how you can appeace your rage?

[afdezm]

I am 6  months out, and this days I really want to  send  messange telling her how a b_itch and ill person  she is.

Sometimes the rage its impossible to cut off.

Please guys give me some tools for to channel this rage.

Thanks and sorry for my english!

[seeking balance]

I found exercise very helpful in the rage part - the more you can sweat, the better!

[MissTajo]

Please guys give me some tools for to channel this rage.

 Exercice

 Fall in love again

 Spend more time with friends

 Do more of what makes you happy

 Travel somewhere

[Turkish]

I am 6  months out, and this days I really want to  send  messange telling her how a b_itch and ill person  she is.

Sometimes the rage its impossible to cut off.

Please guys give me some tools for to channel this rage.

Thanks and sorry for my english!

I  have imaginary conversations in my head with what I'd really like to say to her! I  won't though,  because I  have to see her about every week or so due to our kids.  venting to myself in this manner helps me be calm and mindful of the moment when I have to be in the same room it converse with her.

[Madison66]

All of the suggestions here are great.  My uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years stood in front of me when I cut the cord on the r/s in early Dec sobbing that she loved me so much right before she physically abused me and damaged my property on the way out.  She then had a replacement within a week or two.  From what I understand, she now on replacement 3 in the first 100 days.  Believe me, as I've heard this stuff and come to grips with the abuse I allowed along with a few ridiculous attempts by her to break n/c I've had my angry moments.  Above and beyond what others have posted, I've radically accepted a few things that have helped me beyond my own belief:

1. I accept and bless all of my feelings.  They are real and I own them.  I also am responsible for how I express them.  Working on understanding my emotional timeline has helped me confront and file those feelings, memories, etc. back to where they belong = behind me.  Very visual exercise that I scoffed at when my T used it on me, but it really works!

2. She suffers from PD(s) and mental illness.  My anger, shame, blame, confusion, sadness, etc. can't and wont change it.  Furthermore, her behavior is unacceptable to me.  I have no control over her or her behavior, and I choose to not have her involved in my life.  Period.  End of story!

3. I fully participated in the r/s and I only have control of "me".  My focus is not solely on me and my daughter.  My issues are mine and I choose to deal with them in healthy ways and not project them on to others.

4. If I feel like she is still hurting me or her communication/behavior is affecting me, it is because I am allowing it to.  She can not hurt me or anger me unless I allow her to.  I will no longer do that.  If I do, I'm in my T's office the next week dealing with it front and center.

5. N/c is the only healthy way to deal with her and the situation for my health and well being.  Additionally, I would never choose a friend who treats people the way she treated me, so there is no benefit to me to allow her to remain in my life.  Any attempt by her to break n/c I respond with the "big black hole of nothingness"!   

Maybe you are seeing my theme here.  I freed myself of the attachment chains by fully embracing "me" and letting go of any thoughts that I could have any impact on her behavior.  That ended when I said "goodbye" for the last time.  You have every right to be angry.  Now, you have every right to separate yourself from that crap and find peace within yourself!  As Ed Roland of Collective Soul sings on "Better Now", "it's time to celebrate you!" 

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Im looking for this answer as well. Exersize helps, sure, while Im doing it. But then once Im done and at home, the anger is still there. I considered doing the whole "write a letter/email and dont send it" thing, but we did a sort of letter writing technique while we were dating, and it was always stressful because she would basically ignore the entire contents of my writing, so it just kind of feels like a trigger for me.

I want to learn to get rid of these awful thoughts! I have never felt such rage and anger towards someone, or thought such ugly things. I imagine her getting in a car accident while texting my replacement, and i dont particularly care, in fact, I feel better. I know its an ugly thought but I want to get it out there and maybe those feels are normal and just kept hushed, like how mothers feel when they get post partum, its scary stuff to think but its there and Im sure Im not the only one. I imagine her life going to sh!t, and I feel better. I feel like I was keeping her responsible and functional a lot, so it makes me feel better that maybe she may realize how much work I was putting in. I think maybe now she sleeps through her alarms to get up for work or school, got pulled over for not getting the headlamp on her car replaced because im not around to remind her, she misses doctors appointments and times she needs to take pills, she burns dinner and it tastes bland, etc, I think about all those struggles I perceive she could be having, and I feel better. probably just a symptom of a very recent break up, though.

