How to avoid being caught up in their despair

[Pipedreamer25]

My dBPDbf really struggles to regulate his emotions. The other day he was raging, now he is depressed.   He is not able to take responsibility for his emotions or getting better at this stage and normally turns to some sort of self harming behaviour or addiction to manage it.  He has recently quit drugs and alcohol but refuses to get formal support and is really struggling.  Everything seems to be put on me. He puts huge pressure on me to fix things when there’s really a limit to what I can do.  I can love him and support him but he needs to get help and he just can’t atm.  It’s really scary because he gets suicidal.  I just don’t know what to do when he is like this.  Realistically I don’t think he will do serious harm to himself but I can never be sure.  It’s awful being caught up in this.  I don’t know what to say or do.  He just gets so frustrated but won’t do anything meaningful himself.   I don’t know how to handle this or what to say or do. 

[Tolou]

Pipedreamer... .

It can be really scary when someone gets suicidal and makes you feel accountable for what they may or may not do... But the truth is we/you are not accountable or responsible for someone not wanting to live anymore, were simply not that powerful.  He needs help, and without it, won't get better or see improvement in his life.  You can't be a lover and therapist, it just doesn't work.  You need to be firm and set boundaries of what you will and will not accept or tolerate.  Everytime you cave in or give in to the demands because of threat/emotional blackmail, you teaching that person "okay this is ho I get what I want".  If you are going to continue this type of realtionship, you need to make sure that you have the proper support systems in place to rationalize what is going going on and not get up in all the CRAZY, because after a while, you can and will fall apart, or someone can seriously get hurt.  The suicidal gestures and threats is just a complete inablitiy to express and communicate emotions, but their real-to a certain extent, a cry for help. Again, not your place to help that person with that, you can suppor them, but only half way, they have to be willing to do the work, or else, you will be left a with a shell of yourself that once was before you go into this relationship.  Ask yourself why you remain and how it is actually benefiting him or you?  If this person is stuckat the emotional level of lets a 3-6 y/o, how do you expect to communicate and get through when your facing any crisis or real problem?> That is something that takes a tremendous amount of work with skilled profesionals.  Don't become an enabler, and don't feel that it is your responsibilty to fix this or any person... .

[Want2know]

So sorry to hear you are going through this... . I know how difficult and confusing it is. 

You said he had wanted to break up with you earlier this month.  Not sure what happened between then and now, but may I ask do you live together?

You've been with him a little over a year.  I can tell you that in my situation and in many others, the worst stuff didn't come out immediately, so your experience is not unusual.  The reality is, if he's not getting professional help, it most likely will get worse - the name calling, the erratic behavior, the breaking up and then wanting to come back, the suicide threats, etc.

I was where you are now about 6 years ago.  I went through the recycling and escalated behavior regarding verbal abuse, suicide threats and then physical abuse.  What it came down to for me was asking myself 'why am I with this man?'.  I thought I loved him and wanted to support him, knowing he had a difficult up-bringing.  I see some of that thought process in your posts.  The thing is, I let these thoughts, wanting to support him, deteriorate my own self-image and mental health.

So, I want to ask you respectfully, why do you want to remain in a relationship with him?

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your replies.    I am doing my best to distance myself from this behaviour it just breaks my heart to see him so upset.  I know that if he doesn't get professional help then things will get worse.  I am going to be patient with him but I am not going to give him forever.   I know that if he doesn't make a meaningful attempt then I will have to leave.   

I really do love him.  When he is not sick he is amazing,  funny, intelligent,  loving and caring.  Over the past year I have noticed that he has got more insight into his behaviours he is able to put strategies in place for a lot of things.   He isn't using drugs or alcohol at a constant escape and I feel I have to give him credit for that.  If I didn't feel there wasn't a realistic chance of getting better then I'd have to reassess for the moment I believe there is.

When he said we needed to break up he was in another one of his psychotic moods which results typically when there's a trigger to difficult for him to manage. After he had calmed down we had a big chat and he disclosed a lot of really horrific sexual abuse he had suffered from his parents and then from his foster parents after they died.   He was distraught but we were able to talk about it.  He advised whenever he really got close to someone those feelings of trauma emerged and recognized that's why he was trying to push me away. 

I want to support him but have made it clear that he has to support me too.   I am learning to put boundaries in place to do this and to know that it's not my responsibility for him feeling this way,  even though sometimes it feels like this. 

[Want2know]

I really do love him.  When he is not sick he is amazing,  funny, intelligent,  loving and caring.  Over the past year I have noticed that he has got more insight into his behaviours he is able to put strategies in place for a lot of things.   He isn't using drugs or alcohol at a constant escape and I feel I have to give him credit for that.  If I didn't feel there wasn't a realistic chance of getting better then I'd have to reassess for the moment I believe there is.

I think that is the hardest part... . feeling the love and seeing the amazing side.  It makes it very difficult to want to break away.  I know that's part of why I stayed with my ex for 4 years.

What I'm realizing now, is the breakthroughs I thought he had were momentary.  At the time, I saw progress, but then he would fall back into the same patterns.

When he said we needed to break up he was in another one of his psychotic moods which results typically when there's a trigger to difficult for him to manage. After he had calmed down we had a big chat and he disclosed a lot of really horrific sexual abuse he had suffered from his parents and then from his foster parents after they died.   He was distraught but we were able to talk about it.  He advised whenever he really got close to someone those feelings of trauma emerged and recognized that's why he was trying to push me away. 

This is understandable... . have you ever met his parents or foster parents?  Does he have siblings?

I knew my ex's parents fairly well, and could see how some of their behaviors may have effected is upbringing.  I also know his sister had similar problems as my ex, however, she was actively addressing them through therapy and medication.  Having first hand experience with your bf's family would be helpful to better understand the reality of your partners behavior.

I want to support him but have made it clear that he has to support me too.   I am learning to put boundaries in place to do this and to know that it's not my responsibility for him feeling this way,  even though sometimes it feels like this. 

Boundaries are good.  What kind of boundaries have you created and how are they working for you?

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks for your questions  Want2Know.  They are really important things to think about.

* I do believe they are significant breakthroughs.  He has matured a lot during our relationship and is beginning to put strategies in place to manage the intensity of his feelings that aren't destructive to his or my wellbeing.

* As for his family,  both of his parents were killed when he was young hence the foster parent situation.  I have never met the foster parents as he does not have a positive relationship with them in light of what happened, they haven't spoken for years.  One of his brothers is in gaol and the other two inter state.  He has regular contact with the other two.

*  As boundaries for myself most of them have been around the d/a.  If he drinks or uses he has to stay out of the house for at least three days until he has sobered up.  He hasn't relapsed for a while but I'm betting it will happen soon.

* We had a chat around emotional boundaries and what he needs me to do when he is distressed.  He advises that he needs his own space when he is crying.  This is hard for me.  I've told him that if he expresses suicidal ideation then i have to take this seriously and report it if he we can't think of strategies to keep him safe. 

*With the emotional abuse, I advised I had a two strike policy.  If he does it again it will be hard to believe that he actually loves me and I will have to end things.  As hard as this will be for me to do.

Do I sound like I'm on the right track?  Thanks so much for your help.  Don't know what I'd do without this board at times

[Tolou]

Hey pdreamer... .

I think that that is wonderful that you are setting those boundaries, great.  The key is communication and having strategies to know what your going to do if there is a crisis, communication is the key, in all relationships.

I only add, that you stick firm to your boundaries "or rules" because when you don't, the patterns continue or get worse, but that is a great track to be on for now.