Confused today

[Allmessedup]

Today I am not doing so well... .

I am ten weeks out today and I was doing so much better, however last night and today I am rather a mess.

It's like I went totally backwards and I am back to bargaining, but yet I don't want her back really.  I just don't want her to have left me if that makes sense?

I know it's the ego part of me that's struggling.  I am very vulnerable right now as  my daughter has major surgery in 4 days.  And I know that I get the neediest for her when I am hurting.

I can intellectualize all of it.

I know why I am doing it, I just can't seem to stop.  It's like my brain and my heart are completely out of synch right now.

I know I am being replaced, and that does of course hurt.  I also know that I am still angry... . but that also has to do with my daughters surgery. I am angry she has to go thru this yet again

In short I am a confused mess today which blindsided me as I was previously doing well.  I have done a lot of inner child dialogue and grief work.  I have been working on creative action... I have lists and lists of things that I have learned and am grateful for.

It's just an abrupt turn around from where I was at.

I know I am being triggered by packing this weekend for the hospital, I know I am being triggered by seeing a gift bought for my replacement (a mutual friend)

But I have known I was being replaced.  That did not surprise me... .

Today I am just existing.  It seems all the things I have learned are failing me today.  I have slept most of the day and in all honesty I have way too much to do to be doing that.  I am feeling nauseous and I think that is coming from emotions somewhere as well.

I am hoping that someone can help... . I need to be strong for my daughter... . not this crazy mess I am in right now

[growing_wings]

allmessedup... .

sorry you are feeling this way. I understand you as i was feeling that way too.

10 weeks out, well done!, although is a milestone, and this time has allow you to concentrate doing great work on yourself, it is still fresh...  

of course it hurts being "substituted", you are not being replaced, you are irreplaceable my friend. That your ex is finding a substitute to feed her needs for unconditional validation at the expense of other's.

Of course this is exacerbated by yhe fact that your daughter is going to hospital for major surgery. I get the neediest when i need support, this is normal. What do you? my T has told me the need to develop my self soothing techniques, but what i ahve done? grit my teeth, clench my fists and go through what i need to go through alone without her... .   you are re-building yourself from the base, and that base does NOT include her anylonger... . this isnot easy, but is needed. Once enough time has passed, and you have that base rebuilt, you will be stronger... . and you will not feel like you need her.

push through... .   you can do it. focus step by step, dont judge how you feel, and know that every day that you face alone and you succeed, is a gain in strenght...

keep us posted about your daughter and your feelings.

stay strong, this WILL pass.

best wishes for her surgery

[Allmessedup]

Oh gw,

You made me cry in a good way:)

Substituted.  I like that much more than replaced.  I feel like such a sack of garbage on so e days like today... . just  a simple word replacement helps a lot!  Thank you!

The surgery is hard... . so scary!  It's open heart .

I know I can get thru it without her... . I have so many times in the past. (It's number 6)

But it still is hard.  She was not in my life for any of the others... . but she really was nice when I was sick or hurting. 

She was very loving toward me when we had my daughters cath last fall.  She worried hugely about me and that was nice for very selfish reasons.  But if I look back on it and see that what happened after it was not fun.  We found out that she would have to have the surgery way sooner than we thought from what they found in the cath.  And in all honesty I freaked about that once I got my daughter home.  The last surgery was almost 7 years ago and she had a massive stroke during it.  So I was freaking a bit.  Way depressed and incredibly anxious.

She couldn't deal with my grief.  I snapped at her because she was acting like nothing was wrong when my whole life was seeming to fall apart.  It was nothing major but she replied with a whole lot of nasty things and then the silent treatment for over a week.    Sigh

So I know in my heart she couldn't be there for me anyway... . but still I crave her reassurance.

She doesn't know anything about the surgery ( to my knowledge anyway)  I have done everything I can to keep her from knowing as I am hugely vulnerable

I think that I am like you in regards to self soothing,  I can self soothe when life is just going about its normal pace.  But when I get sick or in this case scared, my self soothing seems to have flown out the freaking window. I am back just fighting to survive

And I really hate that.

I won't break nc.  I know that... . but it is just so very hard.  I guess I am back to day by day hour by hour again. 

Thank you so much for your encouragement!  It does help to know that I am not alone in this and that I will get thru it

[growing_wings]

allmessedup... .

gosh you are going through a lot. This takes a big toll on yourself even if you are in a stable relationship, let alone when you are trying to move on from a pwBPD.

You are doing great... stay strong. Keep us posted.

And yes, you are being substituted, we so need to change that word of "replacement"... .

do you get support from family or friends?

[Cimbaruns]

AMU

Stay strong my friend... . sending you heartfelt wishes and healing prayers for both you and your daughter.

