and what is not.  Doctors, friends, family all say it is not me, but she knows me better than anyone. So maybe she knows me better and I am messed up.

I just do not know

[waverider]

I think there is an element of a frustrated sense of entitlement. The disorder comes with living in the now with immediate rewards,. Realistic long term planning to achieve goals is hard. This breeds frustration and resentment. Whole or nothing thinking leads to if something sucks, everything sucks. This is addressed by blaming everyone and everything around them (projection).

If you try to Justify and defend these issues that just adds substance to it, and her focus is then on the 'war ' to prove she is right, you are wrong.

This depresses you and she will mirror this back with interest as you are stealing her role of victim. Every victim needs a persecutor. You are the nearest, so thats you.

It is important not to engage in negativity, including trying to prove she is wrong to feel that way.

[letmeout]

That is so true, you can not argue with a BPD peson, it only escalates their BS.

Also, know that there is nothing wrong with you.

Repeat... . there is nothing wrong with you.

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with only 1% of what you need in a spouse?

[waverider]

That is so true, you can not argue with a BPD peson, it only escalates their BS.

Also, know that there is nothing wrong with you.

Repeat... . there is nothing wrong with you.

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with only 1% of what you need in a spouse?

Regardless of the cause and the mechanics of it. Depression is a serious issue, hence the high suicide rate of pwBPD. It can be addressed and is not necessarily the way it always will be. It is often just one end of the swing of extreme emotions.

If you can keep yourself out of it then wallowing in self pity will not be as fruitful.

[hurthusband]

the hard part is to defend your own good natured actions while not attacking.  They see you trying to rationally justify your actions as something you were trying to do for the good of them as an attack even

I just cannot see how to get around that.  You are right though, arguing is impossible.  It just feeds the rage.

The other weird thing is how it can swing from a level of Hitler hating Jews to love like a love story within an hour.  Yea, they can do that, but they expect us to also.  I mean, I never have as much hate as her... really none at all.  Just some frustration.  The problem is the swing back to everything great and i am still shell shocked by the verbal abuse

[momtara]

You are trying to find a logical reason for behaviors that are often illogical.  Sure, it's possible she can feel that she's not using her degree and creativity (that depresses a lot of us) but ask yourself:  If she had a studio tomorrow and was free to paint, or do something else, would she stop the abusive behavior, stop isolating you from your loved ones, etc?

She probably does have depression, but definitely other things (like BPD, as you know).  Maybe she can do a little art-related stuff, maybe enter competitions or start a website to show her drawings or whatever it is, just baby steps.  Most people do not make a good living at their art but they find a way to be creative and maybe sometimes that can lead to something.  

I think if she was doing more things she liked, sure, it would give her good direction and perhaps make her a little happier with herself.  But the behavior you write about is extreme and very damaging.  You tend to minimize it.  Why should you live in fear of falling asleep before she does?  :)o you criticize her if SHE falls asleep first?

No one should treat another person like that.  I know you love her and want her to get better.  Just don't minimize the behavior or think it's you.  It's not fair what you are going thru.  Maybe she could take an art class or something (although you both have no money) or some of the things I suggested above, and maybe her shrink has ideas.  But she is leading you to think that there are logical reasons for her illogical behavior.  As you yourself noted, each day she changes what direction she wants to go in.

My mother is mentally ill and she spent our whole lives saying she's be happy if we moved to a new town, if we did this or that.  It may help but it's not a full answer.

[momtara]

"So maybe she knows me better and I am messed up."

Boy, emotional abusers really are good at making people believe they are the cause of the problem! 

I'm sure you are not perfect.  Hell, you may have done some bad things.  But you don't deserve this.  Honestly.

You are probably codependent and kinda messed up because she is skewing your sense of reality.  It's not your fault.

[letmeout]

The other weird thing is how it can swing from a level of Hitler hating Jews to love like a love story within an hour.  Yea, they can do that, but they expect us to also.   The problem is the swing back to everything great and i am still shell shocked by the verbal abuse

That particular behavior would blow me away every time! Almost like a split personality, and then suddenly they get amnesia and appear to have no idea they just behaved like a fire breathing dragon and spewed a very abusive rage at you.

You are left traumatized while they act like they did nothing wrong, and they expect you to act like they did nothing wrong.

Its just crazy!  and the sad part is, it will make you crazy... .

[hurthusband]

The strange thing is...

I never knew this was out there like it was until now

I read that about 8% of people are BPD.  That is alot of people.  You would think people who know more about those around them, but I suppose BPD keep it quiet outside of family to a degree

[momtara]

That has bothered me too.  Also, we went to two marriage therapists who never suggested it, even tho it should have been obvious.  If I had known about it when I met my husband, I could have known what to expect.  Instead I found out after he had a meltdown one weekend and I had to file a restraining order.  A shame.  But sometimes it can't really make a diff anyway.  I wish there was good medicine for it.

