Why Does this Bother Me So….

[Pecator]

Damn, I was having a progressive day.

spent many hour here on the board and feeling better. I even began perusing "leaving" boards. Getting my toes wet for what is probably inevitable.

Then I find out my uBPDex is planning a lovely family dinner with her brother, sister, the kids and my substitute Sunday evening.

FFFFFFFFFFF I am suddenly losing it. These were the people who helped talked her out of seeing him the last time she used him to run away from me. I was close to all of them. I regularly visited the brother when he was in the hospital. We were great friends

Now they are just one big happy family.

All the lies, manipulation, gas lighting, it took to make this happen enrages me. Why can't I expose the truth! One email and my substitute would be gone. (i won't)

And I know she is rushing the connection with her kids. I just took the younger one to dinner last we. She okayed it, but regretted it ever since. If the substitute is deeper in the picture, it makes it awkward to try to establish a relationship with the kids outside of ours

That makes me so sad…I loved those boys and they loved me.

Not one of her exes has spoken to her since breaking up. I didn't want to be that guy, not to those kids.


Why does this throw me backwards so hard?

[Surnia]

I am sorry to hear this. Yes, its hard to deal with all the this, especially when kids are involved. 

In my eyes its okay to have those feelings of anger and sadness. It doesn't mean you are thrown backwards.

As for the kids, they love you. Its not just forgotten.

[cosmonaut]

What you are feeling is very similar to how I feel.  I don't know if my ex has a replacement yet, but the near silence and distance from her family has been a second cut.  I became very close to all of them over the two years we dated.  Since my ex was living with them, I spent a great deal of time over there.  Her mother loved me.  She told me all the time how I was the best thing to ever happen to my ex.  How perfect we were for each other.  Her little brother really looked up to me and I thought of him as my little brother.  Helping him with his karate and taking him to movies and playing games together.  They all expected that we would be married.  We had openly talked about it.  Her mother kept telling us we should "just get married already".  We were waiting to get my ex into better health and her life more stabilized (If only I had known how impossible that would be... . ).

Since she left me, for reasons she can't even explain, I've barely heard a word form her family.  These are people who I had dinner with nearly every night.  Who I had spent every holiday with.  Went to church with them.  Who called and texted me regularly.  Who said I was family.  And I called them my family too (and meant it).  The silence of that hurts tremendously.  I feel so cheated.  Lied to.  Manipulated.  Used.

You have to remember that her family likely played a significant role in your ex's disorder.  As much as I care about my ex's mother, I know that her mother had a significant role to play.  Chances are very good that your ex has similar issues inside of her family.  She may have grown up in chaos like my ex did.  Her family itself may have a sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde sort of schism, just as my ex's does.  There are some wonderful things, but also some very dark things.  Some serious skeletons in the closet.  Dark secrets.

I understand the emotion, however, Pecator.  I too felt doubly abandoned by the reaction of her family.  It still hurts.  I guess I have to detach from them too in a way.

You should be very proud of yourself for the progress you have made.  Even thinking about detaching and leaving is hard.  The FOG is very powerful.  It was for all of us.  The allure of a SO w/ BPD can be an overwhelming drug.  Keep working on you.  You're doing great!   

[waverider]

This is not a BPD thing, it is simply family having to accept how things are and feeling awkward with dealing with exes. It is normal for the door to be shut like this no matter how close you were before.

Its not so much them taking sides, more a case of stepping out of a potentially delicate situation. Still hurts though. I have been through this twice, non of them to do with BPD.

[cosmonaut]

Perhaps you are right, waverider.  I do think that the BPD adds an extra layer of complexity and hurt, however.  I think everyone may be scratching their heads and trying to figure out what happened.  How everyone got ripped apart for reasons that no one really understands.  As you said, it still hurts.  Need to detach... .

[Pecator]

Thanks all,

I knew I could count on this community.

It is true that the siblings and kids are being normal. And in what is created to be a normal situation.

My woulds from BPD are just developing scars. The scars are susceptible to being torn open.

Her younger siblings and kids are a healthy support. I am glad for that. (Her older siblings were split black long ago) They have her best in mind.

The things that tares at the wound are the lies, manipulation, gas lighting, and smear campaign it took to make this seem normal. She had to tell her brother I was out and my replacement was in less that a week after he and I were together. Her brother told her days later that his wife replaced him. I can't imagine the web-weaving she did to hate the hurt it caused him while separating her actions.

I also strongly believe she knows this will complicate the relationship the boys and I have been building.

I know…detach

Just easier when wounds are still open.