My uBPD/ NPD "twin" is on tv

[Louise7777]

If you are familiar with "The real housewives of New Jersey" you know Teresa Giudice. After watching 2 episodes, I began feeling annoyed. Sudenly I realized why: she´s EXACTLY like my uBPD/ NPD relative.

She seems to have no clue on how society works. She fights with everybody, is never wrong, always the victim and no accountability at all. No need to mention the scam her and her husband had over the years. To me, thats a sociopathic trait (breaking the law, no remorse and blaming others). To be fair, an uHPD relative is that way too, bankrupt and didnt loose a night sleep over it... . Its like they live in another world, were laws dont apply.

Also, Id like to point something else that really triggers me on this Teresa character: shes extremely jealous of everybody. She destroys relationships, puts people against each other and plays victim at the same time. The divide and conquer tactic. Seems to me she just wants to bring people down so she feels victorious. Her cousin´s husband gave his wife good advice: dont add fuel to the fire. She likes drama. If you keep feeding it, it will never stop.

Now, Id like advice on this. My uBPD/ NPD behaves the same way. Im VLC with her, but have to meet her in a couple of weeks. Im sure Ill feel drained. She has this "force" inside her, she cant stop talking and "performing"... . I had never met somebody like her, and now her twin is on tv! 

How would you deal with it? Thank you for reading.

[Verbena]

I post on the Parents board but occasionally read posts on the other boards.  Yours really caught my attention.  In fact, it made me wonder if the Real Housewives of New Jersey was on again.  I guess it must be. I am ashamed to admit that I watch that show because it is complete garbage, but I guess looking at someone else's trainwreck helps make mine seem not so bad. 

There is no doubt in my mind that Teresa Guidice has BPD. She demonstrates all the traits right down to the scary rages when she is crossed by someone else.  It's really disturbing how much of my DD I can see in her.  I will say that she is not the only one on that show with some serious problems.

I can also really identify with your comment below:

She has this "force" inside her, she cant stop talking and "performing"... .

This, too, is my daughter and it is exhausting.  The fact that you are already VLC is a step in the right direction.  My only advice to you is to keep your expectations low,know that your relative's BPD is going to show itself, keep your comments neutral, and don't get drawn in. 

[Louise7777]

Verbena, thank you very much for your words.

Actually Im not in the USA, I dont know if RHONJ is on... . They are airing it DAILY in my country, I watch Teresa every day, no wonder Im triggered, its like an overdose of a drug I already know... . (Seems to me a season just ended here, where she gets her second cooking book published and slams  everybody in it).

Yep, its garbage. But it provides a good insight into PDs, I believe. Yep, she is not the only one with problems, I guess shes the most "out of control". I see myself on her brothers shoes when he said "I just want a normal family, is that too much to ask for?". Seems to me he has no clue she is BPD, but he wisely said she is never happy for other people... .

This program actually gives me lots of light-bulb moments. Most of the people around her have NO CLUE regarding what they are dealing with. Pretty much like us, in the past. They keep trying to acomodate and appease her, but she has to "poke" people over and over, until somebody blows... . And then shes the victim. Exactly like my relative. Yep, the rages! Scary, I saw them in my relative too. I wish I had been wiser and just left.

Im very sorry you see your DD in her. Its terrible. I never read the parents board, but I hope you are managing and feeling better. It must be so tough for you, I really empathize. I will read your other posts.

I will follow your advice (although she doesnt speak or look at me, she uses others to say things to and make me get the message). She´s really malevolent and I really get resentful. "Why cant I have a normal family?"

I guess Im just triggered cause I have been dealing with very difficult people for some days and still have another meeting with another one... . Its hard for me to be cool and not react... . But I know its the best.

[Verbena]

I think that's why I got drawn into this show.  It does give some insight into how other people handle the BPD behavior.  I agree that no one seems to realize what is wrong with Teresa.  But who knows?  I actually Googled her name and cross referenced BPD once just to see if there was anything out there, but I don't think there was. 

I saw one show (it may have been a reunion episode) when Teresa went into a rage and had that almost demonic in her eyes that I've read about on these boards and, unfortunately, have seen in my daughter's eyes too at times.  For many here, the concensus seems to be that BPD's don't even remember these extreme raging episodes and deny they even happened.  I have wondered if having these incidents preserved on tape would make a difference to someone like Teresa.  She couldn't deny the behavior when she can watch it for herself. 

Yes, things are better with my DD because she no longer lives with me and we have limited contact.  I don't engage in her drama anymore (or try not to) and don't know about a lot of it either.  But I know nothing has really changed.  I'm just no longer the recipient of her outbursts and blaming.  I'm guessing her husband, who adamantly denies that anything is wrong, has taken my place in that regard. 

If your BPD relative won't speak to you or look at you, consider that a blessing. That doesn't mean you can't look at her and make a pleasant but neutral comment while maintaining some emotional distance.  How she responds is on her, not you.  As long as she sees that she is upsetting you, she will keep up the same behavior.  Your reaction is what she is after most likely. 

I am very careful what I say to my DD in texts, on the phone, and especially in person.  I pray for the right words  and try to do my best.  It's not easy.  I hope your meeting with this relative goes smoothly. 

[Louise7777]

Thank you again, Verbena.

I read your first post and Im very sorry. It caught my attention you son-in-law behaviour. Seems he is in denial or thinks he is a knight in shining harmour... . Very strange. Im glad you are not in such close contact with her, I know how draining it can be. In the end we have to focus on themselves and stop feeding their drama by giving them attention.

"As long as she sees that she is upsetting you, she will keep up the same behavior.  Your reaction is what she is after most likely.  "

Spot on. I tried many approaches during the decades and you can imagine how many mistakes I made. I will try to be calm and non-reactive, she seems to enjoy intimidating some people. If I back off she wins and escalates and if I dont, she rages. But in case she rages Ill just leave.

Regarding Teresa, if you google her you´ll find many comments/ articles about her being BPD, NPD or having a mental illness.

"She couldn't deny the behavior when she can watch it for herself.  "

Im sure she would blame others for her rages, they always have some explanation for abusing people. I always felt in a no-win situation: I kept quiet cause everybody else was an enabler (or PD themselves) or if I reacted by defending myself she would escalate. The best for my mental health was VLC.