contempt of court

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Hi all just wanted some opinions and advice.

so my ex is going on vacation in april, it was originally only supposed to be 4 or  days but has turned into 10 days. my daughter is 1yr and she is taking her on a cruise with her other kids. because of this I will lose 6 visitation days for a total of 20 hrs. she is refusing to try and make up the time without taking more time from me, let me explain.

right now it is as follows.

phase 1 starting march 1st, every Monday and Wednesday 3pm to 5pm every sat and sun 2pm to 6pm

phase 2 starting june 1st, every mon and wed 3pm to 5pm every other sat from 2pm to sunday 6pm.

phase 3 starting jan 1st 2015 every wed 3pm to 5 pm and every other weekend fri 6pm to sun 6pm

now she is furious over phase 1 that I get every sat and sun, and she is upset over phase 2 starting overnights. a few days ago she asked me to consider changing sat to 3 hrs instead of 4 and add the hr on sunday and keep adding time on sunday gradually until it reaches 8 hrs and the time frame to hit 8 hrs will be around june when the overnights start. the reason for this is to get my daughter used to longer visits with me. the issue I have with this is taking that 1 hr away on sat will keep me from going to my house for visitation. I live 40 min from my ex so 3 hrs would not be enough time, even with 4 hrs that only gives me 2 hrs and 40 min with her at my house. the judge did it this way so my daughter would get used to the enviourment before overnights start, so it defeats that purpose. I explained that to her and suggested that we leave things as they are on sat and increase the time on Sundays as this would serve 2 things 1 help my daughter with more time and 2 make up the 20 hrs im losing.

she flipped out calling me selfish and said that shes not doing that and the only way she is making the hrs up at all is if I take 1 hr off on sat. I told my lawyer and she said to wait until after the vacation and if she still doesn't want to make the hrs up I could go after contempt of court

if I do that what will happen typically?

[Eco]

Hi all just wanted some opinions and advice.

so my ex is going on vacation in april, it was originally only supposed to be 4 or  days but has turned into 10 days. my daughter is 1yr and she is taking her on a cruise with her other kids. because of this I will lose 6 visitation days for a total of 20 hrs. she is refusing to try and make up the time without taking more time from me, let me explain.

right now it is as follows.

phase 1 starting march 1st, every Monday and Wednesday 3pm to 5pm every sat and sun 2pm to 6pm

phase 2 starting june 1st, every mon and wed 3pm to 5pm every other sat from 2pm to sunday 6pm.

phase 3 starting jan 1st 2015 every wed 3pm to 5 pm and every other weekend fri 6pm to sun 6pm

now she is furious over phase 1 that I get every sat and sun, and she is upset over phase 2 starting overnights. a few days ago she asked me to consider changing sat to 3 hrs instead of 4 and add the hr on sunday and keep adding time on sunday gradually until it reaches 8 hrs and the time frame to hit 8 hrs will be around june when the overnights start. the reason for this is to get my daughter used to longer visits with me. the issue I have with this is taking that 1 hr away on sat will keep me from going to my house for visitation. I live 40 min from my ex so 3 hrs would not be enough time, even with 4 hrs that only gives me 2 hrs and 40 min with her at my house. the judge did it this way so my daughter would get used to the enviourment before overnights start, so it defeats that purpose. I explained that to her and suggested that we leave things as they are on sat and increase the time on Sundays as this would serve 2 things 1 help my daughter with more time and 2 make up the 20 hrs im losing.

she flipped out calling me selfish and said that shes not doing that and the only way she is making the hrs up at all is if I take 1 hr off on sat. I told my lawyer and she said to wait until after the vacation and if she still doesn't want to make the hrs up I could go after contempt of court

if I do that what will happen typically?

[ForeverDad]

1. Comply with the order, don't change the schedule just because she demands it.  You already know it hurts you to have a shorter visit, so no need to argue with her or explain anything to her.  You know she's not really listening.  Just point to the order and say you're following the order.  Period.  Let her be upset.  If it wasn't that then it would be something else she'd be upset over, right?

2. Does the court recognize vacations in temp orders?  Did she properly serve a Vacation Notice?  If she made the change from 4 days to 10 days after the court order was issued, then judge may consider that obstructive.  However, judges are usually reluctant to make a fuss or get too peeved.  I agree with lawyer, it's not Contempt of Court (CC) until it happens, so you have to see what happens.

