the thing that freaks me out about our breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just some thoughts... . It's been months since our breakup, but the thing that still kinda makes me feel a bit ill is that SHE broke up with ME. On a whim of course, but at that time, I had no idea she had BPD or that BPD even existed.

I know that I wouldn't have broken up with her. At that point, I was only just starting to see how her behaviour was affecting me. I was constantly looking after her and not myself, I would get the silent treatment, fights that teetered on the edge of breakup and then would resolve, and I wasn't getting enough sleep and my grades were dropping. I realised things were getting bad, but I hadn't experienced the full extent of BPD (this came in the smear campaign) and had no idea just how ill she was.

I think I am a mature guy who would want to talk and discuss things and work it out, because I thought that's what you do in a relationship. You don't just break up and leave it at that, do you? But after she broke up with me, that's when I really saw how sick she was. Suicide threats and attempts, fake pregnancy, abusive messages from her and her friends, she took me to court, stalked me, hacked my facebook... .

But I wouldn't have seen all this had she not broken up with me and immediately after threatened suicide. That was what scared me off. It very quickly became obvious that there was no talking to, no reasoning with, no satisfying this person. And then not so quickly, I realised that I didn't really know her, and that probably everything she told me was a lie... .

The suicide threat was an attempt to suck me back in and look after her. When I didn't jump at that, she escalated to a pregnancy. Everything was designed to pull me back in. NC drove her crazy(er), and the illusion was shattered.

Yet I still feel had she been able to have kept it all hidden, like she did for so long, I would not have broken up with her. I would have worked at our relationship, I was invested in it and wanted it to work, I know I am a good person and give people chances and can forgive people. But I wonder how much more abuse I would have put up with... . I could have been involved in this for so much longer and endured so much more pain... !

So I guess her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened, really.

[bossanover]

Just some thoughts... . It's been months since our breakup, but the thing that still kinda makes me feel a bit ill is that SHE broke up with ME. On a whim of course, but at that time, I had no idea she had BPD or that BPD even existed.

I know that I wouldn't have broken up with her. At that point, I was only just starting to see how her behaviour was affecting me. I was constantly looking after her and not myself, I would get the silent treatment, fights that teetered on the edge of breakup and then would resolve, and I wasn't getting enough sleep and my grades were dropping. I realised things were getting bad, but I hadn't experienced the full extent of BPD (this came in the smear campaign) and had no idea just how ill she was.

I think I am a mature guy who would want to talk and discuss things and work it out, because I thought that's what you do in a relationship. You don't just break up and leave it at that, do you? But after she broke up with me, that's when I really saw how sick she was. Suicide threats and attempts, fake pregnancy, abusive messages from her and her friends, she took me to court, stalked me, hacked my facebook... .

But I wouldn't have seen all this had she not broken up with me and immediately after threatened suicide. That was what scared me off. It very quickly became obvious that there was no talking to, no reasoning with, no satisfying this person. And then not so quickly, I realised that I didn't really know her, and that probably everything she told me was a lie... .

The suicide threat was an attempt to suck me back in and look after her. When I didn't jump at that, she escalated to a pregnancy. Everything was designed to pull me back in. NC drove her crazy(er), and the illusion was shattered.

Yet I still feel had she been able to have kept it all hidden, like she did for so long, I would not have broken up with her. I would have worked at our relationship, I was invested in it and wanted it to work, I know I am a good person and give people chances and can forgive people. But I wonder how much more abuse I would have put up with... . I could have been involved in this for so much longer and endured so much more pain... !

So I guess her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened, really.

[Dog biscuit]

It's been months since our breakup, but the thing that still kinda makes me feel a bit ill is that SHE broke up with ME.

So I guess her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened, really.

[Dolly rocker]

A blessing in disguise, Bossanover!

She sounds just like Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction!

[corraline]

Ya know that saying

"When one door closes, another one opens "

Its so hard to close this door for some of us because there are still lots of lessons to learn and pain to process  but if we try to remember there is another one thats  already opening it will get easier im sure

i suppose because we don't know what lies beyond the open door right now cause we are having difficulty seeing the potential for what lies there .

We have to create it ourselves... . imagine... . creating a new life... Its ours to play with . a new canvas!

