Hi Aundrea,
I've gone through all the lessons and I don't think I'm connecting the dots with this situation.
that's why there is the board
My BPD partner of 14 yrs is very particular about 'his possessions' and eventually I won't be on the ball and put an item back and the verbal abuse starts, he berates me like a child (last instance was in public), he demands a solution and when I come up with I'll focus more on remembering, it's not good enough, tells me we have done this a million times that it keeps happening and then he hints at separation.
OCD? Asperger? Whatever is behind it in practice for you it means dealing with hypersensitivity and b&w view of borders.
I can understand how he feels, I get annoyed when my things are used and not put back. He doesn't clean up after himself and I do everything- we have 2 kids so I'm use to putting their possessions (his) and my things others have used, back a million times a day. However the anger he feels towards it is very excessive and over the top. He demands an explanation and solution, which in his eyes my solutions are never good enough and I 'J A D E'... .
JADE is bad and the cure is boundaries.
The latest instance I forgot to put his card back in his wallet. It was a mistake. From my point of view all it needs is a nice reminder. But to him it's the end of the world. This time it's getting to me more than normal as he abused me in front of a shop keeper, then continued at home in front of my mother, my kids and one of my kids friends... .
To him it is the end of the world and needs to be validated that way. You may think it is a small transgression but since when do facts matter Now while there is no harm, actually benefit in telling him he feels like his entire fortune was robbed there is harm in letting him getting away with abuse.
How can I respond. I'm perfectly happy with taking responsibility for my actions and apologising... . I end up apologising and saying I'll remember next time. But it leads into a circle argument with me standing there listening and trying to validate.
Validate so you are sure he hears that you apologize once but only once. Then boundary - do a timeout every time he tries to pull his childish behavior (don't judge his behavior - that may not go well). He may escalate a few times. You are taking away an option he is very used to using (blaming you) and that is not comfortable.
First boundaries are hard - the hardest in fact - and need careful thinking through. Consistent implementation can bring significant change. The need commitment as there is often a price to be paid and they entail some risk.
Thinking in the back of my head I could name 20 things every hour you don't put back... .
Are you putting them back? The stuff you care about - ok - but there may be stuff you care not so much about. I try to keep the kitchen clean - I'm not perfect and in fact much messier than my wife - but in the kitchen I'm clear keeping the order leader. I still got complaints from my wife about stuff I left in the wrong places. When taking a step back I realized that I fixed a lot of her mess and not enough of mine. Now my mess has much more priority and hers less. Kitchen still clean, complaints down and maybe she has now even more a balanced sense of what clean means and her role in it.