ExBP remarrying, new "daddy" for my kids

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

With a divorce finalized 3 months ago my ExBPW announced she is getting remarried.  We've kids, 3 & 5.  My 5 year old told me today that her mother "... . wants her to have a 'daddy' at her house."  Personally, if it were me getting remarried I would make it clear to my children that while my new spouse is special and a part of the family, she is not their mother.  Nevertheless, my ex operates according to her own rules and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's hard knowing that despite fighting for the right to see my kids and showing up for them their whole lives, some man walks into their lives, is introduced as "daddy" and gets to spend more time with them than me.  Anyone have an experience/advice/support on the matter?   

[theirdad]

With a divorce finalized 3 months ago my ExBPW announced she is getting remarried.  We've kids, 3 & 5.  My 5 year old told me today that her mother "... . wants her to have a 'daddy' at her house."  Personally, if it were me getting remarried I would make it clear to my children that while my new spouse is special and a part of the family, she is not their mother.  Nevertheless, my ex operates according to her own rules and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's hard knowing that despite fighting for the right to see my kids and showing up for them their whole lives, some man walks into their lives, is introduced as "daddy" and gets to spend more time with them than me.  Anyone have an experience/advice/support on the matter?   

[ForeverDad]

So sad but also predictable.  First, this remarriage may happen or not.  If this falls through, she may do this again and again and they'll be introduced to multiple new daddies.

For the children, is it possible to get the children their own experienced therapist?  Besides the therapy, it may also document her behaviors.  Upon separation my then-spouse started child therapy in an effort to seek negative advocates against me, and it worked for over a year.   My temp order stated I had statutory access to medical records, my then-stbEx tried to block it but eventually I got a court order and there were numerous references to mother's allegations as well as her being corrected on various poor behaviors.  Didn't sink in of course, but it was good documentation for the custody evaluator.

You are reasonably normal, so of course you would not do what she is doing.  This will not be the last of her improper behaviors.

As I recall the courts are rather clear that the children are not to be told to call BFs, GFs or stepparents dad or mom, that is reserved for the actual parents.  If/when you're next in court you can raise that as an issue to the judge and ask the judge to put that admonishment on the record.  Also the judge may agree that new BFs and GFs should be introduced too soon to the children, not sure exactly what the minimum time frame ought to be.  I suspect hard to enforce too.

[theirdad]

Thanks Foreverdad.  I believe you are spot-on with all you said.   I wasn't aware of the courts taking a stand on the use of the name "mom" or "dad" as it applies to those other than the actual parents.  I'll look into that.  Thank you again for sharing your experience and thoughts. 

[ForeverDad]

Mental lapse - I forgot a critical word.

Also the judge may agree that new BFs and GFs should not be introduced too soon to the children, not sure exactly what the minimum time frame ought to be.  I suspect hard to enforce too.

[Turkish]

As I recall the courts are rather clear that the children are not to be told to call BFs, GFs or stepparents dad or mom, that is reserved for the actual parents.  If/when you're next in court you can raise that as an issue to the judge and ask the judge to put that admonishment on the record.  Also the judge may agree that new BFs and GFs should be introduced too soon to the children, not sure exactly what the minimum time frame ought to be.  I suspect hard to enforce too.

Based on some things S4 has been saying, mine introduced the kids to her BF about a month after she moved out. To her, she's known the guy 8 months, been in some kind of r/s for 6. Two weeks before she moved out (6 weeks ago), S4 wanted me to kiss mommy goodbye as they went out to the store. Not a thing I can do about it. I mulled over confronting her about it, also that she is lying to the kids saying he is just "mommy's friend" (so said S4), but probably won't.

theirdad, I can't imagine what that must feel like. For us, it just means we need to be that much stronger and healthy to show a better example to the children.

[livednlearned]

Richard Warshak in Divorce Poison refers to what your ex is doing as a form of parental alienation. This is an early warning shot, sounds like --

Parental alienation is something that seems to go hand-in-hand with high-conflict divorces. It's good to get ahead of it as much as possible. Getting a therapist for the kids is an excellent idea. And learning to use validation when they are (inevitably) put in the middle.

[arn131arn]

My son is 8, so a little older than your kids. After I found out his mother introduced him after only 3 weeks, after the judge put down orders to finally let me see him, I had a talk with my son. I said to him, "forever and ever, you will only have 1 mommy and 1 daddy. No matter what, I will always love you, and I'm your dad, your mom loves you so much as well, and she will always be your mommy too.

Kids are smart, they catch on, and they know when they are being put in a situation Bc it doesn't feel right.

The next time I saw my son, he reminded me that I'm his ONLY dad, but knowing this guy throws the baseball with him and brings him places certainly posses me off... . I think as dad's we need to be careful and conscious to NOT try and overcompensate for these feelings

[Deep Impact]

With a divorce finalized 3 months ago my ExBPW announced she is getting remarried.  We've kids, 3 & 5.  My 5 year old told me today that her mother "... . wants her to have a 'daddy' at her house."  Personally, if it were me getting remarried I would make it clear to my children that while my new spouse is special and a part of the family, she is not their mother.  Nevertheless, my ex operates according to her own rules and there's nothing I can do about it.  It's hard knowing that despite fighting for the right to see my kids and showing up for them their whole lives, some man walks into their lives, is introduced as "daddy" and gets to spend more time with them than me.  Anyone have an experience/advice/support on the matter?   

Hang in there mate, just stay consistent with your kids.

Don't let her behaviors get you down too much.

The more you let it show, the more she will pull hit like this.

If you pretend it doesn't bother you - even though it does - then her behaviors will get more erratic as she tries to find ways to punish you. This is what I've found anyway. I've exposed my BPD x by simply ignoring her and her behaviors. Sadly I haven't been able to see my son and I've had to put up with similar to yourself, but the upside is that she's been exposed, now that makes my life easier and I can now push forward to see my son - with everyone supporting me. BPD's will always be exposed in their actions - or lack thereof.