[purpleavocado]

Awesome that you came full circle within this post! Like you, I wish I'd made the actual decision to break up. Instead, my ex thought it would be a good idea to dump me at 7 AM on the way out the door to work and then proceeded to act like we were still in a relationship for the remainder of our lease. I WISH that I'd just said "this isn't working for me." But I didn't have the strength. Like you, I would have done anything to make it work. Absolutely anything. So in that regard, she did me a huge favor.

But I do have my days where I really hate myself for putting up with so much and not breaking it off.

Also I really relate to your ex keeping it well-hidden. Mine wooed me, I moved across the country for her, and a few months later it all started to go downhill. Funny how they can 'control' themselves long enough to reel you in and then all hell breaks loose.

[corraline]

Yeah , i guess it is a good thing when they do... . guess you gotta see it that way.

Changing your perspective about the rejection helps

It still hurts though.

[Jb2003]

I fell in love with a girl that had BPD, she was honest about it in the beginning of our relationship. We quickly got engaged, because she asked me to marry her and we were "soul matesl",she called me her person. I of course bought this hook line and sinker plus the tackle box and the boat! I helped her move away from her home town,where all of her "triggers" were and after 6 months of literally laying in bed while I paid for everything and even bailed out her checking account on numerous occasions because she had forgot this purchase or that purchase and over drew her account. I paid for her numerous redundant prescriptions that she doctor shopped to get and would still run out of, do to wearing me down and me feeling so bad for her hurting that inevitably I would give in and give her. She dumps me for "controlling" her. In reality she controlled me! I cooked meals did the dishes did her laundry helped her from bed to the tub,because she was so " depressed" she didn't have the energy to get up, then I bathed her washed her hair dried her off and helped her back into the bed I had just changed the sheets on in the mean time. She asked me to control her medication for her because she would overtake it and have none and then I would have to hustle some meds from the street to placate her. In the end she said I was trying to control her by holding her medicine (the very thing she asked me to do) and controlling her with the money situation because the job I had lined up for her, she "couldn't" get out of bed to meet the lady and fill out the paperwork to a job custom suited to her. She also stated that basically everything I said was derogatory and that every time she asked me a question I "rolled" my eyes at her. Which I don't and have really never done. So without warning broke up with me and packed her stuff and is already dating the next guy that she found on FB while we were still together and has adopted his last name on her FB page, bear in mind this is less than a month out from our relationship. Yet with all of this going on I still love her and seem to want her back even though I know this is toxic to both me and my business that I basically put on hiatus to be her errand boy and slave. I feel as though I am the crazy one and it is hard to do simple tasks without thinking of her and what she is doing with the other guy... . Sorry I have laid all this out but I am hurt at a core level and feel like my soul has a scar through it the size of the Grand Canyon... . I am a strong person and really enjoyed my life before her nowI feel as though I am a bundle of dysfunction and can't stop crying like a girl and if you could see me you would think that I could a might rip your head off but in fact I'm a nice guy. Now I'm bitter sad and want to lash out to do something... . I just hurt soo BAD... . JB   Sorry about the sentence structure but I had to get this out... .

It is the no remorse in her eyes as she left that hurt the most

[corraline]

yikes, that hurts jb

to be so blatantly discarded after helping her soo much

sounds like you really did alot of caring for her and feel used

i dont like to give advice so much but maybe try to stay on here or reach out to those close to you who you trust and do something nice for yourself tonite.

Even something little. 

[Jb2003]

Yea thanks corraline she picked up her last load of stuff so I suppose I will not see or hear from her again she moved back home which is 3 hours away so it not like I will bump into her... .   It was just the cold black stare as she said maybe we can be friends as she pulled,away that really stung... . JB

[corraline]

Sorry JB

I got the very distant and non emotional response when i last saw mine too

Its what people do sometimes to protect themselves.  Its not about you .

[Jb2003]

Yea I know but it doesn't lessen the void in my soulans I see people on here that are talking about being out for 6,10,18 months and I saw her drive away fri. So yea I still got a lot of healin to do, I get almost physically sick when I think about the whole situation. I know it's the BPD not her heart, but it doesn't make the tears less wet or my nose less raw... .

[corraline]

jb

the last i heard from mine was two weeks ago

im feeling very low myself

so low i am uncomfortable to admit

when it first happened i felt an incredible void too.

it was excruciatingly unbearable

its a bit better now

but its up and down

im not you but i think i can relate to your pain

[Jb2003]

I know where you are... . I teeter between rage and tears. I can understand why she wanted to sleep all the time and can empathize with her "spinning" in her mind even more so now than before

[corraline]

jb

yeah, i thought maybe his drinking himself to oblivion like he does wasn't such a bad idea after all

it sorta works for him ... . well i know thats not the truth

but anyhow... im not going to do that  cause i know ill weaken and break no contact or god knows what else.

trying to keep my head as level as possible

not an easy task mind you.