[letmeout]

It seems to be a kept family secret for most, out of embarrassment usually. At first I would try to tell people how my BPD spouse was acting at home, and no one believed it. They would insist that human beings just don't act that way!

Well some do when they are mentally ill, but the general population has never seen or dealt with this behavior so its easy to understand how they can't comprehend it.

This site is wonderful in that it validates what you and others who deal with that type of disorder have gone through. You are not alone, and its not all in your mind, as your BPD person would have you believe.

[waverider]

It is a little known and recognized form of mental illness. Unless you have been through it if someone told you they were experiencing it. You would have no idea what they meant, and would probably forget what it was called the next day.

It is common to varying degrees, though I expect most sufferers, and those around them, never get a diagnosis or even hear about it, but just continue to have dysfunctional lives without ever really knowing why.

My PD radar now picks up the traits everywhere these days. It prevents me being over reactive with people who are easily triggered.

[gary seven]

HH,

Your posts made me cry, and reading everyone's responses help boost be back to the now.

My BPDw states sge is in the midst of a deep depression such that she wants to remain confined to the bed to sleep .  Right now in our lives we don't have the time for her to do this.

But arguing with them gets nowhere.  Yeah it's not the same inflammatory blame and violent fire-spurting (think Godzilla) that we are used to, that we tolerate. 

this is the crying perpertually over their realization of the relationship difficulties.

Personally I am holding my own boundaries, as small as they may be. 

I took my kids out at 7:30 am today to work on the vegetable garden.  In our pajamas!  She finally came out of bed to see our progress by 9 am.

I also set up my daughter's art desk in the basement and showed it to my daughter.  I got a nice smile. 

It took me longer than I would have wanted, but now I am out of the house and at work, and she understands she must take care of the children and feed them dinner.

That's about all I have for a goal today.

Oh, maybe I will go back to the couch to sleep since she is so restless: felt like I was a pothole being constantly repaved last night.

Take it in little increments.  It helps keep me sane.

[hurthusband]

Yea... last Wednesday we were looking pretty bad... so the new norm.  Then suddenly, she wanted me to go to a concert she told me not to earlier in the day.  We got along great, and got along the next day.

Friday she had to go to Europe with her parents for 8 days.  They thought it would be a good graduation present (well they paid about half, and didnt tell me until they gave her the present I had to pay for half).  I would be watching kids the next week and taking care of everything while they are gone.

Friday went well enough... She was flying so not much from her over there and the kids were fine.  I had a nightmare at work to deal with but still got it all handled.

Saturday, things got a bit awkward.  I had instructions to take the youngest to boy scouts and drop him off for a 4 hour deal.  then i would head to work for a couple of hours and get a bunch of stuff done around the house witht he oldest still there.  Well, turns out I was supposed to actually supervise this whole thing at Scouts.  I was irritated that nobody told me ahead of time so I could prepare.  Stil wife was nice about it and apologized for her father who is the one that pushes all this scout stuff that they hate sometimes.  I let them have friends over which their mom would have not liked and had a sleepover. 

Sunday, got worse... same thing at scouts... went over... and instead of dropping off they told me again i needed to supervise whole thing for 4 hours in the cold.  Was not pleasant and i had their friends still at home witht he oldest and alot of stuff to get done... to make matters worse, wife was over there and her father fainted and was complaining about breathing problems and neck/back pain.  So they were all worried about being in Europe and him having a heart attack.  The trip is suddenly not going so well...

I hear today that she is fighting with them.  They are telling her where she has to sit, where and when she can and cannot use the restaurant and then even telling her what to drink. Her sister accuses her of taking some stamps and immediately pounces on her stuff rummaging through it over.

She is hating it now, and its telling me alot of why she is so angry and way she is.  It also worries me she is going to come back worse because of the stress and their demanding personalities.  My wife is 33 years old and being treated like a 5 year old.  I mean they are over there and controlling my life with kids on different levels!

Makes me feel sick now.  She constantly texting cause she upset from them.  that cant help phone bill... .

I have some events next week I have been looking forward too for months.  i have a feeling they will be torched by her when she gets back.  I am guessing a possible final blow up in next couple of weeks

I notice when she is gone there is alot of stuff to handle, but no real feeling of fear in me.  I do get it when she calls or texts though

[waverider]

Hurthusband

How much of this drama with her family is as one sided as she makes out? It sounds like my partner with her family. They are controlling and my partner likes to be the victim, and so the same scenario plays out with them being together even after a few hours.

To watch it is an education with her constantly provoking controlling behavior. Almost like a kid provoking a dog to bark, then running to mum.