Gw is right... . you are being "substituted" ... . and as much as this hurts like hell and you wish that you have her for support ... . you have made such amazing progress going forward to turn back.

It is something I missed myself just recently when both my son and I had health issues and she had split with my "substitute"... . my head said NO but my heart missed her...

Family and friends ... . during these difficult times... . are amazing... . lean on them for their support... . sometimes we need to crumble a little and show them that we truly need

I know this may not to be the time to reccommend a book or reading but Jon Kabat-Zinn is an amazing teacher of mindfulness and living in the present moment... . he writes many books... Mindfulness for Beginners is one... . it may help you in grounding yourself going forward and help you in this difficult time... .


All that you have done and felt and processed in 10 weeks is a sign of growth and strength... . keep walking forward my friend... .


Peace 

[Allmessedup]

Thank you both so much!

Yes, I will have support during the surgery... . my sister is flying in and she and I are very close

Which is good because my parents are also both coming... Lots of FOO stuff there but she is good at running interference for me.  I am enormously grateful for that

I have friends and family who will take care of my other kids and my crazy dogs as well... . and I am grateful for that as well:)

Letting people help me isn't my strong suit... . but it is good for me to allow them to.

Today I am not so overwhelmingly sad... . but I am so incredibly angry... . so full of plain encompassing rage.

At her, at myself, at life in general.  I am just raging inside.

I am journaling and it is so not pretty, but I like the rage better than the sobbing hollowness I was feeling.

I just am so so so angry. 

There aren't even enough words to express all the anger I feel right now.

I don't usually get angry,  but I am trying to just let it flow... . journaling helps some.  Loud screaming music helps some.

I just need to find my center again... and soon... .

[seeking balance]

Yes, I will have support during the surgery... . my sister is flying in and she and I are very close

Which is good because my parents are also both coming... Lots of FOO stuff there but she is good at running interference for me.  I am enormously grateful for that

Glad your sister will be with you - you will have a lot of love and support right next to you really soon. 

Letting people help me isn't my strong suit... . but it is good for me to allow them to.

Letting those who have earned our trust to be there is hard for me too - but we all need support sometimes and none of us are superhero's... . it will be good to let you sister and any trusted friends be there for you - you don't have to do all this alone.

At her, at myself, at life in general.  I am just raging inside.

I am journaling and it is so not pretty, but I like the rage better than the sobbing hollowness I was feeling.

I just am so so so angry. 

There aren't even enough words to express all the anger I feel right now.

I don't usually get angry,  but I am trying to just let it flow... . journaling helps some.  Loud screaming music helps some.

I just need to find my center again... and soon... .

Anger is not a bad thing - sometimes I know I get really angry when I just cannot control the outcome and my needs/wants/fears are in someone else's control.

You have a really big thing with you daughter happening, you know you are triggered - you shared here - this is good, healthy.  I do understand the emotions you have and you are not alone in feeling this way.

Remember to breathe and if you can get any exercise, it will help - natural endorphins.

Hang in there AMU and keep us posted on your daughter 

SB

[Allmessedup]

Thanks sb

I am very very grateful my sis is flying in.  She will ultimately be my rock thru all of this.  She lives across the country so I only get to actually see her a couple times a year.  We also have talked about planning an overseas "sisters" trip while we are in the hospital.  Some creative action would be very good for me!

I was way angry earlier.  And ultimately I cried myself to sleep. Tears of rage and sorrow.  It felt good to get that out and I slept better than I have in months. (I work nights)

One more very long night at work to get thru and then I will be very busy tomorrow with preparations for the trip.  I won't have time to think. Tonight my oldest and I will be creating a poster board my other daughter full of pictures of her with her family and friends that we can bring to the hospital.  Some more creative action:)

Tomorrow I get to go collect letters that her friends have been secretly writing and having others write as well.  My daughter is very loved by her friends (she is 16) and I think it will do me a world of good to see the outpouring of love she is going to receive.

I know I am supposed to focus on my feelings, but I find that leaves me in a state where I am of no use to her or anyone else.  So for now I am going to try to focus on the good and keep my stuff with my ex out of it.  It may not be the healthiest choice for me, but she needs her mom to be strong.  I am not going anywhere... . neither is the pain over my ex.  It can be tabled perhaps for a while?

It's so good to have this board.  I know the majority of what I am feeling is not totally about my ex.  But it's nice to have a place where I can say what I feel without the whole world expecting me to be strong. 

My kids need mom to be strong, my family expect me to be strong but right now I don't feel very strong at all!