3. Overnights are NORMAL.  Entire weekends are normal too.  Yes, she doesn't like it but unless the court sees you as dangerous or neglectful, you are a normal parent and get overnights.  Even a sick child is no excuse to cancel an exchange.  (Obvious reminder: Don't give her any excuse to claim you are dangerous or neglectful.)

I had a couple CC cases during my two year divorce.  Each time my lawyer presented the case and then let the magistrate set it aside.  The reason was that if it was immediately handled then later if we went to trial it could not be used since it had already been ruled upon and was over.  As it turned out, we settled at literally the last minute before trial and so it was never ruled upon.

However, my lawyer said CC was taken much more seriously after the final decree.  By then the parties should have calmed down and settled into their new separate lives.  So the judges view post-decree CC as more serious.

[marbleloser]

Do you have these communications in emails? If so,keep them,send them to your attorney and ask for a motion to enforce the schedule.

You know prior to the vacation that she plans on not abiding,so best to file a motion to enforce. If she still goes ahead with her plans,then file for contempt when she returns.

This is willful custodial interference.  I had to do this recently. The hearing got set a blinding speed,in court timeframe anyway.

[Eco]

Do you have these communications in emails? If so,keep them,send them to your attorney and ask for a motion to enforce the schedule.

You know prior to the vacation that she plans on not abiding,so best to file a motion to enforce. If she still goes ahead with her plans,then file for contempt when she returns

I do she is the one that started the emails, I have 8 pages of her crazy unreasonable thinking and she ended with "im sending these emails to my lawyer"

I told my lawyer about it and she said to let her go on vacation and proceed with contempt when she gets back if she doesn't try and make the time up to me.

I hate to be this way but I feel that if I let anything slide she will take full advantage.

1. Comply with the order, don't change the schedule just because she demands it.  You already know it hurts you to have a shorter visit, so no need to argue with her or explain anything to her.  You know she's not really listening.  Just point to the order and say you're following the order.  Period.  Let her be upset.  If it wasn't that then it would be something else she'd be upset over, right?

  exactly, that's what I did. I wanted to engage with her in the emails just to build documentation to show the courts what I have to deal with when I go back to court.[/quote]
2. Does the court recognize vacations in temp orders?  Did she properly serve a Vacation Notice?  If she made the change from 4 days to 10 days after the court order was issued, then judge may consider that obstructive.  However, judges are usually reluctant to make a fuss or get too peeved.  I agree with lawyer, it's not Contempt of Court (CC) until it happens, so you have to see what happens.[/quote]


well its a final order as of march 1st 2014 , I haven't got the full parenting plan back yet but should have it next week she did not mention this vacation in court.

. Overnights are NORMAL.  Entire weekends are normal too.  Yes, she doesn't like it but unless the court sees you as dangerous or neglectful, you are a normal parent and get overnights.  Even a sick child is no excuse to cancel an exchange.  (Obvious reminder: Don't give her any excuse to claim you are dangerous or neglectful.)

the judge thought so as well and the judge also saw me as a very competent parent based on testimony and the fact that I have custody of my 10 yr old son

thanks guys for the info

[david]

When sending emails always remember a judge may be seeing it sometime in the future. Avoid arguing and stay focused on the child. My ex used to try to change the court order all the time. I stuck to the rules and eventually she realized that is the way it is now.

[Eco]

When sending emails always remember a judge may be seeing it sometime in the future. Avoid arguing and stay focused on the child. My ex used to try to change the court order all the time. I stuck to the rules and eventually she realized that is the way it is now.

very true and I was counting on that, I really spoke honestly and polite but firm and to the point no feelings on my side were involved and my theme was as it should be , that we do what's best for our daughter not each other. Its easy to think straight when you're out of the fog.

when her plan to drag me in the deep end of the pool failed she did what she always does when she loses control she came unglued, thankfully its documented

[david]

I communicate through email only with my xBPDw. I have over a thousand emails from her (started in 2007) and I can show her dysregulation. My atty has a bunch and he has pointed out that I stay focused on the kids and ex goes off on tangents attacking me.

[livednlearned]

You can file to prevent having your daughter go on the vacation. That deprives your D of being with the other kids, although she is quite young so it is hard to say what she would be deprived of if she didn't go. That would be an ex parte filing to suspend the current order in place because your ex is refusing to allow you time the court has said you can have.