By complaining to you she is putting you in the role of rescuer, hence not letting you out of her virtual sight (abandonment issues). This means you dont get a real break either.

If I am away from my partner she is always on the phone complaining about somebody who is doing her wrong, or some ailment. I am required to be her 'helpline', she can't function without that anchor line in my absence.

[letmeout]

I am sorry that you are not getting any recovery time while she is gone.

I would also get calls all hours of the day and night when mine was on a trip, just to make sure I doing what I was suppose to be doing.

You'll have to stop following their demands, it sounds like their whole family is dysfunctional at best. I know there will be hell to pay when she gets back, but you have to protect your sanity!

[gary seven]

HH, Waverider and gang:

So much truth, so much hurt. 

Interesting views are coming out about the FOO of the adult pwBPD.  They do control their children. 

I have another example of bad grandparents doing all the wrong things in front of my kids:

Last spring, it was agreed at the last minute that my in laws would fly in to our town and drive the wife and kids on a spring break cruise. Both to and from. I stayed home to work.

Well things eroded in the car.  In about 6 hours I started getting phone calls and texts as the complaining and blaming began.

Because of the all the arguing I had to find them a separate hotel than the grandparents .  I had to arrange for long term parking since the original plan was to fly.

The "confines" of the ship (3000 + people) did nothing to relax the parties: it only got worse and I heard about it whenever she was close enough to email or call. 

It got so bad, that upon disembarkation my inlaws refused to drive my wife and my kids back to our home (as agreed upon).  So there I was rescuing them, leaving work, taking a taxi to the airport to fly to a close airport, sleep over at a cousin's apt and then get dropped off at a neutral meeting point to pick up my wife and kids so I could drive them the 14 hrs back home.  Real classy grandparenting if you ask me.

Now that my wife is in the depression, her Dad is flying out (without the Mom) to be here.  On the one hand it may be good, but he has been acting like a counselor including his naming me as part of the problem with my wife. 

For peacekeeping sake I am not responding back.  He is not my T.

The current crisis I think is an adverse reaction to meds that has her uncontrollably crying and asking to be taken to a hospital. 

I do think I am part of the problem, but as I learn here from the community, it is our job to learn, stand up and grow.  It is proving to be very slow and difficult process.


So for tonight's boundary in the maelstrom, I got to spend some alone time with my oldest S9.  We played rummy in the kitchen.  Tomorrow he is going to get braces.  So we enjoyed a big box of Milk Duds, our favorite, and I explained to him they won't be part of his food groups for a while.  But he was happy to hear avacados and snow caps are just fine.

[momtara]

Four hours in the cold?  I am so sorry.  They are really walking all over you, controlling your time even while they are gone.  But I am glad you get to breathe for 8 days.

I hope you do get to take a little pleasure in this time off from arguing.  Hope the kids are enjoying it too.

You're a good person for doing the scout stuff.  I hope you get to do the activities you're looking forward to.  And I hope she doesn't come back even worse.  Seems like predicting that sort of things is pointless in the end.

Hang in there HH!

[waverider]

When it comes to dysfunctional FOO, the best thing is to stay outr of it. The interactions are complex and everyone's input is detrimental at many levels with layers of provocation and projection happening. They will be a lot of reactionary mirroring to. Sticking your nose in is like adding fresh meat to recipe.

Your wife may simply be the weakest link in a damaged chain

[SweetCharlotte]

Since she has these weaknesses, AND an art degree, AND presumably an "artistic temperament," I suggest that her working as a charwoman will not work out in the long run. It really does feel demeaning when I put myself in her shoes. It doesn't matter that she makes good money at it. She will resent you for it and you will pay through the nose.

Understandably, you don't have the resources right now to set her up in her own studio. In addition, she doesn't want to teach art. That's too bad, because it's one of the things artists can do to keep afloat. I have several friends who went to art school. Here are some of the other options they have tried:

1) desk-top publishing; doing layout on the computer for people who need various kinds of documents and/or graphics.

2) art therapy. Similar to teaching art but less competitive.

3) administrative assistant in an "artsy" setting, such as an art gallery.

These may not pay as much as cleaning houses/buildings, but janitorial work is bound to make her symptoms worse. For someone with an art degree, this would be very depressing.

Hope she at least comes back from Europe refreshed by her travels, if not by the company and the behavior cycles.

[hurthusband]

Since she has these weaknesses, AND an art degree, AND presumably an "artistic temperament," I suggest that her working as a charwoman will not work out in the long run. It really does feel demeaning when I put myself in her shoes. It doesn't matter that she makes good money at it. She will resent you for it and you will pay through the nose.

Understandably, you don't have the resources right now to set her up in her own studio. In addition, she doesn't want to teach art. That's too bad, because it's one of the things artists can do to keep afloat. I have several friends who went to art school. Here are some of the other options they have tried:

1) desk-top publishing; doing layout on the computer for people who need various kinds of documents and/or graphics.

