Pregnant by abusive BPD man.

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Hi. I am so glad I found this site as, right now, I feel like I am going crazy!

My situation is this. I met my boyfriend about 6 months ago through a dating site. I had been happily single for 10 years, bringing up my son who is now 17 (his father died when he was 4). After seeing him for a few weeks I realised that everything he had told me about himself was a lie. He lied about practically everything in an attempt to make himself sound successful when in actual fact he was out of work and living with his mother and her partner. Instead of walking away, I stupidly decided to be my understanding self and carried on the relationship. BIG MISTAKE. He reeled me in. My self-esteem began eroding. He would instruct me on how to do the most basic things like I was a toddler.He started his splitting behaviour and I couldn't understand what would trigger his meltdowns. AT this point I KNEW there was something wrong with him but couldn't put my finger on it. His stories about his (evil) ex didn't add up. He would twist everything to blame me for his actions. Everything was my fault. His mother kicked him out of her house and even had him arrested and got a restraining order so he could not be on their property. His mother loves him dearly and tries to support him but she could not live with the consequences of his behaviour any more.

There is so much more to the story, but to keep short I will cut to the chase. I found out  was pregnant BIG SHOCK after we had been together for only 2 months. I am 40 years old and never expected to have another child. I was determined to have a termination as I KNEW there was something wrong with him. At this stage I suspected psychopathy but it just didn't add up. He was begging me to keep the child but I knew deep down I couldn't. He had a already cheated on me once and was constantly trawling FB to find woman to seduce. 2 days before I was due to have the termination, I had a miscarriage. He was with me at the time and was wonderful (the wonderful 'good' side). I was sad but relieved. However, over the next 4 weeks I was constantly sick - kept going back to the doctor telling them something was not right but they just said it was normal after a miscarriage. Eventually my BF insisted that I go for a scan because I suspected that there might still be foetal tissue in there. Well you can imagine my (and the Sonographer's) surprise when there on the screen was a baby! It turns out that I had miscarried a twin and was over 13 weeks pregnant with a baby! BF was over the moon. Bear in mind that all this time I had been going through hell with his online cheating, one day loving me, the next day saying he doesn't want to be with me, rages, aggression etc. I knew it would be best to abort baby even though, because of how far gone I was I really didn't want to. He convince me to keep baby. He said all the right things and treated me like a queen.

I am now in the situation where I am over 15 weeks pregnant. Last week found out that he had spent the weekend with a woman he had met online and not only that, he phoned me on the Friday asking if I could lend him £100 as he was going out with friends! So he used MY MONEY to pay for his date. When I found out I did not get a sorry - instead it was turned around on me, It is all my fault because a) I am a 'snoop' and b) He did it because I suspected he was doing it. He lied and deceived me so much I KNEW something was going on and whenever I said anything he would get angry that I would ever think such a terrible thing of him. So I have had nothing but hell since I found out. He is sending me texts messages saying the most awful hurtful things about me. Really terrible. You would not believe the things he has said. Then the next minute he texts and is all reasonable but the moment I text back and try to have a conversation it turns nasty. He is blaming everything on me. I am now considering a termination. I cannot take any more of this. His behaviour is horrific and I feel like I am falling apart mentally. He is trying to get me to keep the baby which, to me signals that he is not finished with me yet even though he says he doesn't want to be with me. It hasn't crossed his mind that I might not want to be with him. He is going to use baby to control me just like he does with his ex (who BTW has a restraining order against him. He was jailed for a month last year for harassment and threats to her).

So now I have to decide if I should keep baby which is what I really want to do as I have seen scans and really love baby, or to terminate and get that monster out of my life for good. He is 100% BPD - I have NO DOUBT. He destroys everyone around him and I fear he is close to destroying me. 6 months ago I was confident, happy, sociable and content. I was ready to embark on a new life and hoped to meet a partner. I am now an emotional wreck. I feel like I am losing myself. I am trying to be strong and realise that it is him and not me. There is so much more to tell about the things he has done to me but that would be a novel.

Thanks for this opportunity to vent. Has anyone else had the dilemma of being pregnant by a BOD man?

[Shell00]

Hi. I am so glad I found this site as, right now, I feel like I am going crazy!

My situation is this. I met my boyfriend about 6 months ago through a dating site. I had been happily single for 10 years, bringing up my son who is now 17 (his father died when he was 4). After seeing him for a few weeks I realised that everything he had told me about himself was a lie. He lied about practically everything in an attempt to make himself sound successful when in actual fact he was out of work and living with his mother and her partner. Instead of walking away, I stupidly decided to be my understanding self and carried on the relationship. BIG MISTAKE. He reeled me in. My self-esteem began eroding. He would instruct me on how to do the most basic things like I was a toddler.He started his splitting behaviour and I couldn't understand what would trigger his meltdowns. AT this point I KNEW there was something wrong with him but couldn't put my finger on it. His stories about his (evil) ex didn't add up. He would twist everything to blame me for his actions. Everything was my fault. His mother kicked him out of her house and even had him arrested and got a restraining order so he could not be on their property. His mother loves him dearly and tries to support him but she could not live with the consequences of his behaviour any more.