Thank you so much for letting me vent:)

[Allmessedup]

Oh,and thank you for the reminder about the exercise... . and I am bringing my running shoes to the hospital.  The surgery is 14 hours or so I should be able to log a few miles as long as our crappy weather holds out:)

[seeking balance]

I know I am supposed to focus on my feelings, but I find that leaves me in a state where I am of no use to her or anyone else.  So for now I am going to try to focus on the good and keep my stuff with my ex out of it.  It may not be the healthiest choice for me, but she needs her mom to be strong.  I am not going anywhere... . neither is the pain over my ex.  It can be tabled perhaps for a while?

We do have to live life - your strategy of being a good mom in a crisis certainly trumps "sitting in" breakup feelings IMHO. 

My kids need mom to be strong, my family expect me to be strong but right now I don't feel very strong at all!

you might not feel very strong right now, but from my perspective - you seem to be a rock star.  This is big stuff:  daughters surgery, family drama in town (even when it is in support) and a breakup - a lot going on my friend - of course you feel a bit out of it - this makes you normal (sorry to burst your bubble) 

Please keep us updated - and we are here if you need to vent.

,

SB

[myself]

I know I am supposed to focus on my feelings, but I find that leaves me in a state where I am of no use to her or anyone else.  So for now I am going to try to focus on the good and keep my stuff with my ex out of it.  It may not be the healthiest choice for me, but she needs her mom to be strong.  

AMU, your story really touches me and I wish you all the best for what you're going through. I'd say you are focusing on your feelings, sharing what you are with your daughter. She must appreciate you very much! Not all feelings we need to face are bad. We get caught up in those so much we miss out on the good.

There are many ways to express love. Being ourselves (strong, weak, whatever) is one of them. It's great that you are reaching out. Here's to all the healing that is and will be happening in your life.

[Cardinals in Flight]

AMU, (consider changing that after surgery?  ) You are going to be so awesome for your daughter, because you are strong, and anyone who can work night shift is tough as nails! 

I can soo relate to almost everything you write, from working nights, to having a seriously ill child, and mostly the craving of my pwBPDXg/f when things are tough.  Only last week I wanted her so much, but she has no empathy for others, and even if I did reach out, she would hurt me at a time I needed to be strong and focused on family.  My mom is seriously ill as well.  I don't need to be fretting about another silent treatment.

I keep telling myself this... . Contact = brief joy followed by prolonged pain and confusion.  I'm doing my best to stay NC.

Bless you!  God bless the surgeons hands, eyes, and all those who will touch your precious baby.

CiF

[Landslide2014]

I just had to chime in AMU, because your are an incredible inspiration. You are being tested beyond comprehension right now. There is so much bearing downing you. I feel the intensity in your words, and yet you sustain the courage and sense to see it as it is, applying your obviously healthy tools to the challenge. It may not seem like it to you, but I think you are doing all the right things. It may feel overwhelming, but you are going to get through this.  It's obvious through your identification And it's perfectly okay to just allow for you to handle it the way you re handling it. Remember you can hand it over at any time.  You do not have to do this alone.  My prayers will be with you.  I loved the music therapy application you mentioned. I heard this one earlier today... . Maybe it will help?  Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - YouTube

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I

[Allmessedup]

Thank you all so much for your replies!

of course you feel a bit out of it - this makes you normal (sorry to burst your bubble)  

Normal?  A new concept for me for sure!

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - YouTube

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I

Love This Landslide!  Thank you!  Music speaks to me so much!

Only last week I wanted her so much, but she has no empathy for others, and even if I did reach out, she would hurt me at a time I needed to be strong and focused on family.

Thank you CIF.  you are completely right!  She would in reality make me much more insecure rather than the opposite.  I dont need to be worrying about her right now.


I chatted with my sister for a good long while tonight.  It struck me tonight that as much as I thought my ex was the only one in the world who could really "get" me.  My sister really did an even better job of it tonight.  She was all there 100%.  That is quite a bit different than my ex by far.  

My sister lives halfway across the country, has 2 very young kids and she is a very busy PA.  But yet she drops everything  to come and stay with me the entire time we are in the hospital.  She probably spent 3 hours on the phone tonight with me just listening.  I screamed, I swore, I cried, I told her my deepest fears that I just dont ever admit to ANYONE and she was just there, listening, empathizing, sharing her experince and understanding.

I thought tonight after the conversatio about how my ex would have dealt with me in such a state even when things were good.  and you know what?  She would have turned that whole thing around to make me feel inferior for not dealing with it, or gotten angry about it.

Somehow it would have ended up about her eventually.

and honestly I needed it to be about me tonight so that I can be there for my daughter when I am with her.

I am kind of baffled that I never realized that.  I was so craving her, but she was not what I needed in the slightest today.


