Do you try and meet new people to move forward?

[kitsch]

I am wondering what those of you do who are really extroverted after the breakup? Do you try and meet people right away to get out in the world? Do you take forced time by yourself? Keep it to those who know you?  I find that I am struggling with going back and forth of wanting to move on and connect with others already/ meet new people- not in a serious romantic or sexual way yet, but just to meet people outside of what I know. I have some very close friends and family who all are supportive, but it would be nice to just have a conversation with someone for friendship or connection that isn't about the ex and know more acquaintances. My ex and I have been broken up for about a month. But it has been two months really. I haven't spoken to the ex in a week and do not plan to have contact.

Somehow I feel bad for wanting a connection that is disconnected from her so soon. I wonder if that is a sign of it being too soon to meet new people?   At the same time I have always known that I wanted a committed relationship/lifelong partnership and part of the reason we broke-up was her continous pushing me away (then push pull/ push/ pull... . you know the story) when things got more serious ( me buying a house, asking about our future, wanting to move in together etc... . ) . This breakup has made me  start to see even clearer what is important to me and part of me wants to start to focus on my future... . but I don't want to roam out into the world and be this intense wounded soul looking for connection in the wrong way or in the wrong places.

Wondering how others have experienced stepping out getting on... . do you wake up one day and know you are ready? Or do you start to fake it till you make it?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I've met a lot of people since I left her, and it's been good in a few ways.  She had me pretty isolated in her world, as they do, although I'm pretty chatty and social and always rebelled against it, to her dismay, so to get out into the world and talk with 'normal' people has been a relief, plus we do better with other people in our lives, being social animals.  The other part is after the extreme boundary busting imposed by my ex, and my inability/unwillingness to set and enforce them, it's been great practice to meet new people and try out incremental disclosure, the slow building of depth in a relationships, instead of blurting out my complete truth right away and expecting everyone to be supportive and accepting.  Good training, and all of my relationships seem different now.

[blissful_camper]

I tried to date and make new friends following the b/u, but I wasn't in a good place and that interaction wasn't making me feel good. So I made the decision to be alone for a while, maintaining friendships with close friends only. I felt so raw that I could only really handle being around people I knew I could trust. That's changing though.  As I'm starting to feel better, I'm thinking about making new friends, but dating is still a ways off for me.   

[DiamondSW]

I totally agree with blissful_camper.

I thought I wanted to make new friends immediately after the breakup -but I didn't really, and I had no energy, so I was wasting my time.

Instead I literally saw 4-5 close family and 4-5 very close friends.  Perhaps 2 to 3 of them per week... . and locked myself away for the rest of the time.

Today after 5mths NC I'm actually making new friends and these are lovely people -so I think i'm making better decisions as to whom I'm getting to know as well.

Dating?  No.  I don't want it, not ready, and I don't feel I should or it would be fair on a woman.  I learned one thing big time:  treat others like you would love to be treated yourself... . ie:  respectfully.  After a breakup with a BPD, I don't think anyone should consider a next move within 6mths and probably longer. 

My next step is a new job.  That's healthy.  Although I did spend a lovely evening with some gorgeous women in a bar in Soho on Saturday at my friend's gf's birthday.  It was nice to feel 'good' about myself and get some attention.  Again, a step to healing -but with sensible self imposed boundaries.   

[kitsch]

it's been great practice to meet new people and try out incremental disclosure, the slow building of depth in a relationships, instead of blurting out my complete truth right away and expecting everyone to be supportive and accepting.  Good training, and all of my relationships seem different now.

Thanks much for your response. What you say rings true for me too. There are days that I am at work and accomplish a great project and feel that way. We all have so many identities and remembering and seeing that not all my world and live revolves around my hurt is helpful. I'm hoping to do more.

Sometimes though I find that it's harder to make friends at 38 so resort to on-line dating which makes it a bit more complex... . as who is really on there to make friends? I am, but hope I don't send the wrong impression. I'm open to people if we hit it off, but just because I have a drink or coffee doesn't mean dating. How are you all meeting new friends?

How long have you all been single?

DimondSW- I like your perspective here

After a breakup with a BPD, I don't think anyone should consider a next move within 6mths and probably longer. 

. I think there have been times in between relationships that I haven't taken time to heal and want to quicken the grieving process.

This site is so great to help and hear so many perspectives. Thanks again.

[cosmonaut]

I'm in the "better to be alone right now" camp.  I know that it would be very unfair of me to get into a relationship anytime soon.  I am not remotely over my ex.  I am still deeply in love with her and it's going to take time to break that attachment.  I thought we would be together forever.  I thought I'd found my soulmate.  That's not something that one can just get over quickly (unless you have BPD, I suppose).