There is so much more to the story, but to keep short I will cut to the chase. I found out  was pregnant BIG SHOCK after we had been together for only 2 months. I am 40 years old and never expected to have another child. I was determined to have a termination as I KNEW there was something wrong with him. At this stage I suspected psychopathy but it just didn't add up. He was begging me to keep the child but I knew deep down I couldn't. He had a already cheated on me once and was constantly trawling FB to find woman to seduce. 2 days before I was due to have the termination, I had a miscarriage. He was with me at the time and was wonderful (the wonderful 'good' side). I was sad but relieved. However, over the next 4 weeks I was constantly sick - kept going back to the doctor telling them something was not right but they just said it was normal after a miscarriage. Eventually my BF insisted that I go for a scan because I suspected that there might still be foetal tissue in there. Well you can imagine my (and the Sonographer's) surprise when there on the screen was a baby! It turns out that I had miscarried a twin and was over 13 weeks pregnant with a baby! BF was over the moon. Bear in mind that all this time I had been going through hell with his online cheating, one day loving me, the next day saying he doesn't want to be with me, rages, aggression etc. I knew it would be best to abort baby even though, because of how far gone I was I really didn't want to. He convince me to keep baby. He said all the right things and treated me like a queen.

I am now in the situation where I am over 15 weeks pregnant. Last week found out that he had spent the weekend with a woman he had met online and not only that, he phoned me on the Friday asking if I could lend him £100 as he was going out with friends! So he used MY MONEY to pay for his date. When I found out I did not get a sorry - instead it was turned around on me, It is all my fault because a) I am a 'snoop' and b) He did it because I suspected he was doing it. He lied and deceived me so much I KNEW something was going on and whenever I said anything he would get angry that I would ever think such a terrible thing of him. So I have had nothing but hell since I found out. He is sending me texts messages saying the most awful hurtful things about me. Really terrible. You would not believe the things he has said. Then the next minute he texts and is all reasonable but the moment I text back and try to have a conversation it turns nasty. He is blaming everything on me. I am now considering a termination. I cannot take any more of this. His behaviour is horrific and I feel like I am falling apart mentally. He is trying to get me to keep the baby which, to me signals that he is not finished with me yet even though he says he doesn't want to be with me. It hasn't crossed his mind that I might not want to be with him. He is going to use baby to control me just like he does with his ex (who BTW has a restraining order against him. He was jailed for a month last year for harassment and threats to her).

So now I have to decide if I should keep baby which is what I really want to do as I have seen scans and really love baby, or to terminate and get that monster out of my life for good. He is 100% BPD - I have NO DOUBT. He destroys everyone around him and I fear he is close to destroying me. 6 months ago I was confident, happy, sociable and content. I was ready to embark on a new life and hoped to meet a partner. I am now an emotional wreck. I feel like I am losing myself. I am trying to be strong and realise that it is him and not me. There is so much more to tell about the things he has done to me but that would be a novel.

Thanks for this opportunity to vent. Has anyone else had the dilemma of being pregnant by a BOD man?

[MissyM]

I have children with my dBPDh but our relationship did not start off with cheating, that took 11 years to happen.  I cannot imagine entertaining a relationship with someone that is behaving this way right  off the bat.  I am so sorry that you find yourself here.  My oldest child is 18 years older than my youngest twins.  Having children as an older Mom has been much harder than it was when I was younger.  Of course my husband's addictions started when I was pregnant with them and he has been really unstable off and on since they were born.  Having a child with a BPD does NOT improve the relationship. 

[cosmonaut]

Wow, that's a tough situation, Shell00.  I'm really sorry to hear about all you have been, though.

I'm not an expert on BPD by any means, but it sounds like your bf might be a pwNPD (Narcissism) rather than BPD.  pwBPD tend to seduce you with their vulnerability and helplessness.  In any case, it certain does sound like he has some sort of PD.  Possibly even ASDP (sociopath, as you mentioned).

Given what you've told us regarding his instability, lying, cheating, stealing, etc.  I think you might be better off without him.  I can't say what you should do, but if it were me, I would leave him.  Regardless, I think that leaving him is a decision to be made separate from whether you want to have your baby.  Don't allow him to control your life just because of the baby.

Hang in there.  Take care of yourself!  Focus on you and your health (mental and physical).  You've clearly been though a lot.   