So I am in a much better place... . at least for tonight

[icecream]

We are here to support you Allmessedup. Whatever you want to share is good and please continue. I know there are many times we feel alone after this break-up and when we are faced tough times when there is no partner to hold your hand. But you are real, you can stand on your own feet and you are a fighter. Take the support and help from your friends and family, allowing them in gives them strenght and a sense of feeling helpfull as well. Thats unconditional love: doing something without expecting something back.

Thoughts i had recently: this break-up was the toughest rock i have ever knocked. And you know what? We are still here, we can start again, we get another chance in life, something better is waiting around the corner... we survived and its starts to get brighter with some dark flows but we'll get there!

I hope all will go well with your daughter! Take care!

Sending you overseas strenght!

[Allmessedup]

Thank you ice cream!

You are right... . it helps other to allow them to help!  That is something I do have a difficult time remembering... .

And we are all fighters... . and ultimately this (all of this) will make me stronger:)

Thanks for the encouragement!

Amu

[Landslide2014]

I chatted with my sister for a good long while tonight.  It struck me tonight that as much as I thought my ex was the only one in the world who could really "get" me.  My sister really did an even better job of it tonight.  She was all there 100%.  That is quite a bit different than my ex by far. 

Amazing how sometimes we just can't see it at the time, but if we trust enough, and leg go, we often get exactly what we need. You are looking at your blessings through this challenge. What a gift. 

[Allmessedup]

Thanks landslide,

You know today I felt a thousand times lighter.  I of course was way busy with preperation for the hospital, but it was crazy how much better I felt.

I journaled a bit and I will share that on the personal inventory board when things chill a bit here, but the crux of it is that some how after talking with my sister last night my heart finally realized that quite simply I do not need her.

I have lots of strong support, I have my kids and my faith.  And I have myself.

I allowed myself to visualize what this surgery would be like if I still had her in my life... .

I would be worried about her getting sick

I would be worried about reassuring her that I was ok

I would be worried about what crisis she would inevitably have happen

I would worry about her feelings with me gone so far away

I would be splitting my time from my daughter and my sister in order to answer her constant texts

I would be worried about controlling my own grief at the situation because she can't handle it

In essence I would be more stressed out than I am now.

I think back to the cath that my daughter had shortly before things ended... . all of the above were true.   Yes she was there for me prior to it... . kind of, but even the night before I left to take my daughter to the hospital it was all about her... . she was sick... she needed this that and the other... .

And when I expressed my grief after the fact I got a nasty lecture and then the silent treatment for days on end.

I find it interesting... . I have been pretty upfront with the people who are coming to support my daughter and I.  I was real and told them that I am not coping as well as I usually do and that to please forgive me if I am b****y or short, or a sobbing mess with them etc.

Every single one of them has said (and proven in surgeries prior) that they don't care... . that they would be too... . and never have they held it against me in any way.  But my ex couldn't handle it... . at all!

It was like I had to be ok for her to be ok.

I suppose I realized that although she would have given what she could, I am in all honesty relieved that she isn't here.  I understand having to be ok for my daughter so that she is ok.  She is a child... . And this hugely scary for her... . I guess I had never realized just how much a child my ex was to need that as well.

And I realized that there is no way I could have given her what she needed right now anyway.

There is a whole lot more too that believe it or not,

But basically I am grateful:). Which right now is a very good place for me to stay.

[Allmessedup]

Hey everyone,

Not BPD related but my daughter is out of the ORafter her open heart surgery and doing fantastic!  The next 2 days are still critical but she is doing better than I had even hoped:)

On the BPD front I was able to remain NC... .   My sister has been fabulous support for me and we spent last night having some good old fashioned FUN with my daughter:).

I know we still have many days ahead of us here in the hospital as well as continuing to deal with the b/u but I have to say I am d***ned proud of myself to be honest.  I did it without her.

Somehow this feels like a big turning point to me... . and at no point today or even yesterday did I miss her!  I thought about her a few times, but no huge longing or ruminations:)

I am seeing a light perhaps at the end of the tunnel:)

[seeking balance]

YAY for your daughter -that is great!

I know you will be happy when she is back home with you.

Best,

SB

[Cimbaruns]

Great news AMU

Keep that positive energy going!

Glad your daughter did so well!

Peace to you

[corraline]

Lots of Love and healing for you , your daughter and family  

[icecream]

Thats great news!

I hope the healing for you both goes well!

[Landslide2014]

So glad you are seeing the light, that your daughter is on her way to healing.  Perhaps the  example you are setting on your own journey will be just what she needs to help her recover. Glad to see your optimism and growth and I wish (you both) a successful and speedy recovery.