Entrenched parent sounding like the abusive one more and more

[DesertChild]

I just caught FOG today in a letter. Pretty much obligation, guilt, and fear (for the order) under a false veneer of "we really care about you." It sounded exactly like my mom. Except it came from my Dad.

You could say in more colorful terms, she ate his soul.

Resmacked boundaries on him, yet again, pointing out directly it was so.

Since he smokes MJ, he won't remember next month what we did this month, I think. He smokes it as medication against my Mom these days... . he increased his usage after I stopped running interference.

I'm working on the financial independence with my T... . and getting out of the cycle... . (some of it is me, and some of it is the abuse laying doubts in my head), but I'm seriously considering No contact once I'm out, which should be in a few months. Just getting sick of the whole thing.

Anyone share this experience where the entrenched parent sounds a lot like the abusive one until the person you know doesn't seem to exist?

[Contradancer]

I have a Queen Witch BPDm and a enabler father. She knows I won't listen to her "stuff"; so she gets my Dad worked up, and coaches him until he dumps her "stuff" on me. Plus, he's become a snitch. This means, of course, means that I don't have a good relationship with him any more.

It's BPD relationship mechanics, so I don't take any of it personally. But, I sometimes find I need to mourn a but to keep things in perspective.

[DesertChild]

Thank you for sharing. I'm pretty much thinking he died from the person he was. I was thinking that she could murder him, take over his e-mail and I wouldn't know the difference these days. I've been joking with my T that he's gotten assimilated into the Borg and his Queen is waiting.

[rebl.brown]

Thanks for the post.  The more I process and heal from the witch BPD the more I see the profound role my father played in it all and the major responsibility he bears for buying into it and participating.  He could have chosen a different path, they are divorced now for a long time but they were married 35 years.  I still can't stand him.  He is a LC relationship for me and I think understanding the roles people played and embracing the truth is necessary to handling it all and healing and deciding what the future will look like for your relatioship

[DesertChild]

Thanks or sharing.

He used to be a decent parent at the beginning and actually set boundaries with her, but she became too much for him to handle. She would call him, stupid, dumb, lazy, and a bad parent that never does discipline. Over time he changed from nurturing and caring to a copy of her. He dare not do better than her in anything because if he did better than her in anything, she'd give him hell. Huge amounts of hell. Find any excuse to attack him.

While I empathize and sympathize with that since she did the same with me, I don't think he has to choose to be entrenched either.

I wish they would divorce... . but I know she has him wrapped around her finger.

I have NC with my Dad.

[clljhns]

DesertChild,

I used to think that my dad was suffering in silence and that he was just as much a victim as we kids were. Of course, this was also due to the fact that I had buried my own abuse by him for years. When my epiphany happened, I was able to see his part in the process more clearly. My parents criticized every friend I ever had. My mom was the spokesperson for the pair, so whatever she said, he agreed with.

My mom called several of my female friends whores, sluts, and trash. The more I thought about this, I realized that my dad's best friend was probably the biggest man-whore out there. His friend cheated on his wife throughout their marriage, had a child with one of his girlfriends, and even bought this woman and child a home. Of course, his wife was not aware, until a friend at their bank called to tell her. This man beat his wife and kids (I witnessed him hitting his son with a horse whip), brought one of his mistresses to church and then promptly asked the congregation for forgiveness of his sins.  He even invited another mistress to dinner with his family! UNBELIEVABLE! When I confronted my father with this and repeated one of my mother's favorite phrases, "Birds of a feather... . ", he actually had the nerve to tell me that he was not aware of these things! What? If I knew them, then he certainly did. I knew about these things as a child from my mother, and I guarantee that she told my father! It became clear to me that he was part and parcel to the whole madness of my childhood. He was not a victim, rather a despot who reigned from behind a closed curtain.

I don't know the circumstances with your dad, so I am not saying that my experiences are yours. I just can't believe that someone who is emotionally healthy would choose to be with someone who is not.

Peace and love

[losingconfidence]

Wow, I'm going through pretty much exactly what you're going through. My dad is a war vet with PTSD and he has been on a TON of medication since I was little that kind of numbs him out. It's not MJ but it might as well be. The more I deal with them both, the more I realize that he seems to be just as abusive of a person as she is, just in a different way.

I'm in the same boat of trying to get financial independence. Good luck!

[P.F.Change]

While I empathize and sympathize with that since she did the same with me, I don't think he has to choose to be entrenched either.

I wish they would divorce... . but I know she has him wrapped around her finger.

DesertChild, I have wished the same thing before. I watched my mother treat my father badly and call him names, etc., and they fought so loudly at night when I was little that I used to pray they would divorce. I saw my mother as the Persecutor and my father as the Victim--like many children, I used splitting as a coping mechanism. In a way, I needed to see my father as helpless and under her control, because that way I could still believe he was the "good parent." If he were an adult who could choose to have healthy boundaries and be treated with respect--someone who was capable of protecting himself--then it logically follows that he could also have been capable of protecting me. In reality, he didn't do that. So, if I was going to see him as the "good guy" I needed him to be, I had to believe that Daddy was a hapless victim like me.

When I began therapy and started really looking closely at things, I started to see that my father was not the hero (Rescuer) I had made him out to be as a child. I began to feel angry with him, whereas previously most of my anger had been directed at my mother. This was a pretty scary paradigm shift. My father is an adult who can make adult choices about his relationships. Accepting that meant accepting that he may not be able to fill the role I wanted him to fill (ally, rescuer). It also meant accepting that I am responsible for my adult choices, too. This workshop helped me see a lot: Conflict Dynamics/Karpman Triangle Do you see anything there that applies to what you are going through?

All of this is to say, I can definitely understand how you see your father as someone who is under your mother's control and wrapped around her finger, so to speak. That might make it easier to hold onto the old narrative where she is the only "bad guy." Unfortunately, it isn't really accurate. Your mother doesn't really control your father, though going against her wishes definitely could have unpleasant consequences for him. He is the one who ultimately decides how he will be treated and how he treats you. Those are his choices, painful as they may be. What would it feel like to let him own his part?

Wishing you peace,

PF