[Shell00]

Thank-you so much for your replies. I am so glad that I found this site. My mind is more clear and I have stepped back from the fog of chaos and confusion.

With regards to NPD or ASPD - they just do not fit. When I read up on BPD it fits like a glove. I think in my first post I focused on certain aspects of my BF. He certainly seduced me with vulnerability and still does. He has very low self-esteem and has the emotional development of a toddler. Our relationship has been a constant push/pull. One day, I am his saviour and the best thing that has ever happened to him. The next, after him reading a situation or something I say completely wrong, I am the devil. From what I can tell, he has become addicted to chatting to women online. The thrill of it feeds his emptiness. It also seems that, because of his utter terror at being alone, he likes to keep another woman on the sidelines just in case. I asked his mother if she has ever suspected that he has BPD and she said she had wondered about that for years. His childhood situation was one of a horrifically abusive father and a waif-like mother (who I too suspect has some BPD traits). He was her surrogate partner - he supported her emotionally, tried to protect her from his father and even today the relationship seems to be a emotionally incestuous. In fact, the way he was speaking about his mother when we first met had the alarm bells ringing.

There have been so many alarm bells ringing in my head since I first met him, but his vulnerability mixed with his charm drew me in against my better instincts. It is almost like, he was so wonderful when he was wonderful that I didn't want it to be true. He is a true Jekyll and Hyde. His good self and bad self are two completely separate entities. I think I got to see both sides very quickly as when I first met him, he was nearing rock bottom and I became his saviour.

These last 6 months have really made me take a good look at myself. Why am I so drawn to him? What is it in me that has allowed myself to be so abused? Why do I keep going back for more, hoping for those times of the good BF when I KNOW those times will not last?

He is now trying to be nice to me as he can feel that I am pulling away. He cannot live with being rejected and so I know he will turn on the charm and the 'poor me' until he feels like he has me in his grip again.

With regards to baby. I really want to keep him/her but I am afraid that if I see BF, he will draw me in again. My thought process is that if I do not have baby, I can make a clean break and get him out of my life for good. I know deep down that the only reason he wants me to keep the baby is that he is not finished with me yet. Me having a termination will, in his mind, count as the ultimate rejection and that terrifies him. But deep down I think I know that even if I arrange a termination, I will not be able to go through with it. I think the most important thing for me to do now is to use this site to equip myself to deal with his BPD because whether I am with him or not he will be in my life to some extent. My knowledge and ability to deal with BPD behaviours will be my armour that will keep me strong and sane.

[Want2know]

I think the most important thing for me to do now is to use this site to equip myself to deal with his BPD because whether I am with him or not he will be in my life to some extent. My knowledge and ability to deal with BPD behaviours will be my armour that will keep me strong and sane.

This is a smart thing to do.  We have many tools on our staying board regarding communicating with someone with BPD.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  

There are a few things that you've said about starting to realize that you are allowing him to draw you back in.  I know you know you do have control over your behavior and what you do - not so easy to follow through on what you know is the best thing for you.  Believe me, I tried breaking it off, and then allowed myself to get back together with him, and finally made a break from 2 and half years ago.  

Do you have friends or family that can help you through this?

Keep posting here - we can help.  Stay strong, and be good to yourself.

[DiamondSW]

If there is any chance, I would suggest going away somewhere for a week or 2, perhaps on your own or with a best friend.  Find a cottage in the middle of nowhere or near a beach... . and don't tell him where you've gone/switch off the phone.

This will give you some peace and space to really think about what you want without the (bullying) influence of this man.  If he's near you/contacting you now, then your ability to put yourself 1st and think rationally is severely hindered. 

My ex would love me one minute, hate me the next, degrade me the next after that and then pretend nothing happened.  I was so confused I just stopped functioning... . and I'm a man (and not pregnant as far as i'm aware?)... .  

It seems like the next 2 weeks are crucial in your life/future, so use them wisely and step out of the chaos for a bit. 

I'm so sorry though for what you're going through.  There are many healthy men out there and life does go on.  Please take care and know people here are thinking of u. 

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh my gosh, Shell00... . I literally started feeling ill reading your posts, I am so, so sorry you are having to consider all of these options.

If you are still considering termination, obviously time is of the essence. I am on the fence with the abortion issue personally after having to face that myself many years ago... . it is the ultimate personal decision you will live with, either way. Know that your decisions are valued here, though.

After I've lived with someone with BPD, and looking at the short, but volatile history you already have with this boyfriend, wow, you are really in a hard situation. He will, without a doubt, keep on making your life hell... . in ways you cannot even imagine right now, if you have that baby and he is involved.