[corraline]

also jb

the info on this site is very helpful

not sure how much you have looked into it

i found the personal inventory board with some really incredible stories of more senior members to be inspiring and also humbling

not posting on there yet... . too soon

but i will one day

[Jb2003]

Cool I'll check it out... . thanks corraline... . been reading all day and just kinda found this site by happenstance... . Have a good night... .

[corraline]

 

[shatteredheart]

 Jb2003

I can totally relate to what your feeling... . I'll give ya a brief history and then get to the point ... . I found this board a few years ago. At that time I was going through a very rough very abusive r/s, and he was def. BPD.

HOWEVER  that r/s ended, time went by I dated a few other ppl and then about 8 months ago I met what I thought to be " the one". :'(

  This R/S was perfect... . he thought the world me and treated me like gold... . I started to believe it was possible once again to feel good and enjoy life without the fear it would be ripped from me... . I felt like a human again... He told me he wanted to marry me, said I was "what he had always wanted"... . that" CLEARLY I was the ONE... . NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND... " I ate it up an swallowed it whole... . I was in complete and blinding bliss... . UNTIL... . ( and here is where I can totally relate to your words and post) about 4 weeks ago maybe 5 now... . Everything was going great... . I had just got done with a big painting project in his house, just got done having a nice Valentines day together... . The day after V day, we were talking and all of the sudden he started criticizing me... . little things at first but then really started going off on me. Told me he wanted nice things in life and he didn't think I was working hard enough ( he had just got a HUGE job promotion and was starting it on MONday, this was SAT.) Long story short... . it went south quickly, I broke down sobbing like a baby and the more I cried the more angry & aggressive he got... . he was horribly cruel to me, actually pushing me out the door into the snow and ice, after midnight in my nightgown, and closed the door, after a few minutes he opened the door and tossed my keys out at me. then closed the door again. I tell you I cannot remember how I drove home... . Once I got there I got into the bed and didn't leave the bed for days... . I was crushed, the week went by and the weekend came, we were supposed to get together and talk and work things out... . or so I was led to believe... . Another long story short... . I caught him with an X of his ... . it was horribly painful, especially because she has a job that pays quite a bit more money than I do, as well as her family has money. They were cruel and mocking towards me when I confronted them. All my belongings were there at his house... . I had been living there for almost 6 months & as I was trying to get my stuff out , she sat there and talked Sh*t to me the whole time... . he just screamed at me to hurry up. GOD had to have been holding me back because I remember feeling strangely calm... . even as i sit here remembering it, I am in amazement that I didn't loose my cool & do something I would regret.  Now to this day... . I LOVE this man? but I also know what I know... . I am ANGRY and sad... . crying at the drop of a hat and at least once a day if not more. When I saw him last week, he looked at me like he never even knew me... . It crushed me all over again. I know how you feel thinking all the things I did and went out of my way to do to make him happy, do things his way... . adapt to his schedule, cook certain foods, clean his house, laundry, shampoo his carpets, paint and redo his bathroom(2 days before he dropped the bomb) This man told everyone he was going to marry me... . took me to look at rings... . I TOTALLY trusted and believed in this man, I LOVED him unconditionally. It made me question what my worth was when I had done everything and anything he needed or wanted... . like you said... . you were catering to her every whim... . It hurts BAD and DEEP when this happens and I didn't see it coming... .

The advice that I can give is to keep posting on this site, the people here have felt, or are feeling, the same way you feel and been through much pain themselves. I find it more helpful than talking to some friends and family because they have NO clue what i'm going through... . keep reading and realize there are people out there who would LOVE and appreciate a person like you... . Don't stop being a good person just because someone else is an Ahole. Don't feel bad about crying because if you hold that kind of pain in... . it will eventually eat you alive or build to the point of uncontrollable & surface when you least expect it. Don't be to hard on yourself for feeling a range of emotions... . it's what happens.  

[bossanover]

Awesome that you came full circle within this post! Like you, I wish I'd made the actual decision to break up. Instead, my ex thought it would be a good idea to dump me at 7 AM on the way out the door to work and then proceeded to act like we were still in a relationship for the remainder of our lease. I WISH that I'd just said "this isn't working for me." But I didn't have the strength. Like you, I would have done anything to make it work. Absolutely anything. So in that regard, she did me a huge favor.

