the data

[corraline]

For myself...

When i go into wondering if he's with a new person or not i start to freak out and feel like a victim.

Altho it has been his pattern in the past it could be likely it is at present

But the fact is... . i don't have this data at the moment and its not going to do me any good to presume that my fear of the past experience is the present situation.

maybe im just being naive again

But Its a waste of time and just another way i hurt myself and focus on him instead of me

so until i get or if i get any clear hard data or info on this i gotta stay with myself and not go there .

yikes thats hard for me

[LettingGo14]

yikes thats hard for me

None of this is easy Corraline, but you are wise to be here, reading and posting.  That's a great start.

The challenge for each of us is to detach from the other person, to the point where it does not matter if xBPD is with someone else. 

What you are experiencing is normal.  I, for one, wondered to the point of near madness how & when I had been replaced.  Ultimately, it served no purpose.

I am still in the process of "unhooking" myself from the r/s.  And this community has been a big help.  I'm slowly, but surely, feeling compassion for myself.   

I try to use my imagination to visualize a world where I am free and on my own.   It takes time, but you're off to a good start by joining this community.

[corraline]

thanks letting go

and yes, i have been  driving myself to not only near madness but absolute insanity trying to figure out what he is doing

that is the problem here.

so much energy focusing on him instead of myself

mostly cause i can't stand the emptiness of how i feel about myself without him

that wasn't good for him either.

i know this

[corraline]

and as long as i continue to overly focus on who he is or was or what he did or is doing now... . the longer it will take for me to heal myself and get well

i think having awareness about what happened and what part i played with someone who may have BPD is  good learning and revealing about myself and the situation

but i have to accept who i am without punishing myself for it.

and not demonize him or punish him either

that doesnt serve either of us

all i know is , he is gone and i still feel yucky.

so its my yuckiness.  ptsd, trauma, depression,  abuse or not

its still my yucky feeling i am dealing with now.

im trying to work with the belief behind the yucky... .

and what comes up for me when i look for  the belief or thought behind it is... .

im not good enough for anyone

so i gotta deal with it now.

[woodsposse]

When me and ex split, initially I didn't even want to know what was going on with her. She left thing in such financial shambles I didn't even know how I was gonna keep the house ir even buy food.

but I didn't let it get me down and a few months later I landed in my feet and even started a new r/s. Then she came back like gang busters... . saying some of the right stuff but I couldn't trust her any longer.

eventually some of the data came out... . that is some of the truths she had been lying about.

it didn't make the situation any better. It just made more questions come up and she wasn't about to answers them.

so instead of driving myself crazy trying to figure it out I let it go.

I know I never lied or cheated... . so I sleep well at night.

I finally came to the understanding of the disorder but what she did is still what she did. That is for her to own

[Allmessedup]

I find mindfulness hard a lot of the time.  It's better now (9 weeks out) but still I have these times where I am wondering what is going on what is she doing, who is she with... .

It can drive me crazy!

But sometimes I can be clear headed enough to realize the message behind the obsessing.  For me it's the lack of control.  I get terrified when I can't control things.  And by not knowing her actions that leaves me out of control and feeling vulnerable.  That's my own FOO stuff.  But it helps a lot when I can recognize for myself what I am doing.

I don't think I explained that very well... . but the Susan Anderson book that was posted on here helped a lot in this regard for me.

One of the exercises in the book depicts your "outer child". My outer is way mad!  And she tries to protect  my inner child by controlling everything.     It's a very interesting way to look at things and has some lessons on how to regain control of your outer child that I have found helpful to me at least.

Tonight I had a devil of a time with feeling like this so I wanted to share that

[corraline]

Allmessedup

Liked your honesty and insight

Thanks

[blissful_camper]

I think many of us went through or are still going through what you're experiencing now.  I know I did.  It's really hard. 

I knew my ex would move on, but I didn't expect him to move on to another full-blown r/s as quickly as he did.  That's what hurt the most.  The ease in which he moved so quickly from one r/s to the next. 

I'm working on not taking that personally.  I'm working on not taking any of it personally. If I'd had the choice, I would have rather not known that he had moved on. What you're experiencing will pass. Focus on yourself and your own healing.  Perhaps then, if you do find out he has a new r/s, it won't be as painful. 

[woodsposse]

But sometimes I can be clear headed enough to realize the message behind the obsessing.  For me it's the lack of control.  I get terrified when I can't control things.  And by not knowing her actions that leaves me out of control and feeling vulnerable.  That's my own FOO stuff.  But it helps a lot when I can recognize for myself what I am doing

Something you wrote resonates with me - but not for the reasons you say it.  I don't think it is a lack of control... . not knowing her actions shouldn't feel like you are out of control - but it does mean you don't have the data to make a conscious choice.  That is control of your environment.  An there is nothing that shouldn't be terrifying in not understanding your environment.

I don't think you need the information about what she is up to because you need to control things... . but rather, at least know what you are up against.  The difference here is choice, not control.

We obsess over things we are really searching for an answer to - and in this case, things don't make sense.  Why not try to have them make sense

Well... . that my to cents

[Allmessedup]

Thanks woods posse

That is it... . I don't need to control her at all... but I do need to stop feeling like my world is out of control... . none of this makes sense on some days... . and that is terrifying to me.

Thank you for clarifying that for me... it helps!