[heartandwhole]

Lots of great advice here. Anger is a tough one to deal with, although a very normal part of the healing process.  I think it's great that you are posting about it– that is a brave and honest thing to do.

Here are some tips from Susan Anderson's Journey from Abandonment to Healing book.

• Use the aggressive energy to to take positive actions on your own behalf, instead of using it to protect yourself from perceived attacks.



• Accept reality– if we continue to rail against reality, we remain stuck and won't feel the pain of our loss, something that is very necessary for healing.



• Watch for agitated depression (increased irritability and low tolerance for frustration), and use the energy to fight for yourself and your dreams; not against your betrayer.



• Direct this "fight" energy toward a goal– taking action to gain something doesn't increase stress hormones; fighting against losing something does.

Keep writing, it helps.  

[maxen]

i'm still furious. not all the time but i still get into furious states, really enraged. my T has, seriously i think, asked me why i am not smashing things in my apartment. she suggests things i could break (bookshelves, e.g.). why am i enraged? i could forgive the infidelity in itself. i cannot forgive the way she acted afterwards. it was too sordid; i closed the door on reconciliation because of that. i think lowly of it, so it's not the source of the anger. what has me enraged is that this whole business was done in deceit, with planning, presenting me with a done deal, and she brought a few others in on it beforehand. not just the homewrecker (and i use that term advisedly), who is too low to care about. but also some friends, more hers than mine but still mine. (and her therapist!) she knows i have clinical depression and still chose to do this. it's the victimization and the sense that the world has supported her in what was objectively speaking a campaign of lies for the purpose of infidelity that has me enraged. nine months almost from d-day and i'm nowhere over it, i don't know how long it will take, especially as i'm still facing a settlement process that will leave me, the one who was honest and faithful, financially violated.

it's hard, really hard, to contextualize the situation, i'm so consumed by it, but to appease my anger it's been very helpful to do so. i do have to remember that these people who countenanced what she did amount to very few in the world and that everyone to whom i've described what happened, as factually as possible, is appalled; that she without a doubt has BPD and is a master victimologist and projector, and has started relationships behind the backs of three other partners (but we were married ... . ); that her family are very self-regarding and never bring judgement to themselves (her brother was also an adulterer; according to my stbxw it was somehow his now ex-wife's fault). it's still hard, though, to absorb these explanations when your life has been blown up without advance warning and the rubble is still on top of you.

and very good suggestions from anderson, heartandwhole!

it was always stressful because she would basically ignore the entire contents of my writing

that same thing happened to me.

[rougeetnoir]

Can I suggest mindfulness meditation?  I've started since I broke up (nothing fancy, just counting my breaths-- in through the nose and out through the mouth-- up until ten and then start over.  If your thoughts start to run, acknowledge that your thoughts are running in a non-judgemental fashion and start back at one.  You can google techniques or download an app too.  I try to do 15 minutes twice a day) about two months ago and one of the really good things that I've noticed is that whereas I used to be angry, anxious or upset frequently in traffic, I've calmed down quite a bit.  It hasn't eliminated my anger, frustration or sadness, but has been a useful tool in letting it flow through me.  If I find myself becoming particularly ruminative or angry or lonely, I'll take some time and meditate.  Just focusing on my breathing.  There is more and more science on the matter that points to the benefits.

[afdezm]

Thanks for all the replies!

I love your post madison66 and heartandwhole!

The problem is that when someone smash your ego you only have feelings of revenge, and revenge its not a good feeling. In the past I broke the n/c only to attack her. Stupid reaction from me I know. In front of this she only didn't replie. More pain.

I only want that all this story end. I'm making new friends, dating new girls, but the shadow of my exbBPDgf is elongated. And when thoughts of her back to my mind, back stronger.

Thanks to god for this board.