But I do have my days where I really hate myself for putting up with so much and not breaking it off.

Also I really relate to your ex keeping it well-hidden. Mine wooed me, I moved across the country for her, and a few months later it all started to go downhill. Funny how they can 'control' themselves long enough to reel you in and then all hell breaks loose.

It's strange, I felt like I had only just started to see what was really happening, I did say "this isn't working for me"! and then BAM it was over. And I didn't put up with nearly as much as other people on this forum... !

I remember reading someone else post something along the lines of "they push us to the absolute limit, and then the moment we stand up for ourselves, they end it". It was so true.

When her recylcing attempts failed, she just went bonkers. It was terrifying really...

My friends keep telling me I dodged a bullet, but it takes a while to fully realise that and detach completely.

Man, does anyone really detach completely? I'm doing pretty good now but feel like a part of me will always be stuck back there...

[LuckyNicki]

I think I am a mature guy who would want to talk and discuss things and work it out, because I thought that's what you do in a relationship. You don't just break up and leave it at that, do you? But after she broke up with me, that's when I really saw how sick she was. Suicide threats and attempts, fake pregnancy, abusive messages from her and her friends, she took me to court, stalked me, hacked my facebook... .

So I guess her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened, really.

I simply don't understand this about BPD's and I've been reading about it.  I can't grasp at the fact that SHE DOES THE BREAKING UP and then stalks you?  And makes suicide threats?  I don't get this?  Shouldn't it be the other way around.

My exBPDgf doesn't really "threaten suicide".  She'll say something along the lines of "I pray that God give me the strength to not kill myself today".

[bossanover]

I think I am a mature guy who would want to talk and discuss things and work it out, because I thought that's what you do in a relationship. You don't just break up and leave it at that, do you? But after she broke up with me, that's when I really saw how sick she was. Suicide threats and attempts, fake pregnancy, abusive messages from her and her friends, she took me to court, stalked me, hacked my facebook... .

So I guess her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened, really.

I simply don't understand this about BPD's and I've been reading about it.  I can't grasp at the fact that SHE DOES THE BREAKING UP and then stalks you?  And makes suicide threats?  I don't get this?  Shouldn't it be the other way around.

My exBPDgf doesn't really "threaten suicide".  She'll say something along the lines of "I pray that God give me the strength to not kill myself today".

I've been doing lots of reading too LuckyNicki... From what I understand, the breakup is so they can save themselves the pain of being abandoned. They have to "get in first"... . In my case, the breakup probably wasn't intended as final, with recylces planned soon after. I decided I wasn't going to stay in a toxic relationship where everything was designed to manipulate me (whether obvious or subtle), and the following suicide threats, stalking, fake pregnancy, lies, were all attempts to hook me back in, a series of sick "tests" to come back into the fold and care for her again like before. The fake pregnancy was a sort of "there's no way you can be anything other than supportive of me in this situation" trap.

QUICKSAND

There is a good explanation of this sort of behaviour in the "walking on eggshells" book where someone with BPD explains the process of going through thoughts of "Go on, leave! I don't need you, I'm fine, I'm a badass, Take this! And this! I can do it all on my own! No wait, now I'm alone... come back, I'm not strong, I need you... . " etc etc

[Jb2003]

Shattered heart thanks for the insight and I am sorry that that happened to you, hell I am sorry this happens to anyone! The guy that said it is better to have loved and lost then never love at all obviously wasn't dating a BPD! I woke up six times last night and as soon as I opened my eyes I started crying every time. Nighttime is the worst for me really, we used completely entangle each other to sleep. Like a human pretzel!  It is hard for me to understand how someone can shut off emotions like turning off the water faucet, it seems inhuman... . JB

[LuckyNicki]

In my case, the breakup probably wasn't intended as final, with recylces planned soon after. I decided I wasn't going to stay in a toxic relationship where everything was designed to manipulate me (whether obvious or subtle), and the following suicide threats, stalking, fake pregnancy, lies, were all attempts to hook me back in, a series of sick "tests" to come back into the fold and care for her again like before. The fake pregnancy was a sort of "there's no way you can be anything other than supportive of me in this situation" trap.