I am not one who condones lying for pretty much ANY reason, but honey, if you want this baby, you cannot have him in your life. Period. I can't believe I'm saying that because everyone will say he should have the "right" to see his baby... . but I KNOW what dealing with a person with BPD is like, and yours wasted no time showing you his scary side, which terrifies me when thinking he will access to a child. If it were me and I was set on keeping the baby... . I would seriously be considering faking a miscarriage or termination, and then moving, to keep this guy out of the picture. That sounds horrible on a few levels, but my god, someone's gotta look at the reality here... . living with a person who has BPD is horrifying, it just is. Even when we love them with our entire soul, the days they rage is so terrifying, I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Kids who are already in the picture after finding out "what's wrong" with them is one thing... . knowing and then bringing a baby into their lair is quite another.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but this really scares me. I would not have another child with my pwBPD and we're married, if that is any indication. And quite frankly, from reading some of the stories here... . as bad as mine is, he's not as bad as some... . but I would terminate or leave the county before having a baby with him.

Everyone here is absolutely awesome and you can find lots of support either way... . but the decision is always yours, and will be respected here. We know what this is like... . and I am not one to mince words or sugar-coat... . so make sure you are thinking ahead about leaving a baby with this guy... . because he will have every right to the child as you do. I hope you have friends or family support, sweetie, this is so difficult... . I hope you are able to come to a solid conclusion soon.

Good luck... . sending big hugs your way... .

[Waddams]

I just wanted to chime in as well with a few thoughts.  I'd like to echo that you know life with this guy is going to be very very hard.  Regardless of have the baby or not, you know that you're better off moving on to life that doesn't include him.

As for the baby, I'd say if you want the baby, then have the baby.  Children are blessings.  I'd like to also echo prior posters that advised figure out a way to have your baby and leave BPD out of everything.  If that means moving away, letting the BPD believe there is no baby, etc.  You have time to figure out the details of how to make it happen.  There are also other things such as not putting him on the birth certificate, etc.  Particularly if you can afford to raise the child without his financial support, which there won't be much anyway given his employment history, and likely not enough to offset the drama he'll bring to your life and the child's life.

I'd also like to voice one more option that I haven't seen mentioned.  If you don't want to terminate at this point, but also have circumstances that prevent you from having the baby and separating your life from BPD, then you can also consider adoption right?  Baby is born, goes to a good family, you get to move on in a way that is free from BPD, so does baby.  I've even seen situations where birth mom gets to visit baby, etc. after adoption so they know the baby is okay.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the situation you're in.  Just know that there is a way forward for you that leads to a good place from here.  You can find what is right for you and what protects you and the baby from the BPD chaos.

[Clearmind]

If you want the baby that's great. Just don't put him on the birth certificate. You really don't want the complication.

As for relationship with him - it doesn't sound like you are happy.

[Shell00]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and invaluable advice. It is such a relief to be able to speak to people who understand.

I too have thought about having the baby without letting him know, which just brings home to me how serious my situation is because I pride myself on being an honest person and could never imagine thinking about doing something so underhand. But the reality of my situation has really sunk in. However, I would not be able to move and I think it would impossible for him not to find out, if I continue with the pregnancy. I was speaking to his mother a few days ago and I said to her that I don't understand why he wants baby so badly when he is constantly chasing other women. His mom's reply... . " if you have his baby, he will have control over you". That really hit the nail on the head and I know she is right. He has 2 sons (8 and 11) by his previous partner. He claims to be a loving dad and yes, he does love them in the best way he knows how, but he uses them to control his ex and keep her in his grip. I look at her and think - WOW! That is going to be ME!

Looking at the bigger picture, I am also concerned at how my decision will affect my family. Is it really fair to have a man like that in my 17 year old sons life in ANY way, shape or form? I KNOW he will turn on my loved ones if he cannot get to me and I am starting to get even more worried about what he is capable of as his mum is so worried for my safety.

I have made a doctors appt for today to get the ball rolling for termination because, if I don't, I will dither until it is too late. I have decided to get the appt for termination made and then, in my mind, I have that amount of time to make a decision.

Right now I just want this man out of my life. Looking back at these last 6 months, I am surprised I haven't gone completely insane. I want my 'before BPD' life back and I know it will be hard letting go of him because it is so easy to think about the times when he is absolutely lovely and yearn for those moments. But I see myself now at a diverging path and the choice is mine. Do I want to carry on for however long, being abused and in constant confusion and turmoil or do I want to have a healthy happy life and hopefully find a psychologically healthy partner to share it with?

Once again thank-you for all your support xxxxx

[MyGreatEscape]

I am wishing you the VERY BEST, Shell00... . you are making such a tough decision... . you seem to have gotten a firm grasp on the reality of this... . a grasp many of us wish we would've had a long time ago. Focus on yourself and your son... . get your life back.

Come back if you need to vent or any support (as much as you get in this virtual-reality type of situation... . ).

((BIG HUGS to you!))