Dealing with uPD in business. Please help.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi guys.

Im dealing with this older lady (I assume in her 60´s) for 3 years and I had a lightbulb moment a few months ago that she may be BPD/ NPD.

She is the president of a building where I have an apartment (I rent it, I have never lived there). For some reason she began harassing me. First with phone calls cause according to her my tenant was not following the rules. I tried to help her, but its obvious I cant control him. She began threatening me with fines. After some months of this I told her that either she sends the fines or stops threatening, cause sending a fine 6 months after the event will make no good. She never did cause he wasnt breaking the rules.

This went on and on over the 3 years, with different issues. To the point that she began sending me letters with warnings of all types, for example shes trying to prevent my real state agent to enter the premisses (which is against the law in my country). I have received four letters in three months (my apt is now vacant for 5 months and I pay all the fees religiously).

So I decided to answer in writing (taking advice from a lawyer) that all the "warnings" she gave me have NO backing up with the rules or the law WHATSOEVER, thats harassment and if I receive one more of those Im suing her. Because she herself broke the building and city rules and laws and many others did but Im the only one being bullied. So it stopped. I demanded equal treatment or she will have to face the consequences.

But she scheduled a meeting for saturday and Im guessing Ill be the target of all the building´s problems (pretty much like the last one 1 year ago). So Im trying to prepare myself. Whats the best way to deal with her? Im sure she will try to shame me in front of others. Im also sure that even being right, they will side with her (they live there, I dont, they prefer to keep peace with her and let me be her target).

Seems to me she wants control at all costs. And she saw something in me that makes her go crazy. Maybe some weakness on me. She dared to yell at me and say curse words. Also, she called me a trouble-maker in a letter.  I kindly explained to her in private that she cant just call me names in writing like she did, she will cause herself legal problems, its defamation. Maybe being kind wasnt working. The only thing that seemed to work was the my "stop it or Ill sue you" letter.

Sorry for the long post, there are lots of details I could give but I dont want this to turn into a soap opera. I believe she´s a control freak, she rages and yells, seems BPD to me. She believes she´s a figure of authority and Im supposed to acept and obbey to all her demands.

Any advice or similar experience? Thank you so much!

[Louise7777]

Hi guys.

Im dealing with this older lady (I assume in her 60´s) for 3 years and I had a lightbulb moment a few months ago that she may be BPD/ NPD.

She is the president of a building where I have an apartment (I rent it, I have never lived there). For some reason she began harassing me. First with phone calls cause according to her my tenant was not following the rules. I tried to help her, but its obvious I cant control him. She began threatening me with fines. After some months of this I told her that either she sends the fines or stops threatening, cause sending a fine 6 months after the event will make no good. She never did cause he wasnt breaking the rules.

This went on and on over the 3 years, with different issues. To the point that she began sending me letters with warnings of all types, for example shes trying to prevent my real state agent to enter the premisses (which is against the law in my country). I have received four letters in three months (my apt is now vacant for 5 months and I pay all the fees religiously).

So I decided to answer in writing (taking advice from a lawyer) that all the "warnings" she gave me have NO backing up with the rules or the law WHATSOEVER, thats harassment and if I receive one more of those Im suing her. Because she herself broke the building and city rules and laws and many others did but Im the only one being bullied. So it stopped. I demanded equal treatment or she will have to face the consequences.

But she scheduled a meeting for saturday and Im guessing Ill be the target of all the building´s problems (pretty much like the last one 1 year ago). So Im trying to prepare myself. Whats the best way to deal with her? Im sure she will try to shame me in front of others. Im also sure that even being right, they will side with her (they live there, I dont, they prefer to keep peace with her and let me be her target).

Seems to me she wants control at all costs. And she saw something in me that makes her go crazy. Maybe some weakness on me. She dared to yell at me and say curse words. Also, she called me a trouble-maker in a letter.  I kindly explained to her in private that she cant just call me names in writing like she did, she will cause herself legal problems, its defamation. Maybe being kind wasnt working. The only thing that seemed to work was the my "stop it or Ill sue you" letter.

Sorry for the long post, there are lots of details I could give but I dont want this to turn into a soap opera. I believe she´s a control freak, she rages and yells, seems BPD to me. She believes she´s a figure of authority and Im supposed to acept and obbey to all her demands.

Any advice or similar experience? Thank you so much!

[isshebpd]

Is there any reason why you can't sell that unit and buy somewhere less stressful?

[Louise7777]

IsseBPD 

Yes, there are a few: the sentimental attachment. Also, its not easy to sell in my country, takes time. Ill have to pay comission to the real state agent and then look for another unit elsewhere, check documents, etc. It will be a handfull (waste of time and money) and much more difficult than finding ways to deal with her (maybe setting stronger boundaries?)

Also I dont see why I have to escape the bully. This will just encourage her to go on with the abnouxious behaviour.

[losingconfidence]

That sounds really frustrating. If other people will be around, I recommend trying your best to stay professional but also to be firm with her. If the things she is saying/doing have no legal backing, then she doesn't have nearly the leverage she is claiming. Ultimately she doesn't seem like she wants to get rid of you so much as control you. All you can really do is try not to give into it I guess.

[Louise7777]

LosingConfidence, thank you for answering!

Yes, others will be around, its a neighbour´s annual meeting to discuss things related to the building (security issues, renovations, etc).

Yep, I think she wants to control me. She saw something in me that triggered her, Im guessing. From her comments, there´s some jealousy (Im not flattering myself) going on also.

Ill really try to remain calm. When she throws a handgranade Ill let others quick it. I have to stop responding and not be passionate. You are so right. I have to keep my cool and respond in neutral ways. Its tough.

[Louise7777]

Hi guys, just came back and wanted to give you the update.

The meeting was terrible, lots of yelling (from them, not me, obviously). They ganged up against me and they had already changed the internal law of the building to create me trouble. It was all planned. No voting, nothing.

So, since there was no agreement neither common sense, Ill keep doing what Im doing and if they want to, they can call the police and sue me, as they threateaned.

I was very ruffled and tolerated lots of abuse. I should had recorded it, at least, it would be evidence in court, if needed. But its hard to keep your cool when 5 or 6 people are yelling and mocking you. I even asked if they wanted to use sarcasm or solve the situation and then they backed off a little.

But it was terrible and Im sure if I was a man this particular "gentleman" wouldnt had dared to yell so much at me. Its a no-win situation. Next time (in a year) I will record it and answer "sue me". Unfortunately I still try to reason with them. The old lady had a frozen grim on her face, happy cause others did the dirty work for her... .

In my defence, the situation was way worse than last year but Im less troubled, thanks to you and all the advice and tools. But I still have lots to learn. Thank u!