QUICKSAND

There is a good explanation of this sort of behaviour in the "walking on eggshells" book where someone with BPD explains the process of going through thoughts of "Go on, leave! I don't need you, I'm fine, I'm a badass, Take this! And this! I can do it all on my own! No wait, now I'm alone... come back, I'm not strong, I need you... . " etc etc




Planned recycles?  Can you clarify that part for me please.  :)o you mean that when they "break up" with you, they are not really breaking up with you because they plan on possibly getting you back later?  

if so, that is so sick, I honestly think that's what my exBPDgf did when she requested for space.  Only to split me black when she actually received space.  It's so confusing.

[myself]

So I guess her breaking up with me was the best thing that could have happened, really.

The best thing would have been for her to get help for herself so she'd not be abusive to herself or anyone else. To face her issues, and apologize. What's going on instead seems like second-best, but is good for you in the long run because she hopefully won't continue     her pain on you.

Man, does anyone really detach completely? I'm doing pretty good now but feel like a part of me will always be stuck back there...

This is a really good question. Yes, we can get farther and farther away from it, have healthier relationships, more self confidence. There will still be memories. Doubts. Scars. How stuck a person is is subjective. The less stuck you want to be, the more you need to work at it? That sounds right.

I decided I wasn't going to stay in a toxic relationship where everything was designed to manipulate me

My T, friends, and people here have congratulated me on coming to this realization and then following through with it, so, Congratulations!

It's true, we may have been abandoned by people who feared abandonment, but we needed to leave because we were being hurt, lied to, manipulated and abused. These are facts, not fears. We didn't abandon them, or do them wrong, we saved ourselves. Making the best of what there is.

[corraline]

I wondered if the acknowledgement of his alcohol problem and his obvious difficulty to deal with it caused him some fear that i would leave him.

He claimed he was working on recovery and i went to alanon

But he was still unable to  deal with the drinking.

One night he texted me while drunk again " if you need to go then i understand " he texted it twice.  I said i was willing to stay in. But his drinking was out of control and he was getting scary and aggressive when i was in his company.  It was pretty ugly a few times at the end.  Locking me out of the house in mid winter at 1 am, lying on the floor playing dead for half an hour drooling while i desperately tried to help him up, repeating over and over again in a scary voice that i had no fu$# ing idea... . i said idea about what ? What ? What did i not get? Angry scary eyes... i barely recognized him. Then he broke up with me more and more and more... . always coming back.

I didnt know what to think or do anymore

I was frightened and he told me that if he scared me then i had a choice to make.

I was hurt that he didnt think to mayb make a choice himself... like try to get real help for himself.  Mayb it was more than he could handle and too much to expect

I wondered if this is why he pushed so hard at the end

[bossanover]

Planned recycles?  Can you clarify that part for me please.  :)o you mean that when they "break up" with you, they are not really breaking up with you because they plan on possibly getting you back later?  

if so, that is so sick, I honestly think that's what my exBPDgf did when she requested for space.  Only to split me black when she actually received space.  It's so confusing.

it is generally said that BPDs are impulsive and can't thing longterm. At the time, in that one instant, I'm sure she meant that she wanted to break up, and kill then herself. But these extremes of emotion pass quickly. I guess my ex realised that if she did break up with me, there would be no one to look after her (she didn't have a replacement lined up and admitted to me that I was like her only family), and so she tried to suck me back in. But all her erratic behaviour did was push me further away.

[shatteredheart]

It is hard for me to understand how someone can shut off emotions like turning off the water faucet, it seems inhuman... . JB

I totally agree,  I ASK MYSELF THIS TIME AND TIME AGAIN.  Before the day he flipped on me, I felt totally loved and cared for. I never had an uneasy feeling that he wasn't trustworthy,  He was kind, loveing, attentive and thoughtful. I could never imagined he could be the cruel cold person he is today.

I sent him a package with the rest of his belongings in it, it arrived today according to the delivery conformation.  I called and asked if he had received it. He said NO,(Very rude and aggressive,) (althought our conversation the day before was calm, friendly and reasonable)  he said "This is the last time you ___ with me"  I don't understand what he meant or why he would say that unless the other woman (his previous X) was there in front of him.  I have never "___ed" with him,  haven't tried to convince him to change his mind, I haven't done anything crazy... . on the other hand he HAS acted crazy, throwing things, calling names, screaming, threatening.

It really hurts to love someone so much and have them treat you like you did something bad to them, when you did nothing wrong. As an adult it is hard to comprehend how someone can love you one day and HATE you the next... . it does seem inhuman.