2) art therapy. Similar to teaching art but less competitive.

3) administrative assistant in an "artsy" setting, such as an art gallery.

These may not pay as much as cleaning houses/buildings, but janitorial work is bound to make her symptoms worse. For someone with an art degree, this would be very depressing.

Hope she at least comes back from Europe refreshed by her travels, if not by the company and the behavior cycles.

She went ahead and got a BFA instead of just a BA so she is specialized in ceramics, but she does not like doing pottery, only ceramic sculpture.  She hates teaching in all forms cause she just does not like people that much which is what drew her to cleaning originally.  She could clean and nboody bother her.  As far as desktop publishing, most of the art people I been around do not like it unless they are actually in that field.  glass blowers, ceramics, sculpture people all seem to prefer to have their hands on something and like my wife do not like desktop publishing. 

She would also view administrative assistant as a downgrade... .

My wife before me was not used to nicer things before me.  She was raised in a working class, low income home that moved up to middle class.  I was raised in an upper class household with way more than somebody should have.  When we first got together, I had just graduated college and was just starting my career, but I had money saved, was good with money, and it was just me so I could take her to do the things that I knew and was used to growing up

... but as time went on she got used to things and as my pay increased, her spending increased at a faster rate.  Eventually, I just could not suppor the lifestyle I grew up with, so I tapered back, but she does not seem to be able to.  while she will shop at Kohl's I cannot just get her a gift at Neiman's... it has to be certain brands that are acceptable at Neiman's.  She does not like anything but luxury vehicles that are only a couple of years old...

Basically, she will not be happy unless she is an artist who does not have to talk to people and can make 6 figures.  I do not think that is a realistic goal.  I do not think ANY artist at some point in their career did not have to play the politics of the art world

[waverider]

There seems to an element of entitlement. Do you think there any traits of narcissism?

[SweetCharlotte]

Has she tried selling her work on Etsy?

[hurthusband]

There seems to an element of entitlement. Do you think there any traits of narcissism?

there is a bit of that now.  Certainly grown some.  At same time, she breaks down and feels that she is a failure in every way and not worthy of anything so I think its all something to do with BPD still

one thing interesting is that she is HATING her travel to Europe with her parents. She is ready to just buy a flight back today early.  Her family is driving her nuts.

for instance.  last night she got back to her room and found her sister laying in bed.  My wife's version fo story is

Wife asks sister "you look like you feel sick"

Sister replies"my ear is killing me".  they are on Alps right now so we all can see why

Wife replies "I am sorry, is there anything I can go and get you or do for you"

Sister replies "you can start by shutting the hit up"

that basically sums up how her sister has been conversing with her the whole time.  Meanwhile parents are springing crap on them at the last minute and trash talking everyone they see.

My wife keeps saying how they are mean miserable people.  I do not say "well, thats basically how you are", but I am guessing she has to be thinking that... "am i like that"  I mean she grew up in the household

maybe it opens her eyes that things are not so bad in her own home.  Plus while she has been gone I have worked, taken care of kids, 3 scout events, had front door installed on house along with other doors, gotten her car fixed, etc all by myself

[hurthusband]

Has she tried selling her work on Etsy?

Yes, she does do that some.  She mainly does ceramic wall peices though.  She does not like the wheel nor pottery very much.  She prefers ceramic sculpture.  Some are 500 lbs and contain 3,000 seperate pieces that hang so the downside is shipping can be quite dangerous on a number of items and even more costly than the piece itself which kind of hurts it on Etsy.

Basically if she did pottery ceramics or she did some other art like painting, or glass it would be more feasible...

Not that i would tell her, but she found about the most isolated/specialized form of art that is feasible for transport, for customer base, cost ($1000 in materials alone I have seen on peices), etc that makes it difficult.

There are many people who are willing to help her with contacts in the art community, but with lack of wanting to even talk to people... not out of shyness... . makes it hard to market/sell anything period.  My wife is not shy at all, but people piss her off.  Small things such as even the way they chew food will make her incredibly agitated.  Simply asking "how was your day?" she might find agitating for some reason

[Grey Kitty]

Basically, she will not be happy unless she is an artist who does not have to talk to people and can make 6 figures.  I do not think that is a realistic goal.

It doesn't sound like a probable outcome to me either.

However, this is simply what she is demanding of you and the world... . her capacity to be happy is a different thing entirely!

It also isn't your job to tell her this. She will figure it out at her own pace, probably better than if you tried to tell her.

Let go of her problems, validate that she is hurting WITHOUT trying to solve her problems (unless they are ones you can easily and simply solve, unlike this!)

You may need to enforce boundaries based on your combined income; this may go best by separating your finances as much as you can.