She mailed a book to me with post-its and underlining...

[lauren2013]

My BPD mom (with whom I have been NC since November) sent me a book in the mail yesterday.  It is called "Bright Red Scream: self-mutilation and the language of pain."  She is a very dramatic person (which I'm sure some of you can relate to).  She is essentially trying to tell me that she self-mutilates and it is all because of her traumatic childhood.  Again - not taking responsibility for her actions, but finding ways to make herself the victim and justify how she behaves.

There was no note in the package - just the book that was full of random post-it notes and underlinings.  She underlined passages and put her initials next to them (as if to say "this is me".  There are some passages she underlined where she put my name or my brother's name or my dad's initials.    The passage with my dad's initials next to it says "When they hurt themselves, they become the literal embodiment of all the people who have abused and hurt them - who have crushed their spirits and murdered their souls... . They are carrying on a devastating legacy, yielding their control to their abusers, letting them win."  The funny thing is -SHE is the one abusing HIM.  But yet she acts like he is abusing her?  It's all so nuts and upsetting.

I feel like she somehow inserted herself into my family... . like she got in by sending this hurtful, upsetting book to me.  It just makes me so angry that she thinks this kind of behavior is OK.

I feel a lot of emotions right now - anger, anxiety, confusion.

What do you guys think?

[Sitara]

Just wow. You're not the only one that has had something like this. A few months back I found this newspaper article my mom had sent me, probably when I was in college, and she highlighted it and put notes in the margins like "This happened to me," or "This is how my parents made me feel." It was something about parent child relationships - I'd have to dig it out to remember exactly what it was about. I hadn't started boundaries or anything at that time, so her goal wasn't to make me feel bad, but it was like she was giving excuses as to why she is the way she is, saying it was her parents fault she felt so bad all the time. Then she attached a note saying that she was "sorry if she's ever made me feel that way and she would fight to keep our relationship unlike her parents."

I've held on to it because I don't know what I want to do with it. I've had half a mind to send it back saying, remember when you said you'd fight for me? Why aren't you? But I don't know if that would do any good or if that just makes me petty for sending it back or whatever. I don't even remember why she sent it, I get the feeling it was fairly out of the blue.

Your mom definitely took it a step further by sending an entire book and blaming her physical self harming on other people. I understand why that would be so upsetting. I probably would have been fuming. It might help to take a day or two to figure out what you want to do. Maybe throwing it away would be best so you don't revisit that hurt when you happen across it again. Definitely maintain your NC. My thought is that she's trying to garnish some sympathy from you to get you back into her life.

I'm so sorry, that's such a hurtful thing for her to send. 

[Marcia]

Ugh, sorry for this, hard to handle. But, please keep in mind that the goal of this mailing was to upset you and make you feel fearful and guilty, and more important than anything else, keep the emotional roller coaster going. BPD people thrive on keeping everybody off balance and upset, and believe me, they can keep it up for decades and decades.

The reason you chose NC was that you realized that nothing you did seemed to make the BPD mother feel better, and that you also realized that you were never going to feel relaxed, happy or balanced as long as you were hitched to her emotionally negative engine.

So, I would advise you to stay away from this crazy bomb of a mailing. It doesn't make sense, and there is nothing you can do for her. Please live your life the way you want to. She can get professional help for her issues.

You have a right to a normal calm life--and your own, personal challenges to deal with, as we all do.

[PleaseValidate]

Lauren and Sitara that is AWFUL!  i am so sorry for you both for having to deal w that type of behavior.

This rings very true w me: "The funny thing is -SHE is the one abusing HIM.  But yet she acts like he is abusing her?  It's all so nuts and upsetting."

Back when i was trying to reconcile w Miss Crazy, i would bring up valid points of abuse from my childhood and in turn SHE would rant at my Grams for what i was upset w HER for! And then my Grams would tell me all about it and it got to the point that all we did was talk about my BPDmo so i slowly went NC w BPDmo and Grams said she felt too guilty to call or even talk to me because her BPDdau would constantly remind her that "SHE IS MINE!" Forget men, there is nothing like being objectified and "OWNED" by your own mother!

[Finding Courage]

This is totally the kind of manipulative move my mom would do too.  My mom's goal would be to 1.  make me feel bad about limited contact, 2. play the victim and play up the waif behavior, 3.  ironically trying to "deepen" our relationship (which actually usually looks like her aiming for more enmeshment).

It has taken me a long time, but for me one thing that has been helpful is reminding myself that she is an adult who is capable of making adult choices.  If she needs therapy, she is an adult who can do that.  It is not my job or my problem if she doesn't manage her life.  And any sympathy I would normally have in these types of circumstances has been totally used up long ago by her abusive behavior.  I don't have any great advice as to how to respond, but you are totally justified in feeling upset about this book.

Also, my mom ALWAYS plays the victim in regard to my dad.  She acts like he treats her so terribly and that he is a bad husband when the opposite is true.  She treats him very badly.  However, he is also an adult who makes the choice to stay so I don't feel as bad about that as I used to.  He made his choices too. 

Take care.

[lauren2013]

Yes!  Those are her goals with sending this book.  But she positions it as "OK, maybe I've acted inappropriately (kind of admitting it?), but this is WHY.  It's not my fault.  It's my dad's.  My mom's.  Your dad's.  Actually, it's your fault."  Haha.  Each underlining felt like she was saying that!  She wrote names next to different paragraphs as if to say "X is your fault, Y is my mom's fault."  I just can't get over how crazy and inappropriate it is/was.

She was sending packages and things around xmas, and, as soon as I saw they were from her, I'd send them back.  I was terrified as I was doing it (of her anger?), but I didn't want ANYTHING from her.  So when she sent this book via FedEx she put her initials on the return address instead of her full name.  AS IF THAT WOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  I know your address, your handwriting, your initials.  Did you really think you'd be disguising the sender?  So weird.

I am keeping the book to show my therapist next week, but then I will throw it away.  It is giving off negative energy - I can feel it.

I really don't know what to do about my dad.  We used to be so close.  He is a kind soul, but he has been beaten down by my mom.  He hasn't contacted me since I went NC with my mom... . and he won't leave her.  He's been with her for over 30 years.  But, as you said "Finding Courage," he has made his choices, too.  I can't change things.  I can't be responsible any longer.  They are adults.