In some ways, I think it would be a sort of self medication to jump into a new relationship.  A narcotic to ease the pain and avoid me having to work on my own issues.  Like my codependency.  My "fixer" compulsions.  My own abandonment fears.  It's a pretty common thread on this forum - most of us have these sorts of traits.  In order to have a healthy relationship in the future they must be addressed.

It's ok to be alone.  This is time for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

it's been great practice to meet new people and try out incremental disclosure, the slow building of depth in a relationships, instead of blurting out my complete truth right away and expecting everyone to be supportive and accepting.  Good training, and all of my relationships seem different now.

Thanks much for your response. What you say rings true for me too. There are days that I am at work and accomplish a great project and feel that way. We all have so many identities and remembering and seeing that not all my world and live revolves around my hurt is helpful. I'm hoping to do more.

Sometimes though I find that it's harder to make friends at 38 so resort to on-line dating which makes it a bit more complex... . as who is really on there to make friends? I am, but hope I don't send the wrong impression. I'm open to people if we hit it off, but just because I have a drink or coffee doesn't mean dating. How are you all meeting new friends?

How long have you all been single?

I left her about a year and a half ago.  I've spent time with women since, but I'm not focusing on getting into a relationship right now, probably overreactionary to what I got out of and how fast the fantasy developed.  I want real next time.  I'm also in the middle of a big growth spurt, all of my priorities have changed and life seems different; I need to live in it for a while.

My ex found me on Facebook, and a big chunk of our relationship in the beginning was Facebook, text and email, along with the phone.  A lot of the real message someone communicates is lost in writing, the phone's a little better, but there really is no substitute for being with someone in person.  That translates to online dating to me; I've done it before and invested time and energy and got my hopes up, and in person was a letdown more times than not.  I'm done with it.  I need to look her in the eyes to see what's really going on, and whether or not anything is there happens quickly.  I spend time in coffee shops and restaurants, working on my computer, I go out to golf courses by myself and get teamed up with people, and the supermarket is sometimes fun, I even dress up for it.  Local, in person, no substitute for that.

[blissful_camper]

I'm 9 months single.  I live in a rural area in a small town, and it's not difficult to meet, or hang out with others.  Being a hermit has its benefits for now though.  I have colleagues that visit my neck of the woods, and when they request a meeting sometimes we meet up for coffee.  

I think one of my concerns about making new friends (besides having trust issues right now) is I want to be in a place where I feel I can make wise choices about friendships and who I have in my life. When I'm ready to date I hope to meet that person organically.  Perhaps I will through my work.  That person will need to take a psych-evaluation.  Just kidding, but not really.  

If you're ready to make new friends, volunteering or joining a group for excursions (hiking, community gardening, dog walking) is a great way to meet new people with common interests.  

[Tausk]

Isolation is one of the worst behaviors that I have.  I'm in introvert by nature and a depressive.  So being connected with others is very important.  I allowed my ex to isolate me from my connections.  Unhealthy behavior on my part.  

So, one of the cornerstones of my recovery is to introduce people into my life.  And I complemented this goal by finding people worth supporting.  Finding people who are also givers.  I made the effort to find out on a regular basis how I could be of support to them.  And this helped so much.  

When I gave to me ex, all my efforts went down the BPD garbage disposal never to be seen, heard or felt again.  But when I give to other givers, we both are strengthened. There is actually a positive result of my support.  

I also support people in situations where no return was possible, but I know it going into the interaction.  Such as volunteering.  I've made quite a few connections there as well.

I did stay away from dating for the first year and half, because my fleas would have just f'ked someone else up.  But I did learn to have intimate relationships with people. Not just intense interactions like the ones with my ex, but intimate relationships based on communication, trust, honesty and respect.

And most important, I learned about my FOO issues and made radical modifications of behavior based on my new insights.  This has allowed me to have an intimate relationship with myself.  

So I can honestly say that the most important new person that I have met to help me move forward has been... . myself

Now I'm dating again.  It's been weird at 50, but it's been very very good.  I wish I had learned about myself 35 years ago.  It would have made being a connected member of the community much more enjoyable and would have relieved much of the suffering.

But it's really very good today.  I'm not perfect, but I am more honest, aware and connected that I have ever been.   Just today, I've had about six very intimate connections with people who have shared very personal information with me, because I've shared with them and I support them as well. That connection is a key part of me of breaking out of the self pity, and the self loathing, and the fear, and absorption of the Disorder.

The Disorder is about childish self-willed absorption that leads to destruction and isolation.  Anything that is about meaning, connection, support, sharing, intimacy, and respect is the opposite of the Disorder and provides me with the basis to recover.

[kitsch]

I just have to say... . all of you are amazing and strong and so very helpful. I am weighing what to do for myself and I appreciate all the comments about your own experiences, hurts and process. It all makes me think more about my own actions and next steps in healing. So thanks very much!