But your L is suggesting you keep your head, and then file after the fact. I kinda agree -- it will show a pattern of her being entitled and acting above the law, and you being left to pick up the pieces. In the long term, this is probably a better strategy.

When you file a motion for contempt, there is usually a hearing. Your L will talk about the facts, and her L will have to come up with a pretty good story to explain. In my court, when there is a contempt of court, you can ask to have legal fees compensated. If the ruling is in your favor, she will have to pay legal fees. I'm not sure how common that is. And of course, it's a bear to actually get that money.

Motions for contempt can be a lot like parking tickets. In some courts, they can rack up, and the offender never goes to jail like they might in other courts -- the benefit of using them is to demonstrate a pattern of behavior so that when you ask for more custody, there is a documented history of the trouble maker. The downside is the expense and protracted conflict.

[Eco]

But your L is suggesting you keep your head, and then file after the fact. I kinda agree -- it will show a pattern of her being entitled and acting above the law, and you being left to pick up the pieces. In the long term, this is probably a better strategy.

I agree as well, she definitely has a pattern of acting entitled and above the law

Motions for contempt can be a lot like parking tickets. In some courts, they can rack up, and the offender never goes to jail like they might in other courts -- the benefit of using them is to demonstrate a pattern of behavior so that when you ask for more custody, there is a documented history of the trouble maker. The downside is the expense and protracted conflict.

that is my plan, its only been 3 weeks since the final order has been in place and I have a lot of documentation of her trying to change things, control my time, and try and act in her best interest and not my daughters.

I hate that I have to be this way but I feel that I have to send a message to my ex that no you will not take advantage of my kindness anymore and you will respect my boundaries. I want her to know that she cant take my visitation time away whenever she feels like it without making the time up                                                 

[david]

Boundaries are important for all involved. My ex doesn't like them but after a few years she has come to accept them. She rarely tests them now. Learn about extinction bursts because they went along with my boundary setting. Steady at the helm and things do get better.

[livednlearned]

Boundaries are important for all involved. My ex doesn't like them but after a few years she has come to accept them. She rarely tests them now. Learn about extinction bursts because they went along with my boundary setting. Steady at the helm and things do get better.

Your ex is likely to do a lot of things that you could file motions for contempt for. My advice is to think strategically how to use them -- court is expensive. You can file multiple motions for contempt at once. If there are other things she has done, file them all together. Definitely file for the big stuff, but don't feel like you need to file for every single thing whenever it happens. Save them up. You might allow her to bust a boundary, but then you assert that boundary through motions for contempt when it makes sense strategically and financially for you. Don't let things go too longer -- for example, if you wait six months, it will go stale. Six months is a bit of a magic number in many courts.

Also, your child is young and this is going to go on for a long time. Pay really close attention to what those motions look like. You may want to ask your attorney if you can take a shot at writing drafts that she then puts her polish on -- a way to save money. You aren't asking to go pro tem (or whatever it is when an L consults and you represent in court), but you might want to ask how you can save some money here and there, either by making copies, sending stuff out, writing drafts.

[ForeverDad]

When I was first in family court, the magistrate stopped me when I starting going back in time too far.  A common time frame is 6 months before a court considers an event or incident 'stale' or not actionable.  However, it's possible incidents in past years might be used to demonstrate a pattern of behaviors.  Just be sure you've got them documented with details.  "He always... . " or "she always... . " is heard and then disregarded as too vague and just hearsay that is not actionable.  Being able to list the dates, locations, and other incident details as documentation mean a lot in court.

So if you've got something you really want to raise as Contempt of Court or some other action, then file it well before you hit that 6 month limit.  The older it is, the harder to get action.  Picture it this way... . Imagine calling 911 and saying, "My ex threatened me last weekend."  Don't be surprised if the response is, "This is an emergency line, emergency responders are sent out for emergencies, call back when you have an ongoing emergency."

If you haven't already, start a journal or diary of parenting and other incidents.  I have bought medium sized weekly minders every year since 2006.  It's a hassle, a small boxful now some nine years later, but necessary.  Last time in court, two full days for Modification of Parenting Time, I had to refer to them to document my phone call recordings where ex was trying to jerk my chain and twist events to her favor.